Dealing with an unsupportive husband

michelleokelly5

Hi all,
This is my first post on MFP. I am 25 years old, and a mother of a 2 year old little girl and a 1 year old little boy. My life has been crazy the past couple years, and I let myself go.. MAJORLY! I ended up weighing in at my heaviest weight ever. 240 lbs. I started logging on MFP about a month ago and I am down about 15 lbs. My goal is to lose 100 lbs total.

My husband is a larger person also. We are suppose to be traveling this journey together, but I feel like I am the only one who is making an effort. He is still eating terrible food at work, and only exercises when I beg him to go on a walk with me. I am at the gym 5 days a week, I eat clean, and I still manage to take care of my kids all day every day.

It is truly hurting me that my husband is not ready to make a life style change. I was hoping that as he got in to better shape, he would become more confident and that would help our marriage in certain ways.. (wink wink.. nudge nudge) Instead, I am left on this journey alone, and honestly at the end of the day, it would feel good to just hear him say that I am beautiful and that he is proud of me.

Sorry for my sob story. I just felt that maybe some of you could relate.

Jamcnair

Congrats on your 15 lb loss! That's great!

My husband eats terribly and doesn't work out either---I have told him a few times that I am a little worried about him or that maybe he could set a limit for himself on certain things, but until HE is ready---I really can't force him to do anything and I don't want to nag him about it and then he get self-conscious and feel like I don't find him attractive. Just keep doing what you're doing and asking him along on walks, etc and maybe one day he will figure it out for himself!

simpsona5

Congrats on the 15lb loss.

I've learnt that you can make them do it if they are not ready. For me the trigger was when my cloths didn't fit and the thought of going up another size was too much.

I also stuggled initially because my wife was not interested in loosing weight. However after been asked 1 too many times if she was pregnant (when she wasn't) she signed up to a weight loss program and we have both lost over 8kgs each in the first 12 weeks.

I know its hard on your own to do this but keep trting and hopefully one day he will join in. I guess if you only give him good food at home at least it is a step in the right direction.

Good luck

Rebekah718

My husband is the same way once very recently has he started waiting to do this journey he started watching the biggest loser with me and that seemed to motivate him, but like the others I tried to push him even nag him but in the end he has to be the one to do. It.

tanzz9

I agree that you can't make him do it. It is something he has to do when HE is ready - just as its a journey you embarked on because YOU were ready.

In the meantime i would imagine some of your new healthier habits will rub off on him - healthier meals (if you are the cook), healthier snacks available in the house, going on walks with you (when he does) etc.

Just keep doing what you are doing for you and hope that soon he will make that same decision for himself.

And well done on the weight loss so far

erin4455

Keep doing what you're doing and lead by example. None of us starts this journey until we're ready so although it's disappointing for you, keep in mind you started in your own time, too. The best thing you can do is work on yourself and make it a positive experience - he'll get on board sooner or later.

Ascolti_la_musica

My in-laws spent about 2 years bringing up our weight every time we saw them. They bought us a membership to the Dukan Diet (*shudder*) website, diet books, and oat bran. It was hurtful, and discouraging. Gain or lose, they were always telling us how "concerned" they were about our weight. I think it made them feel better about their own obesity, because we are the fattest members of the family. Losing weight was never really a choice for my husband. It felt to him like a demand, and he doesn't like demands.

Make it a choice. When my husband gets home, I have a healthy dinner waiting. If he chooses to eat crap afterward, that's his choice. I sit beside him and carefully go over my food an exercise journal- not saying anything, but clearly in his view. I have his workout video set up so that all he has to do is hit Play. I pack his lunch, and hope he won't buy garbage at the gas station on his way to work. I don't drive, so he takes me to the park three nights a week to use the track. Some days, he gets bored waiting in the truck, so he walks a little.

A lot of little things add up. Mostly, it will be your success that encourages him. It won't happen at first. Just be patient with him. Let him know that he is an adult, and you are not going to make his decisions for you, but that his bad choices aren't going to influence yours.

My husband is still not with me on this journey, but at least he tries here and there. In the end, it has to be HIS choice.

NotBonJovi

Keep doing what you're doing and lead by example. None of us starts this journey until we're ready so although it's disappointing for you, keep in mind you started in your own time, too. The best thing you can do is work on yourself and make it a positive experience - he'll get on board sooner or later.

^^^^ This. Excellent advice. Keep doing what you are doing and as he sees the progress he will join you. Be patient, but determined. We only have the power to change ourselves. Didn't someone famous say, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world" ?

elisa123gal

It is your journey ....not his.. You will fail if you think you must drag him along. Just be an example..don't preach or push him. Just walk the walk.. and he will come around.

livingbygrace

Congrats on your decision to improve your life. I also have a husband who doesn't exercise and eats crap food. I, like you, eat clean and sometimes it stinks to be the only one trying! When he is eating wings and drinking beer I think "wow, thanks, so glad you want to look good for me. Not to mention be heathy for our future!" The truth is though until they want to do it they will not change. I have to find my motivation in what I know us right for me. I know I feel better and look better living and eating healthy. I can not base my decision to be healthy on his lack of participation. I do it for me and my future. You need to do it for your kids and yourself. When your toddlers and you are running and playing maybe he will see what he is missing, maybe not... Either way you and those babies will have fun and you are ensuring they will have one parent to look up to as a healthy example! Your doing great! Keep up the good work!

michelleokelly5

Thank you for all of the supports! I guess my biggest issue with the whole situation is that he told me that he had a hard time being affectionate with me because of all of the weight that I had gained with both pregnancies and after.

Im just trying to be the best wife I can.. But it is a lonely road so far.

mmgray3

Girl I'm right there with you. My husband thinks eating half the menu at Taco Bell IS a diet. He also thinks he's in shape and doesn't need to exercise. There are days he is what makes this journey so hard.

But you aren't doing this for him, ITS FOR YOU!!! So you are healthier, happier with your self-image (which is already beautiful btw), and have more energy for those sweet babies. (I'm assuming at least, that's why I'm here.)

This is actually the second time I'm taking this journey. I lost 45 lbs. the first time around, only to let my husband crush me and stop me from taking care of myself. I was almost to my halfway point and I gained nearly all of it back because I was more concerned with my husband and what he was doing than myself.

I don't know the specific situation you are in, but I caution you not to follow in my footsteps. The thought that I'm losing the same weight I already worked so hard to lose once before is nauseating at times.

Hang in there! You are doing an amazing job! You will reach your goal with or without your husband's support. Just ignore him when he isn't supporting you. Either he will decide he wants to look as hot as his kids' hot mama or he won't. But you will have reached your goal, and you will reap the benefits of your hard work either way.

livingbygrace

That's hurtful and not loving! I'm sorry, all you can do is work on you and pray for him!

michelleokelly5

Thanks again everybody! It is so incredible how supportive it is here. I am glad that I posted. For the first time all day, I am out of my funk. You are all Rock stars!!

jynxxxed

My boyfriend and I began attempting to lose weight at the same time. He stopped about two months in and I've continued going. Don't let it bother you, he'll come around when he's ready. I don't tell him what he can/can't eat or bug him about going to the gym with me, I just ask if he wants to and let him do whatever he wants.

Just yesterday (for the first time since August) he went to the gym again and has been cooking a lot healthier and has decided to get back into it. Weight loss is a VERY personal thing.. sadly you can't force people to want to be healthier! Stick by his side like you have been and he'll come around eventually. Just keep working on yourself :flowerforyou:

triciab79

We can't make them diet with us. You might start packing his lunches for him if you would like to help. I make dinner and I serve dinner so I can control portions there. I buy his lunch stuff and make sure he packs something. Since I do all the groceries I don't buy stuff that is terrible for him. My hubby has lost 35lbs from these changes. Its slower than if he was working out but I calculate his calories for him and he tracks them so at least there is progress.

caspergirl7

Hi all,
This is my first post on MFP. I am 25 years old, and a mother of a 2 year old little girl and a 1 year old little boy. My life has been crazy the past couple years, and I let myself go.. MAJORLY! I ended up weighing in at my heaviest weight ever. 240 lbs. I started logging on MFP about a month ago and I am down about 15 lbs. My goal is to lose 100 lbs total.

My husband is a larger person also. We are suppose to be traveling this journey together, but I feel like I am the only one who is making an effort. He is still eating terrible food at work, and only exercises when I beg him to go on a walk with me. I am at the gym 5 days a week, I eat clean, and I still manage to take care of my kids all day every day.

It is truly hurting me that my husband is not ready to make a life style change. I was hoping that as he got in to better shape, he would become more confident and that would help our marriage in certain ways.. (wink wink.. nudge nudge) Instead, I am left on this journey alone, and honestly at the end of the day, it would feel good to just hear him say that I am beautiful and that he is proud of me.

Sorry for my sob story. I just felt that maybe some of you could relate.

I'm in the same boat. I say just keep going and maybe when he sees the changes in you he'll finally decide he wants it too. They have to WANT to do it for themself before they will really commit to going all the way. Hang in there & don't let it discourage your weight loss goals!! : )

caspergirl7

Thank you for all of the supports! I guess my biggest issue with the whole situation is that he told me that he had a hard time being affectionate with me because of all of the weight that I had gained with both pregnancies and after.

Im just trying to be the best wife I can.. But it is a lonely road so far.

wow not cool!! sorry to hear that. not sure why he would say that if he has issues with his weight too. : (

redtogo

I can relate to your struggle too. I have been on so many diets and failed that my husband feels like unless I ever get past 20 pounds lost he doesn't think I will be successful. He says he doesn't want me to feel bad if I don't succeed. Well I don't every get past the 20 and of course, I blame him because he didn't support me. I have come to finally realize that as I change, my husband and others notice. When I stopped waiting for my husband's encouragement and stopped trying to get him to do what I'm doing........ that's when I realized that God has got it ALL under control. I've lost only 13 pounds since I started MFP and Curves (about 3 weeks) but I haven't been obsessed with food and have been so much happier too!!!! My husband is not a mushy guy but he has been soooooo sweet and encouraging. I have to keep being reminded that God can do so much when I get outa the way. I am so glad I still love my husband!! LOL I hope this makes sense. I am rambling but I felt led to share.

redtogo

My ticker shows 8 pounds lost cuz I gained back a few. I think cuz I'm gainin' muscle. But I am staying on the journey!!

Onelasttime2bme

I just joined MVP the other week but I have been working on my weight for over 2 years. At first my husband was not crazy about the changes plus wanted to keep eating all his usual foods.
In time and after he saw the results I was having he became more interested in making changes for himself.
Weight loss is such an emotional journey, you have enough to do working on your own. He will have to be the one to work on his.
I buy healthy food for us but I also buy some junky food for my husband. He still does well, he's lost quite a bit of weight and has gotten healthier.
I guess I just wanted to say that even if you are not getting the support right now, it's very possible that later down the road you will.

beckimj

You need to not worry about him and focus on yourself. My husband loves me and sees more of my progress than I do, but he is not really on board himself. I am working on menu planning and I invite him to the Y with me daily. I don't need him, though. This is mine and for me.