Boyfriend/Love dilemna

charlotte_xxxx
charlotte_xxxx Posts: 17
in Chit-Chat
I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 and a half years now and i love him with all my heart, recently I have been spending time with a friend from my old school (another boy my age) because he gets along with my sister's boyfriend. We have a laugh and a joke and he's a massive flirt but I make sure to bring my Boyfriend up in cnversation just so he doesn't think i'm giving the wrong impression.

Last night i was just looking on my sister's phone (in a joking way) and a message popped up from this boy i've been hanging out with saying that he had been thinking about me alot, for some reason I feel like I did something wrong, like i lead him on or gave the wrong impression but i'm pretty sure i made it clear i had a boyfriend and we were in love.

My Mum thinks i should stop seeing this boy so that he can move on and obviously because i have a boyfriend. This boy doesn't know i saw the text about me, but i don't want to stop hanging round with him because he is a really good friend and he's not the type i could just come out and say i'm not interested because he may get defensive and say he doesn't know what i'm talking about, i really like him as a friend a little flirt every now and then but would never leave the love of my life for this guy

..really i just want some advise or could anyone tell me if this type of thing has happened to them before?

Thanks so much guys X

Replies

  • lauren3101
    lauren3101 Posts: 1,853 Member
    This has happened to me, and it didn't end well. Like you, I didn't want to be blunt with him, it got out of hand and I ended up losing a friend and causing problems in my relationship.

    In my opinion, you have two options. You can either be honest with this friend and tell him where he stands - for his sake as well as yours, or you can call off the friendship like your Mum said, If he really is as good a friend as you say he is, then telling him how it is won't cause any long-term problems.
  • writetomab
    writetomab Posts: 226
    Well, you have to do what's right for the other guy in this situation. If he genuinely has feelings for you and you do not feel the same way then you need to cut him loose. Also, how would your boyfriend feel if he found out you were hanging out with a guy who has feelings for you?
  • charlotte_xxxx
    charlotte_xxxx Posts: 17
    my boyfriend knows i hang out with him, we obviously only hang out in public places, never alone. I explained to my boyfriend that he was getting abit full on and my Boyfriend just said i was too nice and should not hang out with him as much.
  • SamanthaClarexo
    SamanthaClarexo Posts: 353 Member
    This has happened to me, and it didn't end well. Like you, I didn't want to be blunt with him, it got out of hand and I ended up losing a friend and causing problems in my relationship.

    In my opinion, you have two options. You can either be honest with this friend and tell him where he stands - for his sake as well as yours, or you can call off the friendship like your Mum said, If he really is as good a friend as you say he is, then telling him how it is won't cause any long-term problems.

    I definitely agree with this. The more he sees of you, the worse it will get. He needs to get over you x
  • TheWinman
    TheWinman Posts: 684 Member
    Hey, I would say stop hanging out with the friend. I know you love your boyfriend and I don't doubt that. I also think you may have stronger feelings for the friend than you may realize or care to admit to yourself. IMO I could be wrong, but it's just a hunch.
    If nothing changes then you may end up in the long term losing both the friend and your boyfriend. Proceed with caution.
  • My0WNinspiration
    My0WNinspiration Posts: 1,146 Member
    my boyfriend knows i hang out with him, we obviously only hang out in public places, never alone. I explained to my boyfriend that he was getting abit full on and my Boyfriend just said i was too nice and should not hang out with him as much.

    Listen to your man. Don't hang out as much..
  • charlotte_xxxx
    charlotte_xxxx Posts: 17
    Hey, I would say stop hanging out with the friend. I know you love your boyfriend and I don't doubt that. I also think you may have stronger feelings for the friend than you may realize or care to admit to yourself. IMO I could be wrong, but it's just a hunch.
    If nothing changes then you may end up in the long term losing both the friend and your boyfriend. Proceed with caution.

    thanks for the advice.

    He is a really charming lad and everything but i couldn't ever think of leaving my boyfriend for him, i guess i'll just have to lessen my contact with him abit and only see him when he is with others?
  • lauren3101
    lauren3101 Posts: 1,853 Member
    Hey, I would say stop hanging out with the friend. I know you love your boyfriend and I don't doubt that. I also think you may have stronger feelings for the friend than you may realize or care to admit to yourself. IMO I could be wrong, but it's just a hunch.
    If nothing changes then you may end up in the long term losing both the friend and your boyfriend. Proceed with caution.

    thanks for the advice.

    He is a really charming lad and everything but i couldn't ever think of leaving my boyfriend for him, i guess i'll just have to lessen my contact with him abit and only see him when he is with others?

    Yes, that would be a good idea - and stop flirting with him. What is just a laugh to you can be taken very seriously by others, especially if this guy already likes you.
  • neandermagnon
    neandermagnon Posts: 7,436 Member
    my boyfriend knows i hang out with him, we obviously only hang out in public places, never alone. I explained to my boyfriend that he was getting abit full on and my Boyfriend just said i was too nice and should not hang out with him as much.

    Listen to your man. Don't hang out as much..

    ^^^ this. sounds like your boyfriend is a sensible person with a good attitude and good advice. Listen to him. Especially the "too nice" bit.... I have seen it so many times with women and men who are starting to read more into it than what's there (and even become quite stalkerish in some cases)... they're too nice to be blunt, so the guy goes on getting mixed messages and thinking he's in with a chance when he's not.... sometimes you just have to be blunt, i.e. "I like you as a friend, but that's all there is to it. I have no intention of leaving my boyfriend, and if you are not happy with that, then maybe we shouldn't hang out so much" - maybe suggest setting him up with one of your single friends for a blind date or something... unless he's head over heels in love with you (as opposed to just interested and trying to take things a bit further) then this may work.... and if it doesn't he should get a clear message that you like him as a friend but are totally not interested in him romantically (but there are other girls out there who might be...)
  • Tenzuya
    Tenzuya Posts: 64
    Guys dont ever want to be in the friend zone, put the poor guy out of his misery and tell him straight, or hook him up with one of your girlfriends.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
    Listen to your man.
  • DrBentonQuest
    DrBentonQuest Posts: 151
    Just show him this thread.
  • whatshouldieat
    whatshouldieat Posts: 101 Member
    In my opinion this is a reciepe for disaster. You are playing with fire in a way that you think is innocent.. The truth is regardless if he is a friend, he should respect your boundaries and not flirt with you. And telling him you have a boyfriend and continue to laugh at his flirtatous jokes only adds fuel to the fire. My suggestion set a stern boundary with him and go back to devoting that innocent flirting to your real boyfriend.
  • LookMaNoHands
    LookMaNoHands Posts: 174 Member
    You say that he's not the type that you can just confront about it because he would get defensive, but that is not true. You CAN confront him about it. You just don't WANT to because it would be awkward. You really either need to just bite the bullet and do that, or simply accept that you can't hang out with him anymore. Otherwise you are simply inviting more heartache later, for him, you, your boyfriend, or possibly all three.
  • iLoveMyPitbull1225
    iLoveMyPitbull1225 Posts: 1,690 Member
    Speaking from personal experience, do yourself a favor and break it off, completely, now. Before it gets worse. As other posters have commented, it is a recipe for disaster and will not end well. I think you have good intentions with your boyfriend and you should focus on him if you really love him. It doesnt sound very nice and you want to be friends, but you have to look out for yourself and your relationship right now. He might be a very nice guy, but it is near impossible to be just friends with someone of the opposite sex especially when sexual feelings are obviously involved. If you want your current relationship to work, run away from this.
  • bnbestme
    bnbestme Posts: 9 Member
    Just make it truly clear that u have a boyfriend is not interested in him in that way; but u do enjoy talking to him. If he is unable to handle that then u know what u have to do.
  • vtmoon
    vtmoon Posts: 3,436 Member
    If a guy is investigating a lot of time with and he is single (not always the case), he either has a major crush or you guys been friends for years and he views you as a sister or family. Sounds to me he is trying to get to the goodies, so best thing like others said is to make yourself less available, you can't have your cake and eat it too.
  • CapnDonkey
    CapnDonkey Posts: 108 Member
    Give the poor chap the benefit of the doubt and just come clean. You know he likes you, and you don't feel the same way. The next step is to allow him to process that information and decide if he wants to dial it back, or still be your friend.

    Blindly cutting the lad off is going to bugger his head right up, he won't know why you did it, and could be really hurt by you just all of a sudden cutting him off. If you are honest with him about what you know and how you feel, then whatever happens, it happens based on honesty and truth. If he can't get over his feelings for you, then yes, listen to your man and back off. If he's able to dial it back and you still enjoy his company just as friends, then why lose a friend?

    Either way, just my two cents, but i think honestly dealing with this situation is going to give you (and him) the best results long term.

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