Depression and Self-Destruction - HELP!!!

skm4jc

I've been battling depression for about 18 months now. I had been doing okay. I was put on 20 mg citalopram (generic for Celexa) daily in January 2012, and seemed to respond nicely. I even managed to lose 36 lbs in 5 months! In July 2012, I suffered a major anxiety attack at work, so my doctor increased my citalopram to 40 mg per day and added .25 mg alprazolam (generic for Xanax) as needed for anxiety. I have noticed that ever since being on the higher dosage, I am less motivated about my weight loss, and gained back 20 LBS of the 36 I'd lost!!! :ohwell: *ashamed*

I know I need to speak with my doctor about my medications, and I intend to at my next appointment in March. In the meantime, does anyone have any advice? I've really been going through a major bout of "I don't care" for the last 6 weeks or so - I'll start out good, and around Wednesday all good intentions go out the window. I've lost my focus, and don't know how to get it back. Please, please help me!!!!!!

:sad:

neandermagnon

one thing that helped me (overcoming PTSD and depression that was caused by it) was heavy exercise. For me it's a really good way to relieve the symptoms of both PTSD and depression. It doesn't cure the cause, but it helps a LOT with symptoms. Additionally, healthy eating helps a lot. IMO health (physical and mental) comes before weight loss. Of course, if you're very obese then weight loss = improved health. But when you have mental health issues that interfere with your weight loss goals, you *have to* look after your mental health first, so you can stay mentally healthy enough to be able to tackle everything else in life.

If you're at an unhealthy weight and the meds are making you gain weight, you should discuss this with your doctor as they may not be the best meds for you. I never had the option of being on meds in the first place (long story) so I've had to do without it, though I've had therapy from a really good therapist and like I said, controlled it as much as I can with exercise and healthy eating. I went from being obese to a body fat percentage of around 22% as well, by counting calories and paying attention to good nutrition. I'm not in favour of telling people to ditch meds, because if I'd had the option I would have taken them, and I know they can help a LOT when someone's on the right med at the right dosage. But one thing you *could* try (after discussing it with your doctor) is going back to your previous dosage and seeing how much you can manage anxiety etc with exercise. Anxiety is caused by too much of stress hormones like adrenaline in your system. Adrenaline is a fight or flight hormone, and it evolved to enable us to escape danger. Most anxiety in the modern world is not from things you can physically fight, and with mental health problems the anxiety often isn't even from anything rational or anything from the here and now. However, by doing strenuous exercise, it can "use up" some of the adrenaline and your body works like you're actually fighting the thing that's causing the anxiety. Your body also releases endorphines from strenuous exercise, which helps you to feel good after you've "escaped the danger" - this is the biochemical explanation of how exercise helps reduce anxiety, even if the anxiety isn't rational or because of anything that you can actually fight. It just makes you feel better. I'd recommend it, alongside conventional mental health treatments. CBT is good for most anxiety disorders and medications help keep the symptoms under control. From personal experience, the more strenuous the exercise the more it helps banish anxiety.

LozPenguin

First of all don't feel ashamed! You're battling a difficult problem on top of trying to lose weight, and practically everyone on this site knows about the on again-off again roller coaster of gain-lose-gain again! =\
I don't know if this will help you, but when I was going through that 'being motivated for a few days then falling off the wagon' thing, it was like I kept forgetting why I was doing it and losing hold of the things i wanted. I was like 'umm why do I care again? Why bother. I can't do it.' Try making a poster and write down all the things (big and small) you want to achieve. E.g 'wear my favourite top I can't fit into anymore!' or 'be able to walk all the way to ___ without getting tired!' 'to have more confidence!' 'so I can go on a shopping spree and buy sexy dresses!' anything and everything losing weight will do for you. Add pics of the things you want if you can. Then when you have a 'why bother' miserable day, you can remind yourself why it is important. I'm putting an old photo of myself at my heaviest on my wall (I'll hide it when people come over lol) just to remind me how far I've come/what I don't want to be anymore. I'm nowhere near my goal, still blobby as anything, but I'm less than I was. I've struggled with my weight for ages and I've finally got some motivation back. And I'm not letting go!!

I hope this helps a bit, you've lost 36lbs before which means you know you can do it. I wish you the very best!! P.s I've suffered anxiety too, fainted a few times in stressful situations because of it the best thing for it? Self confidence. Its not easy but any tiny thing you can do to make you feel better about yourself or stronger is worth doing. Work at it enough and it might not be cured, but you'll find it easier to handle and manage in everyday situations. Big hugs for you girl, and remember everyone on this site will be here to support you!

JenniferNoll

Yeah, I've been there. Are you seeing your family doctor or a psychiatrist? After being unsuccessful for a couple of years, I asked my doc for a referral to a psychiatrist. I was on the wrong type of med for my type of PTSD (Katrina survivor) and needed a different cocktail. I went from lexapro and xanax to a cocktail of wellbutrin, celexa, abilify, trazadone, and clonopin. I know it sounds like a lot, but I no longer want to slit my wrists. I have the ability to laugh and be happy again.

Maybe what you need is a psychiatrist, who specializes on the way our brains work. I just know it helped me tremendously.

Happyirisheyes

Hi there and sorry you are going through a difficult time. I'm inclined to agree with all the other posters. A combination of talking to your psyciatrist and doing a bit of exercise might help. I also suffer from depression and it's a tough one to sort out alright. Your mental health is so important so maybe focus on doing a little exercise every day. It adds up. Even ten minutes, then you're done for the day. Hope that helps a bit.

skm4jc

I should note, I HAD been seeing a counselor. With the advent of the new year, my insurance no longer pays for my visits. She did say we could probably appeal the decision, but frankly, her office is pretty far out of the way, battling traffic to get there upsets me even more, and I can't afford the gas and the coinsurance. Added to that is the concern that I don't feel she really helped me at all. She made snap judgments on my personality on my very first visit, and persisted in trying to get me to understand/accept stuff I'm not ready to, despite my telling her so and explaining, in detail, why I feel the way I do. It was a hot mess.

GreenLaura22

I too have been battling depression, and also like you, that depression has contributed to my weight gain. In the last 6 months I have started and stopped eating right and exercising countless times. There are several things that I am doing to make it over the "Wednesday hump" The first is what you've already done! Look for help/ solutions....share your struggles. The second...and my husband laughed at me for this but anyway... I made 30 strips of paper and on each strip of paper I wrote one reason I want to be healthier..."For Me" "For Summer" "For Future" "For Healthy" etc.... I have the pile of these strips on my desk. Each day I workout I take my motivation strips and make a link for a paper chain. I know it's silly, but I need to get healthy. I need to fight for my mental and physical well being. When I give up and say I just don't care...I spiral down do a really dark place. Another thing to remember is that exercise really does have a direct correlation to mental health. Your brain really will release endorphins that will make you feel better. If you can force yourself to make it over the "Wednesday hump" pretty soon you will crave those endorphins and actually WANT to workout. At the end of the day, it feels so good to be able to look in the mirror and say "today, I tried"

I know the struggle you're going through. I know how hard it is. I know how defeated you can feel after trying and not making it past Wednesday.... But one of these times, you'll get it! You just can't ever stop TRYING....even if you don't get it right. You've got to fall down 7 times and get up 8. This struggle and anguish and pain will either crush you.... or it will make you the strong beautiful person that is in there somewhere. Coal is turned to diamond through agonizing pressure over a long period of time. You have to fight for the best life that you can have. I hope this helps : ) You really can do this! Depression is like alcoholism for me.... it is always there, but I take it one day at a time and NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP!

neandermagnon

I should note, I HAD been seeing a counselor. With the advent of the new year, my insurance no longer pays for my visits. She did say we could probably appeal the decision, but frankly, her office is pretty far out of the way, battling traffic to get there upsets me even more, and I can't afford the gas and the coinsurance. Added to that is the concern that I don't feel she really helped me at all. She made snap judgments on my personality on my very first visit, and persisted in trying to get me to understand/accept stuff I'm not ready to, despite my telling her so and explaining, in detail, why I feel the way I do. It was a hot mess.

can you afford to pay for counselling/therapy yourself, with someone of your choosing? Even if it's just once a fortnight? When I had PTSD really badly, I was living in a country with no mental health services, and medical insurance that only covered me for the local quack clinic (as in doctors that would not be qualified to work in the UK, where I'm from) - I paid for therapy myself via skype with a counsellor/therapist in the UK. (this is the reason why I never had meds either, local doctors just didn't have a clue.) Some of the time I could only afford once a fortnight. It costs money but maybe not as much as you'd think, and one big advantage of paying for it yourself (as opposed to insurance company paying (or the NHS for UK people)) is that you don't have to take any of the problems you described, like the counsellor jumping to snap conclusions, not listening to you, pushing you into stuff you're not ready for etc. In fact these things you describe are not good at all, and if you were paying for counselling yourself then a) you have control over that and can just leave and b) the counsellors who take clients who are paying for the counselling themselves know that they will take a hike if the counselling is not good. Also you have control over who you select as your counsellor/therapist to begin with, you can check out their qualifications and experience, and especially check what experience they have at treating your specific condition. I don't know about other mental health problems, but PTSD can be made worse by counsellors who don't know what they're doing, so that's why I'm saying check what experience they have at treating your condition, not just general experience at therapy/counselling.

baldielove13

Think about what you want to accomplish, and take things at your own pace. And feel good about the things that you do that are helping you accomplish what you want to accomplish. Be gentle and kind with yourself, and know that the negative feelings will pass with the exercise that you do.

skm4jc

can you afford to pay for counselling/therapy yourself, with someone of your choosing? Even if it's just once a fortnight? When I had PTSD really badly, I was living in a country with no mental health services, and medical insurance that only covered me for the local quack clinic (as in doctors that would not be qualified to work in the UK, where I'm from) - I paid for therapy myself via skype with a counsellor/therapist in the UK. (this is the reason why I never had meds either, local doctors just didn't have a clue.) Some of the time I could only afford once a fortnight. It costs money but maybe not as much as you'd think, and one big advantage of paying for it yourself (as opposed to insurance company paying (or the NHS for UK people)) is that you don't have to take any of the problems you described, like the counsellor jumping to snap conclusions, not listening to you, pushing you into stuff you're not ready for etc. In fact these things you describe are not good at all, and if you were paying for counselling yourself then a) you have control over that and can just leave and b) the counsellors who take clients who are paying for the counselling themselves know that they will take a hike if the counselling is not good. Also you have control over who you select as your counsellor/therapist to begin with, you can check out their qualifications and experience, and especially check what experience they have at treating your specific condition. I don't know about other mental health problems, but PTSD can be made worse by counsellors who don't know what they're doing, so that's why I'm saying check what experience they have at treating your condition, not just general experience at therapy/counselling.

I can't even afford the extra gas and the coinsurance charges, much less paying $100+ USD per session!!!

jsiricos

Do it one day at a time, don't let "stuff" get to you.

Get outside more, just the sunshine should improve your mood.

As for the counselor, if you didn't like her, it wasn't working. Check out your local government offices for clinics, they do scaled rates, and that wont hit you like $100 will. Better yet, find someone you can talk to, REALLY talk, about anything and everything.

But do it all, One Day at a time

MaraDiaz

I've been battling depression for about 18 months now. I had been doing okay. I was put on 20 mg citalopram (generic for Celexa) daily in January 2012, and seemed to respond nicely. I even managed to lose 36 lbs in 5 months! In July 2012, I suffered a major anxiety attack at work, so my doctor increased my citalopram to 40 mg per day and added .25 mg alprazolam (generic for Xanax) as needed for anxiety. I have noticed that ever since being on the higher dosage, I am less motivated about my weight loss, and gained back 20 LBS of the 36 I'd lost!!! :ohwell: *ashamed*

I know I need to speak with my doctor about my medications, and I intend to at my next appointment in March. In the meantime, does anyone have any advice? I've really been going through a major bout of "I don't care" for the last 6 weeks or so - I'll start out good, and around Wednesday all good intentions go out the window. I've lost my focus, and don't know how to get it back. Please, please help me!!!!!!

:sad:

Don't be ashamed, go back to your doctor and do get taken off the Xanax (under supervision, that stuff has nasty withdrawal potential).

Then beat down some counselors' doors until you get some cognitive therapy. If I come off as having an attitude about this, it isn't toward you, it's toward a system that uses dangerous drugs as a go-to instead of therapy because that is cheaper.

Find a way to make them give you therapy. Don't stop being a pain in the *kitten* until you get it.

skm4jc

Don't be ashamed, go back to your doctor and do get taken off the Xanax (under supervision, that stuff has nasty withdrawal potential).

Then beat down some counselors' doors until you get some cognitive therapy. If I come off as having an attitude about this, it isn't toward you, it's toward a system that uses dangerous drugs as a go-to instead of therapy because that is cheaper.

Find a way to make them give you therapy. Don't stop being a pain in the *kitten* until you get it.

The thing is, the drugs help - or did, anyway. When I first sought out my general practitioner to discuss options, that's really what it was - to check my options. I even flat-out said I hate putting chemicals in my body and would rather not go on medication if there was an alternative, but I was at the end of my rope. She was very sympathetic and understanding, thought medication would help (she actually witnessed a violent mood swing right in her office - I went from pleasant chatting and laughing to crying once we touched on the subject of what had caused my depression), and put me on the lowest dose of medication she could find.

The problem is, I honestly don't think counseling will help. Part of the problem is my job, and I'm actively working to change that. The other problem and what initially caused my downward spiral was a breakup - I was dumped by a guy I'd fallen deeply in love with, and I don't fall in love often and NEVER that hard. It still hurts, especially today. I miss him so much . . . and really, nothing anyone can say or do will help me get past that before my heart is ready to.

AlohaKeAkua

Don't be ashamed of yourself! I don't have advice for you, since I have never been in that situation, but I can tell you that it's a real life battle. I have however, battled weight gain and weight loss throughout my life and I know how aweful that makes me feel. I feel so out of control of myself when I gain weight back. Depression, weight gain, weight loss, anxiety and so on are a part of life, but a very difficult part of life! You're not in it alone, bc so so so many people in the world are facing the same things you are. It's awesome in itself that you can recognize the problem. Look on the bright side, you've lost weight before. 36 pounds is something to really brag about! You've done it once and you'll do it again! Let people support you and love you. Let people in for the journey and experience you're going through and lean on them. You'll get back to where you want to be! You've already proven how badly you want it! I'm glad you're reaching out for help! Hang in there! Like you said, you already know you need to speak with your doctor. That's a great first step!

AlohaKeAkua

There is nothing like a deeply broken heart. You're right, there is nothing that can make you feel better from that, other than time. It's almost like when someone passes away. You grieve and grieve and it just plain ol' hurts and there isn't much people can say or do. Things will get better. They always do! Make sure you value yourself in the midst of your heartache! He was special to you, but you need to be the most special right now!

MaraDiaz

Don't be ashamed, go back to your doctor and do get taken off the Xanax (under supervision, that stuff has nasty withdrawal potential).

Then beat down some counselors' doors until you get some cognitive therapy. If I come off as having an attitude about this, it isn't toward you, it's toward a system that uses dangerous drugs as a go-to instead of therapy because that is cheaper.

Find a way to make them give you therapy. Don't stop being a pain in the *kitten* until you get it.

The thing is, the drugs help - or did, anyway. When I first sought out my general practitioner to discuss options, that's really what it was - to check my options. I even flat-out said I hate putting chemicals in my body and would rather not go on medication if there was an alternative, but I was at the end of my rope. She was very sympathetic and understanding, thought medication would help (she actually witnessed a violent mood swing right in her office - I went from pleasant chatting and laughing to crying once we touched on the subject of what had caused my depression), and put me on the lowest dose of medication she could find.

The problem is, I honestly don't think counseling will help. Part of the problem is my job, and I'm actively working to change that. The other problem and what initially caused my downward spiral was a breakup - I was dumped by a guy I'd fallen deeply in love with, and I don't fall in love often and NEVER that hard. It still hurts, especially today. I miss him so much . . . and really, nothing anyone can say or do will help me get past that before my heart is ready to.

Well if it's your choice to go with medication over counseling that is a different matter. I still don't think you should feel ashamed of yourself. Determined to find a solution, but not ashamed. Medication, even low doses, can have very strong effects.

I understand about the breakup, I've had some bad ones and there was one I didn't fully get over for years. It sucks. I hope your time of mourning is over soon! :flowerforyou:

billsica

I'll tell you how I deal with it. I run.
couch 2 5k.

XXXMinnieXXX

I hated citalopram. Made me feel similar to that. I went on mirtazipine (zispin) this made me terribly hungry all day at first but wore aff after a few months. I do have to go to bed within an hour of taking it though or else I get the munchies. I'd try to get in with your doctor sooner. Don't stop or decrease them. Think you'll just have to wait this one out until you see the doc...

Zara x

RobynLB

I agree that heavy exercise helps a lot with symptoms. Also, you should really have someone you can call when you are feeling really low. Don't isolate yourself. Don't spend too much time in bed or resting, even if you're exhausted. Stay on top of your treatment plan, and get an earlier appointment. Usually, you can call your dr. and say you're having a psychiatric emergency, and be seen the same day. Don't give up hope. Pray.

grnqueen

I have been there as well, in fact it use to start before Christmas and end when I could go outside; for me was the WEATHER and still is! You live in PA (I'm in Ohio) we get the cold weather where we don't feel we can do anything. First thing I will tell you is that if you are not currently taking Vitamin D, get some. Nearly everyone here in the North is low and it causes aches and pains that make you feel worse. What finally kicked me out of it (mind you I still slip back in and out, just not as long) was having a hobby and making myself get out and do something. Find something you love to do, that brings you joy and happiness and lets you feel at peace. For me, believe it or not, it's photography. Getting out and seeing the beauty that is the season was so helpful for me.

The medication for me really didn't help, it just made it worse. In my opinion meds don't fix broken, they band aid it. Find a counselor or even a minister at a church that will listen and give you someone to lean on.

jmc827

I'd say the reason the therapy didn't work is because she wasn't the right fit for you. It really can work if you can find the right person. I saw two different ones when I was a child, one at 11 and one at 15, first one (male) sucked bad, second one (female) was only kinda helpful. Then later in life I decided to try it again, but made appointments with three different people, 2 males, one female. I chose the one who made me feel the most comfortable and had the most compassion, it was the second male. I saw him for 7 years and in that time my insurance stopped with him, but he was so invested in helping me he told me he would continue to accept my co-pay as his payment.

Please consider giving it another chance, and shop around, not all therapists are created equal or are the right fit for you. It changed my life and kicked depression out the door for good!