He Doesn't Support Me...

LovelyLaura2321

I've struggled with my weight all my life. I met my fiance 3 1/2 years ago when I weighed 312 pounds at 5'6. He is also 5'6 and weighs 140. Our relationship was good, and he's even the reason I was able to go from 312 to 270 in just a few months.

After the initial loss, I slacked and stopped trying as hard. I was happy, and I just started making excuses about my weight and losing it. "Just this one time I'll cheat or skip the gym".... which always turned into weeks at a time.

And then I would feel bad and gross enough to try to lose weight again. And I would fail. Maybe I'd lose 5 pounds, but then I'd go back to eating crap and being lazy.

And my fiance would get frustrated with me, and then I would get defensive and just make things worse.

We would end the argument with me promising I would lose the weight. (It wasn't like a "Laura, you better lose this weight or I'm leaving you" kind of thing. It was more like a "Laura, you said you were going to do this, and you need to do it to be healthy" kind of thing.

I promised him several times (stupid, I know) that I would do it this time. He eventually just stopped believing in me - which has leaked into most aspects of our relationship.

I haven't promised anything like this to him for over a year now, but it doesn't matter. It's just as if I just broke the promise again. I'm still struggling with my weight. It's really really really hard for me to stick with it. A few years later, I'm only at 244 if that tells you anything.

But the way I see it, I'm still going down. I'm slowly losing it, and I really truly feel like my breakthrough is here. I know that I'm changing, but he still doesn't believe me. He says he won't believe me until I actually do it. Fair enough.

But why does he flat out have to tell me that I'm going to fail and to not even try? I get that he doesn't trust me, and that I caused him to feel that way, but why does he discourage me on the days I feel the strongest and most confident about what I'm doing?

Of course I'm afraid I'm going to fail again, but I have to at least try.

Am I missing something here?

concordancia

Have you asked him that? Preferably calmly and rationally, rather than screaming it at him in the heat of the moment?

What? Am I the only one that snaps like that?!

irishscootz

The thing that stands out to me, and actually make it difficult to see the rest, is the "I promised him" statements. Have you tried making a promise to yourself?

Just a little different perspective.

Also losing 68 lbs is still a huge accomplishment!

Lleldiranne

You only fail when you stop trying. Remind him of that. Every time you try and fall short, you at least are still trying. It's better than not even making the attempt.

quiksylver296

My first thought is that you are going to have to prove it. The talking about it in the past has fallen through, so there is nothing you can do at this point except show him the progress.

sugboog29

Speaking for myself...my husband asked me for years to lose weight...but until I was READY to do it, for me, it never happened. Finally I took a good look in the mirror one day and realized I had to do something...plus my size 18 jeans were getting tight. That day 28 months ago changed my life. I'm not where I want to be just yet, but I will get there. I'm healthier now than I think I have ever been and I know I workout more than I ever have (and I love it). This is something you have to do for you....and your head has to be in the right place too!! Good luck to you!!

RobinV_Seattle

The thing that stands out to me, and actually make it difficult to see the rest, is the "I promised him" statements. Have you tried making a promise to yourself?

This^^

Ultimately, this has to be something you do for yourself.

olores

Just focus on YOU!!!! He'll come around once you come around for yourself....no conversation about your weight anymore, just do YOU....no expectations from him....don't worry, stress over any non verbal or verbal converation...hit the activity, move the body, make the right choices for your body....keep silent, let your actions be YOUR truth and guide!!!! DO YOU!!!!

BlackStarDeceiver

"Am I missing something here?"

Yes, yes you are. Regardless of the issues that weight loss or being overweight brings into your relationship. The fact of the matter remains that it's not about him, it's about you. It's your body and it's your body image. Don't count on anyone around you for support, family or otherwise. You should be more concerned about letting yourself down than letting him down. You do this for you and only you, and only because it's what you want.

Sorry if I am coming off as cynical. But this is something only you can do; and if you really want it you'll just keep pushing forward regardless of who believes in you.

Also, don't hold yourself to so high of a standard that you ultimately set yourself up for failure. You will slip up. Everyone does. Just keep pushing. Set mini goals and strive to reach them.

Kickinkim418

The thing that stands out to me, and actually make it difficult to see the rest, is the "I promised him" statements. Have you tried making a promise to yourself?

Just a little different perspective.

Also losing 68 lbs is still a huge accomplishment!

^^^^^Ding Ding Ding....

You should not be doing this for anyone, but yourself!!! Set realistic goals...losing weight is a journey. It's an up and downhill thing....but as you go along, you will start to make small changes for the better, and eventually those small changes will total big changes. Do YOU really want to be healthier? If so, you can't look for anyone else's approval....you have to do it and be proud of any small accomplishment that you make....good luck. If you are willing to do this for YOU, I'm here to support you. Feel Free to add me...but make sure you remind me how you came across me when you request me.

anifani4

Maybe you could have him read some profiles here on mfp.... how common it is for people to make several attempts at losing weight until they hit upon the attitude and plan that will work for them.

Maybe you could find some good articles about the way "dieting" messes up the hormones that control appetite and how they stay screwed up for years afterward causing dieters to gain the weight back.

Look at smokers....many want to quit. They know it's not healthy. But it often takes several attempts to be completely successful at it.

And then you can ask him to be more understanding and patient with you. Love is so much more powerful a motivator than criticism.

rosebarnalice

I struggle every day with my weight--as I have since I was a child, and I've been with my [skinny] husband and he's been with me for 28 years-- through thick thicker, thickest, then thin, then thick again.

He fell in love with me fat. . . but he's also been there when I've been in a good exercise routine and had my food under control, and he knows how my attitude and self-image improve when things are going well in that area.

But he also learned a long time ago that there was NOTHING he could say that would change me. I have to change myself. He praises me when I'm doing well, but he keeps to himself when I'm not. It is NOT his job to change me or to be my food and exercise cop. . . I have to do that myself.

I suspect that if you're anything like me, you're sensitive about your weight, so it's possible that you're projecting your own insecurities on him and inflating what he says or does. And if that's what's happening, then it's not fair to him--particularly if he loves you and cares for you enough to still be around after 3+ years.

Onnnnnnn the other hand. . . . my years as a volunteer at a battered women's shelter taught me that continuous little jabs and put-downs is an extremely common mechanism that abusers use to keep their women "in their place"-- the psychology being to remind the woman that, "hey, just remember you're damned lucky that I put up with you because you wouldn't be desirable to anyone else. "

To be clear, from one post on a diet and weight loss site, I wouldn't begin to try to tell you exactly what's going on in either your brain or his.

. . but that fact that it gets to you enough to say something in the first place makes me think that you might want to consider looking into it further. . . . maybe even seeking some counseling to determine whether it's you or him.

Sqeekyjojo

Stop looking to him to validate what you are doing and just get on and do it. You obviously can, because you weigh less than you did when you met him.

What are you waiting for? Him to say it's OK, you don't have to do it anymore? To say OK, he believes you now, and then it'll magically disappear without trying?


Just do it. He'll believe it then. Until you actually do it, it is all just empty promises, just words, not actions.

dmpizza

I suspect your boyfriend has a very low opinion of himself.

rebekahheiner

It's understandable that your significant other would want you to lose the weight, but I would never, ever put up with criticism. The best way to motivate a person isn't through nagging, but through encouragement. My husband just encourages me to get fit for me, not for him. Because he knows I'm a happier person when I'm active and that I feel better about myself, even when I look the same as before, on the outside. It changes me on the inside, and when I feel sexy, I seem sexier to him.
If you really want to change, you'll change. It'll take hard work, consistency, and dedication. You'll have to keep a long term perspective at all times. But it'll pay off. But changing for someone else will not be beneficial. Even if you manage to lose weight, you'll just end up gaining it back. And from what you said, it seems like he's more of a burden to you, as far as the losing weight thing goes, than anything else. I hate to say it, but if he doesn't encourage you when it comes to this, he probably isn't the most supportive about other things in your relationship. Not a good sign...

CaddieMay

How long have you been engaged to him? Is the wedding date contingent upon you losing weight? Is he using your weight to NOT set a date?

If he met you and fell in love with you when you were heavier, then why the rush to have you take the weight off?

dhanisk

Congratulations on losing 70 pounds That is an accomplishment that you can be proud of. Well done!! Could that be your motivator for further weight loss instead of your fiance?

Not sure why you need his support in the first place! To me, it is a nice to have - not a requirement. Both weight gain and weight loss are strictly personal choices. I am sure most of us did not seek support from our partners while we added those pounds. Why depend on them when we want to lose them!

I think you have demonstrated that you can do it. Please define your goal and do your best to achieve those goals. Believe me, everyone notices your weight loss and so will your fiance. :-)

Best wishes.

retiree2006

Just focus on YOU!!!! He'll come around once you come around for yourself....no conversation about your weight anymore, just do YOU....no expectations from him....don't worry, stress over any non verbal or verbal converation...hit the activity, move the body, make the right choices for your body....keep silent, let your actions be YOUR truth and guide!!!! DO YOU!!!!

Couldn't have said it better. No more discussion since that doesn't work well. Decide you're worth a healthier life and go after it. Eventually he'll see you're going after it for yourself...after all, that's the only opinion that counts...yours! It sounds like you're ready to do this for the right reason so if he puts you down, ask him (nicely) to please just not comment anymore until he has something positive to say. Good luck and start now.

Kickinkim418

Stop looking to him to validate what you are doing and just get on and do it. You obviously can, because you weigh less than you did when you met him.

What are you waiting for? Him to say it's OK, you don't have to do it anymore? To say OK, he believes you now, and then it'll magically disappear without trying?


Just do it. He'll believe it then. Until you actually do it, it is all just empty promises, just words, not actions.

Once again ^^^^Ding Ding Ding....I've learned that you are never going to get validation until YOU start taking a proactive approach to things and doing things for yourself.

MercenaryNoetic26

So you've lost about 70lbs? That's a lot of weight! It doesn't come off over night and he should very well know that. I wouldn't even talk to him about the weight anymore. Just make it your own battle for yourself. If he's not going to be positive, tune him out. It's not easy, but very possible.

It's true that talk is cheap. I'm guilty of it, too. I openly admit it. I try really hard to practice what I preach!

lolagurlx0x0

Unless you're lying on your profile you've lost 68 lbs. That is a pretty big success- and it seems like he's an ... being a jerk for making you feel like it's not. The fact that you lost that much- and did not gain it all back in the last few years is Amazing. you could not have been letting yourself get too crazy out of control.

He met you when you were heavier- he knew you had a weight problem you have made some pretty significant progress- some people never lose the weight.

His behavior- the way he is holding the fact that you haven't lost more weight against you- is not healthy. At what point did you losing weight turn into a requirement for him to support you? Him behaving that way would make me not want to lose weight at all. Im the kind of person who is told what to do I want to do the opposite. I would be like I dont CARE if you believe in me. And then I would wake him up in the middle of the night sometimes eating a bucket of fried chicken, or a sheet cake.

Woomytron

Do it for yourself, stop worrying about what he thinks. He will see it in the end that you did it.

But I know where he is coming from, as I was standing where he was with my husband promising me things over and over again then not sticking to it. Its hard to believe someone when they keep throwing the promises at you. I just stopped listening to the promises and let him prove me wrong, which he did and I'm very glad he did. Just stick with it... you will prove him wrong and that will be a good thing.

Good luck!

oh_em_gee

But why does he flat out have to tell me that I'm going to fail and to not even try?

Idk why, that's a pretty crappy thing to do. He's your partner, he shouldn't be putting you down

concordancia

I think for people that have never struggled, there is also some element of thinking "if you can't follow through on this thing that primarily benefits you, what else are you going to drop in this juggling spectacle that is life?"

One key is to not expect others to talk about it constantly, like we tend to do when we are focused on something.

Set aside a time to talk to him about your goals and what you would like from him. Make sure it is a conversation that includes allowing him to express his frustrations and any necessary compromises. Let him know why it is important to you to try. Tell him what is different this time - do you have a new exercise plan? A new eating plan? A new stumbling plan?

With my partner, in addition to this talk, I had to spend a few weeks correcting him on my preferred wording: we don't talk about weight loss goals, we talk about health and fitness. A donut isn't detrimental to my weight loss, it is an iffy choice on my path to healthier eating, and I am responsible for my own choices. He isn't allowed to push me into working out, but he is welcome to suggest physical activity for us to do together. One time he even joined me in doing a workout when I was dragging my feet. Oh, and most importantly, I get the Wii whenever I want, as long as I am not a brat about it.

chubbygirl253

I agree you have to do it for yourself but I also understand wanting his support. Because it's taken you a while to get to this point he may not realize how far you've actually come. Forget the stumbles along the way our that he thinks thou should be done by now, and you would be if you'd succeeded the first time you tried. None of that helps your progress or your morale. Just take it one small goal at a time. You are 68 lbs down! Awesome job. Remind him how close you are from closing in on 100 lbs. Unless he is an emotionally abusive *kitten* there is no way he can possibly disagree with what an accomplishment that will be. I would make a thermometer chart and hang it in a prominent place you know he'll see it daily. Every time you get a pound closer to that 100th pound, color in the chart with a red sharpie.
And bring it! Dont give up. Tell him you are treating yourself to a mani/pedi or a trip to the salon or a 1 hour massage when you get there. Once you reach that 100 just set yourself a goal of losing 10% of your body weight until you reach healthy weight. So when you are 212 just focus on losing the next 21 pounds. When you get to 191 just aim for the next 19 lbs, etc. You can do it. You ARE doing it.
You have to ask yourself, What am I willing to do to be goal weight and physically fit? Am I willing to live at maintainance for the rest of my life to stay there? Am I willing to workout even when it's inconvenient or I am tired or have lots of excuses? Am I willing to give up things? Like skipping dessert or eating rich, fattening foods? If you are willing to do those things to stay at your goal weight then u have what it takes to get there.

NotBonJovi

Once you take control of your life, that will help you in this journey. Once I realized that no one was going to solve my weight problem but me, the pounds seemed to melt away. But the first thing I had to fix was my HEAD, not my stomach!


This was written by Jen, a MFP member who has lost 228 lbs as of today. Don't let what other's say affect you. Once you lose weight and more importantly get healthy, you realize that you are doing it for yourself and not for anyone else. Stay strong and stay on path. You have friends here to support you. Seek them. Good Luck!

VeeBethTris

The Definition of Failure is not Failing but Giving Up when you have Failed…

You are still trying and that is all that should matter to him and 68 pounds is a HUGE accomplishment. HUGE.

Believe in yourself...and never give up

LovelyLaura2321

Thanks for taking the time to encourage me and question me. I appreciate it.

You all right. It has to be about me, and it has to be for me. I am the only one that can do it for myself. Sometimes I think I lose sight of that, so thanks for reminding me.

It's not like he wants me to lose weight so he'll love me more. I think he's mostly bothered that I promised him I would do something and never did it. I get that. I just need to stop focusing on that, and I need to try and not let it bother me when voices his doubts in me. You all are right ... I just have to stop talking and finally show it. But it does have to be for me. And I do want it... I want it really badly.

Thanks again!

TeresaJTuck

I'm so sorry for you for not having an understanding Fiance'. He sounds a (sorry and forgive me for saying this) but, Laura, he's a JERK. One thing for sure.
For him to tell you to lose weight or I'll leave you. That's where he's so wrong to have said that in the first place. Men are like children sometimes. He's 5'6" and weighs 140, huh?????? Sounds to me that MAYBE he's too skinny.
Don't let him talk to you like you're NOTHING, because that's not right at all. No woman deserves to be talked by a man like that. No way.
I'm 5'0" and I weigh 217 or at least I did the last time I weighed myself.
The reason why I tell you this is, because I broke up with my Boyfriend, Brandon of 8 years, because he pressured me into things I was uncomfortable with and I didn't give into him. But the thing also is we had TERRIBLE Arguments about everything about 1-2 years before we broke up.
The one thing he Argued with me about is my weight. I felt fat and I have to lose weight, because there are Health Problems on my Mom's side of the family.
Brandon and I didn't see eye to eye as far as my weight was concerned and he too talked to me bad, not like your Fiance' did you. But Brandon did say some hurtful things, that made me not want to Exercise. I just lost Energy to even do so.
I would not put up with a man to talk to me in a bad way.
Laura, you need to take time to lose weight slowly. Make a Goal for yourself each Month, if that's what it takes.
Don't make Promises to anyone, but yourself. There's no need to feel nervous, because you "have to" to lose weight by a certain time, because someone told you to.
Laura, I don't want you to be mad at me, because of what I told you. I wouldn't say something to someone to upset them or make them mad at me. I'm just saying those things to help you.
I hope this helps you, Teresa.

Susie3501

I agree with olores. This is YOUR journey, not his. If he doesn't want to support you, that's his problem. My husband is like that. He didn't believe me and the small times that he's home, he always want unhealthy things. I usually drop off when he's home & try to get back on it when he's gone. It's not easy. Right now I don't have any motivation to walk or eat right, but I keep on logging my food and reading the support from my "friends" on MFP. I'm not giving up yet. I gained 7 lbs during Thanksgiving and Christmas & have not taken it off yet. HOWEVER, I will do it. You just keep trying!!!

HopefulLeigh

I've struggled with my weight all my life. I met my fiance 3 1/2 years ago when I weighed 312 pounds at 5'6. He is also 5'6 and weighs 140. Our relationship was good, and he's even the reason I was able to go from 312 to 270 in just a few months.

After the initial loss, I slacked and stopped trying as hard. I was happy, and I just started making excuses about my weight and losing it. "Just this one time I'll cheat or skip the gym".... which always turned into weeks at a time.

And then I would feel bad and gross enough to try to lose weight again. And I would fail. Maybe I'd lose 5 pounds, but then I'd go back to eating crap and being lazy.

And my fiance would get frustrated with me, and then I would get defensive and just make things worse.

We would end the argument with me promising I would lose the weight. (It wasn't like a "Laura, you better lose this weight or I'm leaving you" kind of thing. It was more like a "Laura, you said you were going to do this, and you need to do it to be healthy" kind of thing.

I promised him several times (stupid, I know) that I would do it this time. He eventually just stopped believing in me - which has leaked into most aspects of our relationship.

I haven't promised anything like this to him for over a year now, but it doesn't matter. It's just as if I just broke the promise again. I'm still struggling with my weight. It's really really really hard for me to stick with it. A few years later, I'm only at 244 if that tells you anything.

But the way I see it, I'm still going down. I'm slowly losing it, and I really truly feel like my breakthrough is here. I know that I'm changing, but he still doesn't believe me. He says he won't believe me until I actually do it. Fair enough.

But why does he flat out have to tell me that I'm going to fail and to not even try? I get that he doesn't trust me, and that I caused him to feel that way, but why does he discourage me on the days I feel the strongest and most confident about what I'm doing?

Of course I'm afraid I'm going to fail again, but I have to at least try.

Am I missing something here?

Okay, I'm going to start by saying congratulations on an incredible SIXTY EIGHT POUND LOSS. WOW! That's wonderful, fantastic, great! It's something to be proud of.

I'm going to segue into telling you that him flat out telling you that you're going to fail is a jerk move and is very likely not helping your fears of failing again. Call it a self fulfilling prophecy, if you will.

Middle filler about how if you're going to do this, it should be for you, not him. For you, not him. For YOURSELF. Because if it's for anyone else, it's probably not going to happen.

And, of course, end it with:

SIXTY EIGHT POUNDS LOST is an incredible accomplishment and more than proves that you're capable of it if you WANT to do it. For yourself.