"I don't have time and I have medical issue."

FitBlackChick

"I have poly- cystic ovaries which means thyroid issues... According to medical research it is 10% harder for people with pcos to lose weight because of all the internal issues."

A friend of mine told me that this, accompanied by the fact that she has a lot of commitments such as work and uni, is the reason why she can't make the commitment to lose weight. I don't know how to tell her that these aren't problems that no one else faces without offending her. She is less than 20 years old and has quite a substantial amount of weight to lose, and I'm worried that if she doesnt fix it now, she never will. But weightloss is SUCH a touchy subject for her, as it is I suppose for most people. Does anyone have any advice about how to approach the subject without being offensive or sounding critical?

deadmittens

Tell her to quit making her darn excuses and get to the gym.


No really, tell her that if you don't try you won't succeed.

chymerra

you can tell her all you want but until she really wants to, she won`t do it and won`t commit.

LoraF83

you can tell her all you want but until she really wants to, she won`t do it and won`t commit.

This. Just keep doing your thing, being a positive (if silent) influence. When she's ready, she'll let you know.

katedevall

you can tell her all you want but until she really wants to, she won`t do it and won`t commit.

^^ this

tabinmaine

Why worry about it.....this is YOUR journey, not hers. She will make the choice to get healthy or not. You do NOT need anyone with you along for the ride..... its your body

Weighinginwithmy02

you can tell her all you want but until she really wants to, she won`t do it and won`t commit.

^^ this

I wrote a blog post about this a few years back. You already KNOW it's sensitive for her. What exactly do you think you're going to say that she doesn't already know. And you have no idea what's going on in her head.

http://sarahsweightlossjourneyblog.blogspot.nl/2007/05/wanna-plan-fat-intervention-with-loved.html

Yet again another message board inspired post here. But this one is a bit different as this is something that has happened to me personally. A loving Uncle once cornered me (we were in the car I believe) when he decided to tell me that I needed to lose weight. Without reliving that extremely uncomfortable situation all over again I will simply tell you how I feel about "fat person" interventions. When planning one of these "we have to save her before she kills herself" interventions please keep some of the things below in mind.

What do you think you're going to tell her (or him, or me, or whoever) that she doesn't already know? Chances are she knows she has a weight problem. Chances are she's probably tried every diet imaginable even if you don't realize she's dieting.

Chances are she's probably aware of the health issues she could be facing. She's probably afraid for her health herself. You'd have to be living in a cave not to know about how dangerous it is to your health to be overweight. It's on every magazine, every TV show, every radio station... she knows it. She may have even thought about having weight loss surgery. It's a thought that went through my head about half a million times while in my 20's.

How do you think she'll feel once you try talking to her about an issue that she probably feels like she cannot control? Chances are she'll feel attacked. If this is a multi-person intervention she may become paranoid that you guys are talking about her behind her back. Then she'll feel resentful of you for butting your nose into her life. She'll take it very personal...then again, who wouldn't?

Then after a while she'll feel bad about herself because she knows your right. She'll probably be embarrassed of herself. She'll feel weak, out of control, unable to get a grip. She'll be so sad and disappointed in herself. She'll probably say more hurtful things to herself then you can ever imagine. (she may even say these before your intervention). Things like "How can you be so fat? How can you be so disgusting? God, even your _____ thinks your fat! You're sick."

She'll feel alone and helpless, even though the solution seems so simple.(re-read my August 2006 blog "it's more than a+b = for me" post for more on this) Then she'll eat food to comfort herself...starting a whole cycle all over again.

The bottom line is there is nothing you can do to push your loved one into losing weight as it is something she has to do for herself. She's going to have to hit her own "rock bottom" before she'll really make a change. Like an alcoholic until she treats her weight and eating habits as an actual problem then there isn't a whole lot you can do for her.

I don't know one single over weight person who has ever said "until my sister/mom/uncle/friend sat and talked to me about my weight issues I didn't realize I had a problem and that's what made me change my ways."

I know it's hard to sit and watch your family members make bad decisions that effect their health and life but you have to realize you can't control what she does. It is out of your hands.

I know a lot of people who will say "I don't care if it hurts her feelings, maybe that's what she needs... some tough love". Again, she is probably tougher on herself than any tough love you think you can dish out. If you really don't care if you hurt her feelings then go ahead with your intervention... but don't be surprised when it's met with less than open arms.

It is very difficult to do but you have to remember that she's an adult responsible for her own actions. Sometimes you have to let people make their own mistakes no matter how badly it hurts you to see it happen. We all grow up and face reality in our own time. Until then the best thing you can do is be our friend.

graceylou222

Maybe after she sees your progression and how happy working out and being healthier makes you,she will want to join.. I was influenced by a friend! And I had the same attitude as your friend.. (no medical issue) But I am a very busy gal, work and school full time. But one day it hit me! I HAD to get my butt in shape!

TavistockToad

you can tell her all you want but until she really wants to, she won`t do it and won`t commit.

this!

send her the link to MFP, but after that you cant do anything!

newdaydawning79

I have friends like this. Usually it's not just regarding weight loss though, they have a reason for not doing *anything* to better themselves. Like someone said above she won't do it until she's good and ready to, so you keep rocking it out and let her see how you CAN fit it in if you want to!

sevsmom

Be an encourager when the opportunity presents itself. Don't force information on her. . .she'll just resent it. When she asks things like "how do you have the time?" or "what do you eat". etc etc, share with her how you make hard choices. . .getting up an hour early. . .prepping healthy foods/snacks in adavance. . .whatever strategies are working for you, and then be willing to help her out IF SHE ASKS. Otherwise, just sit tight and be a friend.

drchimpanzee

I can't speak about the medical side of it, but from a time perspective I remember always saying, "I don't have time," also. One day I cut off my cable. Suddenly I seemed to have time. Now the is the first question I ask people who say they don't have time is, "What did you watch on TV last night?"

andrea464

Seeing other peoples successes, especially those who have faced similar battles- that really motivates me. Seeing other women with PCOS who have lost weight and seeing their before and after pics- total motivation. Seeing people who started out weighing more than I did who are at healthy weights now motivates me. Seeing pics of people with RA who have lost weight or have strong muscles- that motivates me.

Offer to show her some pictures. Just start it out with "Hey, check out this women who got super healthy. Look at these pics- I love it! I can't wait to post my own before and after pics!" or something non-confrontational. Like someone else said- until she wants it she will shut you down, but continue to be there and support her, encourage her and don't give up on her.

Krys_140

Yeah, there isn't a DARN thing you can say that will make her take better care of herself. You just keep doing what you're doing to take care of yourself, and maybe you will inspire her.

She's likely feeling guilty already for not working harder to lose weight, and whenever anyone mentions it, she gets defensive (just like she's doing in her own mind to herself).

Take care of you, and she may just follow.

christabel6

I have a friend with PCOS and thyroid problems who has a host of other physical issues stemming from being hit by a car as a teenager, which mean that she can't exercise in the way that most people can. And she is still determined to do CV where she can and eat the right food... although it is a lot harder for her to lose weight.

So I think your friend has a point and she's probably already tried and failed several times, which is why she's oversensitive. If you keep prodding her to lose weight she'll just stop talking to you about it altogether. Best to wait until she raises the subject again, don't tell her how to live her life and find out as much as you can about her physical health issues before giving advice - no matter how frustrating to watch, you're not in the same situation and it IS harder for her.

AthenaErr

Her weight her choices, unless she gives you an opening there isnt anything you can say

hope516

My highest weight was 378, and looking back I never understood why anyone who cared for me didn't sit me down and shove a picture of myself in my face. I know in the moment I would have been hurt and probably even mad at them. But I really needed it. HOWEVER, there are only certain people I would have taken that tough love from. I would just analyze your relationship with this person and see if you are really close eough to have this kind of talk with her or not. But in the end it really doesn't matter, no one is going to do this until they are ready. Just stick to your goals and hopefully you will start to rub off on her. I know I have inspired a lot of people at work. Good luck

smantha32

you can tell her all you want but until she really wants to, she won`t do it and won`t commit.

yup. this

cubbies77

I have PCOS and insulin resistance, which makes it really, really tough to lose weight. I've lost just shy of 60 pounds since last May. It's hard, and it takes a lot of dedication. She should see her doctor so he can check her for the various metabolic disorders that come with PCOS. I'm on metformin, and it helps *tremendously*. Also, now that I'm on medication, have adjusted my diet, and am losing weight, the insulin resistance shouldn't turn into diabetes down the road.

It's up to her, though. Friends and family harassed me, pleaded with me, and tried to intervene nicely over the years. No matter how well-intentioned they were and how nicely they put it, it made me feel even worse about myself, which would send me into a week-long binge. I had to make the decision on my own. I work full-time and go to school full-time, but I still make the time to improve my health. It's just that important.

If she mentions it again, you can tell you know some people on this site who are losing with PCOS and point her toward MFP. There are several support groups full of women who've lost anywhere from 10 - 200 pounds.

joeysox

i hear these excuses all the time and when i first thought of my weight i used similar i think we all do at some point! When people say it to me i always say, if you want it bad enough you will do it i work full time/ mum/full time uni student/wife etc i manage there is no such thing as not enough time you make time for what is important! i just politely say it upsets me that you are so down about your weight but i can not help/support if you do not commit and it is hard to continually hear about it x

fit4lifeUcan2

I agree with all of the responses. When someone makes excuse after excuse, no matter what their excuse is, its still an excuse. This is their way of saying I don't want to do it or I'm not ready to do it. Either way they're not ready and there isn't anything you can say or do to change their mind. Except to say maybe when your ready let me know and I'll be more than happy to help you out.

I have MS, Fibro, RA, hip and back problems and I didn't let any of that stop me. I'm also a full time college student with 3 kids. I have massive fatigue and weakness that I have to fight through every single day. None of this stopped me. No one pushed me or encouraged me to try and lose weight. I just got sick of my reflection in the mirror and knew this wasn't what I want and it certainly wasn't helping all of my medical issues.

Just be there for her when she's ready and help her if she asks.

Unknown

This content has been removed.

LauraJo08

"I have poly- cystic ovaries which means thyroid issues... According to medical research it is 10% harder for people with pcos to lose weight because of all the internal issues."

A friend of mine told me that this, accompanied by the fact that she has a lot of commitments such as work and uni, is the reason why she can't make the commitment to lose weight. I don't know how to tell her that these aren't problems that no one else faces without offending her. She is less than 20 years old and has quite a substantial amount of weight to lose, and I'm worried that if she doesnt fix it now, she never will. But weightloss is SUCH a touchy subject for her, as it is I suppose for most people. Does anyone have any advice about how to approach the subject without being offensive or sounding critical?

Maybe you can talk a little about MyFitnesspal and how it is such a good support system in your health and fitness goals. Also, you can tell her that PCOS is not a "fat" sentence. I have PCOS even at a healthy weight, and that does not keep me from working out and being able to lose weight when I eat healthfully.

MRMCCRACKEN

I agree with all who say she will have to be ready. BUT MFP does help and might not be a bad direction to point her in. Let her be inspired by your success on MFP.

lbesaw

You're walking a thin line. I know how frustrating it can be BUT your friend obviously is "there" yet. She will have to make the decisiona and commitment to do something about her weight eventually. We all have busy lives----funny how we always can make time for the things we consider priorities........She will make the time when she becomes important enough to herself and nothing you can say or do in the meantime is going to help..Take care of you and just maybe you will inspire her to change.

MinnieInMaine

Yeah, unfortunately this is a touchy subject. She knows she's big and she knows she needs to lose weight and the excuses are just her way of dealing with it because she's not willing to change her lifestyle. Been there, done that! It's a tough thing to talk about but since you guys are on the subject, I think you may have an opening to make a few comments...

Are you usually quite honest with your friends? I am so they expect things like this from me. Can't help it, I'm just the kind of person who feels it's better to say what I think and help the people I care about than keep quiet and wish they'd find a better way. Most of the time though I'll try to preface it with something like "do you want to hear what I think?" or "are you venting or would you like my advice?".

Here's what I think.... Being busy sucks. So maybe she can't exercise but she could improve her diet which would start the weight loss process. And plenty of people with PCOS lose the weight, it just takes a bit longer. That sucks too but better a slow loss than no loss or worse, continue gaining! There is a group for PCOS women here on MFP and maybe the extra support from people who know what she's going through is just what she needs.

Just remember not to take it personally if she doesn't take your advice and keeps making excuses. Some people just can't see through it and prefer complaining to actually doing something. Be a good friend and keep encouraging and supporting her. Hopefully she'll get her head in the right place sooner than later.

Southernb3lle

She is only making excuses for herself. I know this cause I have done it myself. I suffer from Hypothyroidism and yes, it does suck and it is a challenge but if you want it bad enough you will try. For years I used the excuse that I was just too tired that I hurt too much. etc. But I was only getting heavier and more unhealthy day by day. I have to tell you that if she were to start exercising she would feel a ton better. The exercise, for myself, has actually made me feel good and feel like I have MORE energy. She may be busy but there is a way to take just 10 minutes out of her day to simply take a walk or whatever. Maybe one day she will decide to do something about it.

ChristinaR720

I agree with the previous posters who said that your friend won't make the change until she wants to and is ready to commit.

But, I also want to add that, because you have not experienced the medical issues your friend is dealing with, it may not be your place to judge her. I have Lupus, and I have been working really hard to lose this weight. It has not been easy at all and I have many limitations due to my medical issues. I honestly have more bad days than good. Lupus is sometimes referred to as an invisible disease. Other people don't see the chronic pain and other issues, but I feel and experience it all.

Continue being her friend and supporting her through her ups and downs. When you get together, try cooking healthy meals for her or taking her to healthy restaurants where you can introduce her to healthier foods. Go grocery shopping together, and seeing the healthy foods in your cart may inspire her to try some of those healthy foods as well.

Whatever you do, don't force it on her and don't just dismiss what she is saying and going through as excuses. Her battles are very real and it's important for her to know that you understand and are there for her.

PaigeAnderson100

It's sad that she is making these excuses for herself despite knowing what needs to be done with her weight.
I guess, if I were you, I wouldn't have anything to do with it. She is making the excuses; not following through... why should you have to help her in any way? I know that she is your friend and she wants to lose the weight but, if she can't follow through and make a point of doing it than she isn't in it for the long term goals like you are.

Next time you guys are planning on going to the gym and she tells you that it is harder for her to lose weight, tell her- "I guess you will just need to work harder than". When she says all of her medical issues and tells you that she doesn't think she can lose the weight because of all of them, tell her- "YOU have to want this badly enough to push through the medical issues and open up to the idea of losing weight."

It sounds to me like she WANTS to lose the weight but, she doesn't want to work out or try doing a healthier lifestyle. Maybe you can explain how she sounds...

chercee

It's hard when medical issues get in the way of life goals. As someone with severe endometriosis, I get this. I quit working out about 2 years ago, because every time I tried, I would spend 2 days in bed recovering from the pain. It wasn't until I got int touch with fellow sufferers, got some info on safe exercises, and figured out how to work with what I had, that I was able to commit to the process. Maybe this is what your friend needs.

I would definitely suggest continuing to be a good example, but be a quiet one. No matter what the subject, no one likes someone getting in their face. Her weight is her business, not yours; if you tell her things like "work harder" she's only going to resent you, and probably eat her feelings to boot.

If she gets to the point that she's ready, she should work with her dr to ensure she's doing everything safely and in a way that works best with her illness(es). That will not only benefit her overall health, but will maybe help her to make real progress instead of stopping and starting.

FitBlackChick

you can tell her all you want but until she really wants to, she won`t do it and won`t commit.

^^ this

I wrote a blog post about this a few years back. You already KNOW it's sensitive for her. What exactly do you think you're going to say that she doesn't already know. And you have no idea what's going on in her head.

http://sarahsweightlossjourneyblog.blogspot.nl/2007/05/wanna-plan-fat-intervention-with-loved.html

Yet again another message board inspired post here. But this one is a bit different as this is something that has happened to me personally. A loving Uncle once cornered me (we were in the car I believe) when he decided to tell me that I needed to lose weight. Without reliving that extremely uncomfortable situation all over again I will simply tell you how I feel about "fat person" interventions. When planning one of these "we have to save her before she kills herself" interventions please keep some of the things below in mind.

What do you think you're going to tell her (or him, or me, or whoever) that she doesn't already know? Chances are she knows she has a weight problem. Chances are she's probably tried every diet imaginable even if you don't realize she's dieting.

Chances are she's probably aware of the health issues she could be facing. She's probably afraid for her health herself. You'd have to be living in a cave not to know about how dangerous it is to your health to be overweight. It's on every magazine, every TV show, every radio station... she knows it. She may have even thought about having weight loss surgery. It's a thought that went through my head about half a million times while in my 20's.

How do you think she'll feel once you try talking to her about an issue that she probably feels like she cannot control? Chances are she'll feel attacked. If this is a multi-person intervention she may become paranoid that you guys are talking about her behind her back. Then she'll feel resentful of you for butting your nose into her life. She'll take it very personal...then again, who wouldn't?

Then after a while she'll feel bad about herself because she knows your right. She'll probably be embarrassed of herself. She'll feel weak, out of control, unable to get a grip. She'll be so sad and disappointed in herself. She'll probably say more hurtful things to herself then you can ever imagine. (she may even say these before your intervention). Things like "How can you be so fat? How can you be so disgusting? God, even your _____ thinks your fat! You're sick."

She'll feel alone and helpless, even though the solution seems so simple.(re-read my August 2006 blog "it's more than a+b = for me" post for more on this) Then she'll eat food to comfort herself...starting a whole cycle all over again.

The bottom line is there is nothing you can do to push your loved one into losing weight as it is something she has to do for herself. She's going to have to hit her own "rock bottom" before she'll really make a change. Like an alcoholic until she treats her weight and eating habits as an actual problem then there isn't a whole lot you can do for her.

I don't know one single over weight person who has ever said "until my sister/mom/uncle/friend sat and talked to me about my weight issues I didn't realize I had a problem and that's what made me change my ways."

I know it's hard to sit and watch your family members make bad decisions that effect their health and life but you have to realize you can't control what she does. It is out of your hands.

I know a lot of people who will say "I don't care if it hurts her feelings, maybe that's what she needs... some tough love". Again, she is probably tougher on herself than any tough love you think you can dish out. If you really don't care if you hurt her feelings then go ahead with your intervention... but don't be surprised when it's met with less than open arms.

It is very difficult to do but you have to remember that she's an adult responsible for her own actions. Sometimes you have to let people make their own mistakes no matter how badly it hurts you to see it happen. We all grow up and face reality in our own time. Until then the best thing you can do is be our friend.

Thank you for this. You are ABSOLUTELY right