cut off contact with family with the least amount of drama?

RoadToHappiness92

Im not going to go into it but I have had an extremely physically abusive brother and extremely neglectful/verbally abusive parents. How do I go about cutting them out of my life completely without them making massive drama surrounding it?? Trying to reconcile the relationship is completely impossible so dont suggest it ...

MySlimGoals

Just move away, don't tell them where, and don't give them your phone number. Block them from your facebook. That's about all you can do.

MissMdM

Don't be a coward. Tell them. Then get some distance to allow everyone to cool off. Don't slink away. Take what they have to say. Recognise where their coming from and don't let their anger dictate your reaction. This is your life.

If they want to be in your life and your prepared to make an effort then they'll be apart of your future.

These arnt just any people. You really only have one family

ads5gr8

I agree with MissMdM, man up, stop being a fanny

unsuspectingfish

Just move away, don't tell them where, and don't give them your phone number. Block them from your facebook. That's about all you can do.

This, basically. Let them have their drama, but make sure you're safe, first.

scar47

It depends on the degree of abuse. If it's "extreme," such as sexual or physical, then get away and don't look back. Also, seek out a therapist because you will need one. Co-dependency is an issue with abuse and breaking those cords will be more difficult than you realize. Another consideration will be other family members (siblings, aunts uncles etc.) who are basically good people, but will not deal with the abusive persons. They will constantly put pressure on you to "normalize" your relationship with the abusers. These well meaning, but ignorant people enable the abusers.

Again, it depends on the level of abuse. If it's not "extreme," then over time, and with the help of a therapist, you will be able to have limited and controlled contact with these people. Since they are family, you will find it difficult to never have contact again. They will reach out with confessions and seemingly contrition, which will be a strong draw on your emotional reservoirs. For example, at some point, one of them will have a medical emergency, and you will have to deal with it. This is where a good therapist can help you with establishing limited contact and boundaries.

Confrontation with an abuser never works out. They will deny the abuse, accuse you of being vindictive, and eventually increase the level of abuse.

Good luck.

unsuspectingfish

It depends on the degree of abuse. If it's "extreme," such as sexual or physical, then get away and don't look back. Also, seek out a therapist because you will need one. Co-dependency is an issue with abuse and breaking those cords will be more difficult than you realize. Another consideration will be other family members (siblings, aunts uncles etc.) who are basically good people, but will not deal with the abusive persons. They will constantly put pressure on you to "normalize" your relationship with the abusers. These well meaning, but ignorant people enable the abusers.

Again, it depends on the level of abuse. If it's not "extreme," then over time, and with the help of a therapist, you will be able to have limited and controlled contact with these people. Since they are family, you will find it difficult to never have contact again. They will reach out with confessions and seemingly contrition, which will be a strong draw on your emotional reservoirs. For example, at some point, one of them will have a medical emergency, and you will have to deal with it. This is where a good therapist can help you with establishing limited contact and boundaries.

Confrontation with an abuser never works out. They will deny the abuse, accuse you of being vindictive, and eventually increase the level of abuse.

Good luck.

This is well-put, but I do have two issues: verbal abuse can still be pretty "extreme"; and I really, really don't have any issue never having contact with some of my family members ever again.

msleanlegs

If you want to cut off contact and have peace of mind, tell each family member that you're distancing yourself from them. With your brother being so violent you may not want to tell him in person and he should understand that you WILL call the police if he ever tries to hurt you again. No one, not even family, is worth compromising your well being.

If confronting them seems too big a task right now, distance yourself by staying busy - too busy to attend family gatherings.

liesevanlingen

You don't have to bother making any sort of big announcement, but just distance yourself. Get an unlisted phone number, move away from them, don't contact them or respond to their attempts to contact you. Avoid them whenever possible, make sure that they don't have access to your contact information (whether phone, email, address, etc) but only giving that out to trusted individuals. Change your name if you have to. Eventually they'll get the point. If not, get a restraining order served against them, which means they will be arrested if they come within a certain distance of you. They can't put you through drama if they can't come near you.

oregonzoo

This may be something you want to talk to your therapist about.

I

quirkytizzy

Stop answering phone calls. Have someone else listen to and delete the voicemails. Unfriend them on FB. Block their email addresses. Don't open letters, just toss those straight in the trash.

A nerdy movie quote that helps me: "Strange game. The only winning move is not to play."

So don't play.

You are not obligated to tell them why you are doing this. Sometimes trying to let them know why just gives them something else to abuse. It will only invite more drama as they feel the need to keep dragging you back into it and you feel the need to make them see what they did wrong. Abusers rarely recognize what they did. Trying to get them to admit to it is useless and only keeps you in the sick cycle.

You are not obligated to give them a 2 weeks notice. They forfeited that right long ago when they abused you. So don't tell them, don't offer an explanation, don't put yourself out there to be abused. Just cut everything off with them.

Just leave them. And stay gone.

This is how I did it.

amandapye78

I moved away and didnt give them my address or phone number. I'm sure there was drama but I didnt know about any of it. Same situation for me.

usernameMAMA

I think telling them serves no purpose but to cause drama which it looks like OP is trying avoid. Just slowly phase them out. Answer the phone less and less, don't go to family gatherings as much. Eventually you'll not have to deal with them and it will appear that you guys just grew apart instead of it being a consious decision on your part:)

scar47

It depends on the degree of abuse. If it's "extreme," such as sexual or physical, then get away and don't look back. Also, seek out a therapist because you will need one. Co-dependency is an issue with abuse and breaking those cords will be more difficult than you realize. Another consideration will be other family members (siblings, aunts uncles etc.) who are basically good people, but will not deal with the abusive persons. They will constantly put pressure on you to "normalize" your relationship with the abusers. These well meaning, but ignorant people enable the abusers.

Again, it depends on the level of abuse. If it's not "extreme," then over time, and with the help of a therapist, you will be able to have limited and controlled contact with these people. Since they are family, you will find it difficult to never have contact again. They will reach out with confessions and seemingly contrition, which will be a strong draw on your emotional reservoirs. For example, at some point, one of them will have a medical emergency, and you will have to deal with it. This is where a good therapist can help you with establishing limited contact and boundaries.

Confrontation with an abuser never works out. They will deny the abuse, accuse you of being vindictive, and eventually increase the level of abuse.

Good luck.

This is well-put, but I do have two issues: verbal abuse can still be pretty "extreme"; and I really, really don't have any issue never having contact with some of my family members ever again.

I agree that verbal abuse can be extreme and life scarring. All abuse is simply wrong. I guess "extreme" to me is criminal behavior that results in the potential loss of life, or a person's health is permanently harmed. And it would be nice if we didn't have to have any future contact with any abusers, but unfortunately, it has been my experience that the abused can never bring themselves to completely distance themselves from their abusers. In most cases, the abused have relatives that they don't want to cut off, so they will stay in contact with them. It's these enablers that keep trying to draw the abused back into the "family."

AuddAlise

Stop answering phone calls. Have someone else listen to and delete the voicemails. Unfriend them on FB. Block their email addresses. Don't open letters, just toss those straight in the trash.

A nerdy movie quote that helps me: "Strange game. The only winning move is not to play."

So don't play.

You are not obligated to tell them why you are doing this. Sometimes trying to let them know why just gives them something else to abuse. It will only invite more drama as they feel the need to keep dragging you back into it and you feel the need to make them see what they did wrong. Abusers rarely recognize what they did. Trying to get them to admit to it is useless and only keeps you in the sick cycle.

You are not obligated to give them a 2 weeks notice. They forfeited that right long ago when they abused you. So don't tell them, don't offer an explanation, don't put yourself out there to be abused. Just cut everything off with them.

Just leave them. And stay gone.

This is how I did it.

THIS! You don't owe them anything; just never speak to them again.

RoadToHappiness92

I agree with MissMdM, man up, stop being a fanny

you can say that once you know what level of abuse I have had to deal with.. Which you will never know

NYactor1

Stop answering phone calls. Have someone else listen to and delete the voicemails. Unfriend them on FB. Block their email addresses. Don't open letters, just toss those straight in the trash.

A nerdy movie quote that helps me: "Strange game. The only winning move is not to play."

So don't play.

You are not obligated to tell them why you are doing this. Sometimes trying to let them know why just gives them something else to abuse. It will only invite more drama as they feel the need to keep dragging you back into it and you feel the need to make them see what they did wrong. Abusers rarely recognize what they did. Trying to get them to admit to it is useless and only keeps you in the sick cycle.

You are not obligated to give them a 2 weeks notice. They forfeited that right long ago when they abused you. So don't tell them, don't offer an explanation, don't put yourself out there to be abused. Just cut everything off with them.

Just leave them. And stay gone.

This is how I did it.

Awesome advice!

You deserve better, you don't have to discuss/share/defend anything with them. As stated above, they forfeited any rights to a civil relationship a long time ago. Game over.

agirlscamaro

I think stop calling. If they call you for family events make excuses why you can't go. If you have to volunteer do it so you have something else to do. They'll get the message. If they get harassing change your telephone number. Don't forget to block them on Facebook even if you aren't friends.

If you rent, moving at the first change and don't let them know where you go. Good luck with everything!

kluedesigns

if its as bad as you say, do not make an announcement and expose yourself to further abuse.

i had a situation like this and i didn't take their calls and eventually moved away and never informed them.

if they are cancerous cut them right out of your life and never look back - it was the best thing i ever did and i've never regretted it and its been 15 years.

RoadToHappiness92

It depends on the degree of abuse. If it's "extreme," such as sexual or physical, then get away and don't look back. Also, seek out a therapist because you will need one. Co-dependency is an issue with abuse and breaking those cords will be more difficult than you realize. Another consideration will be other family members (siblings, aunts uncles etc.) who are basically good people, but will not deal with the abusive persons. They will constantly put pressure on you to "normalize" your relationship with the abusers. These well meaning, but ignorant people enable the abusers.

Again, it depends on the level of abuse. If it's not "extreme," then over time, and with the help of a therapist, you will be able to have limited and controlled contact with these people. Since they are family, you will find it difficult to never have contact again. They will reach out with confessions and seemingly contrition, which will be a strong draw on your emotional reservoirs. For example, at some point, one of them will have a medical emergency, and you will have to deal with it. This is where a good therapist can help you with establishing limited contact and boundaries.

Confrontation with an abuser never works out. They will deny the abuse, accuse you of being vindictive, and eventually increase the level of abuse.

Good luck.

This is well-put, but I do have two issues: verbal abuse can still be pretty "extreme"; and I really, really don't have any issue never having contact with some of my family members ever again.

I agree that verbal abuse can be extreme and life scarring. All abuse is simply wrong. I guess "extreme" to me is criminal behavior that results in the potential loss of life, or a person's health is permanently harmed. And it would be nice if we didn't have to have any future contact with any abusers, but unfortunately, it has been my experience that the abused can never bring themselves to completely distance themselves from their abusers. In most cases, the abused have relatives that they don't want to cut off, so they will stay in contact with them. It's these enablers that keep trying to draw the abused back into the "family."

they allowed my brother to keep on physically abusing me, telling me it is my fault... And when I needed to go to hospital they would not take me because they were scared of the nurses finding out what happened.. Sounds life threatening to me

quirkytizzy

I agree with MissMdM, man up, stop being a fanny

you can say that once you know what level of abuse I have had to deal with.. Which you will never know

All you ever do in any thread you post is find the one piece of advice that doesn't work for you and argue with it. That is the only interaction you provide in your continual posting about these issues.

You will not get the help you need by breezing by all the support that you could actually use and instead spitting angrily at the comments that you can simply discard.

Thread after thread of this from you. This forum is NOT your personal battleground against the frustrations that we, as mentally ill people, fight.