Are we teaching our kids to be too sensitive?

Krizzle4Rizzle

My Niece (who is 28) has a son in Kindergarten. His birthday party is this weekend. He wanted to invite all the boys in his class, accept one because said boy “cusses all the time”, and my great nephew is not a fan. He chose not to invite any of the girls in his class either, because they are girls. That’s kid logic for ya. My niece could not afford for him to invite the whole class anyways because they are having it at Chuck E Cheese and you pay per kid. She made homemade invitations and plan to put them discreetly in the kids homework folders since she volunteers at his school. The teacher did not allow her to do this because she didn’t want to hurt the kids feelings. This is somewhat understandable. I can understand her not wanting to deal with angry parents. What I can’t understand is my great nephew being chastised by his teacher for talking about his birthday party. This is his first party that isn’t just family. He is so excited.

My question is at what point do we teach our kids that’s ok, some things you will be invited to and some things you won’t. Are we protecting our kids so much that they are growing up too sensitive? What’s your opinion?

_noob_

I wish I could just invite certain family members to things without ticking off others.

People in general stink at this.

And don't get me started on the nightmare of being the "peacekeeper" as the groom of a wedding...

sunsnstatheart

Perhaps we are, but the birthday party invitation issue sure is a great learning experience about hurt feelings, group politics and social etiquette.

karenjoy

you ever been the parent of the ONE kid in the class not invited? I have, it is pretty horrible let me tell you and i am not one for making my kids soft, but he has ADHD and PSD and Mothers are quite often judgmental biatches and he is now 20 years old, with a good job and I am proud of him, but being the ONE kid that doesn't get invited? really? you would be OK with that if it was you? its OK if there are several others not going, you can explain that really easy, but the one?

corn63

Everybody gets a trophy because everybody wins.

BeachGingerOnTheRocks

Birthday party is a toughie. I've lived in communities where there was a 100% RSVP rate and if you gave it you knew the kid was coming. Now I live in a community where it's normally 50% acceptance, you give them to the opposite sex, but they don't come. Her school has the policy that the whole class gets them or nobody does.

You have to live with politics.

lovelyMYlovely

um... i dont really know how to react to this... lol.... i have 2 kids and i havent gotten to this stage yet.. but ill tell you what.. its stressing me out thinking of it... lol... i wouldnt invite the entire class except 1 boy though.. thats rude.. very mean.. i would make them pick 5 friends... lol.. or however many they have that are their best friends..

as a mother if my kids didnt want to invite 1 child when the entire boys in the class are going i would then say that its rude not to invite 1 boy out of them all... as a parent you need to teach your kids good manors. the only time i would not invite a classmate is if they physically hurt my child....

tomomatic

Yes, schools are too sensitive. Not too far from my house, some elementary school kid got suspended for pointing their finger like a gun and saying "bang bang."

I've had something similar happen at my daughter's school but it played out a little differently:

It was a pottery painting party and so we didn't want too many kids. My daughter had the invitations and wanted to give them out to her friends personally. The teacher confiscated the invitations because they were becoming too much of a distraction and asked her not to talk about the invitations. I came to school to confront the teacher and she explained to me that she wanted to spare the uninvited kid's feelings and quietly tuck invitations into the invited kid's take home folders but ran out of time that day.

More or less, it sounds like your niece's son had the same experience.

Edit: My daughter was only inviting about 6 people from her class and a few other kids from other class rooms.

BeachGingerOnTheRocks

um... i dont really know how to react to this... lol.... i have 2 kids and i havent gotten to this stage yet.. but ill tell you what.. its stressing me out thinking of it... lol... i wouldnt invite the entire class except 1 boy though.. thats rude.. very mean.. i would make them pick 5 friends... lol.. or however many they have that are their best friends..

as a mother if my kids didnt want to invite 1 child when the entire boys in the class are going i would then say that its rude not to invite 1 boy out of them all... as a parent you need to teach your kids good manors. the only time i would not invite a classmate is if they physically hurt my child....

Completely agree.

DavPul

Our kids? With the number of grown adults that whine about mean people on this site, i have no doubt that our kids are going to grow up to be totally unprepared to face life in the competitive world where everyone isn't their friend. I watch the kid's baseball games where every kid gets to bat every inning and they don't keep score. that ain't baseball. And no, not everyone gets to go to every party. It's up to the kid's own parents to explain life to them as opposed to forcing every parent of a 5 year old to have 30 kids from school at every single event.

perfectingpatti

I don't think it's appropriate to pass out invitations during school if you're not inviting everyone. Parents can do that outside of school. Not only to avoid hurt feelings, but drama, too. Kids can be mean and use things like parties to exclude others and then rub it in their faces. Sadly.

However, I think it's very important to teach children that there will be disappointments in life. It's imporant for them to learn these lessons while still young and living at home where they have parents to support and guide them through these things. Something as seemingly insignificant as not being invited to a birthday party when you're in the 1st grade can turn out to be a really big lesson in life.

Everyone on a winning team should get a trophy. Not everyone should get the MVP award. I don't like the idea of taking away things like the MVP award to avoid hurting others' feelings.

I think it's okay that every kid makes certain teams, but I don't think coaches should be forced into playing every kid on the team (competetive teams).

So, I think we can be sensitive to kids' feelings without making them too sensitive.

DontStopB_Leakin

Our kids? With the number of grown adults that whine about mean people on this site, i have no doubt that our kids are going to grow up to be totally unprepared to face life in the competitive world where everyone isn't their friend. I watch the kid's baseball games where every kid gets to bat every inning and they don't keep score. that ain't baseball. And no, not everyone gets to go to every party. It's up to the kid's own parents to explain life to them as opposed to forcing every parent of a 5 year old to have 30 kids from school at every single event.

This.

DontStopB_Leakin

I don't think it's appropriate to pass out invitations during school if you're not inviting everyone. Parents can do that outside of school. Not only to avoid hurt feelings, but drama, too. Kids can be mean and use things like parties to exclude others and then rub it in their faces. Sadly.

However, I think it's very important to teach children that there will be disappointments in life. It's imporant for them to learn these lessons while still young and living at home where they have parents to support and guide them through these things. Something as seemingly insignificant as not being invited to a birthday party when you're in the 1st grade can turn out to be a really big lesson in life.

Everyone on a winning team should get a trophy. Not everyone should get the MVP award. I don't like the idea of taking away things like the MVP award to avoid hurting others' feelings.

I think it's okay that every kid makes certain teams, but I don't think coaches should be forced into playing every kid on the team (competetive teams).

So, I think we can be sensitive to kids' feelings without making them too sensitive.

And also this.


I *never* handed out birthday invitations at school. Yes, people still got upset when they weren't invited, but my mother never allowed me to pass them out at school. It's not the appropriate venue.

MorgueBabe

Perhaps we are, but the birthday party invitation issue sure is a great learning experience about hurt feelings, group politics and social etiquette.

And maybe school isn't the proper place to give out the invites. No one likes being last picked or left out. I'm sure she could easily get parents numbers from a PTA list and just invite the ones that way or mail them.

If you don't know their address or phone number why are they getting an invite anyway?

WinnerVictorious

i think kids should learn that life isn't fair as soon as they are old enough to accept it.

that will spare them some grief later on.

5stringjeff

I *never* handed out birthday invitations at school. Yes, people still got upset when they weren't invited, but my mother never allowed me to pass them out at school. It's not the appropriate venue.

Word. We snail-mailed invitations out to the kids my son invited to his 7th birthday. No school rules, no hurt feelings, no angry phone calls.

jnichel

Everybody gets a trophy because everybody wins.

This. Number one problem in this world today. It makes losing acceptable. I'm not saying that losing is bad; losing is a part of life, but giving a kid a pat on the head for losing is sending the wrong message. No, losing isn't bad, but it isn't trophy worthy, and our kids should understand that *when* they lose at something, it's okay to feel bad about it....it's okay to not be happy with it...and for damn sure, it's okay to take the steps necessary to win the next time.

GorillaNJ

Well are we teaching our kids to be too sensitive is a whole other issue...

But the no handing out invitations in class is a rule in my kids school... and I like it. Why have the teachers deal with that crap, get the class list and send them out in the mail. And when I say crap I dont mean the actual handing out, but when some kid gets left out and cries about it...

Kids birthday parties are the worst thing in the world anyway.. especially Chucky Cheese!

Unknown

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jbutterflye

A good lesson to teach kids is to differentiate who they are from what they do. Who they are is always wonderful & loveable. What they do varies, but doesn't change who they are.

BamBam125

My Niece (who is 28) has a son in Kindergarten. His birthday party is this weekend. He wanted to invite all the boys in his class, accept one because said boy “cusses all the time”, and my great nephew is not a fan. He chose not to invite any of the girls in his class either, because they are girls. That’s kid logic for ya. My niece could not afford for him to invite the whole class anyways because they are having it at Chuck E Cheese and you pay per kid. She made homemade invitations and plan to put them discreetly in the kids homework folders since she volunteers at his school. The teacher did not allow her to do this because she didn’t want to hurt the kids feelings. This is somewhat understandable. I can understand her not wanting to deal with angry parents. What I can’t understand is my great nephew being chastised by his teacher for talking about his birthday party. This is his first party that isn’t just family. He is so excited.

1) I completely agree with the teacher. Invitations should not be passed out at school if some students are not invited. Even if all students are invited, I would caution against it. The invitation should really go to the parent of the child who can accept or decline on the child's behalf. (Plus in a public school some students do not celebrate birthdays because of religious reasons.)

2) I see two opportunities for students to learn life lessons here.

First the life lesson that not everyone wants you at the party (for the uninvited).

And second, that the party-planner needs to be more considerate of the non-invited. Anytime I had a party, my parents cautioned me to only talk about it to the invited guests and to be careful that others could not easily over hear. (Accidents happen so some overheard talk will happen, but it should be minimal.) They taught me that to talk about a party when non-invited people were around was rude. The teacher should not need to tell the kid this. The kids parents should have told the kid before the invites were even made. Even as an adult, I do not talk about parties in front of people who are not invited. (Unless it's a co-worker and the party was all family or something like that--as in "how was your weekend" chit chat. )

Krissy366

I think it's okay that every kid makes certain teams, but I don't think coaches should be forced into playing every kid on the team (competetive teams).

Have to disagree with this. Every kid doesn't make it onto a competitive team, but if the policy is "every kid makes the team" then I feel that every kid should play. Because every parent is paying a boatload of money for the kid to play, and if my kid was going to do nothing but sit on a bench, I'd rather have them not make the team than for me to pay for him to sit and do absolutely nothing.

As for the birthday parties - I feel like they're out of control anyway. Invite a couple kids. Send the invitations directly to their house and call it a day. No need to invite everyone, but excluding one kid is rude.

GorillaNJ

Everybody gets a trophy because everybody wins.

This. Number one problem in this world today. It makes losing acceptable. I'm not saying that losing is bad; losing is a part of life, but giving a kid a pat on the head for losing is sending the wrong message. No, losing isn't bad, but it isn't trophy worthy, and our kids should understand that *when* they lose at something, it's okay to feel bad about it....it's okay to not be happy with it...and for damn sure, it's okay to take the steps necessary to win the next time.

I disagree... depends what we are talking about. I coach baseball and football for my kids teams and have been since they were 5... they are 7&9 now.

The early years of both sports are completely instructional... each kid gets a trophy at a pizza party at the end of the year. Kids learned how to play the game, parents did not murder the coach everyone goes home with a trophy. There is no sense in competition when a 6 year old is just figuring out how to tackle or how to correctly throw a ball.

But they move on... 3rd grade is when our programs move on to keeping scores and some level of stats with all star teams. End of the year they still get a trophy for participating.. again parents did not murder the coach have something for the mantle that signifies that... But teams win tournament trophies.

This year was the first my boys did wrestling... very different, there is always a winner and loser. Towards the end of the season we have been going to tournaments and Gold/Silver/Bronze medals are awarded... for each bracket. The brackets are balanced by weight and skill level... but some kids end up going home with nothing. Luckily my boys have been able to win something each time... that medal is a big reward in their eyes.

spade117

Majority of the time, I'd rather my kids didn't get invited to bday parties.

perfectingpatti

Have to disagree with this. Every kid doesn't make it onto a competitive team, but if the policy is "every kid makes the team" then I feel that every kid should play. Because every parent is paying a boatload of money for the kid to play, and if my kid was going to do nothing but sit on a bench, I'd rather have them not make the team than for me to pay for him to sit and do absolutely nothing.

Not all competitive teams cost a boatload of money. Being a part of a team does not mean playing in the games. I think that's where parents run into problems with this issue. It's okay to teach your child that being on a "practice squad" has its own value. Kids can make a team and be very useful without actually playing in any game. I think it's the parents who don't like this idea and pass that on to their kids.

My 13 year old is autistic. He tried out for football this year and made the team. He rarely played in a game. But, he practiced every day and practiced against the boys who played in the games. They had a winning season. I told him how important his role was to the success of the team. He was proud to be a part of the team. Now, if I had gotten all pissy about it and with the coaches, then David probably would have too. Why do parents do that to their kids?

firstsip

Our kids? With the number of grown adults that whine about mean people on this site, i have no doubt that our kids are going to grow up to be totally unprepared to face life in the competitive world where everyone isn't their friend. I watch the kid's baseball games where every kid gets to bat every inning and they don't keep score. that ain't baseball. And no, not everyone gets to go to every party. It's up to the kid's own parents to explain life to them as opposed to forcing every parent of a 5 year old to have 30 kids from school at every single event.

This.

Coming from someone who was always the, "Sorry, we ran out of invitations" or "You don't come to sleepovers, so we knew you just wouldn't come." It helped me figure out who my actual friends were at a very young age, that you WON'T be friends with everyone, etc.

SarahCW1979

I dont do birthday parties for my kids inviting their school friends. Its just too much hassle with the drama queen mums at the gates wondering why their kid hasnt been invited and behaving like its some kind of personal vendetta against them. They have loads of friends outside of school so they aren't worried and I dont have to deal with sh!tty looks in the playground.

Everybody gets a trophy because everybody wins.


This. Number one problem in this world today. It makes losing acceptable. I'm not saying that losing is bad; losing is a part of life, but giving a kid a pat on the head for losing is sending the wrong message. No, losing isn't bad, but it isn't trophy worthy, and our kids should understand that *when* they lose at something, it's okay to feel bad about it....it's okay to not be happy with it...and for damn sure, it's okay to take the steps necessary to win the next time.

Absolutely this^^ They get the things they want when they earn them, they understand they cant win or get top marks at everything but also that they dont get rewarded for failure, Ill say it was great that they tried their best but wont tell them it doesnt matter.

VelociMama

Everybody gets a trophy because everybody wins.

This. Number one problem in this world today. It makes losing acceptable. I'm not saying that losing is bad; losing is a part of life, but giving a kid a pat on the head for losing is sending the wrong message. No, losing isn't bad, but it isn't trophy worthy, and our kids should understand that *when* they lose at something, it's okay to feel bad about it....it's okay to not be happy with it...and for damn sure, it's okay to take the steps necessary to win the next time.

I disagree... depends what we are talking about. I coach baseball and football for my kids teams and have been since they were 5... they are 7&9 now.

The early years of both sports are completely instructional... each kid gets a trophy at a pizza party at the end of the year. Kids learned how to play the game, parents did not murder the coach everyone goes home with a trophy. There is no sense in competition when a 6 year old is just figuring out how to tackle or how to correctly throw a ball.

But they move on... 3rd grade is when our programs move on to keeping scores and some level of stats with all star teams. End of the year they still get a trophy for participating.. again parents did not murder the coach have something for the mantle that signifies that... But teams win tournament trophies.

This year was the first my boys did wrestling... very different, there is always a winner and loser. Towards the end of the season we have been going to tournaments and Gold/Silver/Bronze medals are awarded... for each bracket. The brackets are balanced by weight and skill level... but some kids end up going home with nothing. Luckily my boys have been able to win something each time... that medal is a big reward in their eyes.

^ I agree with this sentiment completely.

RobfromLakewood

I 100% agree with the idea of schools not allowing invitations to be handed out during school. They have enough socializing issues without the potential of non-invites handle as well. I do think excluding the girls because (and since has backed this up) they have cooties, well that makes sense. Leaving one boy out seems mean. I appreciate that the kid cusses and I think it should be addressed, but not by ostracizing him.

While it's within rights not to invite the kid for any reason, if we're wondering when people should learn life lessons, why not teach that sometimes we associate with others we may not like, but because it's the kind thing to do. In the same vein, I rarely have had trouble addressing inappropriate behavior if I feel a parent is neglecting this duty. I do think ignoring it is okaying it and sometimes, it does take a village.

Krissy366

Have to disagree with this. Every kid doesn't make it onto a competitive team, but if the policy is "every kid makes the team" then I feel that every kid should play. Because every parent is paying a boatload of money for the kid to play, and if my kid was going to do nothing but sit on a bench, I'd rather have them not make the team than for me to pay for him to sit and do absolutely nothing.

Not all competitive teams cost a boatload of money. Being a part of a team does not mean playing in the games. I think that's where parents run into problems with this issue. It's okay to teach your child that being on a "practice squad" has its own value. Kids can make a team and be very useful without actually playing in any game. I think it's the parents who don't like this idea and pass that on to their kids.

My 13 year old is autistic. He tried out for football this year and made the team. He rarely played in a game. But, he practiced every day and practiced against the boys who played in the games. They had a winning season. I told him how important his role was to the success of the team. He was proud to be a part of the team. Now, if I had gotten all pissy about it and with the coaches, then David probably would have too. Why do parents do that to their kids?

I think we're talking about two different things. I'm not talking about competitive teams at all - and find that most don't have an "everyone makes the team" policy anyway. And in most cases, kids that aren't playing this year, end up playing next year after their practice improves their skills.

I'm talking about the 5 - 8 year olds, playing little league, etc. Usually costs a couple hundred bucks between fees, equipment, etc. And if the kid makes the team, the practices are usually a couple times per week (if that) with a game on weekends (sometimes practice is just warming up before the game once the season starts - so after the first month of practices, they never participate again if they don't get to play). I do think kids in those circumstances should get to play. Maybe some play more than others, but I seriously watched my cousin sit on a bench an entire season and get to play maybe a total of ten minutes the whole 2 month season. She was actually pretty good, not quite as good as the other kids, but she certainly never improved because she was never allowed to play. Her parents paid hundreds of dollars for the kid to sit on a bench and learn nothing (and get no exercise to boot), because she was hardly ever allowed to participate. By the time she was of an age to play competitive sports, she had given up baseball in favor of hockey, because they actually helped develop her skills and didn't just collect her fees, have her buy a bunch of expensive stuff and then pretend she didn't exist.

And for what it's worth, her parents never got pissy and neither did she. But had she been my kid, I probably would have asked for a refund and helped her find an activity that actually would have fostered...well...anything. Because she got NOTHING out of the experience.

SerenaFisher

Yes, I dread the day my daughter goes to school. I wonder when school stopped being about education, and started being about feelings, and a social testing ground for certain ideas? They are talking about expanding the hours of school here. I wonder why myself, they are already not teaching the kids enough with the hours they do have, it seems school has become less about reading, writing, and arthmetic, and more about "team spirit" and "sensitivity to others". I guess we need to give our kids one more hours of knowing how to treat each other and that will solve all of our problems.

I graduated in 2002, and I think even in my days of school things were too touchy feely and I was one of the students that wasn't invited to birthday parties. I didn't understand why school was about "team work" "group thought" and "gym" when it should have been about educating my mind. I wish they'd emphasize individualism and not lump everyone together like lemmings. Ironically a lot of people think that this "touchy feely" approach makes kids more social, and inspires team work, from my experience the outcasts are still outcasts, and the in kids are still in kids, the out casts just get forced to work with the in kids and it inspires nothing.

As for teachers, my grandmother is a teacher, and they are doing us a great service but I am tired of hearing about the "poor teachers". You have twenty students that you can send to a principle office if they give you trouble, plus you can call their parents for support, or suspend them if they become enough of an issue. You have 4 weeks plus off for summer, two or three weeks during the school year off, countless other days off, vacation time, and an extremely good health care, and retirement plan considering what most people get. You only make 38K a year? Poor baby, you also get more benefits then ANYONE. Nurses make 35K a year, get every other weekend off if they're lucky, get very little for vacation time, save lives, and deal with 40 residents/people that are allowed to punch, kick, slap, cuss and treat them like general garbage. Then there's family members on top of that, and no one seems to complain much about what they get paid.

*deep breath* Sore subject.