My confession.....

splucy

So I began using MFP over two years ago. I was doing well with my diet. I was exercising 4 or 5 days a week, I was eating right, including snacks and cheat days and felt completely in control. I was on top of the world! So happy with how I looked and how I finally found SOMETHING that worked for me.

I got to my goal weight. I had many people saying 'ew you look disgustingly thin now'. I hardly received any flattery which I desired so much.

So I thought to myself.. maybe I should eat more calories. I began consuming more junkier food which made me feel incredibly guilty. One MFPer said that their issue was that once they 'had a little treat', they felt that their day was ruined so 'consumed as much as they desired'. I wish they had not told me this... because I began to believe the same.

It turned in to binges. One chocolate bar turned in to a tub of icecream, 2 blocks of chocolate, profiteroles and a container of muffins. Everytime I binge, my stomach feels uncomfortable to the point that I can hardly walk and I drink down some diet soda drink to ease with the purging.

It has got so bad that these binges can cost me around $100+ a day... I have begun to enjoy my binge sessions and the guilty feeling of purging has become easier. My teeth are extremely sensitive and I have gained 5kgs over a period of about 4 months or so. I feel like I can't go out to a cafe and enjoy a muffin any more... I can't even accept a tiny peice of chocolate from someone because the flavour will turn on my cravings.

I've begun leaving my wallet at home when I go to work because I am afraid of spending a lot of money on the vending machines close by... and it would be chocolate... and I know that chocolate is hard to purge but this hasn't stopped me... I work the night shift, we have a work car so I have occasionally driven home to collect my wallet. From there on I stop at McDonalds, 7 Eleven, a local cafe, a gas station.... all to get food from different places as I am ashamed and am trying to disguise the fact that I'm on a binge food seeking mission.

Every day I wake up and I tell myself that I will have a cup of coffee and a bag of popcorn... and that I'll have some fruit for a snack and a soup or sandwich for lunch. I wish I could have cereal for breakfast but I know I will binge on that because it's not in a portion form. It's in an open box and I WILL consume a lot. I feel like I need to consume foods that taste bland, so that I am not tempted to consume more of it.... however this can also lead to a binge because I can begin thinking of all the tasty things out there and it makes my mouth water.

I am constantly thinking about the calorie numbers and what is going to make me fat. There are days where I go without binging... but I will be lucky if I go 3 days straight without a binge.

I have a 6 figure inheritence sitting in my bank and I'm scared to death that I am going to spend the majority of it on food... because I am constantly withdrawing from it. I wish I could save but this issue of mine just feels out of hand.

I hate this obsession... I wish I could go back to my controlled days where I would consume a bar here and there... or have a cheat meal and not give a damn about being 1000 calories over my goal for that one day in the week.

I'm sorry.. I realise that I probably need to speak to someone about this. I just had to let it all out.

splucy

Oh yes and I also feel as though I can no longer satisfy my hunger It's as though I have stretched my stomach or something.

elsbbels

please go to your doctor, or get some counselling .. hope you get sorted

AmandaW01

You know, don't you, that you seriously need help, and now. Letting it out, 'confessing' here is a start and admitting that you have a problem is the first step - doing that means you can be helped. I don't have any advice, I just feel so bad for you - you're trapped in a nightmare - but there IS help out there. Please see someone, tell a medical professional what you've told us and get help now - don't leave it! xxxx

prattiger65

This is the right place for support, but the wrong place for help. You must see a doctor! Your very life depends on it. With that said, I believe that you are beautiful just the way you are and I pray that you find peace. But please get help.

kellehbeans

You need some big hugs. You need to talk to someone professional because you have a bit of a problem, but mentioning it, you're already know that. It was totally unfair you got no credit for losing weight and that seems to contribute the most to why you binge. I hope it all gets sorted for you. :flowerforyou:

SamanthaClarexo

You've made the first step. You KNOW you need help and that this has to stop. You've let it all out - it's time to speak to someone professionally about this.

There is help out there - please take it, and I wish you a speedy recovery :flowerforyou:

melw2910

Please speak to a professional as soon as you can on this. Everyone here will support you but you need to get the correct help. Congratulations on the weight you have lost you should be extremely proud of your achievements to date.

jade2112

This a very serious and dangerous habit. Please seek professional help as soon as you can.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bulimia/DS00607

Trilby16

Try OA (Overeaters Anonymous). You need to be with some people, in person, who know what you're going through and how to help you. It's free and you can to as many sessions as you need to.

cebreisch

Just wanted to say that I think many people can relate to your message, and I agree with everyone that this is a dangerous habit and to seek professional help.

I never thought seeing a therapist would be helpful, but when I initially started on this journey, a bariatric surgeon (I never did end up having the lap band surgery) suggested I go see a therapist. That was almost two years ago, and I'm still seeing him. It does help, a lot. The therapist I see has had the gastric bypass surgery and understands a lot of the issues I have.

Please seek professional help as soon as possible!

limabean00

I'm so sorry your friends were not supportive of your original weight loss. Your pictures don't look "disgustingly thin" at all! I'm so glad you are able to recognize your problem, that is the best place to start.

Definitely find a counselor who can help you sort through your food issues. Try to start your day by eating a well-rounded breakfast so you're not hungry all day. Eggs, oatmeal, something filling that doesn't leave you wanting to snack all morning.

You can get through this, but you don't have to do it alone.

sixisCHANGEDjk

I'm sorry you have this problem and, with the rest, hope you seek professional help. I'm also not a financier but if you'd put you inheritance in something that keeps you from withdrawing from it for say 3 to 6 months you wouldn't have to worry about it in the time you're seeking help.

Stay strong!

suemcmurry