Dating someone who has been through this

Sqeekyjojo

A really good friend of mine hasn't been in a relationship, not even had a date, since he lost about 145 lbs. He's absolutely lovely, warm, funny, sweet, kind, a great musician, smart - everything you'd want in a guy.

He's perfectly reasonable in appearance for his age - he's in his forties and, quite frankly, not everybody can be a six foot supermodel with a perfect, full head of hair - but he just doesn't seem to have it in him to even ask a woman out. (And no, he isn't gay).


I've been out with him (and drunk a bit too much, but that's pretty common with the two of us together) and asked him why - and told him I think he's great and I just don't understand it. He should be happy and loved up.

But he says he's got something inside him that he can't handle it. That he just can't do a relationship thing and he sabotages everyone he's had. And runs a mile when somebody shows they're interested in him. But won't say why. Reckons he'll tell me one day, but not now.




Now, I know he was very defensive when he was much larger, always expecting somebody to have a go at him first - but it seems like he's not able to get past that where women are concerned. Maybe he's scared what somebody would say if he took off his shirt?

He's always talking himself down or holding back. It doesn't matter if someone says he's a great guitarist, he sees everyone else as better than him, I've told him I've never met anyone like him because he is just the most fantastic person to be around - he can make me laugh until I cry and can't breathe for the pain, he's non judgemental because he's been through the large weight loss thing - but he's alone. And he deserves to have someone in his life that can see all those things about him. But he won't let anyone in.



Does anybody have any advice on anything I could say or do that might get him out there?

Sqeekyjojo

Well, does anyone have any insights on why he might find it too much to get back out dating? There has to be some reason, and surely someone here has started dating after shedding a lot of weight and might have some insight?

Guys? Help?

AceDuddyMegaa

It's harder to develope self esteem after being heavy and used to being treated a certain way. Could just be a defense mechanism I'd personally rather be lonely than broken hearted. Heart break really reminds you of those times when you felt generally unaccepted and feeling rejection makes you feel like you've made no progress in that area at all. It's easier to avoid it sometimes.. Not better just easier. Just keep in mind I can only speak for myself

Sqeekyjojo

It's harder to develope self esteem after being heavy and used to being treated a certain way. Could just be a defense mechanism I'd personally rather be lonely than broken hearted. Heart break really reminds you of those times when you felt generally unaccepted and feeling rejection makes you feel like you've made no progress in that area at all. It's easier to avoid it sometimes.. Not better just easier. Just keep in mind I can only speak for myself

Is there anything I can say that might help him? I've already told him I think he's wonderful. I mean, I've got a lot of weight to lose myself, and it's not as if every 40 something guy is physically perfect. If someone truly loves him, the extra signs of his past won't matter to them. He's got lovely eyes and smile, and is just so great a guy, I'm sure if he actually said something to someone he likes, if they know him half as well as I do, they'll just fall in love with him straight away. If he'd just say it to whoever it is that he likes. I did ask but he reckons he's not going to breathe a word. And he won't tell me who it is, so I can't test the water for him either.


Argh!

AceDuddyMegaa

I'm sure he's a great guy and things have a way of working themselves out. I say give him as much time as he needs to feel ready. Nothing sabotages a potentially successful relationship like one person not being ready. Even if he finds his soul mate he has to receive her well. That's not gonna happen with an unsure mind. IMO

avababy05

Is he on MFP?

Gaining some more supportive friends may help him.

WickedZoey

I think you're doing all that you can do. To be honest, he has self-esteem issues and personal issues he needs to address first before he jumps into a relationship. I would recommend therapy.

Sqeekyjojo

Thanks.

It could be the lack of self esteem, he lost the weight pretty much alone, not even with medical support. He's very good at making sure I'm not taking things too fast with changing lifestyle. I think that why he tells me so much about it, because nobody else knows what it's like. It's so weird, he's not awkward round me, he's happy to walk along the street with his arm round me, but at the thought of him being close to someone properly, he seems to not want to - but then he says he likes someone but won't tell her.

Ah well, he has been under a lot of stress. Perhaps that's it as well.

And not having help to deal with the underlying issues that made him get so big in the first place.

Shall have to just be there if he ever decides to talk to whoever this is, I suppose, in case he does get rejected. Then I can kick her butt if she's mean about it to him.