Bummed and venting.. (long post)

ka_42

A co-worker told me today- "you're not ever or always going to be thin, you have to make sure you're with someone who is going to be okay with that" we were talking about how I think my boyfriend is "the one"; he's my best friend. My boyfriend suggested that I lose weight and now that I've been so successful (40 pounds later) I'm doing it for me... I hope that if I gained (for a good or uncontrollable reason) that my boyfriend would stick it out with me. I know my co-worker meant well but it was kind of hurtful. Once I reach a normal weight I plan to stay there. If I get pregnant and gain weight... I will work hard and lose it, busy or not. I see other people doing it and I don't know why I couldn't. The woman who said this to me does have a weight problem and probably doesn't see the option to turn it around (other than surgery which she has already had)

I guess I should give a little background to my situation. Aaron, my boyfriend, and I had a discussion a year ago that was life changing for me. I told him that I wanted him to be happy in our relationship and asked if there was anything he felt was missing. When he told me that he wished I were thinner I was shocked. He said a lot of hurtful things that could go without saying and that I've just decided to forget about. He doesn't have a lot of experience in relationships and didn't know the right way of going about discussing such a sensitive subject. People who have always been thin don't know how hurtful weight problems can be to discuss. He explained that he wanted to be with someone who was more active and cared about being healthy. I was a smoker at the time- or a recent quitter I can't remember but I was not healthy at all. I had stated at the time that I wasn't interested in dieting or taking better care of my body- before I saw a future with this man I didn't really care about my future. I think I've made a remarkable improvement with his help. Since then I've realized that I want to be healthy, I want to lose weight and I want to do it for my future and my future family. I don't think him saying this was inappropriate or wrong but when I went to friends for advise- they did. I lost friends over this. I don't even discuss my boyfriend at all with one of my friends because she thinks I shouldn't be with him and that he's a big jerk. My friends thought I should dump my boyfriend..

So.. is he the one.. is he going to freak out if I have a child and can't lose pregnancy weight? Anyone's thoughts or experience?
Thanks for letting me vent.. it's been a rough day and I feel much better already.

lick25

There's a saying about "the truth hurts" and you can always rely on those who are closest to you to tell you the truth. If they won't say it to you then who will?

I've asked my husband to be completey honest with me if he ever has a problem with anything and I expect him to keep to it. He say's he doesn't care if I put weight on but it would also be nice if I was a bit slimmer so I thought that was a very diplomatic way of telling me!!!!

As long as you and your boyfriend are always honest with each other then you'll be happy and as long as you know he never meant to hurt you then thats ok :-)

Don't worry about your friends. They'll come around. As for wondering about if your boyfriend would stay with you if you ever gained again, talk to him about your concerns and ask him to be honest with you. You can't go through life worrrying all the time as stress is not good for your body.

I hope this helps a little :-) And good luck with your continued aim for a healthier life :-)

Ashia1317

Wow. um . . . . Interesting.

Please don't take offense to this, but then why is he with you now? He should love you for no matter how tall, thin, heavy, sloppy, neat, etc . . . . . Love takes on all shapes and sizes - and just because your "thin" doesn't mean your healthy. And just because your heavy doesn't mean your unhealthy. There's pear shapes, stick shapes, curvy women, flat chested women . . . . I just find this a shock.

So much pressure is put on us women to be these pent house objects for men - when in reality, not ALL of us can be Beyonce or Pam Anderson. That's fantasy. What should be more important is that you take care of yourself and you do the best you can. I applaud you for doing it for yourself. And I can understand him for wanting you to be heathly, but thin? How thin? And at what cost to your dignity?

As for your co-worker, jealousy itself can take all shapes and sizes as well. Look at your journey! Don't let people be negative. You have done wonderful!!!

You are beautiful no matter what weight you are. Keep smiling. I hope all works out for you, but most of all I hope you reach your goals for yourself and your pride.

I wish you the best in LIFE and LOVE :flowerforyou:

bksteve26

Kim-

I have read a few of your posts before and I must say, I think you need to rethink your current situation. I know this is probably a hard thing for you to hear considering you have heard it from your friends before and probably turned to MFP to hear different answers than they gave, but i think they may be right. I'm very glad that you are maintaining a healthy body/mind now, and if it's due to your boyfriend being honest with you then that is great. However, if you were to get pregnant and couldnt get the weight off, i don't think he would leave you, but i do think he would treat you like ****. You need someone who is going to love you for who you are. Asking your girlfriend to be more active, healthier, and quit smoking and start exercising is fine...asking your girlfriend to lose weight is not. especially if your picture is only 40 lbs less than what you weighed...you couldn't possibly have been that big. I'm worried that you are never going to see what you are worth...perhaps the weight loss will help with that. Having a poor self image is common for young females, but you do not need to settle. Every post i've read so far has made me want to yell at you to leave this douche. He says hurtful things to you, doesnt change, doesnt compromise, and never considers apologizing or trying to spare your feelings. I know that telling someone to leave is a lot easier said than done, but it might be about time for you to take some time for you. What has he been doing to help you along with your healthy journey? Has he made any changes according to what you think you would want out of him? 40 lbs is a lot of hard work and i would hate to see it go to waste. Has he been happier and nicer to you since the loss? And has he been supportive? These are all things you need to take into consideration. You deserve someone who is going to rock your world with love and kindness and support in all areas of your life. Someone who is going to want to be around you and see a future with you, not just you seeing a future with him. And more importantly, before finding someone who possesses these qualities you need to find yourself. You need to be able to love yourself, thin or fat, for who you are. Realize that you're worth it and that you deserve the best. I had a boyfriend for 4 years. We recently broke up about 11 months ago, my doing, and it sucks yes, but it was worth it. And he was the best boyfriend ever! I couldn't have asked for anyone better, but i didnt love myself enough yet, so i let him go. Sometimes it has to be done. And you will have people there for you along the way. It is a tough decision and ultimately up to you, not me, or your friends, but i would definitely weight the pros and cons and actually be honest with yourself this time. Hope this helps.

Brittany*

crystal_sapphire

So.. is he the one.. is he going to freak out if I have a child and can't lose pregnancy weight? Anyone's thoughts or experience?
Thanks for letting me vent.. it's been a rough day and I feel much better already.

I really think this is something you need to discuss with him. Bluntly ask him if he won't love you/find you sexy/whatever if you have issues losing weight after pregnancy? And to be honest, he needs to know that a woman's body does change after pregnancy, even if you do lose all the weight.

Congrats on the 40 lbs loss already. that's awesome!

crystal_sapphire

Kim-
Asking your girlfriend to be more active, healthier, and quit smoking and start exercising is fine...asking your girlfriend to lose weight is not. especially if your picture is only 40 lbs less than what you weighed...you couldn't possibly have been that big. I'm worried that you are never going to see what you are worth...perhaps the weight loss will help with that. Having a poor self image is common for young females, but you do not need to settle. Every post i've read so far has made me want to yell at you to leave this douche. He says hurtful things to you, doesnt change, doesnt compromise, and never considers apologizing or trying to spare your feelings. I know that telling someone to leave is a lot easier said than done, but it might be about time for you to take some time for you. What has he been doing to help you along with your healthy journey? Has he made any changes according to what you think you would want out of him? 40 lbs is a lot of hard work and i would hate to see it go to waste. Has he been happier and nicer to you since the loss? And has he been supportive? These are all things you need to take into consideration. You deserve someone who is going to rock your world with love and kindness and support in all areas of your life. Someone who is going to want to be around you and see a future with you, not just you seeing a future with him. And more importantly, before finding someone who possesses these qualities you need to find yourself. You need to be able to love yourself, thin or fat, for who you are. Realize that you're worth it and that you deserve the best. I had a boyfriend for 4 years. We recently broke up about 11 months ago, my doing, and it sucks yes, but it was worth it. And he was the best boyfriend ever! I couldn't have asked for anyone better, but i didnt love myself enough yet, so i let him go. Sometimes it has to be done. And you will have people there for you along the way. It is a tough decision and ultimately up to you, not me, or your friends, but i would definitely weight the pros and cons and actually be honest with yourself this time. Hope this helps.

Brittany*

I don't know the history of these posts since I just returned to MFP after leaving for nearly a year, but if this is true, I completely agree with everything you said

lick25

Brittany - wow you're really good at advise. Now I feel like mine was really bad!!! I was trying to help but now feel like I might've hindered instead!!!

Kim - definitely take Brittany's advise and think seriously about all the points she raised as they are all very good :-)

iplayoutside19

I haven't read any of you other posts. However, I do know one thing.

I have been married, or dating my wife for 10 years. In that time both of our bodies have gone through a lot of changes. Both of us since joining this website are in our best shape since HS.

However, We have never had a discussion about the other persons weight that, that person didn't start. Is your BF going to look at you the same after the toll two children take on your body? If you talk to him about that he says "As long as you try to lose the weight afterwards" He's not the one. You should run away, and make-up with your freind and co-worker. Because he's just looking for someone to control, no love.

MyKidzMom

Kim-

I have read a few of your posts before and I must say, I think you need to rethink your current situation. I know this is probably a hard thing for you to hear considering you have heard it from your friends before and probably turned to MFP to hear different answers than they gave, but i think they may be right. I'm very glad that you are maintaining a healthy body/mind now, and if it's due to your boyfriend being honest with you then that is great. However, if you were to get pregnant and couldnt get the weight off, i don't think he would leave you, but i do think he would treat you like ****. You need someone who is going to love you for who you are. Asking your girlfriend to be more active, healthier, and quit smoking and start exercising is fine...asking your girlfriend to lose weight is not. especially if your picture is only 40 lbs less than what you weighed...you couldn't possibly have been that big. I'm worried that you are never going to see what you are worth...perhaps the weight loss will help with that. Having a poor self image is common for young females, but you do not need to settle. Every post i've read so far has made me want to yell at you to leave this douche. He says hurtful things to you, doesnt change, doesnt compromise, and never considers apologizing or trying to spare your feelings. I know that telling someone to leave is a lot easier said than done, but it might be about time for you to take some time for you. What has he been doing to help you along with your healthy journey? Has he made any changes according to what you think you would want out of him? 40 lbs is a lot of hard work and i would hate to see it go to waste. Has he been happier and nicer to you since the loss? And has he been supportive? These are all things you need to take into consideration. You deserve someone who is going to rock your world with love and kindness and support in all areas of your life. Someone who is going to want to be around you and see a future with you, not just you seeing a future with him. And more importantly, before finding someone who possesses these qualities you need to find yourself. You need to be able to love yourself, thin or fat, for who you are. Realize that you're worth it and that you deserve the best. I had a boyfriend for 4 years. We recently broke up about 11 months ago, my doing, and it sucks yes, but it was worth it. And he was the best boyfriend ever! I couldn't have asked for anyone better, but i didnt love myself enough yet, so i let him go. Sometimes it has to be done. And you will have people there for you along the way. It is a tough decision and ultimately up to you, not me, or your friends, but i would definitely weight the pros and cons and actually be honest with yourself this time. Hope this helps.

Brittany*

Wow, Brittany.....you are good. I have been in Kim's place before but with a different outcome I think. Make's one think for sure. Kim, I am not saying break up with your boyfriend, I am saying I would follow Brittany's advice. Take care!

ka_42

Brittany- Thanks for taking the time to consider my well being. I'm not sure what previous posts you're speaking of. Perhaps you're thinking of someone else. Maybe I just make my boyfriend sound bad... sometimes I forget to say the good things. I am definitely guilty of that. Aaron was with me in the first place because.. and I quote "I'm beautiful" Trust me... I have asked many times why he would have even considered me if weight were such a problem. I think that it came off as hurtful in the beginning because I was ignoring my body and not taking care of it or caring what it looked like. Plus he has treated me like a princess since the day we met. He brings me flowers, tells me he loves me and makes me feel better after a long day everyday. There are bad days but we live together and it's hard to spend THAT much time with another person-- not every minute can be amazing. I respect that he was honest with me.

Ashia1317 - Thanks for your advise... I do think I should be loved for who I am. I think I am being loved for who I am. My boyfriend doesn't expect me to look like Pamela Anderson... he just wants me to be able to go hiking with him and enjoy the same things he does.

Maybe I opened up a can of worms... I guess I thought this was more of an open and shut case. Maybe I was just looking for what I wanted to hear like some of you said. I mostly just wanted to know that my co-worker was wrong and that with hard work and dedication I can be happy with my weight and not "overweight" for the rest of my life.

cbnorris

I have mixed feeling about this because I was in a very similar situation not too long ago. Part of me gets it. You asked his opinion, he gave it to you. He didn't say he would stop loving you if you didn't. The other part of me thinks it's insensitive you should tell him you'd like him better if his penis was bigger.

I dunno, I mean, you started dating someone, they gain 15 pounds the first year, then another 15 pounds the next and so on and so forth. Where does it end? If I could look to the future, certainly wouldn't want to date someone to wind up with them gaining 100 lbs and I can;t expect my partner not to feel the same. There are somethings you CAN change about yourself and your weight is one of them. We owe it to OURSELVES to look the best we can so we feel our best physically and have self esteem,

themethod

Here's my two cents... If your boyfriend is more concerned with you being healthy and being able to enjoy life with him and possibly have children with him in the future, he's a good guy who has your best interests at heart. I had a customer in here just yesterday talking about how she and her husband have been fly fishing together for over 30 years and how that has deepened their relationship and probably saved their marriage. Being active and health conscious together is an important aspect of a successful partnership. If, however, he simply wants you to look better because he dislikes the way you looked before or is less attracted to you, then he is most definitely not the one. And, although he does do lots of nice things (which typically we neglect to mention, we only bring up the bad stuff), I do find that in both of your posts in this thread you made lots of excuses for him.

Like a few of the others, I have been there before. And the fact that my boyfriend spoke to me several times about his desire for me to lose weight (when I was approximately the same size I am now), I should have known what was coming. The first couple of years he was the most wonderful man on Earth: flowers, flattery, surprises, "I love yous," vacations, trips to meet the family, etc. After he knew he had me hooked and mind-f*cked, he turned into the most controlling human being I have ever met. I left the relationship completely broken, feeling I had wasted almost 7 years of my life and that I was so worthless no one would ever want to be with me again.

I'm a healthier person now, mentally and physically, because in addition to getting my body healthy I have been working on my mind. Take a step back from the situation and ask yourself two things:

1. If my best friend was in this same relationship, what advice would I give her regarding a person who treated her this way?
2. Feelings aren't facts. What are the facts of the situation and how would I view them if my feelings weren't involved?

The heart is amazing in it's ability to heal itself. Don't be afraid to talk with him because you're worried about hurting feelings (his or yours). Feelings are not facts. You won't die if you argue or disagree. Healthy discussions are necessary in any relationship.

ETA: The man in my life now, while not perfect, would never say anything to me regarding my weight. When he saw that I was losing, he congratulated me, said he was proud of me for accomplishing a goal, but that it wouldn't make a difference either way in his attraction to me and it wouldn't influence his decision if he was considering whether or not to continue our relationship. Those are examples of healthy thoughts for a partner to have and to express.

FabiolaEnvy♥

i agree with brittney and the last post

you are very lovely and if a guy is concern about your weight and health issues, means he really cares about you. and the fact that he treats you like a princess is even better


all i gotta say, are you happy being with him?
it doesnt matter what your friends or co-workers says cause they only see from one side not both side.

and you here in the middle confuse.

also if you have second thoughts(doubt) that you should break up with him... then you will want to rethink that cause, he might not be the one(or he could be).

but it what makes you happy and how you feel about him when you are around him

also you should also talk to him about it, about what had happened. maybe he will understand or wouldnt it never hurts to talk about something like this especially if you are concern or worried or even confused

AnneElise

I don't know the situation very well but i do have an opinion on it

As long as your guy didn't put you down for your weight or doesn't put you down for your looks then I don't think there is anything wrong with him telling you he wanted you to be healthier. You asked him right? That just means that he wanted the relationship with you to work out. He loves YOU but he wanted something out of a life partner that you wern't giving him... it seems fair to me. He wants you to be healthy. He wanted to improve the relationship.

I don't think he would care if you had pregnancy weight as long as you still tried to be healthy, did fun active things with him and future children, and were a loving mother to the kids.

I think a lot of problems with relationships today is that we tip-toe around issues that we have. NOW do i understand it probably hurt your feelings when he said it.... yup. would have hurt mine too BUT are you happier now? Did it end up helping you?

NOW i want to add that if he ever puts you down and is disrespectful i take back everything i said

Best of luck

MercuryBlue

A lot of people are putting down your boyfriend but at the end of the day, they weren't there for the conversation so we have to trust that you'll make the right decision based on what happened. YOU were there, you know his intentions when he said it.

My husband told me a few months ago, "You need to lose weight." Flat out, blunt. When I became upset he explained, "I will love you regardless of how big you get. No matter what your size. But the fact is, when you're heavier, you don't feel good about yourself. You become miserable, depressed, and aren't any fun to be around. When you're thin, you're happy and full of life. You take pleasure in doing things with me like hiking or golfing- and as a result, we're happier together as a couple."

The point he was making was that I was a different person heavy than I was thin. And it had nothing to do with APPEARANCE and everything to do with ATTITUDE. My husband could be with me if I were bigger- but he can't guarantee he'll stick around long term if I'm a perpetually miserable, cranky person who won't do anything with him like we used to.

And, could you blame him?

Those words really made me realize, he was right. It hurt to hear but I NEEDED to hear it. I realized how unhappy I'd been and how it affected not just me, but the people around me. I'm GLAD he said it. He's so full of praise, and happy that I've accomplished so much. And I know that if I get big again, he'll still be there.... but that things will go back to how they were before because *I* wont' be happy.



My point is that what your boyfriend said may have sounded harsh, but he may have had the best intentions. Or, he may have just been acting like an a-hole. I wasn't there, so I don't know. You have to look within yourself and decide if this relationship is worth holding onto because it's YOUR relationship.

kimber607

I'm torn
I'm curious why your friends don't like him, or suggested dumping him....was it 'only' because of the comment regarding your weight?
I have been with my DH since I was 16 and have had my ups and downs with my weight and he has never ever ever commented on it...and even when I asked his opinion, never said anything negative or that he wished I looked a certain way

I do have one friend who since day 1 with her bf..who later became her DH was over-weight
He has called her names, commented on her weight continuously through their relationship and after having kids....it has caused HUGE issues in their relationship and has really damaged her self -esteem
I have no clue why he was with her in the first place if her weight was such an issue for him and the comments etc became more hurtful and more frequent as their relationship progressed...

I with u the best and I think we all have the best intentions to stay healthy and continue to stay fit even after pg etc but the reality is you don't know what will happen health wise in the future and u need to feel confident that he will love u, be attracted to you NO MATTER what

Only you know his true intentions/feelings

Kim

weidner

WOW!!!! This is getting serious here on MFP!!!!

I feel that I have to add and if I don't it will bother me so...

1. You are 22 years old - and quite beautiful - don't ever forget that.

2. At the age of 22, I was engaged to my husband and I weighed 114 pounds and was five feet seven inches; he was six feet and probably 135 pounds (dripping wet) - after three wonderful, beautiful and healthy boys 26 years later, my hubby is still six feet and 160 pounds (perfect weight), me well prior to joining MFP I was at my highest, 205 pounds!!!! I have a terrible family history, I was teetering on the verge of diabiates and encountering a whole slew of medical problems; and I hated being as large as I was because I did not want to make love because I was self concsious! My husband looked at me one day and said "Honey, you have to do something, you are not happy, but most importantly, I don't want to lose you.

3. There are ways to tell people you love things without hurting their feelings; my fear for you is this, how many relationships have you been in? Have you ever had to tell him something that might hurt his feelings and if so, how long did you think about it prior to telling him? I can guarantee you that when you told him it did not hurt his feelings; because you would NEVER hurt his feelings.

4. Getting pregnant does not mean that you will get FAT; I work out on a daily basis these days and I can't tell you how many pregnant women I see at the gym working out. Being pregnant today is not like it was 26 years ago, everyone understands that becoming pregnant is not all about eating everything in site, it is about making healthy choices for you and the baby.

I think you need to sit down and really think about these here; so are way too young to be letting some guy dictate to you about anything. If he cannot love and respect you for who you are and however much you weigh, then he will not love and respect you when you are thin, it will be just something else that he gets into his head and wants to change about you.

What made me really want to post on this subject is your response to the blog about how nice he is, etc., after almost every reply was to pick yourself up and move on...your response sounded like the typical batter wife's response - it was scary to me. I think there may be more going on here than you are willing to admit at this point and time.

Please be careful and listen to your heart. This is not meant to be mean or anything else - this is meant to help you figure some things out in your life.

Take care please continue on your healthy lifestyle.

ka_42

I did a lot of thinking on this topic last night and had a long talk with my boyfriend. I asked him "If I gain weight back- the weight I lost - because of pregnancy or just get off the wagon are you still going to be happy with me?" His response was something like this... Of course! I love you now and will only love you more especially if you're carrying my child. That is an amazing thing..

Yes- I felt the need to defend my boyfriend when all of the responses I got from my post were so negative. I felt like those who responded didn't understand. I am shocked to think that one of you thought I sounded like a battered wife... WOW! One response said that not all thin people are healthy and not all bigger people aren't. That is not my case... I WAS unhealthy. I was obese. Maybe some day I'll wish I would have listened and maybe some of you were right.... but as others of you said- I was there for the conversation and I know that he meant well. Thank you MercuryBlue... I was unhappy the way you were although my boyfriend hadn't seen me as happy as I could be, yet. I am glad I was able to make the change to be more happy and healthy and I know I wouldn't have without a push from my boyfriend. I know that it was scary for him to know that I was so unhappy in my body and felt there was no way to change the way I looked. He never talked about my size with any negative condintation. I talked about my weight as if it was a fact- "I will never be able to wear that cute dress... I'll always be big". I was striving to gain attention from men (before him) and just ended up getting myself into situations where I didn't belong. I know now there isn't only one way to express affection for someone. I have been overweight since puberty. I really didn't know I could live or look any other way. I'm seeing my body change now and trying to learn to be happy with it and not so self conscious.

Honestly- do you think your boyfriends/husbands are 100% satisfied with your bodies. I think it's crazy to think that men AND women out there don't wish their partner would lose a little weight. I know I prefer a skinnier man. Although, I do think it was more than that in my situation.. I think my boyfriend was genuinely concerned for my well being. I should have said "friend" in my post instead of friends.... I have had a problem with one friend since the issue surfaced. My best friend. Her and her partner both have huge weight problems... I know that her partner isn't satisfied with the way she looks so she says she doesn't have a problem with him watching porn, etc. for that reason- To fulfill his "man needs" I was very hurt when I came to her about my situation. Her seeing how hurt I was and her own situation are what allowed her to decide Aaron wasn't good for me. I see why she came to that conclusion--- but I wouldn't want the relationship she has, so, I can only assume that it works for her and that I need something different. I need to feel like I can satisfy my man.. not that someone in a video is what he prefers.

After our long talk last night I feel confident that he's in it for the long haul. Both of us have our speculations- as anyone would. A lot of speculation is because most of the relationships I and my boyfriend have had a chance to see evolve over the course of our lives have ended for one reason or another... divorce is everywhere and I can't predict the future. All we can do is hope that it will work out. I have been happy since the day we met. (We talked online first- that's how we met) and I really wouldn't wish my previous lifestyle on my worst enemy.

Thank you all again for your responses. I appreciate them weather they are what I wanted to hear or not. Mostly, thank you for listening... sometimes I need more ears!

ka_42

I don't know the situation very well but i do have an opinion on it

As long as your guy didn't put you down for your weight or doesn't put you down for your looks then I don't think there is anything wrong with him telling you he wanted you to be healthier. You asked him right? That just means that he wanted the relationship with you to work out. He loves YOU but he wanted something out of a life partner that you wern't giving him... it seems fair to me. He wants you to be healthy. He wanted to improve the relationship.

I don't think he would care if you had pregnancy weight as long as you still tried to be healthy, did fun active things with him and future children, and were a loving mother to the kids.

I think a lot of problems with relationships today is that we tip-toe around issues that we have. NOW do i understand it probably hurt your feelings when he said it.... yup. would have hurt mine too BUT are you happier now? Did it end up helping you?

NOW i want to add that if he ever puts you down and is disrespectful i take back everything i said

Best of luck

I AM happier now. Thank you so much.. He does say often he thinks I'm going to be a great mother! and I think you're right.. if I'm active and stay happy like I am now, I don't see any problems in the future. He has my best interest at heart. :flowerforyou: