Since when does disapproval = envy?

love4fitnesslove4food_wechange

So this is one of my pet peeves...the "oh, you must be jealous" comment in response to any expression of disapproval.

If you say that you think it's inappropriate for someone to go to the nearby family restaurant wearing stripper heels and booty shorts then you're automatically "jealous" of the person wearing it. This is completely not so. You can genuinely find such attire inappropriate.

In response to someone claiming that X looks so amazing after losing 85 pounds the only appropriate answer is, "Yeah, she does" because anything else means you're jealous. You could genuinely think she's venturing into unhealthy territory OR that she should focus on building muscle but saying either of these things means you're "jealous."

Why do people respond this way? Is honesty not allowed? I'm not defending tactless honesty but it's not wrong to express your honest opinion if it's not intended to hurt another person BUT somehow doing so gets you pegged as "jealous."

I honestly don't understand this phenomenon.

quirkytizzy

Cheers. I think it often gives other people too much credit. Jealousy implies that they are somehow invested in your weight loss efforts. Most people I know are too busy with their own lives to give a rats *kitten* either way.

freeradicals

Maybe just stop "disapproving" of other people and focus on your own life?

TylerJ76

You Jealous???

cmriverside

Projection much?

jbutterflye

People don't like to be criticized.

gym_king_carlie

I think alot of people abide by the term ''if you have nothing nice to say then dont say nothing''

me personally, I prefer to speak what I think than think what I say, but many people will not like what I have to say at times but atleast your honest, some people will call you out because they are thinking the same thing but wont say it.

there is some genuine jealous people though lol

kelsully

So this is one of my pet peeves...the "oh, you must be jealous" comment in response to any expression of disapproval.

If you say that you think it's inappropriate for someone to go to the nearby family restaurant wearing stripper heels and booty shorts then you're automatically "jealous" of the person wearing it. This is completely not so. You can genuinely find such attire inappropriate.

In response to someone claiming that X looks so amazing after losing 85 pounds the only appropriate answer is, "Yeah, she does" because anything else means you're jealous. You could genuinely think she's venturing into unhealthy territory OR that she should focus on building muscle but saying either of these things means you're "jealous."

Why do people respond this way? Is honesty not allowed? I'm not defending tactless honesty but it's not wrong to express your honest opinion if it's not intended to hurt another person BUT somehow doing so gets you pegged as "jealous."

I honestly don't understand this phenomenon.

this phenomenon annoys me too. Some people are genuinely jealous and snarky due to it but I venture a guess that if people are being resistant to your changes they are being resistant to how you are behaving. No one wants to be preached too. People will resist when their friends change their interests and hobbies.

JasonAxelrod

There's nothing wrong with honesty. People tend to get presumptuous about one's intentions when someone seems to go against the grain or even slightly come off negative, because a lot of people actually do exactly that. It's annoying, but I try my best to broach those kinds of situations with care and kindness to show that my concerns or comments are genuine rather than disrespectful. After all, there's a big difference between, "She really doesn't look that much better," and, "He's made some great strides, but I worry he's headed into unhealthy territory at that weight." Then again, if I wanted to talk about a concern like that with the person, I'd probably be courteous enough to do so in private in the first place.

What else can we do? People overreact and get defensive a lot of the time. Just as much as I wish they'd cut some slack to those who try to be real, I think it's important to cut those people some slack as well (I'm mainly talking about communities like this and the personal endeavors for self-betterment rather than a complete ***** with no humility or regard for public courtesy such as wearing next to nothing in a family setting).

mfpcopine

An equivalent is to call people "haters."

No, they're skeptical/disapproving/credulous /intelligent.

shaynak112

Sometimes it does mean someone's jealous and sometimes it doesn't.

Cr01502

It's sabotage y'all.

Kanohane

So this is one of my pet peeves...the "oh, you must be jealous" comment in response to any expression of disapproval.

If you say that you think it's inappropriate for someone to go to the nearby family restaurant wearing stripper heels and booty shorts then you're automatically "jealous" of the person wearing it. This is completely not so. You can genuinely find such attire inappropriate.

In response to someone claiming that X looks so amazing after losing 85 pounds the only appropriate answer is, "Yeah, she does" because anything else means you're jealous. You could genuinely think she's venturing into unhealthy territory OR that she should focus on building muscle but saying either of these things means you're "jealous."

Why do people respond this way? Is honesty not allowed? I'm not defending tactless honesty but it's not wrong to express your honest opinion if it's not intended to hurt another person BUT somehow doing so gets you pegged as "jealous."

I honestly don't understand this phenomenon.

I was thinking the same thing...MFP has a serious issue with this...

love4fitnesslove4food_wechange

It's sabotage y'all.

Or that. That's another one tossed around.

love4fitnesslove4food_wechange

Maybe just stop "disapproving" of other people and focus on your own life?

Because we're human--how about we stop pretending that we don't have opinions.

originalcookiemonster

People don't like to be criticized.

Giving your honest opinion isn't criticizing.

As far as the jealous thing, I think perhaps those who hear your opinion were subconsciously wishing to hear something else, something specific that they did or did not realize they wanted to hear. So, in turn, "jealousy" or some form thereof is a very easy thing to attach to the opinion giver because it in turns reassures that they are not in the wrong/ did a good job/ whatever the issue may be. It relieves them of blame and/or reassures that they did a good job. I'm not sure if I am explaining this quite the way I'm thinking of it. :blushing: Some people have the capability to accept and hear both praise, honest opinions and/or both at the same time. Some have less of that capability which in no way makes them bad people.

Don't get me wrong I'm not knocking that. I admit I've been on both sides of this situation depending on what I was dealing with. This is just what I've derived after a while.

Contrarian

It is the MFP way. Any time ANYONE doesn't like a poster for ANY reason, the MFP community will pipe in with "They're jealous".

love4fitnesslove4food_wechange

People don't like to be criticized.

Giving your honest opinion isn't criticizing.

As far as the jealous thing, I think perhaps those who hear your opinion were subconsciously wishing to hear something else, something specific that they did or did not realize they wanted to hear. So, in turn, "jealousy" or some form thereof is a very easy thing to attach to the opinion giver because it in turns reassures that they are not in the wrong/ did a good job/ whatever the issue may be. It relieves them of blame and/or reassures that they did a good job. I'm not sure if I am explaining this quite the way I'm thinking of it. :blushing: Some people have the capability to accept and hear both praise, honest opinions and/or both at the same time. Some have less of that capability which in no way makes them bad people.

Don't get me wrong I'm not knocking that. I admit I've been on both sides of this situation depending on what I was dealing with. This is just what I've derived after a while.

makes perfect sense. If they accepted the comment or whatever it may be as TRUTH then any idea that they had must be reevaluated but if it can be dismissed because the person is simply "jealous" then the person is free to go on believing/feeling/thinking whatever it is they did prior to hearing/knowing what your perspective was on the issue.

Ribba

The saying 'you're just jealous' is a way of directing a disapproving comment back to the originator to protect the person he/she aimed it at.

originalcookiemonster

People don't like to be criticized.

Giving your honest opinion isn't criticizing.

As far as the jealous thing, I think perhaps those who hear your opinion were subconsciously wishing to hear something else, something specific that they did or did not realize they wanted to hear. So, in turn, "jealousy" or some form thereof is a very easy thing to attach to the opinion giver because it in turns reassures that they are not in the wrong/ did a good job/ whatever the issue may be. It relieves them of blame and/or reassures that they did a good job. I'm not sure if I am explaining this quite the way I'm thinking of it. :blushing: Some people have the capability to accept and hear both praise, honest opinions and/or both at the same time. Some have less of that capability which in no way makes them bad people.

Don't get me wrong I'm not knocking that. I admit I've been on both sides of this situation depending on what I was dealing with. This is just what I've derived after a while.

makes perfect sense. If they accepted the comment or whatever it may be as TRUTH then any idea that they had must be reevaluated but if it can be dismissed because the person is simply "jealous" then the person is free to go on believing/feeling/thinking whatever it is they did prior to hearing/knowing what your perspective was on the issue.

Right. Often there is more going on than truly wanting to know what people think. Often people seek reassurance instead of actual opinions. Its ok to seek reassurance but by stating so in the first place, you allow people to really know what it is you need. Therefore, nice people like you, would know that and be free to offer praise if you so desired and would have the foreknowledge to think, "Oh well I actually have an opinion to offer on top of my praise, perhaps I'll deliver my opinion differently since it wasn't what they asked for in the first place." Little things like that make a big difference.

jbutterflye

People don't like to be criticized.

Giving your honest opinion isn't criticizing.

Definition of criticism:

1. the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything.

2. the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding.

So, if you find fault with someone's choices or behavior and voice that to them then you're criticizing. AND this can still be your "honest" opinion. However people sometimes think that because it's their honest opinion it automatically gives them the right and license to share it with others. And the fact of the matter is that most people don't want to be contradicted, and it's no one's job or automatic right to do so. I find it more respectful to others to only share a critical opinion if they're asking for it or if I know from my experience with that person that they're open to it. It's also important HOW one says it too.

Like this thread, for instance. You're clearly asking for other's opinions, and I just gave you mine, which comes from my life experience and insight. What you do with it is obviously your business. You could say I'm jealous for disagreeing. Actually if people really thought that and it wasn't true I'd just blow it off. I don't have time to manage everyone's opinions of my opinions. Who cares, really?

love4fitnesslove4food_wechange

People don't like to be criticized.

Giving your honest opinion isn't criticizing.

Definition of criticism:

1. the act of passing judgment as to the merits of anything.

2. the act of passing severe judgment; censure; faultfinding.

So, if you find fault with someone's choices or behavior and voice that to them then you're criticizing. AND this can still be your "honest" opinion. However people sometimes think that because it's their honest opinion it automatically gives them the right and license to share it with others. And the fact of the matter is that most people don't want to be contradicted, and it's no one's job or automatic right to do so. I find it more respectful to others to only share a critical opinion if they're asking for it or if I know from my experience with that person that they're open to it. It's also important HOW one says it too.

Like this thread, for instance. You're clearly asking for other's opinions, and I just gave you mine, which comes from my life experience and insight. What you do with it is obviously your business. You could say I'm jealous for disagreeing. Actually if people really thought that and it wasn't true I'd just blow it off. I don't have time to manage everyone's opinions of my opinions. Who cares, really?

Fair enough BUT in the event that someone DOES ASK...that doesn't mean that that same person wouldn't in turn call you jealous for responding honestly. This is quite puzzling to me.

love4fitnesslove4food_wechange

The saying 'you're just jealous' is a way of directing a disapproving comment back to the originator to protect the person he/she aimed it at.

Well said. I agree.

andyisandy

Maybe just stop "disapproving" of other people and focus on your own life?

I disagree that the op is doing that. I think they are trying to get across how pc we have to be and if we are not, then we are automaticly jelous. Everyone at one time or another disapproves of something and or someone.

jbutterflye

Fair enough BUT in the event that someone DOES ASK...that doesn't mean that that same person wouldn't in turn call you jealous for responding honestly. This is quite puzzling to me.

Well, that's one of those tricky things I've learned in life... just because someone asks for opinions doesn't mean they really want to hear contradicting opinions. A lot of times it's just fishing for compliments and approval. If you pay attention and get to know someone you'll be able to detect where they're coming from. But you won't always know, and then it's just a crapshoot, in which case you gotta be prepared to have your input deflected. Calling someone jealous is just a way of deflecting feedback that someone wasn't open to in the first place. It's like a counterattack when they feel attacked by your input. Then it can send you into a defensive mode, trying to justify yourself and where you're coming from and takes attention away from what they're doing.

At that point I'd just recognize it for what it is and move on. And this is why most of the time I won't give critical feedback, no matter how "helpful" or "constructive" it may be, because I really have learned that most of the time it's really not welcome, even if they're asking for it. People are funny. I've learned to not bother with how they "should" be but instead accept how they really are.

love4fitnesslove4food_wechange

Maybe just stop "disapproving" of other people and focus on your own life?

I disagree that the op is doing that. I think they are trying to get across how pc we have to be and if we are not, then we are automaticly jelous. Everyone at one time or another disapproves of something and or someone.

Thank you! :flowerforyou:

love4fitnesslove4food_wechange

Fair enough BUT in the event that someone DOES ASK...that doesn't mean that that same person wouldn't in turn call you jealous for responding honestly. This is quite puzzling to me.

Well, that's one of those tricky things I've learned in life... just because someone asks for opinions doesn't mean they really want to hear contradicting opinions. A lot of times it's just fishing for compliments and approval. If you pay attention and get to know someone you'll be able to detect where they're coming from. But you won't always know, and then it's just a crapshoot, in which case you gotta be prepared to have your input deflected. Calling someone jealous is just a way of deflecting feedback that someone wasn't open to in the first place. It's like a counterattack when they feel attacked by your input. Then it can send you into a defensive mode, trying to justify yourself and where you're coming from and takes attention away from what they're doing.

At that point I'd just recognize it for what it is and move on. And this is why most of the time I won't give critical feedback, no matter how "helpful" or "constructive" it may be, because I really have learned that most of the time it's really not welcome, even if they're asking for it. People are funny. I've learned to not bother with how they "should" be but instead accept how they really are.

doesn't it nag at you though? I hate that sort of interaction so I'd rather just avoid people than feel like I had to tiptoe around the truth to avoid being labeled "jealous" or "rude" or "a sabotager" or any of those completely unjustified comments. I also try to deliver my truthful opinions in as sensitive a way as possible. Yet still, you have those people who are just ready for that counterattack.

originalcookiemonster

Fair enough BUT in the event that someone DOES ASK...that doesn't mean that that same person wouldn't in turn call you jealous for responding honestly. This is quite puzzling to me.

Well, that's one of those tricky things I've learned in life... just because someone asks for opinions doesn't mean they really want to hear contradicting opinions. A lot of times it's just fishing for compliments and approval. If you pay attention and get to know someone you'll be able to detect where they're coming from. But you won't always know, and then it's just a crapshoot, in which case you gotta be prepared to have your input deflected. Calling someone jealous is just a way of deflecting feedback that someone wasn't open to in the first place. It's like a counterattack when they feel attacked by your input. Then it can send you into a defensive mode, trying to justify yourself and where you're coming from and takes attention away from what they're doing.

At that point I'd just recognize it for what it is and move on. And this is why most of the time I won't give critical feedback, no matter how "helpful" or "constructive" it may be, because I really have learned that most of the time it's really not welcome, even if they're asking for it. People are funny. I've learned to not bother with how they "should" be but instead accept how they really are.

doesn't it nag at you though? I hate that sort of interaction so I'd rather just avoid people than feel like I had to tiptoe around the truth to avoid being labeled "jealous" or "rude" or "a sabotager" or any of those completely unjustified comments. I also try to deliver my truthful opinions in as sensitive a way as possible. Yet still, you have those people who are just ready for that counterattack.

While I think she's right, that its best to realize they're deflecting and move on (I mean lets face it people will be people), I do understand that it nags at you. It nags at me too. Giving your opinions may not actually yield what you hope it will and thats frustrating because you have knowledge based opinions and help to offer. And its unfair for those labels to be attached to you when you genuinely wish to help them. I know that about you, I wouldn't be where I am without it. However, when people truly desire those opinions they will either A) search it out because they WANT it bad or be capable of accepting your opinion in the first place when you give it.

That being said, the percentage of the time this happens is pretty low sadly. And in the meantime, I suppose the best thing to do (at least that I've discovered) is to deliver your opinions selectively at the risk of being rebuffed. It sucks, but I don't think there's a way around it. Although you can on a bad day remember all the awesome people you have helped along the way because your opinions and experience have DEFINITELY made a huge difference in peoples lives. :flowerforyou:

jbutterflye

doesn't it nag at you though? I hate that sort of interaction so I'd rather just avoid people than feel like I had to tiptoe around the truth to avoid being labeled "jealous" or "rude" or "a sabotager" or any of those completely unjustified comments. I also try to deliver my truthful opinions in as sensitive a way as possible. Yet still, you have those people who are just ready for that counterattack.

Yeah, I don't like that kind of thing. That's why most of the time I only respond when I agree or approve and stay quiet the rest of the time. And if I do share something critical then I take responsibility for my experience, knowing that they can react in any number of ways, and that ultimately it's OK with me however they react. I don't expect any particular thing at that point and I'm prepared. One thing that helps is not taking any of it personally and not making their reaction important, either way it goes. Because really, our input is a gift and how they use that gift is none of our business. We don't need to control or manage it at that point, but walk away with no strings attached. Makes life much more enjoyable, for me anyway.

love4fitnesslove4food_wechange

Fair enough BUT in the event that someone DOES ASK...that doesn't mean that that same person wouldn't in turn call you jealous for responding honestly. This is quite puzzling to me.

Well, that's one of those tricky things I've learned in life... just because someone asks for opinions doesn't mean they really want to hear contradicting opinions. A lot of times it's just fishing for compliments and approval. If you pay attention and get to know someone you'll be able to detect where they're coming from. But you won't always know, and then it's just a crapshoot, in which case you gotta be prepared to have your input deflected. Calling someone jealous is just a way of deflecting feedback that someone wasn't open to in the first place. It's like a counterattack when they feel attacked by your input. Then it can send you into a defensive mode, trying to justify yourself and where you're coming from and takes attention away from what they're doing.

At that point I'd just recognize it for what it is and move on. And this is why most of the time I won't give critical feedback, no matter how "helpful" or "constructive" it may be, because I really have learned that most of the time it's really not welcome, even if they're asking for it. People are funny. I've learned to not bother with how they "should" be but instead accept how they really are.

doesn't it nag at you though? I hate that sort of interaction so I'd rather just avoid people than feel like I had to tiptoe around the truth to avoid being labeled "jealous" or "rude" or "a sabotager" or any of those completely unjustified comments. I also try to deliver my truthful opinions in as sensitive a way as possible. Yet still, you have those people who are just ready for that counterattack.

While I think she's right, that its best to realize they're deflecting and move on (I mean lets face it people will be people), I do understand that it nags at you. It nags at me too. Giving your opinions may not actually yield what you hope it will and thats frustrating because you have knowledge based opinions and help to offer. And its unfair for those labels to be attached to you when you genuinely wish to help them. I know that about you, I wouldn't be where I am without it. However, when people truly desire those opinions they will either A) search it out because they WANT it bad or be capable of accepting your opinion in the first place when you give it.

That being said, the percentage of the time this happens is pretty low sadly. And in the meantime, I suppose the best thing to do (at least that I've discovered) is to deliver your opinions selectively at the risk of being rebuffed. It sucks, but I don't think there's a way around it. Although you can on a bad day remember all the awesome people you have helped along the way because your opinions and experience have DEFINITELY made a huge difference in peoples lives. ::

You're the sweetest. Thank you!

love4fitnesslove4food_wechange

doesn't it nag at you though? I hate that sort of interaction so I'd rather just avoid people than feel like I had to tiptoe around the truth to avoid being labeled "jealous" or "rude" or "a sabotager" or any of those completely unjustified comments. I also try to deliver my truthful opinions in as sensitive a way as possible. Yet still, you have those people who are just ready for that counterattack.

Yeah, I don't like that kind of thing. That's why most of the time I only respond when I agree or approve and stay quiet the rest of the time. And if I do share something critical then I take responsibility for my experience, knowing that they can react in any number of ways, and that ultimately it's OK with me however they react. I don't expect any particular thing at that point and I'm prepared. One thing that helps is not taking any of it personally and not making their reaction important, either way it goes. Because really, our input is a gift and how they use that gift is none of our business. We don't need to control or manage it at that point, but walk away with no strings attached. Makes life much more enjoyable, for me anyway.

What a great perspective! I need to do this myself.