Stuck between a rock and a hard place

kyrabeth1986

I wonder if anyone can help, i can't put this on facebook where too many family members can see it or just aquaintances that will laugh.

I've had a gym membership since 19th January but never been. I have bipolar and I've recently come off my antidepressants due to wanting a baby later in the year and cannot bring myself to leave the house for anything other than work.
I have no friends i can talk to or go to the gym with, i have no peer support at all as im always a low person and need a lot of support and advice which pushes people away. Originally my OH said he would come to the gym with me but because i was ill for a month with pneumonia he now has a routiene of going with friends. Every time i mention this too him he says im doing it to keep him away from having a life without me.

Im stuck at 15stone, a size 16/18 and getting married in July. At this moment in time i hate myself and feel so lonely.

quirkytizzy

I, too, suffer from anxiety when I leave the house. It's left me quite homebound over the last few years. Since being on medication isn't a good idea for you right now, you can check out Youtube for free, at home workouts. That's what I do.

It's unfair for your SO to say that you are holding him back. My BF occasionally expresses a similar sentiment (that he feels trapped in the house) and I always remind him that just because I am home doesn't mean he has to be home. Finding other things to do with him has helped this. A lot of times they just want to feel included.

kyrabeth1986

My OH goes out a lot compared to me, to the gym with friends, nights out, pub with mates, to a garage to work on his car. So when he is home he has no interest in doing anything. There are so many films i've wanted to see or would just love to go out and do something but don't want to do it alone. He says i don't make the effort with his friends, but i really struggle socially and as i've had a very different life to them i feel i cannot talk to them about anything. All i ever seem to see is other people on facebook out with friends having a drink or shopping etc and if i look through my feed for the last 3 years unless i did something with my OH i've always been at home. I have exercise DVDs that i do at home but i'd like to do group exercise but the anxiety is too much to get myself through the door at the gym.

I just need some friends but don't know where to start. My workplace isn't the type of place you can make friends and i've been told by my boss that as my 'depression' brings others down i should keep myself to myself.

I don't know what the answer is.

marykpfist

Are you and you SO doing any per marriage classes? ( like through the city or church?)
It might be a way to get out together and focus on something positive and happy.

My DH and I took one and enjoyed the time together so much, we ok another. We've been married12 years now...so it's been a while!

kyrabeth1986

We are getting married in a registry office so not heard of any classes. I would be VERY surprised if he would be interested in doing anything like that anyway.

Ideally i'd like to find a way of getting out the house without needing him. But, on the other hand when im not with him i dont enjoy myself even when i did have friends.

Just feel in a very confused, anxious and lonely place. I dont even know what the answer to my problem is myself.

Kimberly3013

Maybe you need to sit down with him and make up some kind of schedule. You can let him know that you understand he needs time with his friends but he also needs time with you. Pick however many days of the week that you would like for him to go to the gym with you and both of you stick to it. Maybe on those days when you go to the gym you can also go see a movie together afterward or do something else to make it your date night.

From experience from a failed first marriage: I never asked my first husband about date nights or when we would spend time together. I also thought (I was young) that in a marriage that was a given. NOT! He ended up being a recluse and didn't want me to go anywhere either including working (I was a stay at home mom). I tried many times to get him to go out and do things...anything. We ended up getting divorced because of it. I am currently married to a man who goes out and does things with me. He also has his time to do and go where he wants but we always make sure there is time for us. We have 7 kids at home so believe me when I say it gets harder when there are kids involved. So fix it now rather than later. This is best for you and your well being, you need someone who will support you and be there for you. I agree with the post above that recommended talking to someone like a pre-marriage counselor.

Good luck and best wishes!

kyrabeth1986

We do things together, like watch films/tv. But we rarely go out and if i ask for more time he says im controlling him and taking him away from his friends because im jealous i dont have any of my own.

I want some girl time, to connect with friends and do things without him so i appreciate the time with him more. There are things i can't talk to him about and then i have no one to discuss them with. The last time i had an evening or time with a friend without him was November 2011 and that is seriously no exaggeration.

RachyLovesRattys

Hello there! I just have to say that I feel your boyfriend is treating you unfairly. If he refuses to spend time with a beautiful lady that loves him, and then tries to make you feel guilty for wanting to be with him--i'd say those are some huge red flags. I've been in a few VERY long-term relationships- and two of them ended strictly because of what you are mentioning. I would prefer to stay home and relax with a movie, maybe catch dinner once a week, and I RARELY wish to hang out in the bar scene. Those two relationships both told me- "I want to go out with my friends. You don't give me any man time. I need freedom/space" Of course, as a considerate woman, I felt guilty and miserable and hardly ever asked them to be with me. I let them go out with their friends and do whatever, as long as he was honest about where they were going. In reality, they were either cheating or doing something other than what they were telling me (doing drugs, going out places I showed them without me..) and I finally decided to stand up for myself and not allow anyone to make me feel that way.

I was only broken up with my most recent ex (which wasn't 'recent' at all THANK GOD) for about 3/4 months before I found my current boyfriend (3.5 years and going strong) who has all the same ideals/morals, etc. that I do. Around this time I also developed debilitating anxiety as a side effect of a medication I was on (that Dr's couldn't pinpoint the cause of). He helped me the whole time- whenever I was searching for medications or crying because another test was inconclusive. It was months and months of sheer craziness and a good 2 years before I was back to "normal" (It's always been easier to trigger my anxiety now since then, and I still get the occasional spell of anxiety nausea)

We're still very different people, and he's still a guy who likes time with other guys, but he takes me along, and he values my company more than anyone else's. He often says, "Sometimes I can't stand hearing anyone talk but you. Everyone else is annoying." We've had our minor bumps in the road (our ideals don't quite match with his very close-minded family) but they are ones that make our relationship stronger.

If a man makes you feel anything but special and loved on a regular basis- you don't need him. I can't imagine how your poor emotional state has dealt with this all this time. In my LTR's that had emotional abuse/infidelity, I was a complete mess from the inside out. I would absolutely not have the desire to go out and hit the gym either.

I don't want to make you hate your relationship or anything, but I feel you are a beautiful, intelligent woman who needs to focus on herself right now. You don't need anyone bringing you down- life is hard enough already. You need to find who YOU are, what makes YOU smile, and the people that will support those things will fall into your life once you make it clear to yourself that you are not going to accept any less. Especially with children coming into the picture, you don't want a man who makes parenting feel like a chore. You should find somebody who will support you/the family/your child, and most certainly not put his "party-time with friends" before all of that.

Sometimes it pays to be a harda$$ b!tch. Take no prisoners! You are valuable, unique, and worth a lot more than you or your SO is giving credit for. You deserve not only better, but the BEST- nothing less.

(P.S. I also practice yoga every day and I feel like these classes are a great warm-up to the gym scene. Everyone feels a little awkward and no one is perfect, but the focus is on relaxing and thanking your body for what it can do. I also feel it has helped me connect to my emotions much better and help me handle my anxiety without medication (the meds make me feel a million times worse!! No Xanax for me thanks!)

kyrabeth1986

Hello there! I just have to say that I feel your boyfriend is treating you unfairly. If he refuses to spend time with a beautiful lady that loves him, and then tries to make you feel guilty for wanting to be with him--i'd say those are some huge red flags. I've been in a few VERY long-term relationships- and two of them ended strictly because of what you are mentioning. I would prefer to stay home and relax with a movie, maybe catch dinner once a week, and I RARELY wish to hang out in the bar scene. Those two relationships both told me- "I want to go out with my friends. You don't give me any man time. I need freedom/space" Of course, as a considerate woman, I felt guilty and miserable and hardly ever asked them to be with me. I let them go out with their friends and do whatever, as long as he was honest about where they were going. In reality, they were either cheating or doing something other than what they were telling me (doing drugs, going out places I showed them without me..) and I finally decided to stand up for myself and not allow anyone to make me feel that way.

I was only broken up with my most recent ex (which wasn't 'recent' at all THANK GOD) for about 3/4 months before I found my current boyfriend (3.5 years and going strong) who has all the same ideals/morals, etc. that I do. Around this time I also developed debilitating anxiety as a side effect of a medication I was on (that Dr's couldn't pinpoint the cause of). He helped me the whole time- whenever I was searching for medications or crying because another test was inconclusive. It was months and months of sheer craziness and a good 2 years before I was back to "normal" (It's always been easier to trigger my anxiety now since then, and I still get the occasional spell of anxiety nausea)

We're still very different people, and he's still a guy who likes time with other guys, but he takes me along, and he values my company more than anyone else's. He often says, "Sometimes I can't stand hearing anyone talk but you. Everyone else is annoying." We've had our minor bumps in the road (our ideals don't quite match with his very close-minded family) but they are ones that make our relationship stronger.

If a man makes you feel anything but special and loved on a regular basis- you don't need him. I can't imagine how your poor emotional state has dealt with this all this time. In my LTR's that had emotional abuse/infidelity, I was a complete mess from the inside out. I would absolutely not have the desire to go out and hit the gym either.

I don't want to make you hate your relationship or anything, but I feel you are a beautiful, intelligent woman who needs to focus on herself right now. You don't need anyone bringing you down- life is hard enough already. You need to find who YOU are, what makes YOU smile, and the people that will support those things will fall into your life once you make it clear to yourself that you are not going to accept any less. Especially with children coming into the picture, you don't want a man who makes parenting feel like a chore. You should find somebody who will support you/the family/your child, and most certainly not put his "party-time with friends" before all of that.

Sometimes it pays to be a harda$$ b!tch. Take no prisoners! You are valuable, unique, and worth a lot more than you or your SO is giving credit for. You deserve not only better, but the BEST- nothing less.

(P.S. I also practice yoga every day and I feel like these classes are a great warm-up to the gym scene. Everyone feels a little awkward and no one is perfect, but the focus is on relaxing and thanking your body for what it can do. I also feel it has helped me connect to my emotions much better and help me handle my anxiety without medication (the meds make me feel a million times worse!! No Xanax for me thanks!)

Thank you for your post. If i am honest i have thought similar things to what you have said a fair few times however without any friends around me and a very unsupportive family i would literally have no where to go and no one to help me though it. My OH has been a friend for over 6 years but we have only been together 3. I do love him but he is very selfish at times and leaves 90% of the housework or general finances to me. I have responsibility for looking after our dog, so i never get chance to stay late at work and do all the extras i should be doing. As im typing this i can see the major cracks in our relationship but i cannot face another broken relationship, another house move, another period of time alone. Im 26, have PCOS ... should i be risking leaving someone else and hoping i find someone better.

Kimberly3013

I think if I were you I would get back on the meds, and find happiness for yourself before making arrangements to be married and definitely before bringing a child into the world. If you are getting married or staying with this man out of fear of being alone the relationship will never work. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. I learned that the hard way and the expensive way. I had two kids with my ex husband, thinking that having a child with him would change him. It doesn't work that way. You have to remember (especially if you end up having a boy) that your child learns from you or him about what relationships are about. Do you want a son to grow up and treat another woman the way you are being treated? Or do you want your little girl to grow up and feel she is stuck in a relationship because she is scared to get away and stays unhappy?

Many of us on here have put ourselves last and that is how we got to be overweight. I think for the most part we have all learned that the number one rule is you have to put yourself first and love yourself in order to be healthy and happy in all other aspects of your life. Believe in yourself and remember you are never alone. We are hear for you and once you are back on your meds maybe you can make it to the gym and meet some girlfriends there that can encourage you. Find a support group through a doctor. I never had anyone to talk to either growing up and it is hard. I think right now your health is most important. Even if you decide to stay with this man, if he truly loves you he will understand and stick by you if you tell him you would like to hold off on the wedding and family right now.

Kimberly3013

FYI: I was engaged to my current husband for 7 years before we got married. We have been together for 12 years now and our relationship is very strong.

RachyLovesRattys

Hey there again! I do completely understand your perspective. I'm almost 22, working my way through university, and also suffer from PCOS (late in life my mom also had uterine cysts that she needed to have burned off twice *sigh* only us women I swear).

I also am the person who always stays in relationships because I'm thinking with my heart and not my head (and having experienced being "alone" and losing friends- I completely understand why you'd want to avoid that.) I'm usually not a fan of medication- but if you feel that it's right for you- you should definitely get back on.

But, I would like to say, I don't know if you've ever considered birth control for your PCOS but it's an amazing tool and I feel like it's helped me both physically and emotionally. Because of our hormones, instead of gaining weight (with me at least), we sort of fill out more properly (I wouldn't say I had a manly body, but things weren't quite womanly shaped for a long time I felt) and it completely leveled out my emotions. Ironically, about 6 months after starting my BCP is when I woke up to my previous crappy relationship and starting considering myself worth something. I don't know if it was the fact my hormones were so haywire and I kept thinking like a guy on steroids (both with sex, anger, and sadness---not a good combo) but it really changed my life. I was suicidal for most of my adolescence because of things happening in my life- did a lot of partying to numb it- and hung out with bad people. Within about a year of taking BC, I couldn''t even imagine the way I used to think or the things I used to do to my body. I realized how lucky I should be for even HAVING a body at all, healthy and doing my bidding. I never wanted to disrespect myself that way again. In addition to being emotionally better, my skin cleared up, I got less body/facial hair (though i'm italian--so I'll always be waxing and tweezing away), and I just generally felt better. It's not for everyone, and it's not a quick fix, but if you think that a hormonal imbalance might be the trigger of your feelings- it's something I'd talk to your DR about. I take Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo

I3ernadette

Hey! I know there's a whole lot of suckiness happening right now for you, but I have to ask: have you tried a psychiatrist? The hormone imbalances that come with PCOS can really screw your body over, but the anxiety attacks you mentioned and the... I hate to say clinginess, but you talked about not having as much fun without a particular person there? so. dependency, maybe. I know that focusing on one person (or thing) can be a side-effect of a social anxiety disorder, or even just general anxiety disorder. I suffer from something along those lines and it took until now to be diagnosed (I'm 27) because the symptoms were masked by a misdiagnosis of depression. Once I started treatment for anxiety - which can be anything from a pill or two a day to counselling - it became a lot easier to get up, out of bed, leave the house, actually talk to the people I never realized were trying to talk to me... It also makes exercising easier, just because... It's like when people talk about being comfortable in their own body, except I'm more comfortable in my own head. And exercise and weight loss are two of the best ways to combat the physical repercussions of PCOS (I have to admit, that's coming exclusively from second-hand knowlege via online research), which can then be further and more easily treated once your hormone levels have stabilized at a healthier weight.

If I'm wrong entirely, I apologize. If I'm right, and you think you might suffer from some sort of anxiety issue, feel free to message me about coping/adjustment.

Lt_Starbuck

Change your life.

NYCNika

You have no idea how difficult and how much work having a baby is.

I have a wonderful and extremely supportive husband, who took 2 months off work and did everything except breastfeed, and I was still so exhausted from lack of sleep in the first 6 month(we both were) I have hardly any memory of that time. I was delirious with lack of sleep and sliding into depression at times (and I had no history or any issues prior). I can't even imagine what it would have been like if I did not have all the support and all the help.

From what you are describing of your relationship and your life, having a baby before these things are fixed, and with emotionally immature partner seems like a recipe for disaster and depression and it would not be fair to the baby.

Lt_Starbuck

From what you are describing of your relationship and your life, having a baby before these things are fixed, and with emotionally immature partner seems like a recipe for disaster and depression and it would not be fair to the baby.

MarciRenee74

I think if I were you I would get back on the meds, and find happiness for yourself before making arrangements to be married and definitely before bringing a child into the world. If you are getting married or staying with this man out of fear of being alone the relationship will never work. You have to love yourself before you can love someone else. I learned that the hard way and the expensive way. I had two kids with my ex husband, thinking that having a child with him would change him. It doesn't work that way. You have to remember (especially if you end up having a boy) that your child learns from you or him about what relationships are about. Do you want a son to grow up and treat another woman the way you are being treated? Or do you want your little girl to grow up and feel she is stuck in a relationship because she is scared to get away and stays unhappy?

Many of us on here have put ourselves last and that is how we got to be overweight. I think for the most part we have all learned that the number one rule is you have to put yourself first and love yourself in order to be healthy and happy in all other aspects of your life. Believe in yourself and remember you are never alone. We are hear for you and once you are back on your meds maybe you can make it to the gym and meet some girlfriends there that can encourage you. Find a support group through a doctor. I never had anyone to talk to either growing up and it is hard. I think right now your health is most important. Even if you decide to stay with this man, if he truly loves you he will understand and stick by you if you tell him you would like to hold off on the wedding and family right now.

^^^ THIS.

You really should go back on meds and work to get yourself right and happy before even considering bringing a child into your life. And you need to sort out what you want, what you need, and what you're willing to put up with (LONG TERM) from your SO. He sounds like he is manipulating controlling man. He isn't supporting you, isn't helping you, and isn't caring for you NOW - before marriage. If you don't even think he'd be willing to go to a pre-marriage class or counseling then you know that he's not interested in working on your relationship.

And if you think you're left with a lot right now - dealing with the finances and housework - how much worse do you think that's gonna be after you have a child? Your SO isn't suddenly going to be all helpful and supportive. It will be more of what you've got right now WITH a child on top of it to take care of.

Be sure the man you've got is the man you want b/c you WILL NOT EVER CHANGE HIM. PERIOD.