When is it time to lock up a drug user??

DoingitWell

I am pro-drug treatment (rather than jail), however recently I had to lock someone up because they became a danger to themselves and others. His family kept calling and asking me to do something, however they would not press charges on him for stealing and assaulting them .

Finally the father pressed charges after I called to confirm that his mother had died of Cancer (his excuse for missing his urine screen), and his mother was in the background talking, My question is, for those dealing with drugs users in your family, when is enough enough??? What keeps you from cutting ties? Just curious.

_DaniD_

sunsnstatheart

When you're tired of dealing with them.

quirkytizzy

Generally, if it's not yourself, your only option to lock someone up is to call 911 or the cops and let them decide what's to be done about it.

If it's bad enough where that person is a danger to themselves, call either one of those numbers without hesitation. If you don't wind up saving their life, you'll still wind up saving yourself some heartbreaking worry about what they will do otherwise.

I am a recovering addict myself and don't allow active addicts in my life. At all. This means cutting off family, most recently my sister. Hurts like hell and comes with all kinds of pain. It's better than being drug under (no pun intended) and destroying my own life as a result. My sister has refused treatment for six years and only drags herself and her children further and further into the depths of hell.

Six years and one too many insane lashings out at me is what did it for me.

(I could write a book about this subject. Yeesh.)

CaddieMay

Former addict here. The sooner the user is made to face dire consequences, the better chance he has to find a way to recover. When I was at the end of my rope, I had no choice but to let go and ask for help. Then again, some people have lower "bottoms" and will sink to depths you never knew existed. The most you can do as an observer is to protect yourself and those around you, and hope for the best.

iAMsmiling

When you are supporting their problem by continuing the relationship.

darkguardian419

I refuse to support anyone doing anything illegal. You go to whatever program will help you, but until you fix yourself, you're not my problem.

I've had bad experiences with illegal drugs (that should be illegal) in general, and have only grown to dislike them more and more.

Unknown

This content has been removed.

♥Faerie♥

pastryari

When they're endangering others.

Cr01502

When you're tired of dealing with them.

This. Be strict. Set your boundaries.

If he/she violates them lock them up.

People are responsible for their own behaviour.

RobfromLakewood

Former addict here. The sooner the user is made to face dire consequences, the better chance he has to find a way to recover. When I was at the end of my rope, I had no choice but to let go and ask for help. Then again, some people have lower "bottoms" and will sink to depths you never knew existed. The most you can do as an observer is to protect yourself and those around you, and hope for the best.

I'm not a former addict, but my brother is. There is no lack of love in the home or for him, but too often, we looked at his behavior from too reasonable a standpoint. In retrospect, I know we all wish we had not enable for so long, we helped him not reach a place where he knew he had to change.

cmriverside

You will always wonder if you did the right thing. Listen to that little voice that tells you when enough is enough, then be brave enough to stand by your decision. It's your life. Choose it.

mrs_schultz2012

:smooched:

sunsnstatheart

When you're tired of dealing with them.

This. Be strict. Set your boundaries.

If he/she violates them lock them up.

People are responsible for their own behaviour.

Yep. Only you can make the determination of how much you will put up with, and nothing says you have to put up with it at all.

IMO, save yourself a hell of a lot of time and heartbreak and do it now.

AJ_Pete

When you've reached out to strangers, you've reached your limit.

You know it's time. Cut the cord. With sharp scissors. Then burn the ends.

journalistjen

My husband's grandparents are prescription drug abusers/misusers. For those of us in the family who have sense--it didn't take long to cut them off. You can't help someone is unwilling to help him or herself. That's how you become an enabler. If they won't even attempt to do what's right--cut them off, lock them up, whatever you need to do.

CaddieMay

Former addict here. The sooner the user is made to face dire consequences, the better chance he has to find a way to recover. When I was at the end of my rope, I had no choice but to let go and ask for help. Then again, some people have lower "bottoms" and will sink to depths you never knew existed. The most you can do as an observer is to protect yourself and those around you, and hope for the best.

I'm not a former addict, but my brother is. There is no lack of love in the home or for him, but too often, we looked at his behavior from too reasonable a standpoint. In retrospect, I know we all wish we had not enable for so long, we helped him not reach a place where he knew he had to change.

My family was great and did all they could for me - including enabling me. They didn't know any better, and it wasn't their fault. They did what they thought was best, and I took advantage of this. In the end, it was up to me to get better. I hope your brother finds his way, because my life has been incredible since I got myself clean and sober (6 years ago).

Windy_

Just like half the other questions that are posed in threads here, the answer is....it's different for everybody.

caoceanlover

Former addict here. The sooner the user is made to face dire consequences, the better chance he has to find a way to recover. When I was at the end of my rope, I had no choice but to let go and ask for help. Then again, some people have lower "bottoms" and will sink to depths you never knew existed. The most you can do as an observer is to protect yourself and those around you, and hope for the best.

This is the truth. My rock bottom was the only way I decided to recover. Protecting yourself is about all you can do. Even if it means sutting off all contact.

DoingitWell

Thanks I have honestly felt like crap since this happenned even though I knew it was nothing else I could do. And he wanted help but I just felt like things were going to get worse before help arrived. And it breaks my heart to hear his father on the phone begging me to do something.

MG_Fit

For me it depends on the drug being used...

I'd be lenient on a pot smoker...but anything else really, get 'em off the street!

WendyTerry420

Only violent people should be locked up, whether or not they ever use drugs or alcohol. Non-violent people should not be in cages.

clydethecat

Only violent people should be locked up, whether or not they ever use drugs or alcohol. Non-violent people should not be in cages.

i agree with this. there are too many people in jail on drug charges. if he was violent, of course put him in the system. otherwise, his family needs to draw some boundaries.

CaddieMay

Thanks I have honestly felt like crap since this happenned even though I knew it was nothing else I could do. And he wanted help but I just felt like things were going to get worse before help arrived. And it breaks my heart to hear his father on the phone begging me to do something.

You are not responsible for his father's feelings. The man is just frustrated and at his wit's end. He knew this was coming from a mile away. In actuality, his rage, frustration, etc. is with his son. He just can't bring himself to direct it at him right now, so he is finding other ways and outlets (like you) to focus on. I've seen it a million times. You did the right thing.

GiddyupTim

I have got to chime in here. Everyone says that a family member needs to stop enabling the user and cut ties to spare themselves the emotional toll.
But, I need to say that maybe the real answer isn't that simple.
I was a heavy substance abuser when I was younger. I turned 18 years old in juvenile detention. Since I turned 18, they were going to spring me with credit for time served. There was a hearing before a judge and my parents attended. The judge reviewed my record, and turned to my parents, and told them: "You need to just write this kid off and throw him out of your lives. He's got a bad track record. I have seen this. If you don't, he is just going to keep screwing up and he is going to keep hurting you. He is going to be in the adult jail in less than a year. You cannot help him anyway."
My parents walked out of that hearing without me, and drove away. I slept in the park.
Well, my mother's resolve lasted about two weeks, not much longer. She poured some coffee in a thermos and drove down to the park to see me. She was not weakening completely. But she just couldn't take not knowing anything. She thought we would have a cup of coffee and a conversation.
I was not there. My friends told my mother that I had been arrested, again, and I was in the county jail. She went to my arraignment.
To make a long story short, when I got out, my parents relented, and I moved home. As I was still facing charges, I got a job and resolved to clean up my act, at least until my sentencing, so it would look like I was trying and the court would be more likely to be lenient.
Course, I wasn't going to give up getting high completely. But I was going to limit myself to just speed and pot. I told myself it was the other things that got me in trouble -- alcohol, in particular. But, speed and pot I could handle, and they would help me on the job.
It did not work. I ended up smashed every night and I almost got arrested a couple of times, for being with the wrong people.
I have to say, before I moved home, I was destitute. I could not quit and I knew it. I had absolutely no hope, and I had no aspirations because I knew I could never fulfill them. I would not have minded dying. I could not care about myself anymore because it just hurt too much. So, I stopped.
But, when I moved home, my mother used to wait up for me to come in at night, usually very late. Invariably, I was drunk and high and miserable. And, we had conversations. Long conversations. Teary conversations. Quiet conversations at the kitchen table with the rest of the house dark. She wasn't trying to scold me anymore, or admonish me, or anything. I was just her son and she had to know. So I told her, everything, holding very little back.
And, a funny thing happened.
In the process of being honest and talking, in the process of seeing that she still cared, no matter what, I began to care about myself again, and that opened me up. In a few months, I made it to drug treatment. I would not have gone if I had not started to care again. I would not have tried.
That was over 30 years ago. I have been sober ever since.
I cannot advise somebody on what to do. Nobody knows better than I do about how few serious addicts and users are able to clean up. I think I know the pain and disruption they cause.
But, maybe . . . maybe, it is not always as simple as just saying goodbye to someone, with the rationalization that it is for their own good.

d_Mode

It's never that easy...for a parent or the user...

desiv2

My brother was a hardcore meth addict, he stole from us, treated us like crap, totaled my dad's truck, and even threatened to beat me up with a baseball bat. (All because I wouldn't GIVE, not let him borrow, but actually let him have my car.) My brother was a lot older than me, and my parents both worked all day, plus my mom was going to school.

I broke ties with him long ago, he hadn't been in my life much since I was young, and when we were young he would tell me to try is cigarettes, let his nasty friends come around (and trust me they didn't belong around any kids let alone young girls) and sometimes just left me completely alone when he was babysitting (didn't happen often)... He finally landed himself in prison, and honestly it's been the best thing for him. However, he is due out in March, and he is already acting up. I'm not sure prison alone will help after all now, and I wish he could get some serious treatment.


To be honest, if he so much as takes one wrong step I'll be ready to drop him. I don't even care if that sounds cruel, he has had so many chances, the only reason I gave him this one is because he was forced to be clean.

GiddyupTim

I'm sorry, Desiv. It is true: many addicts do not get better, ever, even with treatment, and prison is often not an adequate deterrent, though it should be.

loombeav

I have got to chime in here. Everyone says that a family member needs to stop enabling the user and cut ties to spare themselves the emotional toll.
But, I need to say that maybe the real answer isn't that simple.
I was a heavy substance abuser when I was younger. I turned 18 years old in juvenile detention. Since I turned 18, they were going to spring me with credit for time served. There was a hearing before a judge and my parents attended. The judge reviewed my record, and turned to my parents, and told them: "You need to just write this kid off and throw him out of your lives. He's got a bad track record. I have seen this. If you don't, he is just going to keep screwing up and he is going to keep hurting you. He is going to be in the adult jail in less than a year. You cannot help him anyway."
My parents walked out of that hearing without me, and drove away. I slept in the park.
Well, my mother's resolve lasted about two weeks, not much longer. She poured some coffee in a thermos and drove down to the park to see me. She was not weakening completely. But she just couldn't take not knowing anything. She thought we would have a cup of coffee and a conversation.
I was not there. My friends told my mother that I had been arrested, again, and I was in the county jail. She went to my arraignment.
To make a long story short, when I got out, my parents relented, and I moved home. As I was still facing charges, I got a job and resolved to clean up my act, at least until my sentencing, so it would look like I was trying and the court would be more likely to be lenient.
Course, I wasn't going to give up getting high completely. But I was going to limit myself to just speed and pot. I told myself it was the other things that got me in trouble -- alcohol, in particular. But, speed and pot I could handle, and they would help me on the job.
It did not work. I ended up smashed every night and I almost got arrested a couple of times, for being with the wrong people.
I have to say, before I moved home, I was destitute. I could not quit and I knew it. I had absolutely no hope, and I had no aspirations because I knew I could never fulfill them. I would not have minded dying. I could not care about myself anymore because it just hurt too much. So, I stopped.
But, when I moved home, my mother used to wait up for me to come in at night, usually very late. Invariably, I was drunk and high and miserable. And, we had conversations. Long conversations. Teary conversations. Quiet conversations at the kitchen table with the rest of the house dark. She wasn't trying to scold me anymore, or admonish me, or anything. I was just her son and she had to know. So I told her, everything, holding very little back.
And, a funny thing happened.
In the process of being honest and talking, in the process of seeing that she still cared, no matter what, I began to care about myself again, and that opened me up. In a few months, I made it to drug treatment. I would not have gone if I had not started to care again. I would not have tried.
That was over 30 years ago. I have been sober ever since.
I cannot advise somebody on what to do. Nobody knows better than I do about how few serious addicts and users are able to clean up. I think I know the pain and disruption they cause.
But, maybe . . . maybe, it is not always as simple as just saying goodbye to someone, with the rationalization that it is for their own good.

This brought tears to my eyes!
My husband is an addict, clean and sober going on 3 years now & this is not his 1st stretch of sobriety. Through out our 8 year marriage there were times that things got really nasty. He has stolen from me, our kids, family members and strangers. Although he was never physically violent there were times that I feared for our safety. I enabled, I tried tough love, I left him and took him back; several times. Most importantly though I stood by him and loved him. There is no doubt in either of our minds if I had taken our children and completely shut the door he would have ended up killing himself. We (our kids and I) are not the reason he stopped but we did give him a reason to want to stop.
There is no one size fits all answer to this. Every addict has their own personal bottom and the only way to know what that is is for them to hit it.