Question for the Ladies

Charles4Jesus

Ladies, as a husband, how do I go about "motivating" my wife to clean up her diet and exercise. Now, that being said this is not my idea. She says all the time she needs to lose weight and eat better. And she gets depressed when getting dressed to either go to town or go church( which is whenever the doors are open). It is hard as we have 4 girls, 2 of which are home-schooled and 2 are under 3yo. So free time is hard to come by. How do I help motivate her without being insensitive? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks and God Bless!

racbergs

You can tell her that it would be easier for you if you were both on the same "diet". That way it's about YOU and not HER so she won't be offended and think that you're calling her fat or anything .

Athena53

Well, first of all, do the opposite of what you read in the "non-supportive Significant Other" threads!

Is all the junk food out of the house? Can you maybe help by cooking some healthy meals? And even home-schooled kids need a little Phys. Ed. Can she take everyone out for a walk during the day? It might be cumbersome with a couple of under-3s but depending on the size of the youngest, a backpack or frontpack and a stroller may work. And, other than rain, you can take properly-dressed kids out in just about anything. (When DS was 2 months old I strapped him into a frontpack and went cross-country skiing. He fell asleep.) Can you take over parenting while she goes to the gym after you get home from work? Can she swap babysitting time with another woman? It may be that she's so focused on the needs of 4 little ones that she's neglecting her own needs.

It may help to ask her what she thinks the roadblocks are, then work on dismantling them.

williams042002

I agree with prior posts! After chauffeur, teacher, maid, cook, etc, your wife (aka Cinderella) doesn't want one more thing added to her to-do list (exercise, intimacy, etc). Let her know you are on board to eat the same and do activity as a family. Schedule a date weekly where you two can connect and talk and catch up. May help you regroup together, putting you on the same page weekly. The food and exercise will become the "norm" and her health, and the health of your family will follow! Just make sure she feels like she doesn't have to do it all. Make a shopping list together! Do the shopping or let her go alone! Cook food ahead of time together! Remind her everyday why you love and respect her, and maybe her mindset will change to be more about being her "best" for you and the kids. That you are truly in it together... A team! Good luck, and bless you for taking the steps to reach out to her!

cjh022

I agree with keeping only healthier foods in the house, and just start by improving her diet by having healthier meals as a family. I like the idea of taking the kids out to walk/play but maybe even go as a family, "hey lets all go for a walk!" If she accepts these smaller changes then maybe you can build her up to getting on mfp and sticking with it. Tell her how awesome mfp is and ask if she'd like to try it too instead of "maybe you should count calories now" or something. She will only do it if she is ready but hopefully since you have already started, the two of you can use each other for support and motivation! Good luck

justrun52

Motivate by being an example yourself- When my husband, siblings, or parents exercise and/or change their diet in some way, I'm more motivated to as well. It might take time, but maybe you could start by asking her to go on a walk with you and the kids, or by helping cook healthier food. You don't have to say a single word about her losing weight/getting into shape, just do little things here and there that will show her how to be healthier. It's easier to get into shape when you have someone to do it with.

GreenLaura22

I think the best way to be supportive is to tell her that since you've began on this path to health and wellness you are amazed by how much better you feel physically and emotionally. Tell her that you love her so much and you hate to see her feeling anything but beautiful. Positive reinforcement! Tell her that she does such an amazing job taking care of your family...and she has to take some time to take care of herself the same way she does all of you.

redjch

All the answers have been great!
Suggest family time for fun fitness stuff, take the kids to a park and let them have fun and run around with them or all walk together.
Maybe you take the kids out and just tell her she deserves some alone time to DO NOTHING but focus on herself; not to clean house or catch up on laundry, etc.
Explain to her just how much you appreciate all that she does for you and your family; that you want her to be around to grow old with and enjoy those milestones in life with: kids graduation, college, marriage, grandkids, retirement, time for just you and her together. That you are trying to get in shape and be healthy for those reasons and you would like for her to do the same. Do a date night, trade off babysitting if you can't afford a sitter, pick a flower off the side of the road (even if it is a weed!) and surprise her with it. Anything that you can do to show her just how much of a treasure she is to you. Maybe suggest a weekend get away for her with female friends or family and you stay home and take care of the kids and don't leave the mess for her to take care of when she gets home. Try getting the older kids involved in "helping Mom out" by teaching them to do stuff around the house (dust, vacuum, dishes, set table) so she isn't doing it all and getting burned out.
Above all, reassure her that you love her and she is a beautiful and amazing woman!!

cordianet

Ultimately you can't. No one can "convince" someone else to do something they don't want to do and expect then to like it or to even want to do it. Her motivation for changing has to be intrinsic and she has to decide of her own free will that she wants to change or it's not going to happen. I faced a similar challenge and what eventually worked was when my wife saw the results of what I was doing.

Let your results speak for you and hope that your success will make her curious enough to try it herself.

thefatchic

I am not trying to come off as rude so please don't take it as that. But, when she truly wants to lose the weight and change her lifestyle she will. No matter how much you want it for her she has to want it for herself. I have a friend who says all the time she wants to lose weight but she does nothing about it. She then gets upset when I lose weight. Some people think that they don't have it in them to make such a huge drastic lifestyle change. The most important thing to do is to be supportive of her. Encourage her to make small changes that she won't even notice them. Sometimes it's as simple as buying veggies instead of junk. I cannot have junk food in my house, I will eat it. It's just how it is. So, in order to prevent that we don't buy it, or if it's bought I try my best to exhibit self control. Maybe talking to her and finding out her reasons why she wants to lose weight and coming up with a plan together would help too. Best of luck!

ObtainingBalance

I am not trying to come off as rude so please don't take it as that. But, when she truly wants to lose the weight and change her lifestyle she will. No matter how much you want it for her she has to want it for herself. I have a friend who says all the time she wants to lose weight but she does nothing about it. She then gets upset when I lose weight. Some people think that they don't have it in them to make such a huge drastic lifestyle change. The most important thing to do is to be supportive of her. Encourage her to make small changes that she won't even notice them. Sometimes it's as simple as buying veggies instead of junk. I cannot have junk food in my house, I will eat it. It's just how it is. So, in order to prevent that we don't buy it, or if it's bought I try my best to exhibit self control. Maybe talking to her and finding out her reasons why she wants to lose weight and coming up with a plan together would help too. Best of luck!

It might be her mindset, she could think she's not capable of it. Or she could struggle with the 'diet' mentality, and when she thinks shes messed up her diet she 'cheats' and gives up. It doesn't mean she doesn't want weight loss, she's just going about it the wrong way.

I agree with all the advice on here, encouragement... I really like the first comment about asking her to do the eating plan you do so it's easier for you.

TrailRunner61

Don't say anything at all. As much as we want them to be healthy too, no one can make them do it, just like no one could force us when we were fat. I think she will have to hit rock bottom on her own, like most of us do. But who knows? Maybe you can help in other ways to encourage her. Most of all, don't nag her and don't talk about it all the time. That's annoying and that's what I was doing to my husband. I would have bonked him in the head if he was doing that to me.
Buy the groceries. Buy the groceries and bring home healthy foods. Cook for her and make tasty, healthy foods that she will like. Skinnytaste.com has a lot of healthier version recipes of 'regular' meals. This will also help your kids stay healthy! Help with the kids, if you don't already. Get them outside and play with them. If you do, help her some more. Help around the house. Tell her she's beautiful.
All you can do is set an example and maybe if she sees that you are getting healthier, have more energy and are happier, she will join in. My husband joined me after he saw me lose 40lbs in 4 mths. I had to coax him to go with me on walks, but once he started losing, his diet changed too. Now he's on mfp and is logging his food and exercise. It can happen!
Good luck.

SwimFan1981

Hi, as someone mentioned earlier, your wife has got to want this for herself. With the best will in the world, nobody can make the change but her.
With this being said, encourage healthy choices and work together as a team. Good luck

acogg

What really helped me was my husband telling me that I am pretty and sexy, showing bits of affection several times a day. Pretty soon, I wanted to BE the person he was treating me as.

MinMin97

Ladies, as a husband, how do I go about "motivating" my wife to clean up her diet and exercise. Now, that being said this is not my idea. She says all the time she needs to lose weight and eat better. And she gets depressed when getting dressed to either go to town or go church( which is whenever the doors are open). It is hard as we have 4 girls, 2 of which are home-schooled and 2 are under 3yo. So free time is hard to come by. How do I help motivate her without being insensitive? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks and God Bless!

She already knows that she needs to do something, so be careful. Just love her, give her compliments. Be pleased and satisfied and happy with her. She will change when she's ready. We have five young children too. Last April I finally got around to beginning my fitness efforts.....any discouragement prior to that would have been crushing. I hated the way my body was looking....a far cry from my previously super fit trim self (on crew in college).

Just be as supportive of her as you can, and maintain love and approval toward her. Let her find her motivation and get on track.

mmddwechanged

What really helped me was my husband telling me that I am pretty and sexy, showing bits of affection several times a day. Pretty soon, I wanted to BE the person he was treating me as.

^^^^^Perfect!!! This will also reframe your thinking which will make you happier in the long run!

HMVOL7409

Hi, as someone mentioned earlier, your wife has got to want this for herself. With the best will in the world, nobody can make the change but her.
With this being said, encourage healthy choices and work together as a team. Good luck

I agree with this. Honestly when I started I only did it to support my husband as he was the one who wanted to eat healthier and lose weight. I did but didn't have much motivation. Since I was the cook I offered a compromise of 30 days and we will see. Well 14 mths later I'm in the best shape ever, eating is completely different and I've done things I never imagined. I got there bc I was willing to help and support him but the will and motivation came from myself to change. Just be encouraging.

rgrstetson

Charles, not a lady, but I can tell you what helped want my wife to change. She always saw me as fit, healthy, and looked forward to a long life together. Turns out that from the outside looking in it would appear that way. I have been dealing with PVC's for years which is where it feels like my heart stops for about 5 beats and then starts again vigorously. Basically all that is going on is it is a nerve issue in which half of my heart spasms and the other half continues. They are not that big a deal unless they are sequential in patterns of 10 or more in a row.

Then I started getting pain in the upper chest and jaw when I would do interval runs. I LOVE to run, I run a lot, and if I weren't active I would have never found out what we discovered next. Turns out I have an enlarged heart and had I not been active and discovered it I would have been one of those random early 40 something's that just suddenly passed of a heart attack or stroke one day. I was really freaked out by this. I mean geez, I am in a very selective military organization. I have run marathons, 50 milers, and a 100 miler. I was doing my best to be healthy...

But what got her was not my concern for myself but for her. She was worried about losing me and I told her that I am getting help, that I am on meds that will help my heart return to normal and my diet now compliments my activity. I told her that I am worried about her because I can't raise our family without her. I need her in my life and want her there for many, many years to come as well.

In the end, she has to want the change. My wife was receptive to seeing her "healthy" husband in a very vulnerable and fragile state. It made her really take a look at her diet and activity as well.

majope

This is how my husband did it--he tried not to push, but when I showed interest in fitness, he supported me. We did our version of the "family walk" for a few years--while my husband (a life-long runner) did his long run on the weekend, our son and I would take a long walk. It was great bonding time for me and the kid, and we got some exercise.

Once it was a habit, my husband began buying exercise clothes for me to, you know, wear on the walks. Amazing what a difference that makes! I felt like I was walking for fitness then, not just for the heck of it. Then, since we were doing long walks anyway, one fall he suggested that when he ran our local half-marathon again in the spring, instead of being spectators like usual maybe the kid and I would like to try to walk it? So we signed up to walk the half. That meant we had to add more walking, and that Christmas my husband gave me a Polar heart rate monitor so I could track my progress. Let me add that this felt like natural progression, not being pushed.

Son and I completed the half-marathon in May 2008, incredibly proud of ourselves. Spontaneously, we decided that next year we'd do it again...only we would run it! Slowly, and with walk breaks if we had to, but we would do it. We didn't run during the summer heat, but that fall began running, and in January the whole family signed up for a training program. That helped keep me accountable--I knew I'd have to run X number of miles on Tuesday night, so I'd better run a few times during the week to prepare for it. Along the way, my husband kept buying me running clothes and little accessories to help keep me motivated.

To cut this short, I (and my son) ran the half in 2009 without even having to walk, and did the race the next three years, too. In '09 and '10 I still stopped running in the summer heat and didn't resume until fall or winter to train for the half, but in '11 I decided I was tired of losing my fitness every summer and forced myself to run on during the hot months. This year I have plans to move beyond the half-marathon distance for the first time--have my eye on both a trail marathon and, gulp, a 50K.

So...I started with a weekly family walk, and morphed into a year-round runner with specific running goals. Along the way, I decided that being heavy wasn't doing my running any good, and tracked calories to lose 35 pounds. Then I realized how great a tool running was for weight loss--eating back my running calories kept me from feeling deprived. I'm now back to tracking calories in an effort to lose some more weight and see if that helps me be a stronger, faster runner.

I can't thank my husband enough. It's only looking back that I can see how, almost invisibly, he helped me get where I am today. I hope there's something here you can borrow to help your own wife, but if not, thanks for letting me post this tribute to my husband!

samantha1242

I would suggest being the one to take over the grocery shopping and cooking for awhile (unless you already do). This can help with the diet change and who doesn't love a man who can cook! To try to get her moving you could go for walks with your kids, or find some kid fun related activity to suggest to her. You could tell her you saw some great deal for some new fitness class or gym (on groupon or something) and see if she would be interested in going. Check out some local fitness classes that do child minding during the day (drop the kids off while your in class at a daycare thingy at the gym - we have that here). I have never been to church but don't they have church activity groups? My sister in law goes and she goes to some baby and me group that go for walks and stuff during the day. Or, maybe see if she would like to be treated to new running shoes or workout clothes.. that sometimes helps people get motivated.

skinnyinnotime

Ultimately she needs to do this because she wants to. When she does make changes or any effort to improve make sure you notice, praise, show an interest and encourage her. Someone noticing your are trying is a great inspiration

bmcnare

I agree with several of the previous posts. She has to want to, and she may want to, but there may be something holding her back. With your big family, obviously time is an issue for her. And I'm sure, after taking care of your girls and your house, etc, etc, etc. she is worn out.. Maybe you could get the whole family involved. Go for a walk, go play in the yard. I find that people are often intimidated by this big weight loss goal they have. But the first step is to just start moving and doing it. You don't have to run 3 miles, or only eat salads. Take small steps, attainable steps, and when there are small results there will be motivation. For instance, I just started by working 10 minutes on the eliptical, and by making sure I didn't sit for more than one half hour at a time, when I am at work. Don't allow junk food in the house. Keep lots of healthy snack in the house. This is what has helped me.

retiree2006

Since she's home schooling 2 of the children, maybe you can suggest that, as a family, you do a unit on "good nutrition" as a learning experience. Get all of the family involved in planning menus, shopping and chopping, and cooking up the goodies. Discuss how it's also important to include being active is also important and maybe try out all kinds of activities, as part of the studies, to see which ones they enjoy.

Good luck.

dgljones

My guess is your family and your religion take up about every spare second in your life. Without being disrespectful to either try and shoehorn in space for fitness. If it can become a shared interest it will be something you both will benefit from. My wife and I have both done a great job individually, but when it came together and became something we discussed each day, comparing notes, discussing exercise times, lbs lost, new clothing sizes, recipes, things we had learned etc etc it exploded our weight loss/fitness.

Athena53

Speaking of church- would it be possible for her to look into a Bible-based program for her church? One my DH belonged to in NJ sponsored a workshop called "Weigh Down". Sometimes group support makes a big difference.

MinMin97

She already knows that she needs to do something, so be careful. Just love her, give her compliments. Be pleased and satisfied and happy with her. She will change when she's ready. We have five young children, too. Last April I finally got around to beginning my fitness efforts.....any discouragement prior to that would have been crushing. I hated the way my body was looking....a far cry from my previously super fit trim self (on crew in college).

Just be as supportive of her as you can, and maintain love and approval toward her. Let her find her motivation and get on track.

I am adding to my own post lol
A great hindrance to my happiness and productivity at home is clutter/grubbiness and a disordered schedule. So, IMO having a clean home, getting to bed on time are utmost importance to cultivate. Cultivate these things with kindness and gentleness, working your family in this direction. It took some time, but I finally established an early bedtime (going to sleep at 9:30pm). Also, the children have a cleaned up room and are in bed by 8:30pm (they settle down better in a cleaned up room!), leaving time for me and husband to be together for an hour before bed--I LOVE THIS!!! Also because I am rested I wake up, with no alarm, by 4am...this is when I get up and go to the gym for weights ( I LOVE THIS!!!). This timeframe takes no family time away, and also it is a very efficient time of day because there are few distractors at home, on the road, at the gym. I do some cardio later in the day (my oldest is 14 so I can get out a bit now), like a bikeride, walk/run. I also have time to stretch, take a shower, eat a breakfast that's right for my body, in peace, or maybe just climb back into bed for a bit.....all before the children awake. This is because my house is orderly and clean, and my schedule is sane. But it took time to cultivate this. So be patient and gentle. Boy, is my life and body different than it was a year ago.

KimLoan325

My mom stayed home to raise 5 kids (less than 8 years between the oldest and youngest) and we're all so grateful. My Dad still worships her to this day! Good on her for making family the first priority...

My suggestion: you can double down and do some favors/errands for her like shopping for groceries or preparing a meal. She will appreciate one less thing for her to do, and gives you the opportunity to boost the Health-Quotient of what's on the table and the things in the fridge + pantry.

Even prepping (chopping vegetables and meal planning) doesn't take that much time but can save HER so much time if you're going to do a casserole, soup, pressure-cooker or crockpot meal. That way she can just dump everything in and forget about it.

Offer to do the laundry, the dishes or some other chore and ask if she'd like to take a walk by herself. Relative quiet and not worrying about the kids for an hour can seem like a major vacation to a F/T mother of young kids.

As a Mom, and having a great one, I know that we'll always put the children and family first. It's very easy to get overwhelmed. Our looks, our health and fitness will be last on the list of priorities if we get overrun by more urgent things like managing a household and home-schooling the kids. Since she's expressed a desire to be healthier, you can do everything to support that goal.

Even joining the local gym together would be good - it means you're doing something jointly, you're invested in being proactive and it will give her a place to go to "get away" from the kids.

Do keep us posted!

jlsexson

I like what people have been saying and agree with a lot of it. I find for myself that it is really hard for me to control myself if I have temptations in the house, junk food, candy, ect. If I don't buy it, I can't have it. I also thought it would be a good idea to have my husband tell me when I was making a bad choice. Turned out not to be a good idea! It made me resent him, because I found I didn't like someone telling me what I could and could not have. Mostly I feel the best about myself when my husband tells me he loves me. He doesn't care what I look like; he just loves me anyway. I didn't tell him I needed to hear it. He just did it. Knowing that allows me to find my own motivation. I want to be able to move and play with my kids, and I want to feel good about myself when I go out. It is hard with kids. Mine are 6, 4, and 2. I find it is easiest for me to work out in the mornings before they are awake. That isn't always possible, but it helps. My husband also helps by watching them sometimes while I work out. Just try to stay supportive. Tell her you know she can do it! She just has to believe in herself!

Charles4Jesus

Thanks for all the suggestions. I don't nag her or say anything 'cuz I know weight and your bodies is a very touchy subject. And If she were happy with her body I'd be perfectly fine with it, because I love her SO much. She is the one that talks about how fat she is(her words,not mine), and I try to be supportive as possible. In the evenings I ask her if she wants to go for a walk, or tell her I'll watch the little ones and she can go(thought she might like some alone time), and sometimes she goes with me. There is an incentive at work that if you wear a pedometer and average 7000 steps a day you can earn an extra $500-600 for the year per person(I know its not a lot, but it could help with CHRISTmas). I asked her if she wanted one, she said yes and I got one for her. IF she's not close to the 7000 by the time I go walk, she says it not worth it. Thank you again for all the suggestions and God Bless!

Athena53

Charles- thanks for the update! Always good to hear the response after people post a lot of suggestions.

7,000 steps is a lot. We have incentives, too, and my 74-year old DH manages 5,000+ steps a few days a week, but if the bar were set at 7,500 he might not make it! He gets points for that and I get twice as many for going 10,000, but I have pretty rigorous workouts.

That might be a good incentive, though- she's doing something for herself and for the family.

CaliSteph

All you can do is be supportive when she's willing or wants to change. Give her opportunities like you have and continuing to make her feel good about herself with words and gestures. As previously pointed out, only she can make the decision to change. Good luck to you!