Frustration - Wife sabotages herself - women listen up

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  • heyyoudontgiveup
    heyyoudontgiveup Posts: 64 Member
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    you sound abusive tbh because you are controlling her to the point that you threw away her hairties because YOU don't want her to put her hair up. grow up.
  • lotushead
    lotushead Posts: 200 Member
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    It seems like a lot of people completely misunderstood your point. On the other hand, you have some people giving great advice. Stick with the latter.

    I'd honestly say she could use some "self-healing" work and dig into a book about what it is to love oneself. If she's not particular to books, then maybe something therapeutic like yoga or meditation could help her mind focus on her worth internally, rather than externally.

    As far as what YOU can do. I think just being supportive and loving is all you can do. If you want to be her life coach, you can. But it doesn't sound like you want to. From my understanding, you just want to see her happy with herself. You also don't want to feel weighed down by trying to make the love of your life feel great about herself. I get this.

    I don't know what this woman is interested in but I honestly think some spiritual healing could benefit her. Whether that be through prayer, meditation, seeing a shrink, having a regular girls night, shooting guns (at targets!), whatever may it be. It just sounds like her self-esteem needs a boost, and not from the make-up or clothes department! That's surface stuff. She needs to go deep down.
  • BurtHuttz
    BurtHuttz Posts: 3,653 Member
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    I had a hard time reading as you tore your wife to shreds about her lack of confidence. This was a uniquely painful experience, thank you for subjecting me to this brand new kind of discomfort.
    With love,
    Burt
  • CaddieMay
    CaddieMay Posts: 356 Member
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    This is a great post. I felt like my husband was talking directly to me. I have the same reaction your wife has when my husband gives me a compliment, I don't believe it so I write it off. You made me understand how he feels and i don't want to push him away like that. I think I need to change how I perceive myself. Thank you OP... and thank you from my husband too. :)


    ^This - is exactly what I was thinking. My boyfriend gives me the best compliments, but I shrug them off, thinking, "There must be something wrong with him if he thinks I'm beautiful/hot/gorgeous/etc." Well, now I can see things from his point of view.

    Also, some other posters said that it gets better with age. This is true. I'm in my 40s and my confidence is much higher than it used to be (but there is still work to do!) But when I was younger, I had many insecurities that could not be "cured" with a compliment or anything else other than time.

    OP, I wish you both the best of luck. Give her room to grow and find herself. Keep telling her she's pretty and kind and smart, but don't expect a "thank you" just yet. She has to believe it herself. :smile:
  • Willowana
    Willowana Posts: 493 Member
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    OP, you sound like a great guy. Here's my feedback for what it's worth:

    The hairband thing:

    Your remarks about my appearance would hurt me. I would feel that you are being critical of me. Nothing has been sexier than a boyfriend that sees me scrubbing the toliet and he says something about liking the way my *kitten* looks bent over. A woman wants to hear that you love her...all of her...in any state. Ever. Unconditionally. She's sexy when she's a mess. She's a goddess when she's fixed up. Part of your wife's lack of self-esteem could be, unintentionally, partly your fault. Ease up on her, man. Be there for her all the time, and be proud of your beautiful wife in public no matter how dumpy she looks. At 22 years old, she's not even grown into herself yet.

    Try these words at a moment she isn't expecting it. When she's cleaning or cooking, catch her in your arms, kiss her face all over with a playful attitude, then be serious a moment...look her lovingly in the eyes and say softly, "Marrying you... was the best decision I've ever made. I'm so proud of you. I really hope you know just how much I love you."

    Instead of focusing your compliments on her outward appearance, focus on all that you love about her inside. Self-esteem is an inward problem. So start there. Build her up from the inside out. Show her that you love her at the very core.

    Because let me tell you. I'm a big girl. 282 lbs. at my biggest. 239 lbs. now. And my weight hasn't stopped me from buying sexy lingerie and having wild, passionate sex every way possible. Yes, I know you didn't want that visual. :laugh: My point is, I'm able to do that because I'm accepting of who I am, and my boyfriends and past lovers wanted ME....just exactly the way I am.

    Do that for your girl, and you'll have her hanging off the chandelier. :drinker:
  • SoViLicious
    SoViLicious Posts: 2,633 Member
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    I had a hard time reading as you tore your wife to shreds about her lack of confidence. This was a uniquely painful experience, thank you for subjecting me to this brand new kind of discomfort.
    With love,
    Burt


    How dare you make me read after I skimmed?
  • diabloben68
    diabloben68 Posts: 64
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    you sound abusive tbh because you are controlling her to the point that you threw away her hairties because YOU don't want her to put her hair up. grow up.

    Maybe, but thats as abusive as I get. Cheers
  • lilacsun
    lilacsun Posts: 204 Member
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    Hmm, my husband loves that I don't dress up because it says that I don't base my self worth on societal norms and gender stereotypes. That's not to say that I never have my insecure moments, but I am comfortable in our relationship and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my spouse finds me hot! So, pretty much the opposite of what you said when it comes to dressing down.


    And about taking compliments, that's actually really hard for a lot of women to do. Females are taught from a very early age that they must be humble and self-deprecating. There have been quite a few studies and articles written about this. It will certainly take some time to reverse that gender norm....if ever.

    This! And just love her for her no matter what. I'm married 15 years, lived together for 17 years and still very much in love with my husband. Let her figure herself out, she will. She's so young, at 22 I was just figuring put who I was.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,109 Member
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    However she feels is valid. Those fears come from somewhere. Figure out where they come from and address it. I'm sure she didn't just now develop this issue. Best thing for you is to be gentle, and affirm how beautiful you think she is. Women grow up thinking they are princesses. For good or ill, that is the way she wants to be treated. And you have been hired for the job.
  • ThisGirl2013
    ThisGirl2013 Posts: 220 Member
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    If you keep up with the positive reinforcement, despite what she is wearing-saying-doing, eventually she will come to trust you.
    Each time she says something negative, repeat with something positive or tell her she shouldn't "receive" that negativity because it simply isn't true. I hope she gets some self esteem and confidence because I know how much depression or negativity can bring the other down. I think as she ages, this will come. Esp with someone who truly loves her and finds her sexy the way that you do :)
    *sweats and hairbands just are comfy and I think I am still sexy in them - even when my man is like, uh.. *lol* so I don't torture him too much by wearing them but he is cute and just says, "It's ok, I can just imagine what is underneath instead."
    ;) *WIN*
    Seriously though, I have heard it time and again from men - confidence and personality are sexiest!
  • Kym1610
    Kym1610 Posts: 333 Member
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    It could be an age thing, I never really felt that comfortable with myself when I was 22 it is something that has improved with age.

    Something else it could be is talk is cheap, she may feel like your not Sincere because it is not be backed up with thought - I am not talking about buying her expensive gifts, I am talking about those little things that let her know you've thought about her today - it could be something as small as a note that says I love you left in her hand bag, or making her lunch for the day
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
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    Um, I'm sorry but you kind of reinforce her lack of self confidence by how you treat her. Viewing somebody with self confidence issues as selfish because it means she's not as available to you sexually is frightening.
  • silversociety
    silversociety Posts: 222 Member
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    To the original poster... NAILED IT!
  • ThisGirl2013
    ThisGirl2013 Posts: 220 Member
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    well, i see that some young ladies totally missed your point and are making drama-inspired comments about you being 'controlling' or some such nonsense. i'm old enough to be your mother so i'm going to dispense with the drama.

    i think you are a prize. because you think SHE is a treasure.

    but she can't see herself through your eyes.

    and this is a VERY common problem. you cannot change this, or help her understand, any time soon. it is going to take years. maybe a couple of decades.

    i went through it too. after being married to an incredible man for more than 20 years, i read something and it clicked. i can't tell you what i read, or where i read it. but here's what happened:

    when my husband told me i was beautiful, i decided to believe him, because I WANTED HIM TO BE RIGHT.

    currently she wants the drama/attention more than she wants you to be right.

    and i bet you keep having the same conversation over and over. that needs to change. if she wants drama, give her some, but not the same drama you've been giving her. when you give her a compliment, and she blows it off, you can tell her that it hurts you when she dismisses you and makes you feel like your opinion is unimportant. in other words, you need to talk like a female because you are dealing with a female.

    if she needs more drama, wait until she gives you a compliment, and then disagree with her and tell her she is cruel for making fun of you.

    if that approach is not your style, you could tell her that it makes you hopping mad to hear someone badmouth the woman you love.
    also you might just listen to her rant and then ask her to say something positive about herself. one negative comment costs one positive comment.

    in any case she needs to stop this crap before you have children or it will affect them.

    sir, i have no patience with drama. it comes from having had two teenage daughters at the same time. (they are both grown now.) thanks for listening to me spout off!

    but please don't stop giving her compliments. that would be a bad thing for all parties concerned. and perhaps you could say more things like, 'i love being with you', or, 'i love your generous heart', or something like that, rather than complimenting her appearance. that might help. or you could tweak it a little. change 'i think your hair is nice', to, 'your hair is beautiful, in my opinion.' and she can't argue, because it's an opinion. she can disagree, but not argue. what can she say? 'no, you don't think that?' if she does, see above paragraph about blowing you off. which, by the way, is incredibly disrespectful. how about, 'your hair feels so good when i run my fingers through it.' that's an attention grabber!

    good luck and God bless. it's going to be a long road.

    This chick knows her stuff!!!
  • heatherloveslifting
    heatherloveslifting Posts: 1,428 Member
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    22 is very young. She will gain confidence as she grows older. Start being nicer to her now! ;)
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    I had a hard time reading as you tore your wife to shreds about her lack of confidence. This was a uniquely painful experience, thank you for subjecting me to this brand new kind of discomfort.
    With love,
    Burt

    This was how I felt also.
  • spade117
    spade117 Posts: 2,466 Member
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    "your really good at science"

    I use that on all the womens.
  • A_Beautiful_disaster
    A_Beautiful_disaster Posts: 11
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    I feel like some people didn't get the point of this post. Jealous maybe.

    You sound like a great husband and if you keep on telling her she's pretty, even if she doesn't believe you, and do little things that show her you mean what you say it will go a long way. Perhaps explain to her why your concern about her under dressing (although do realize that sometimes we just don't feel like putting in the effort) and make sure that she gets as much encouragement as possible in whatever it is she is dealing with.

    Yes! I think he is awesome. I had a very low self image early in our marriage. My husband helped bring me out of it. I still have problems with it , but nothing like it used to be.
  • laughingdani
    laughingdani Posts: 2,275 Member
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    "your really good at science"

    I use that on all the womens.

    *swoon*
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    Um, I'm sorry but you kind of reinforce her lack of self confidence by how you treat her. Viewing somebody with self confidence issues as selfish because it means she's not as available to you sexually is frightening.

    Yeah, this too!

    The whole thing was just weird. I don't even know where to start.

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