Seeking advice on how to 'let go of the past'

New_Soul

Hello, everyone,
I am not sure if this will actually work, but I'll try anyway - I have been struggling with this issue probably ever since I was about 10 years old.
I'll start from the beginning - I am the oldest one of three girls and I have two loving parents who have ensured that I have everything I could possibly need, have been spending time with me and have been telling me that they love me.
Only - my dad is an extremely enthusiastic sportsman (and I actually still think that secretly he is a bit disappointed that none of us was a boy, even though he'd never ever admit it).
Well, when I turned 10, I became one of those "nature nerd" kids and spent most of my days reading encyclopedias and Gerald Durrell stories... and I became sort of chubby.
My parents naturally did not want me to be unhealthy, so they started making a lot of comments about that, such as "YOU are the one who least needs to eat this" (as opposed to my young thin sisters who can eat "whatever-this-is") and "you shouldn't eat this late" and my Dad actually kept on commenting on my figure quite a lot with "Oh, hide that fat belly - no-one wants to see that." (I was sun bathing in our garden and was putting sunscreen on my tummy.) and "Right, and Betty's gained 4 pounds in one day." when some movie-character proclaimed to have gained 2 pounds in 2 days. Because I continued being "overweight" I have developed a habit of eating semi-secretly - I'd prepare a snack and take it to my room upstairs, which resulted in even more "funny" comments. Then, when I was about 16, my Dad would still tell me when something didn't look good on me ("This skirt makes your legs look short and sturdy." "You do not look good wearing a shirt that runs a bit short (that was the fashion then) if you have a bit of belly fat, because only people with totally flat belly can wear those." and, my personal favourite, when he was driving me to a graduation ball - it was only the two of us in the car and he used the time with me alone to tell me "You know, I'd like to tell you that you've gained some weight in the past year and you should do something about it because it really doesn't look good." (.... have fun at the party, honey!) I mean, he is just really straight-forward and a bit of a tactless person, when it comes to these issues. But, since my youngest sister has always (always!) been thin, I have witnessed him complimenting her on many occasions: "Wow, you really look great in that new dress/top/jeans." " Oh my gosh, you look just like a model, really." etc. I can not remember him saying anything like that to me when I was younger.

So naturally, I have been growing up, thinking that I was fat (and ugly) and I have always thought of myself as "overweight".

The worst thing is, looking at the pictures, I never was really that fat - I was chubby as a kid, sure, but from about 15 on I was actually really slim - judging from the pictures I actually did look good and sure, my tummy was not totally flat, because I wouldn't exercise regularly, but I was definitely not even overweight. I did gain some 30 pounds by the age of 18 (that was before I was graduating from high school - due to preparing for the exams: with lots of chocolate ) - that was my heaviest weight ever.

Now, 6 years since I graduated from high school and it still haunts me.
I know I have told my Mum about what my Dad told me while driving me to the graduation ball - and I know she had a talk with him about that. He since then told me that he "knows now that he shouldn't have made those comments" and I do notice sometimes when I wear something new he'd tell me "Oh, you look good in that." but I actually think he just tells me that to make up for his behaviour when I was a kid.

I know both my parents do love me and they never meant to harm me, but I still haven't been able to emotionally "let go" of these memories and really process them, move on and forget about it. The notion of me being "useless-because-fat" keeps popping up whenever I am unsuccessful.
I have never really told my Dad how much of his comments I actually remember and how they stick around with me whatever I do and I do not know if and how to go about it - I actually believe he forgot about the issue already.

Does any of you have perhaps a similar experience? Was any of you able to let go of their parents' comments about their weight? What helped you?

I'd really like to get this one sorted out.

DoriGaga

I have had to learn to let go of a lot of things in my past, and here are some ways that helped me:

I think the most important thing to remember is that your father is only human, and so he makes mistakes. Every time he said a comment, even if he thought he was doing you a favour, it was a mistake. Accept that he was wrong, and forgive him for it. Sometimes it helps to write it all down, like in a letter (but don't sent it!), put it all out there, every comment, how it made you feel, how it affected your life then, how it affects you now, everything, go on as long as you have to until suddenly you have that "a-ha" moment of insight. Sometimes we don't realize we already have the tools to deal with our issues, but we don't take enough time for self-reflection, to really identify what those issues are and why they are hurting us. And your father seems to be trying to make it up to you now, write that down too, make it real. In the end, we are more than just a sum of the mistakes we make, how we try to fix them or make them up is a true reflection of our character. Once you have that sorted out, you can also forgive him in person, if you feel you need to. It not necessary though, because forgiveness comes from inside us, but if you feel it would help him too, do it.

The next important thing to remember is we are not what other people think we are. Every thought, every opinion you have is a reflection of you, not of the person or thing you are thinking of. Everything you say (good or bad), is about you, not about the other person. That's how we are hardwired. The problem is we tend to absorb other people's opinions. Like say you are a smart person, and you know you are, and you have confidence in that, and then someone calls you stupid. Do you believe them? No, because they are wrong. But then say you are a smart person, who lacks confidence and is insecure, and someone calls you stupid. What do you do? You absorb that comment, and make it part of your identity, when it doesn't belong there. That person didn't call you stupid because you were stupid, they called you stupid because of something they have going on in their own head that they carelessly threw on to you, and instead of letting it bounce off, you grabbed on to that comment and made it part of you. Building up confidence is easier than it seems. It involves learning how to be proud of your accomplishments (even though we are constantly taught, ESPECIALLY as females, to downplay our achievements), and it also involves refusing to accept other people's opinions (this includes insults and praise). You can be glad someone complimented you, but you can't believe or rely on praise from others because: 1) everyone has bias and 2) that external praise might not always be there. That's why we need to learn to rely only on our own opinions of ourselves.

I know this sounds strange, but it does make sense the more you think about it. If someone calls you stupid it doesn't mean you are stupid. But if someone calls you smart it doesn't mean you are smart. But if you choose to believe someone when they give you a compliment, you are setting yourself up to believe anything anyone says about you, and that's the problem. If you are smart and someone calls you smart, you can appreciate that they notices something you already knew about yourself, but that can brighten your day, but the words shouldn't change in any way the way you feel about yourself. I hope this is making sense.

So, for those of us with weight issues, the comments hurt because we let them reaffirm the negative thought we already have about ourselves. So to resolve this we first have to change our own negative thinking to positive thinking, and second we have to reject the negative comments. If someone calls you fat, even if you are 500lbs, they didn't call you fat because you're fat, they said it because they have a negative thought pattern going on in their own head, and they likely don't have a high regard for their own self, and they are trying to build themselves up by tearing someone else down. But here's the kicker: they only have as much power as you let them have! Even your parents, they are only people, and their comments only mean as much as you allow them them to mean....

I hope this made some sense.... it was a hard concept for me to learn, and it's hard for me to put it in words, but basically in a nutshell, don't believe anything anyone says about you (positive or negative), definitely don't own another person's opinion of you, change your negative thinking into positive thinking, and forgive your father, this is how you overcome it.

cindylu35

This is my advice to you....

Your parents are only human. A man and woman who had children. They raised you the way they were raised, whether it was right or wrong. Realize they make/made mistakes, that you are now an adult and you do not NEED their approval to be a happy adult.

I suggest a diary for you. Write your feelings down, write down what you would say to them without worrying that it would hurt their feelings (as they didn't worry about yours earlier in life) but don't give it to them obviously. You need to find a way to forgive them for giving you those feelings, by understanding that people make mistakes and don't do them intentionally.

Btw...my mom used to "bribe" me to lose weight by telling me if I lost it, she'd buy me a whole new wardrobe. (sigh)

Lt_Starbuck

There is one sure fire way to get through this.

Every day or every other day - walk up to your workout with the intention of completing something that you have never been able to do before. Whether it's adding a pound, 15 seconds or an extra set, an extra rep, a hand stand, your first pullup attempt - DOESNT MATTER.

Everytime you are working out, in the time you allotted as important for yourself, you walk up to something impossible and you prove to yourself that it is possible.

Doing this over and over day after day week after week will strengthen your body and your mind and your willpower and your momentum.

And suddenly, one morning, you're going to realize that all you care about is getting that barbell up over your head, because it is taking all your energy and effort and THEN YOURE GOING TO DO IT!

And you'll know, that it's your opinion of yourself, your voice in your head saying you can you can you can you can you always can - that you will hear louder than any mouse squeaks in your past. Because everytime you talk yourself through it - you make it happen. You solidify your sense of personal strength.

AND THAT is what your parents most wanted for you