parents of teenagers - i need you! (not weight related)

anawhatsme

i need some advice.
my 14 year old son is in his first relationship.
this is new to me and it's challenging sometimes.
i don't want him to move too fast and i also don't know how i feel about his girlfriend.
yet, i try to be supportive of the relationship - even though i tell him about my concerns.

anyway, i just discovered some pictures on facebook of the 2 of them kissing.
it makes me uncomfortable.
is he too young for this kind of thing?
and what's up with taking/posting kissing pics anyway?
i know it's popular to do, but why?
and why my son?
i'm not ok with this.

but what do i do?
just let it be?
am i over reacting?

also...i don't really feel totally comfortable about the girl he's with.
i think she is too advanced for him and i've read messages she sent him with really heavy topics.
i don't want him in this relationship.
but i'm scared that he will rebel if i am too strict and protective.
at the same time i don't like this and i don't think it's positive for him.

ugh...
i am so unsure.
can anyone help?

lbmore33

14 way too young...my daughter is 16 ( i dont let her even date yet)...i would adress the issue....esp them kissing and then posting it on fb....hell these kids now know so much more than we even imagine. I would seriously have a chat with (hell) the both of them...imagine...hell her parents may not even know none of this....i say have that talk

haley255

disclaimer: I'm not a parent of a teenager but I'm close enough to my teenage years to offer advice from the other side

-kissing pictures are normal. I hate them too and didn't post them often.. but they're totally normal.
-don't tell him you don't like his gf. It'll probably just irritate him and if she's really not right for him he'll see and let her go on his own
-you can't prevent anything from happening between them. You're much better off telling him to use protection than to not have sex.
-as long as it's not dangerous... there are going to be bad influences, and he'll be fine!

again, I'm not a parent... but this is how my parents were. I know they couldn't have always been thrilled with the guys I brought home (college guys when I was in high school?! I would have flipped if I were them) but they were ALWAYS supportive. And that's the most important thing.

jennifer_417

I would say trust your gut.

anawhatsme

your message is so bang on.
and believe me - i want to have that talk!
but..
i'm scared that if i am too strict then maybe he will just be more careful in the future for me not to see things like this?
ya know?
or what if he rebels against me?
it scares me.
i want to do the right thing here.

haley255

i'm scared that if i am too strict then maybe he will just be more careful in the future for me not to see things like this?
ya know?

Spot on with that one.

lbmore33

your message is so bang on.
and believe me - i want to have that talk!
but..
i'm scared that if i am too strict then maybe he will just be more careful in the future for me not to see things like this?
ya know?
or what if he rebels against me?
it scares me.
i want to do the right thing here.

you worrying abt him rebeling @ 14....hmmm know matter what you say he isnt gonna like it ((hell I didnt like it)) but im sure you are teaching him correctly...he will understand....wont like it...but like I said he is 14

kmm7309

You are the parent and you are in control. If you are uncomfortable, you need to put your foot down. I have a 14 year old, and he thinks he's grown. It's a constant challenge to keep him in check. At the end of the day, he does not have the right to have a girlfriend without your permission. You can help remove the temptation-- kids can't "live" without their cellphones. That's probably how he's taking pictures anyway. My niece is not allowed to have her cellphone until Saturday morning at 10am and she turns it back in to mom at 9pm Sunday evening. Things like this can help you maintain control of his behavior.

And the pics have got to come down. That isn't appropriate. I'm a grown woman who has been married for years and I don't have pictures of my husband and I kissing on facebook. You never know what will follow you around for life.

LindseyAlyssa

As someone who is technically still in her teen years, I say talk to him. You've been a guide in his life up until this point, and while he's growing up and developing his own views and making his own choices, you are still a major figure in his life. He might not agree and might still go about with what he's doing, but are you okay with not saying anything and wishing you had? It's better to get into a verbal scuffle than be silent when you feel something's not savvy. He'll get over it and you'll feel better about speaking up.

upgetupgetup

Ok, not a parent of a teenager, but I was one a long time ago.

i need some advice.
my 14 year old son is in his first relationship.
this is new to me and it's challenging sometimes.

Fair enough, it's your kid! Takes adjusting.

i don't want him to move too fast and i also don't know how i feel about his girlfriend.
yet, i try to be supportive of the relationship - even though i tell him about my concerns.

That's good, communication's good, support is good.

anyway, i just discovered some pictures on facebook of the 2 of them kissing.
it makes me uncomfortable.

I can imagine that.

is he too young for this kind of thing?

Kissing at 14? I don't think so. That would definitely have been in line with the norm in my middle class highschool, a million years ago.

and what's up with taking/posting kissing pics anyway?
i know it's popular to do, but why?

Kids these days have never known a world without the internet. It's part of their natural language. They think it's cool.

and why my son?

He's probably not the only one.

i'm not ok with this.
but what do i do?
just let it be?

Yes. What else are you going to do? You can't watch him every second of the day. They could be kissing at the lunch hour. Stay open, keep his trust. If you can manage, talk to him about responsible sex. Not that that will happen now or even soon, but he's at the age where it's just naturally going to be on his mind. Also talk to him about relationship stuff. How to handle feelings. How to communicate respectfully.

am i over reacting?

Well, a bit, but it's kind of understandable.

also...i don't really feel totally comfortable about the girl he's with.
i think she is too advanced for him and i've read messages she sent him with really heavy topics.
i don't want him in this relationship.

It's not really up to you. Even though he's a kid, he's his own person. There is really nothing you can do about the nature of their communication. You are limited to teaching him about how to be respectful to himself, the girl, their health. You've already given him a good sense of your values. Keep doing that in other areas of life.

but i'm scared that he will rebel if i am too strict and protective.
at the same time i don't like this and i don't think it's positive for him.

If he's like 99% of teens on the planet, he probably will rebel in the face of a heavy response. And anyway, he can still kiss the girl at lunchtime, whether you like it or not. Or at a friend's house, or after school. The only way to stop this is to keep him housebound. Which teaches him about suspicion and mistrust, and how to be furious with you. Better to accept it. He's growing up. That's a good thing! You're doing your job.

Sorry, this obviously isn't easy.

elle_321

I have two teenagers. My daughter was 14 when she had her first bf. I was very nervous about it. I talked to her about how it can make the girl look trashy kissing and cuddling in public. Instead of saying no you can't do that I just tried to get her to be sensible about it and to have respect for her self and to not lower herself for any boy. Maybe you could explain to your son about respecting the girl by not putting the photos on fb because it can give her a bad reputation. The most important thing is do not let your son know how you feel about the gf. He is not likely to marry her. It is not for ever. He will only hate you for it and rebel. sometimes we have to turn a blind eye whether we like it or not. Telling them they can't do something usually makes them do it even more.

jenilla1

Just so you know, dating = eventual sexual activity, probably sooner than later these days. The older (and more mature) they are when they start dating the better. I'm not a fan of young teens dating at all. Too much pressure to have sex. Most haven't developed the self-control and self-respect they need to make good choices and handle the chaotic emotions of a serious relationship. I'm a high school teacher and believe it or not, most kids your son's age are not dating yet. Most of them are still in that awkward stage with the opposite sex. There's a lot of flirting going on, though! Since it's probably too late to go back on the whole dating thing now, just make sure your son is protected. Good luck! :flowerforyou:

haley255

I have two teenagers. My daughter was 14 when she had her first bf. I was very nervous about it. I talked to her about how it can make the girl look trashy kissing and cuddling in public. Instead of saying no you can't do that I just tried to get her to be sensible about it and to have respect for her self and to not lower herself for any boy. Maybe you could explain to your son about respecting the girl by not putting the photos on fb because it can give her a bad reputation. The most important thing is do not let your son know how you feel about the gf. He is not likely to marry her. It is not for ever. He will only hate you for it and rebel. sometimes we have to turn a blind eye whether we like it or not. Telling them they can't do something usually makes them do it even more.

All of this is so true.

Felecia1923

I have been with the same guy since I was 13. I am not a mother of a teenager, my daughter is 3. But from personal experience if you tell them you don't want them to be together it will push them closer together. I am very afraid of my daughter being that age and doing the wrong thing because I want to protect her. That's not to say that you shouldn't keep an eye out. But if something were to happen you would want them to talk to you and they wont if they feel they don't have your support. Talk to him and see where the relationship is going. Just tread lightly.

anawhatsme

thanks to all of you.
you have all given such great input.

it's so much easier when they are little.
the teen years stress me out!

about the girl...
i read a message she sent him when they first started talking.
she told him that she cuts herself.
i don't know if it's true or if she said it for shock value.
but that message always sits with me
i don't want him to know i read it, but i have told him that based on things he told me, i'm unsure of what to think of her.
he knows i'm concerned and leary, he just doesn't fully know why.

and...
i know forbidding the relationship wouldn't go over well.
and there is a good chance that they will still communicate regardless.
i hate the idea of him sneaking and hiding things from me.
right now he is quite open with me - for the most part.
i value that.
i need that!

i will just have to have a serious talk with him and hope that he hears me.
really hears me.

shred_me_up

if you are too strict, he'll do the same and more...but behind your back. if you are open with him and just talk to him like an adult, he will trust you more and that way you won't have to worry: he'll tell you whats up and listen more carefully. But by all means don't force him not to be with her because its not like you can stalk his every move. also remember that we learn from experience and mistakes, so if you warn him and he gets hurt? well, he will grow from this.

good luck

riley76051

I tell you now, i'm not a parent! So feel free to disregard my opinion. I am, however, a teenager (19), and my little brother just turned 15.

I think as long as you are open and honest with him, and understanding about his position and feelings, things will be fine. I had my first real boyfriend when I was 14, and my mother was okay it, and I never felt the need to lie to her because of that. I feel that telling him not to see her or something along those lines will just cause him to have to be sneaky about things.

My younger brother has a girlfriend right now, and my parents are both fine with it, and they like her.

Perhaps try to ask him to avoid PDA (especially on Facebook) because he might not want to see those things later, nor do his family members on facebook. If it makes you uncomfortable and worried, it's okay, you're a mom. Teens like to take kissing pictures because they think it's the cute, "couple" thing to do.

Perhaps she's just a sad teenager in need of a friend, and your son is being a good friend to her. I suggest you ask to meet her more officially, and make sure she's not a danger to herself (Self harm can lead to much worse, and if you know it's going on, I urge you not to ignore it. It may seem like shock value sometimes, but she could also need some help.)

He's at the age of trying to figure out things with girls. He's got a good mom who gave him a good head on his shoulders, and that's what counts. You can't be with him at all hours, nor make his gut decisons for him. I think it's best that you just continue to guide him and offer him solace if he needs it, and to trust him to make good decisions.

Good luck with everything

jenilla1

...i will just have to have a serious talk with him and hope that he hears me.
really hears me.

Go, Mom! I think you're on the right track. If you're respectful, honest and loving during this talk, he will be more likely to take your words to heart. He'll want to keep your respect and he'll feel more comfortable coming to you in the future.

MizSaz

Think about when you were a teenager... Start there lol!

If your concern is with this girl cutting herself, reach out to her parents in a civil, helpful, way, Try not to come across as a "rat". but as someone who has a vested interest in their child. I'm assuming you've raised a good, caring son, who sees a person in need. Warning, she might hate you for this, but oh well. 30 year old me has sent out thank you notes to parents of my friends (15 years ago- we're still close!) for being the rock I needed. My parents were awesome, but I was somehow a better liar and conniver,

glennstoudt

My suggestion is to not overthink it. I know it's tougher for Moms usually they are in charge of worrying, among other things. Things not to do would be to tell him to do anything. Even suggestions need to be parsed carefully. If he crosses the line in your view, you are probably right about it. So lay out some rules parsed as suggestions as some others have offered. We raised 4 sons, nothing bad happened, none of the girls they brought home looked like they came from the bar in Star Wars and it all finished happily ever after as those years flew by. Plenty of shouting matches of course over this or that, but keep the relationship open and resilient and it will work out. Enjoy this time, accept it as "different" and good luck of course.

jenilla1

...30 year old me has sent out thank you notes to parents of my friends (15 years ago- we're still close!) for being the rock I needed...

That's adorable! What an awesome person you are!