Afraid of developing a disorder

RachyLovesRattys

First off, you are a very beautiful girl just the way you are !:flowerforyou:
Secondly, I know how you feel. I know the feeling of not being able to stop, as well as the feelings of guilt and disgust that follow. I can't say I ever INTENTIONALLY threw up after an eating binge- but I have eaten until nausea and then thought, "If I don't feel good- why not get it out? Let me correct this." which in all honesty isn't very good thinking.

That was when I was 16, in a horrible abusive relationship in combination with some family problems (a mentally ill grandmother we primarily cared for) and all the hormonal emotional/school/work problems that are typical of that age.

Now at 21, I've learned a lot since then. I can honestly say as soon as I ended that relationship (by about 17) I already was done with all that. However, I still wasn't eating "healthy" so I still had a pretty jacked up body image.

In all honesty, whenever I think of the ease of "eat what you want, get rid of it, repeat" I will always think of that temptation. Perhaps I had always been putting myself into the situation of eating until sickness in the first place so I didn't feel guilty when I uncontrollably threw it up. And it was always the really gross fatty things (I have killed a whole Domino's pizza in 15 minutes) that brought me to that point.

When I hit around 18 I started having problems (related to a medication I was on for my skin) with my stomach. They made me nauseous every day and no doctor could figure it out for over a year (I ended up discovering my own cure *sigh* because they sure never did!) I would pray and pray I could keep food down and not feel sick afterwards. Suddenly I got so angry with myself for all the times I ate to sickness. I'd be happy in that moment to just be able to eat a sandwich and not want to vom everywhere.

Once that was fixed- I appreciated everything my body could do. I just wanted it to be healthy and happy. I treasure it now, because I almost lost it. I could have actually died from the medication I was on, and losing more than a year of the "primetime" of my life to this sickness was unforgettable.

Since then (I'm studying to become a Doctor) I have heard far too many stories of the damage that can be done from things like this. It's one of those things I think everyone has "experienced" at some point, but for some that "experience" is just the beginning. Some things I've seen from bulimia include ruptured stomachs (not just long term binge/purge either), fine downy hair all over the face and body (from lack of macro and micronutrients), and bruises, cuts, spots, and all that lovely skin stuff. But, what truly horrified me (and I won't post the link because it's a VERY graphic image) was a photo I saw of a girl, barely 20, who died during her purge. She wasn't even "deep" into the routine, just starting out, and they found her in a pool of blood head in the toilet, body all mangled over the seat. She wasn't the only story I've heard of throwing up blood, but she was the first death I saw with my own eyes from this horrible disease. Ironically, I found it while researching pro-ana-mia sites for a paper. They posted it to each other as a warning...or motivation...which makes it even sadder that it's such a difficult thing to break.

I never wanted my family to find me like that. I never wanted my pets, boyfriend, neighbor to see me like that. But most of all, I love my body more than that. If it's "imperfect" to someone- they can *kitten* off! It does amazing things for me every day, keeps me alive and breathing without me asking it to, and I'm always impressed when I discover it can do something I never knew it could! I don't want to waste this *hopefully* 100 years I have on this earth worrying about other people's opinions on something that is ONLY MINE.

Like you, I never considered myself bulimic. However, I definitely had disordered eating and without help that would have crept into that territory. Luckily, I found the resources in my life to stop- and I can never stress how thankful I am for that. I look at so many people in my life who have passed from tragedy before their time- I want to appreciate every moment I'm given because you never know when your time is up.

I'm sorry for going on such a tangent. Your story just really touched me and I don't want to see something happen to you. Honestly, a lot of times people don't realize how much they're hurting themselves until it's too late or irreversible. You can be skinny on the outside with an eating disorder, but you will be dead on the inside. There is nothing healthy about it. I'd rather be 30 pounds "overweight" and healthy than knowing my body is slowly rotting away internally.

I hope my post perhaps makes you rethink your motives next time you have the urge to binge. If you truly feel like you can't stop eating, I eat a ton of fiber to feel full (fiber burns calories in the end!)- lots of water- leafy greens- and if I REALLY want cake- I eat cake. And I enjoy it and savor every moment. Because I only have my 100 years on this earth and I know I won't remember what the waiter who worked there thought of me- but I will remember loving myself that day

jzammetti

I agree that you should find a professional to talk to - but I also think the more you know about how our bodies function (like TDEE as mentioned before) the less likely you will be to feel badly about eating food. Read all you can on how our bodies work - the food part, the exercise part (cardio versus weight training, etc) but make sure you are finding truthful information backed by science instead of individual opinions on a particular matter.

The new Rules of Lifting for Women is a great resource even if you do not plan to weight lift, I believe. The author shows how the science backs up his claims and gives a great starting point for useful and relevant information.

When I began trying to lose weight, I had no idea how my body worked - or how it was supposed to work. Two years later 9after many many bad diet attempts) I have much more confidence about my knowledge level and feel much more confident about chossing foods and how much of them each day. The mystery and trickery of weight loss has gone away and been replaced with facts backed by science.

You can do this - you sound like you have the right attitude and motivation and that is all you need!

Debbe2

If you think you may have or are forming a habit that you know is detrimental to your health please talk to someone about it like your doctor, a parent, a teacher, religious advisor etc. asking people on the Internet is one thing but actively seeking true professional guidance and help is truly the way to go. Good luck! :flowerforyou:

Big_Bad

This is pretty much me. I have a history of anxiety and depression and I am diagnosed as EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified), because binging/purging less than a certain number of times a week means that you don't fulfill the requirements for bulimia and I have periods of just binge eating and of not eating/restricting for several days . I go through ups and downs, but I've managed to keep purging out of my life for the most part and use the anxiety I have about food to fuel a new path towards being strong, athletic, and healthy. MFP has been a great resource for me and I have been purge-free for about 2 months now.

I can't give you all of the advice I'd like to on this thread and honestly, I'm too tired to try anyway. But feel free to PM me and we can talk about things. My friends on MFP are my greatest resource in recovery and you've found a great place to seek support.

FJcntdwn2sknyluv

If you think you may have or are forming a habit that you know is detrimental to your health please talk to someone about it like your doctor, a parent, a teacher, religious advisor etc. asking people on the Internet is one thing but actively seeking true professional guidance and help is truly the way to go. Good luck! :flowerforyou:

^^ This.. once you go down the road it's hard to come back from..*hug*

love4fitnesslove4food_wechange

I'd truly suggest speaking to someone IN REAL LIFE about this--someone who can keep you accountable and make sure you don't continue to harm yourself. Best of luck.