Depressed Spouse/Partner
wikitbikit
Posts: 518 Member
So, that other topic about the wife with the (perceived) low self-esteem got me thinking, and I'd like to hear opinions and thoughts about having a depressed spouse or partner. Do you think the healthy spouse is obligated to stay, or that they 'should?' Is it ok to just DTMFA?
I first diagnosed with depression in my teens (nearing 40 now, egad), and I have been on and off many different types of meds over the years. When I met my (now) ex, I was on meds. We had a great time, lots of sex, romance, so on and so forth. I got pregnant and breastfed for about a year, so there were no meds during that time, and then for several years I was without health insurance and we were pretty broke so again, no meds.
I did eventually begin medication again, but I was in a pretty sad state. There was some social anxiety/panic disorder in there as well. I didn't want to leave the house or talk to other people; I had no energy; I slept A LOT; I did the bare minimum of housework; I drank (we both did) A LOT; hygiene was not very high on my list of priorities; I had ZERO interest in sex; I didn't like anything about my body; I didn't feel like I deserved to feel any better, and on the rare occasions I did, I had no idea how to go about fixing anything (everything was SO BROKEN) and the relatively good feeling never lasted long enough to make any progress; I was addicted to being online, maybe, or maybe it was the only thing that gave me even a vague reason to get out of bed (aside from caring for our daughter--which I was always adequate at: she was not neglected, mistreated, underfed, unclean, forgotten, or anything else. Yes, it could have been better for her through that time, but she was absolutely not in a dangerous or 'bad' situation). Any other symptoms of depression you can think of, I'm sure I exhibited them, except weight loss-- I was an eater.
So this is years. This is years of my ex trying what he could to help me. Romancing me, encouraging me, expressing his love for me, cajoling me, being patient, guilt-tripping me, everything and anything under the sun. We had The Arguments. I was not living up to my end of the bargain, he would say, and I would promise to try--and I would try, and maybe even succeed a little bit...for a few days, maybe. He wanted me to work outside the home-- not just because he felt that was "fair," but because we could use the money and because he felt it would help me feel better about myself to have a job (I did have a small job that I was able to do from home where I made a bit of money; I was not completely unemployed).
To summarize: he eventually concluded that I was being a sponge and resented me completely, no longer loved me. He decided we were getting divorced, and we did.
I don't really want to hear opinions about me or my past relationship, but I put it out there as an example of what it can be like. I was devastated when he told me he wanted a divorce. I knew he was unhappy, of course, but I felt blindsided and abandoned and all kinds of very yucky things on top of my already very yucky feelings.
I can understand why he wanted out-- who wants to live like that? How can you love someone like that? It's not his job to fix me, and even if it was, it obviously wasn't working.
But then there's another part of me that says, What about 'For better or for worse' and 'In sickness and health?' If it was another kind of sickness that required a lot of maintenance, would it be 'ok' to leave? Can you say to someone 'If you don't get over that cancer and be the spouse I expected, I'm gonna leave you?'
(For the record, I still struggle but am much, much better now).
I first diagnosed with depression in my teens (nearing 40 now, egad), and I have been on and off many different types of meds over the years. When I met my (now) ex, I was on meds. We had a great time, lots of sex, romance, so on and so forth. I got pregnant and breastfed for about a year, so there were no meds during that time, and then for several years I was without health insurance and we were pretty broke so again, no meds.
I did eventually begin medication again, but I was in a pretty sad state. There was some social anxiety/panic disorder in there as well. I didn't want to leave the house or talk to other people; I had no energy; I slept A LOT; I did the bare minimum of housework; I drank (we both did) A LOT; hygiene was not very high on my list of priorities; I had ZERO interest in sex; I didn't like anything about my body; I didn't feel like I deserved to feel any better, and on the rare occasions I did, I had no idea how to go about fixing anything (everything was SO BROKEN) and the relatively good feeling never lasted long enough to make any progress; I was addicted to being online, maybe, or maybe it was the only thing that gave me even a vague reason to get out of bed (aside from caring for our daughter--which I was always adequate at: she was not neglected, mistreated, underfed, unclean, forgotten, or anything else. Yes, it could have been better for her through that time, but she was absolutely not in a dangerous or 'bad' situation). Any other symptoms of depression you can think of, I'm sure I exhibited them, except weight loss-- I was an eater.
So this is years. This is years of my ex trying what he could to help me. Romancing me, encouraging me, expressing his love for me, cajoling me, being patient, guilt-tripping me, everything and anything under the sun. We had The Arguments. I was not living up to my end of the bargain, he would say, and I would promise to try--and I would try, and maybe even succeed a little bit...for a few days, maybe. He wanted me to work outside the home-- not just because he felt that was "fair," but because we could use the money and because he felt it would help me feel better about myself to have a job (I did have a small job that I was able to do from home where I made a bit of money; I was not completely unemployed).
To summarize: he eventually concluded that I was being a sponge and resented me completely, no longer loved me. He decided we were getting divorced, and we did.
I don't really want to hear opinions about me or my past relationship, but I put it out there as an example of what it can be like. I was devastated when he told me he wanted a divorce. I knew he was unhappy, of course, but I felt blindsided and abandoned and all kinds of very yucky things on top of my already very yucky feelings.
I can understand why he wanted out-- who wants to live like that? How can you love someone like that? It's not his job to fix me, and even if it was, it obviously wasn't working.
But then there's another part of me that says, What about 'For better or for worse' and 'In sickness and health?' If it was another kind of sickness that required a lot of maintenance, would it be 'ok' to leave? Can you say to someone 'If you don't get over that cancer and be the spouse I expected, I'm gonna leave you?'
(For the record, I still struggle but am much, much better now).
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There's no right or wrong answer. We all have our breaking point. I would say that leaving a partner during treatment for cancer is wrong. Few would disagree. Leaving a partner complying with treatment for a chronic illness is also wrong. But what about mental illness? Patients frequently exacerbate their condition by not complying with treatment or by refusing treatment altogether. Is a spouse obligated to stay while their partner self destructs and refuses to help themselves? What about a type 1 diabetic who doesn't test their sugars and finds themselves in emergency on a regular basis?
Frankly I don't have the energy to care about someone who doesn't care for themselves. Either I can work what I believe to be a reasonably happy relationship around their issues or I call it quits. Obviously nothing is black and white and medical care in many parts of the world is contingent not so much on a patient's motivation as their bank balance. This would complicate things. Would I leave a partner whose mental illness would stabilise if only he was able to afford the intensive inpatient treatment required? I'd like to think no, but presumably in that situation I'd be in a similar financial position and might need to find myself a more reliable partner.0 -
I did eventually begin medication again, but I was in a pretty sad state. There was some social anxiety/panic disorder in there as well. I didn't want to leave the house or talk to other people; I had no energy; I slept A LOT; I did the bare minimum of housework; I drank (we both did) A LOT; hygiene was not very high on my list of priorities; I had ZERO interest in sex; I didn't like anything about my body; I didn't feel like I deserved to feel any better, and on the rare occasions I did, I had no idea how to go about fixing anything (everything was SO BROKEN) and the relatively good feeling never lasted long enough to make any progress; I was addicted to being online, maybe, or maybe it was the only thing that gave me even a vague reason to get out of bed (aside from caring for our daughter--which I was always adequate at: she was not neglected, mistreated, underfed, unclean, forgotten, or anything else. Yes, it could have been better for her through that time, but she was absolutely not in a dangerous or 'bad' situation). Any other symptoms of depression you can think of, I'm sure I exhibited them, except weight loss-- I was an eater.
So this is years. This is years of my ex trying what he could to help me. Romancing me, encouraging me, expressing his love for me, cajoling me, being patient, guilt-tripping me, everything and anything under the sun. We had The Arguments. I was not living up to my end of the bargain, he would say, and I would promise to try--and I would try, and maybe even succeed a little bit...for a few days, maybe. He wanted me to work outside the home-- not just because he felt that was "fair," but because we could use the money and because he felt it would help me feel better about myself to have a job (I did have a small job that I was able to do from home where I made a bit of money; I was not completely unemployed).
Wow, that is almost exactly where I am now (except we don't have kids and I've never been to a GP about my depression/anxiety/agoraphobia so have never taken meds for it), and it scares the crap out of me that one day my OH is going to do just that.
I don't think it's ok for him to have left because of an illness, but it's obv different to something like cancer because depression can make you a totally different person, not the person he met and fell in love with. I say that knowing that I am too a very different person now to how I was when we started dating 12 years back, and I know how hard it is on him, and I wonder if he'd known then how I would be 12 years later if he would have just dumped me back then you know!0 -
Great posts and lots of food for thought. We all are so complicated and have different hardships to work through. I bet there are as many feelings about how to handle depression as there are people who read the posts. This past year my husband had spinal fusion surgery and we were scared and depressed. He is on the mend and I have to say his depression was one of the scariest things I've ever experienced. Dealing with my own emotions is hard but dealing with his when he wasn't able to help me understand was beyond what I can describe. We've worked pretty much through it and are stronger for it.0
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Me and my hubby are kinda in that situation now. Although my ups and downs have all been from pregnancy/ppd ups and downs over the last 5 years. It's been tough but we've been sticking together. I would love it if he would actually try to help me out (he doesn't) but be works away ALOT so I'm stuck at home with our two small kids doing everything myself which kinda adds to the stress and adds to the problems I think. I would be pretty devastated if he decided to leave me since the issues have come out of the kids we decided to have together and I'm now basically solely responsible in caring for... I still make the effort everyday to get up and do what I can and be the best that I can but I admit its been a struggle...
Eta: I've become very good at faking being happier then I am so not alot people even know the extent of the issues I've been dealing with except him. I think it would hurt pretty damn bad to have the one person I've truly opened myself up to ditch me because of that. I don't think I'd ever be able to trust anyone again.0 -
Thank everyone for the thoughts so far. :flowerforyou:
Believe me, it was devastating...and it's not like he didn't know I had long-term depression issues. It's been something like four years now since everything blew up, and the idea of even going on a date makes me want to vomit. I am still healing though, and I hope that maybe one day I'll be able to take the risk again.I think it would hurt pretty damn bad to have the one person I've truly opened myself up to ditch me because of that. I don't think I'd ever be able to trust anyone again.
(I really can't imagine it...but I hope, lol). 0 -
I suffer from depression, and have a sister who is bi-polar. And we come from a long line of shrinks. I have dated depressed people. I have been the depressed person. I understand how depression effects me, and how it can effect those around me. I stay conscious of this, and even when I KNOW that I am depressed, I strive to maintain my routine so as not to get my mental illness all over the people around me. Similarly, I am not afraid to tell them when their mental illness is encroaching on my happy. I am a pretty patient person, but that isn't to say that I haven't broken up with people because they didn't CARE how their depression was causing unhealthy things to happen in MY life.
It is a balancing act, and there is no right answer, because not all people have the same amount of strength or endurance. The thing I always try to keep in mind for myself is that the depression is MY issue. I need to keep it from effecting my daughter and my husband negatively. It is OK for me to ask them to help me, occasionally, but I cannot expect them to shoulder my load every day indefinitely. Some days I have to fake a smile all day, but in the end, the smile becomes genuine when I realize how much it meant to my daughter that I smiled over the picture that she drew for me.
Fake it until you make it... There is truth to it.0 -
depression is a life-stealer.
my DH was diagnosed with major depressive disorder after he came back from a bad place that the marine corps sent him to. at first he wouldn't get help. he was ok with violent nightmares, rage, and trying to kill me in my sleep. (i wasn't ok with it, but he was.) after a couple of years, he finally cracked and ended up in the psych ward. and i had no thought of leaving. i had anger that he hadn't gotten help when he needed it, but an illness is an illness nonetheless.
treatment and meds went on for 8 months or so. we moved. he started being scary wierd. i finally rummaged through the medicine cabinet and found that he wasn't taking his meds. and that's when i decided to leave, because he voluntarily chose not to do what was best for the family. i opted out, but he opted out before i did. i didn't tell him, though. i wasn't physically able to leave, but i left in my heart.
and this made me depressed. i started going to therapy. and it rocked his world. i guess it's the first time he noticed that his actions and decisions had a huge impact on everyone else. and he decided to change.
i didn't trust him at first. it took a while for us to be a couple again. it was a lot of work and adjustment. and every day, life went on around us.
God kept us together, i can't attribute it to anything else.0 -
My OH suffers from depression, anxiety and bi-polar. He is not on meds - he gave them up and went to
naturapathy because the meds were making him worse. Some days he is pretty down but I think for the most part he either has gotten better at hiding it when hes depressed or he is getting a little better. When we met I KNEW he had these issues. I know there are good days and bad and some days talking to him in the morning will likely result in a very horrible result and other days it's fine. But through all this and everything else we never stop reminding each other that we love one another and when the bad happens we know it for what it is..it's not personal. We acknowledge it as a 'bad time' we say "I love you" and we let it go. There is nothing THAT important that I am willing to sacrifice our relationship over..admittedly if he tried to kill me in my sleep this might change a little..but you don't ever know until you are in that situation.
I'd like to think that am a firm believer in "till death do us part" and right now there is nothing that would make me consider leaving him. As long as he keeps on doing what he needs to do to stay 'healthy' everything is good. If he stops then I would think that we would have some issues. Obviously I would expect him to carry his share, and I would be hurt / upset if he chose not to but I don't know how I would react. I am a 'fixer' so I know I would try to help. I really do think that he would have to be the one to leave first because I don't think I could.0 -
Wow, your story gave me chills because it's so moving.0
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Actually, nevermind. Too personal!0
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I promised for better or for worse. I don't get to pick what "worse" is. Only death will separate my wife and I.
My Mom has stuck by my Dad through 30 years of depression, treatment and the personal toil it has taken, but she is still beside him, and he is much better now. If she left, I have no doubt he would be dead by now.0 -
Depression is a mental illness, therefore that applies to in sickness and in health. I'm sorry about your depression and what has happened. But do not carry that guilt upon yourself. You need to focus on you and what is for the better. Praying for you!0
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Leaving a partner for ANY illness, including mental illness, is not right.0
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Difficult. Because physical conditions like chronic pain can change a person's personality and make them very difficult to live with indeed. The mental health outcomes of some physical conditions can do the same, so it's not just about mental health conditions that you know about from the start.
Ultimately you have to know what you can deal with and sometimes you just can't be the person who holds the other one up indefinitely when they are not getting help and when you don't have support.0 -
I don't know - I've been on BOTH ends of this. I suffer from major depression/schicazo-effective and PTSD (mostly from childhood issues). I tried to warn my SO off, he ignored it and stuck around. At first he was supportive, then ignored it. (IF I pretend it's not happening, maybe she'll knock it off - these are HIS words). Slowly I got better, but never for long (even now). But i tried, I stepped up & got the "bread winning" job, bought the house, the cars - all while suffering and getting little from him.
Then several years later he suddenly went nuts - found out it was due to Grave's Disease. Combative, moody, angry and mean.... we fought 24/7 for months. Over the next few years he got better, but he is still emotionally vacant and unsupportive - in addition to vain, arrogant and self-centered. I understand it's part of what's wrong, but he has dumped EVERYTHING on me - the mentally unstable one. His behavior and lack of assistance has even made me give up hope of ever having a child. I can't raise two children (him & a baby).
It has crossed my to leave - several times. I'v threatened him to take his meds or else, but I stayed. It did & still continues to stress me ALOT.
But I don't know if I could leave or make him leave.0 -
To be fair, at least he tried. My ex didn't at all. He asked for a divorce 4 months after we got married, maybe 2 months after I started being depressed (situational depression in my case, due to work/school). We were together for 3 years before that. Looking back I'm glad it happened this way, but I had a few really, really bad years, and pretty much lost all my friends in that time as well (although I met my husband). But he never even tried.
I've had depressed friends too though so I get it. You can really suck the life out of the people who care about you when you're depressed though. It's hard for friends and I can't really imagine what it must be like to live with someone who is really depressed. I'm guessing at some point you just can't do it anymore.
Depression sucks.0 -
There really is no right or wrong answer to this. Every situation is different. It's sad that your marriage ended in a divorce.. It's heartbreaking you've been struggling for years... but on the other hand, as I often say... If you pour and pour into someone else's cup, with nothing in return, one day you will have nothing left to give. That sounds like what happened with your now ex. I'm not going to dive into my life, however I've struggled with depression for years but have been able to conceal it and manage it. My husband on the other hand... not so much. He can be a tough pill to swallow. So I sympathize with you AND your ex. Cancer to me is a different subject... it's life ending.0
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i did leave my husband because the words that came out of his mouth were "i'll never be honest with a therapist while we are together. i don't want you to know that side of me".
and the person he was becoming wasn't someone i could stay with without some hope of improvement...0 -
Leaving a partner for ANY illness, including mental illness, is not right.
My ex-boyfriend's depression was so awful and draining that it left me wicked depressed and borderline suicidal almost every time I spent time with him. I was dealing with him and putting up with him instead of loving him. Should I have stayed? Should I have given up all of my happiness and feeling of self-worth to be with someone who didn't show me any affection, love, or stability?
No. Absolutely not. He never struck me, but his actions and inactions cut much deeper and left me feeling like an empty, hollow shell, a remnant of who I used to be. Leaving him was the best thing I ever did for myself. He wasn't going to seek help and didn't see a need to, so how exactly was that meeting me halfway? I wasn't willing to give 100% while he gave 0%.0 -
Bump for later comment.0
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Leaving a partner for ANY illness, including mental illness, is not right.
I disagree. I feel it would be acceptable to leave my boyfriend if he was depressed constantly, and I would. I'd try to get him help first of course.0 -
I myself am on the same side of the coin as your ex. My DH has been going through your exact situation for the last 3 years. My patience through it all is the stuff of myths and legends. I love him very much, but I’ll be honest. There are times that I have thought “things would be so much easier if I was alone and didn’t have to put up with this on a daily basis.” I think the thing that a lot of people with depression don’t understand is that yes you are hurting, but your hurting hurts everyone else around you too. Especially those closest to you. Those that count on you to be a part of ‘the team’. When the team becomes very one sided; one person in the family making all the money, cleaning the house, taking care of everything that it takes to make a family run (your ex and myself), it’s hard not to resent that person as they just sit on the couch and watch you work all day and night.
Just like you said, I made the vow in sickness and in health. And I would have never left as easy as it would have been. I love my husband very much and I did the one thing that I knew I needed to do to help make him happy again. I quit my job that I loved, I moved three states away, and I left the life I’d made for myself where we were currently living. I did it because through it all. All of my anger, all of my sadness, I still love him. And we’re a team. When one member of the team is unhappy the other half has to think about sacrificing certain things in their life to make things work. I gave up some of my happiness and it’s paid off. It’s paid off 10 fold and don’t regret making that decision. I did what I needed to do to help him and save our marriage.
Depression is a difficult thing that not very many understand. Now that my DH is coming out of his depression things have turned up. He’s lost weight, he’s gotten a job (was without for nearly 8 months), and he finally gets out of the house and hangs out with friends. I hope that can happen for you.0 -
Wow that must of been so tough for you. With regards to your ex I am not sure on that one I understand in sickness and health etc but sometimes you just have to remove yourself from a relationship to be happy yourself. Do you work outside the home now? Do you find that makes a difference interacting with people?
Glad to hear you are doing better 0 -
I can understand why he wanted out-- who wants to live like that? How can you love someone like that? It's not his job to fix me, and even if it was, it obviously wasn't working.
But then there's another part of me that says, What about 'For better or for worse' and 'In sickness and health?' If it was another kind of sickness that required a lot of maintenance, would it be 'ok' to leave? Can you say to someone 'If you don't get over that cancer and be the spouse I expected, I'm gonna leave you?'
(For the record, I still struggle but am much, much better now).
I think this sums it up. I don't know him, but I would imagine it's not about NOT loving you anymore, but at some point he had to think about his own mental health and the strain all that back and forth *HAD* to put on him. How fair is it to expect him to give up his own happiness and spend the rest of his life with someone so unhappy with life.
IMO, comparing this to cancer is apples and oranges. It's just not the same thing.0 -
It sounds like he tried to help you but you werent able to help yourself. When he left it seems (at least from reading your post) that you finally were able to get your life together? Maybe him leaving was the best thing for you?0
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I have severe mental health issues, and I was the one who left. My ex was nowhere near the person I need to be around. My illness is screwing up my life- I've had two offers and been invited to two other interviews for funding for PhD places, yet I've just had to defer for a year to try and get my mind in check before I try to start my career- and my ex was going nowhere. He didn't want to do anything except sit around, play on his Playstation and spend what little money he had from JSA on Magic: The Gathering cards. Maybe he was depressed (we don't know because he outwardly refused- and continues to- to see a doctor about anything) but I did not have the strength to hold him up when I was barely standing myself.0
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I gained 100+#s because of being depressed & feeling "trapped" in a marriage where I settled because it was supposedly the right thing to do. Once I figured out I wasn't happy, I wasn't me....I ended the marriage & have taken a few years to find me...love me....and drop the weight.
I currently have a boyfriend of 2 years....we both are divorced & dealing with getting over that chip we carry....failed marriages, etc. We each have our moments, our days....but ultimately we are a team....somedays it's 50/50, others its 60/40, 20/80...but we agreed to be a team & support & encourage one another...and grow together. We put the dirt out on the table & decided to deal with it. It's hard, it's an awakening...but it's addressing issues & handling them...not walking into problems, getting hooked by supposed too's....
did you write your marriage vows? Or were they marriage vows that are "normal" ? Personal hygenie & alcohol abuse issues void out marriage vows....you have to respect yourself, than respect your partner. If there is no respect in the relationship for yourself or for him, then move on.
everyone serves a purpose in life, you live & learn & move forward. no resentment, no bitterness, but acceptance.
Good luck to you.0 -
What if the ill partner quit taking meds, over and over and over again? Preached his version of the bible to the (little) kids everyday, telling them they will burn in hell. What if he hoarded his paychecks to give to his 'church' instead of supporting his family? This went on for over 35 years before she finally told him she had enough and to get out. Sometimes, enough is enough. If they aren't willing to help themselves, maybe a time comes when you HAVE to move on for yourself.Leaving a partner for ANY illness, including mental illness, is not right.
Don't judge what you haven't gone through. You apparently have no idea.0 -
Is it any different than being married to an alcoholic or drug addict that refuses to help themselves?0
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It doesn't look like he just up and left. It seems like he tried to help for a while. Sometimes people try and once they feel they can't do any more...maybe they feel like they want to be able to be happy. I don't know that I wouldn't do the same.0
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