A confession about the irrational

markdlong

I have a confession to make.

As I've started trying to make the lifestyle changes that I need to make in order to lose a substantial amount of weight, I've been doing a lot of soul searching. During this time, I've come to realize that I have a stumbling block that I had never really acknowledged before: Deep down there's a part of me that is scared of losing weight. There's a part of me that wants to fight tooth and nail and sabotage all my efforts. The enemy within, you might say.

I realize that this is irrational because, after all, why wouldn't someone want to look better, be healthier, be around longer for family and friends, be more comfortable in their own skin, feel less self-conscious around others, and so on and so forth. Obviously nobody needs to explain the tangible (and even intangible) benefits of losing weight.

However, I've been a big guy all my teenage and adult life. I'm almost 40. And it has occurred to me that there is a certain selfish comfort in my being the size I am. It's deeply and profoundly ingrained as a part of my identity: "I AM a fat guy." I've never known anything different, honestly. It's a "defining characteristic" you might say.

Of course I *know* (intellectually) that it's not who I am. I *know* I'm much more beyond that, and that what is inside is what really counts. I *know* that no matter what happens to my body I will always be the same me that I am and that I always have been.

But deep down.... deep deep down... down where you have those little thoughts that don't always *have* to be rational... there's that little niggling, nagging voice that says otherwise. Emotionally there's a tie to me being a big guy. Emotionally there's a series of deranged sorts of comfort. Emotionally it's there. There's a bunch of little "benefits" (for lack of a better word.) It's as simple as the comfort of not having to worry about being cold all the time. It's the comfort of having consistency. It's the comfort of not having to change what I am or how I do things. It's the comfort for having a ready-made excuse for not being able to succeed in something that, perhaps... perhaps I'm just too scared to try to accomplish better or more thoroughly... or at all. Maybe it's just a comfortable reason NOT to do things. It's a comfort of complacency and laziness. (And at a lizard-brain level, who doesn't like to be comfortable?) But it's also an *irrational* fear that if I change... if I change what I LOOK like... then I won't be me anymore. And that silly, stupid, irrational fear scares the hell out of me. There's just a certain comfort of knowing the things that I'm familiar with -- even if they are anguishing, embarrassing, and frustrating.

So, obviously there are a billion reasons TO make a change. But there's this handful of little reasons which aren't talked about a lot. And there seem to be a lot of people who just assume that the positive reasons are so plentiful that the negative reasons shouldn't matter. Or that they should be easy to overcome. But that's the real issue. That's the real stumbling block for me.

They aren't.

So, I just thought I'd put this out here. I'm taking it a day at a time. I'm breathing. I'm working on it. I'm pushing forward against those fears as best I can. But I wanted anyone else that reads this and feels the same way to know that those fears ARE real, and they ARE valid. And they ARE something that have to be overcome.

-Mark

markdlong

And... with it being my first post, I see that I accidentally put it in the wrong category...

NHoughton13

I have often thought of myself as "the fat girl" and was comfortable in that role. I thought at 37, what's the point of changing? I'm already happily married, already have a great kid. Why get skinny? Then the health problems started....aching feet, CPAP to sleep and high blood pressure. My knees were inevitably next. Everyone has a tipping point to get them out of their comfort zone. Mine was not being "skinny" but being healthier. After only one month and 12 pounds I feel like a new person. I love it and hope to keep it up. I have started this journey many times.

But now that you have recognized and accept those facts about yourself, you can work on you emotions as well as your weight. Congrats for trying and sharing!!!

iLoveMyPitbull1225

So, I just thought I'd put this out here. I'm taking it a day at a time. I'm breathing. I'm working on it. I'm pushing forward against those fears as best I can. But I wanted anyone else that reads this and feels the same way to know that those fears ARE real, and they ARE valid. And they ARE something that have to be overcome.

-Mark

I think almost everyone on this site can relate. We all have our struggles in life. I think this section quoted is the most important out of the whole story. The bottom line here is that you wanna make a change and you've got the right ideas. You have learned a little about yourself and are ready to conquer your fears. Its not ever easy of course, but realizing these things about ourselves can often be the most difficult part. You're working on it and thats a big step! You will be just fine if you keep this positive attitude good luck!

LoosingMyLast15

And... with it being my first post, I see that I accidentally put it in the wrong category...

lol. welcome and congratulations on your first NSV (non scale victory) acknowledging you're afraid of the unknown. we all are and we can all empathize with you. now that' you've written your fears put them behind you. print out your post and burn it, get rid of it. today is a new day/your first day.

LoraF83

I used to feel the way you do.

But I can promise that once you lose some weight, your mindset will change. You will love your new life so much that you will barely be able to remember that old fat guy. I've been there for awhile now.
And at some point after that, you'll start to love your new body. I just hit that point this week. I finally see myself for who I am now, what my body looks like. I don't see the fat anymore. I see a healthy, fit woman.

So, acknowledge your feelings now. But don't let it hold you back. Because it gets awesome if you work for it.

markdlong

So, it's been about six months since my original post. It took a little bit of ramping up to get going, and I still had a couple of false starts, but since the beginning of May I've been working hard and haven't let up at all so far (nor will I ever, I know now!) I've just cleared 45 pounds over the last week or so. Yay! I hit a little bit of a plateau over the last week also, but it looks like it's finally broken and things are still looking good. I've gotten to the point where those minor setbacks don't bother me at all.

Every day is easier than the previous one! And it's amazing how much better I feel all the time! The overall improved feeling I'm getting from changes I am effecting on myself are reward enough in themselves, and it turns out that the weight loss is just the added bonus. Who'd have known?

Thanks again for everyone who's offered encouragement! I really appreciate it!