How we mess up our daughters. Stop the madness!

sonjavon

Great post and all sentiments that I've said over and over again.

I learned a long time ago, watching my son that he was made with an incredible ability to self-monitor. He grazed... he preferred fruit and vegetables to junk food and he was very healthy. Then people started giving him "treats" - candy, ice cream, cake.... he NEVER would have considered that a treat unless someone had told them they were. What's wrong with treating a kid to an apple?

There are 2 little girls that come to my sons baseball games - her brother is on my sons team. They love to come see the lady with the snack bag (me). They love to eat my apples (they had never seen a green apple before), my bananas, clementines, string cheese and flavored rice cakes. Her mother sits in amazement and can't believe that her "picky" kids eat these things... kids are only picky if you allow them to be.

My father was my main issue growing up. Weight was always a big deal in his family. I'm German and American Indian... I have big, strong genes... I have broad shoulders, big hips and when I'm healthy - a tiny waist. I have muscular legs. My father taught me to hate my body. When I was in 3rd grade and running around in a leotard before ballet class... I remember standing in front of the mirror admiring my long, graceful arms - I was entranced with them because I thought they looked beautiful. I remember coming downstairs to leave and my dad looking at me and saying, "Maybe ballet will help you lean out your stomach - they you'll look really good in that leotard." I got to ballet and didn't even notice my long, graceful arms anymore... all I saw was my fat stomach (which wasn't... I ws in 3rd grade...). I joined weight watchers for the first time in 4th grade. I learned to relate to women who were obese. I sat in WW meetings listening to women complain about how they couldn't pass up certain treats... and I learned that was "normal".

Probably the most hurtful was my first year of college... my father loves to tell the story of sending me off to college looking slender and beautiful (funny - I don't remember that being said at the time) and when he came to visit in October he didn't even recognize me because I had gained so much weight. I was still wearing the same size pants... I had been walking up 4 flights of stairs several times a day and traversing the hills of campus... I'm sure that I had changed shape a little... and perhaps even put on a few pounds.... but after his visit... I put on 20 lbs between October and December and another 10 before Freshman year was over.

I'm 35 year old and he still has the ability to set me off into a tizzy. Over at his house the other night... he said, "How much weight have you lost?" I told him 32 lbs. He pointed to my stomach and said, "That'll be the hardest part to lose - it's nothing but fat". What I SAID was "Bite me" (jokingly of course). What I SHOULD HAVE SAID was "Actually I've lost 4 inches in my waist and it only looks bigger because my boobs have shrunk...." But I didn't because the defiant teenager in me came out and bared her claws.

I can only hope that eventually I'll get over the bitterness and anger... and that I won't instill the same fears in my son. We exercise, play and have fun together. We cook together and I try to stress to him being active (football, baseball, basketball) and being healthy instead of dieting and "exercise". So far... so good.

tkrall

As I read some of these post, the memories of a "large" child hood comes flooding back. I was a heavier child and just kept eating. When I was around 13 or 14 I stayed home all summer eating. I did nothing all summer (3 full months) of nothing but cheese burgers french fries and pierogies. All deep fried. Dinner time was different, my mother always cooked healthy meals for our family. But that didn't stop the ice cream and sugary cereal, cake and cookies before bed. She always was a thin woman and took great care of herself. When I went back to school after that summer, the kids I used to hang out with didn't want anything to do with me, I was fat and unattractive and they made fun of me. After a horrible school year, I decided to make a change. I ate healthier and exericised all that next summer. Getting down to a size zero for the first time ever. I was so proud of my self. As time went by the weight lost that summer started to work it's way back on, especially when I was pregnant with my daughter. My mother always said to me, no matter what size I was that I was the most beautiful girl in the whole world. Never told me to lose weight, eat better, or try to convince me I was fat. I was the one who talked down about myself, looked in the mirror with disgust! Now, I have a daughter and I hope that me changing my life style to become a "healthy" person, she will see this and learn. I try to cook healthy meals everyday for dinner. But there are somethings we MOM's can not control once these children grow up. No matter how much we try to encourage healthy eating or habits, these children will become their own person, Just as we did and make decisions on their own. The best we can hope for is the knowlege we try to instill in them sticks and they are happy with the way they are!

KatieM7

My daughter is my clone. She is lovely and smart and funny and loving........so why did it take me yrs to realize that was ME too??

Instead I would talk down about myself . Call myself a fat azz or say I had hand to mouth disease. I couldn't understand my daughters self esteem issues until someone pointed out that I would say something negative about myself, then someone would says " Oh man, your daughter looks JUST like you!!'

I stopped talking badly about myself that day. I began to help her with self esteem by telling her I was a good person, beautiful and loving just like her!

To this day if I have a negative thought about myself, I will look at my DD and say "HEY, you can't be all bad-look at your twin!!!"

Oh and I gained 40 pounds doing all those diets listed above. 36 pounds are GONE gone gone from my body forever by eating good healthy foods, and exercising more! flowerforyou

That really hit home for me! I have a daughter that looks exactly like me and for a while now I have been wondering why she has been miss behaving and now I now the reason. Thank you!! This same daughter has always been "bigger" then average. I never said anything negative about it because she was taller then average so it panned out but the extended family would say things and it really didn't hit me until at the age of four she said to me that she was "fat". When neither me or her dad would say that she was but she heard it from family members when I didn't realize she was listening. From that time I vowed that if anyone ever said stuff about her size I was going to step in no matter if I thought she was listening or not! Now I realize that my own self confidence is affecting her and her behavior. Reason being is that she looks just like me and everyone says it but if I say something bad about myself she takes it personally. Thank you again!

KatieM7

Sorry I meant to quote that first part but didn't do it right.

Elokyn

Very well spoken! Amen!!

jurgitafit

I'm 35 year old and he still has the ability to set me off into a tizzy. Over at his house the other night... he said, "How much weight have you lost?" I told him 32 lbs. He pointed to my stomach and said, "That'll be the hardest part to lose - it's nothing but fat". What I SAID was "Bite me" (jokingly of course). What I SHOULD HAVE SAID was "Actually I've lost 4 inches in my waist and it only looks bigger because my boobs have shrunk...." But I didn't because the defiant teenager in me came out and bared her claws.

Stay with your goals, be strong and don't let anyone upset you. It's only you who chooses the reaction to anyone's words. Be confident that you can become healthy, regardless of other opinions. :-) I feel so bad for those, whose parents say mean things to their children, although I do understand that they're doing this cause they never received proper love and care from the parents of their own.

jurgitafit

Good post and excellent conclusion. I wish all the parents thought this way. It feels great to be an example of balanced, healthy living for others.

tlizard

Well said but unfortunately you can set a good example but as a mother you still have to talk to them about eating right,exercise and how your weight changes depending on whats going on. I say this because my sister has two girls (11 and 8) and the other day the 11 year old came home from a sleep over and said that the other girls said she weighted to much. She weights about 100 lbs. but is also 4' 10'' tall and not fat at all. We had to explain to her about height and weight and how it all works together. She is also developing early, like her mother did and we explained how that affects things.
For alot of these girls all the emphasis is put on how much you weight and nothing is explained to them what a healthy weight for them should be.
I worry that this obsession over weight has started so early for these girlfriends of hers but I think that my sister is doing a really good job of teaching her girls to love themselves and how looking your best means taking care of yourself and not obsessing over the number on the scale.

arewethereyet

Sorry I meant to quote that first part but didn't do it right.

Your so welcome. This is the reason I pour out my heart.........to help another person.

I wish I knew this 10 yrs earlier.......but at least I know it now!!

She is much much more confident now and is in nursing school!!

Jeannie

KatieM7

Sorry I meant to quote that first part but didn't do it right.

Your so welcome. This is the reason I pour out my heart.........to help another person.

I wish I knew this 10 yrs earlier.......but at least I know it now!!

She is much much more confident now and is in nursing school!!

Well I know that this info is going to help a lot my daughter is only 6 years old. So knowing it now will help me to make that change so that she thinks good about herself instead of bad. Thank you again.

Jeannie