Depression/eating disorders/ need some support

f0llowthewhiterabbit

Battling depression during weightless is never fun. I have realized that my eating disorder controls my life, even now that I have started eating right. When I started eating normally and experiencing it was April 2012 and I was 256lbs, right now I'm at about 180lbs (as of last week, my scale needs a new battery). The thought of being skinny controls my life, I never feel good enough, I always need approval, and I believe my self worth is based on my weight. I want this to go away already.. I want to be beautiful. I have this picture in my mind of who I wish I was, and I know deep down no matter how hard I try it wont happen. I keep pushing myself but I feel like I will never be skinny enough.

I run two miles every day, I eat about 1200 calories or day, sometimes a little more. I have 1 cheat day per week. I also am doing a 30 day squat challenge, and on days that I have energy, I do 30-60 minutes of either zumba, or hip hop cardio. I have a 15 month old son, so I don't have much energy at all but I try.

Right now, I see myself as huge, when I look in the mirror I focus on my cellulite on my thighs, that wont go away... and my stomach. I also have recently noticed how big my arms are, and I don't know how to tone them without going to the gym, because I can't afford that....

I'm trying so hard to not let depression ruin this for me, but it seems like a fight I'm going to lose.

lovejulez03

Aww I'm sorry you're going through the mental difficulties that comes with being healthier and losing weight. I can't say I'm in the exact same mindset but I am definitely battling depression and for the last 3-4 weeks I've been using it as excuse to not eat as well as I was. What I can say is, that although I'm not a professional (yet), I would suggest you try to go to some counseling. It doesn't make you weak or crazy, it just means that someone who doesn't have a personal tie to you may be able to help you through this and offer insights and suggestions.

More people feel this way then we know. Some wont admit it. But you're not alone. I had to look at the underlying issues of why I use food as a comfort and try to heal that. It's a work in progress. Bottom line, talk to someone professional because what you're describing could turn out bad in the long run, even after you lose all the weight. I'm not trying to be negative but I just want you to feel better and I know you want that too! The image of "never feeling good enough" is something that you don't deserve. You've made great progress just by looking at your pictures!!

Another thing that helps me from time to time is saying, "You don't like how you look how but remember when you were 29 lbs heavier and a size 24? Now your 20's are getting loose and you can actually pull 18's up over your butt! Do you REALLY want to go back to that?"

Just some thoughts. You got this!! HUGS