I have to vent....

OLeoLionessO

So my boyfriend and I have been going out for a year now. We've lost the spark and its hard to get it back. I let myself go a lot and i don't even feel like being all flirty and sexual anymore. I've just been trying to get this weight off. He's always been a bigger guy but because im trying to do something about my weight, his weight is getting to me and i feel like im losing attraction to him.... plus he's been drinking more than I usually like to deal with....long story short, he drank during lent (catholic thing where you give up something for 40 days) he gets buzzed, drunk or has a beer everyday. like 2 days ago he got super drunk and drove me to work in the morning still drunk from the night before and left my dog unattended outside because he passed out drunk in the garage and left the door open (my dog is a pit and doesnt like kids, we live in a neighborhood with crap loads of kids there is a school in the neighborhood. if he got out and bit or attacked a child...my dog and my own life would be jeopardized.)

Point is....I just needed to say all that to someone that is random and doesn't know us personally...I wish I could act on it. I asked if he would slow down the drinking because it really upset me the way things are going. but 2 days later he's out having beers with his buds....and probably will drink tomorrow and sunday too....


ugh.....i just feel sh-tty today

skinnyinnotime

It's all gone down hill in just your first year together?

Hmm, hate to say it but....just break up

OLeoLionessO

It's all gone down hill in just your first year together?

Hmm, hate to say it but....just break up

im sure everyone is going to say that.....i know that im not perfect and i have my faults with the relationship as well....and i havent said anything about how good he is to me and how much i love the life i have with him and his family.....just hard to deal with it all or see if anything will be fixed.

avababy05

It may feel like it but,a year is not a HUGE investment in the whole scheme of life.

Cut your losses and move on.

NikoM5

I know it's hard to do but if he's the type that's able to have a rational conversation without blowing up then tell him everything you just told us.

sweetzoejane

At some point when all of the bad things outweigh the good, it's time to move on.

TylerJ76

Take this from an alcoholic. (wow that feels weird to say outloud)...You asking him to drink less won't help. You demanding that he drinks less will make it works.

Most of the time it takes hitting a rock bottom to realize what a person is doing to themselves.

I don't know if he has a problem, I am not saying he does. Maybe he just likes to drink beer. Nothing wrong with that.

I always told myself that when it started to affect things in my life I would stop...and I did.

My point in all this, is that when he is ready to slow down, he will. You can't change that...If you need to get out of the relationship because of him drinking, then do what's best for you..

OLeoLionessO

Take this from an alcoholic. (wow that feels weird to say outloud)...You asking him to drink less won't help. You demanding that he drinks less will make it works.

Most of the time it takes hitting a rock bottom to realize what a person is doing to themselves.

I don't know if he has a problem, I am not saying he does. Maybe he just likes to drink beer. Nothing wrong with that.

I always told myself that when it started to affect things in my life I would stop...and I did.

My point in all this, is that when he is ready to slow down, he will. You can't change that...If you need to get out of the relationship because of him drinking, then do what's best for you..

i dont wanna leave, i just want us to get better.....ive seen him be the way i felt for him and cared for him, just getting overwhelmed with life in general i guess...and hes in my life so obviously thats overwhelming too. i dont just give up, i try...

tinkerbellmad

It honestly sounds like you've out grown him Hun!! Sometimes when we have a partner we are side by side & change & evolve together sometimes 1 person changes a little ( in how they think, behave & look) and its ok as the partner still in sight, but on your journey it sounds like your miles in front of your partner there doesn't seem to be much connection to him anymore! He clearly values & does things so different to what your values are now? Sometimes this is ok if your still happy with each other, but in your case it doesn't sound like you are... A year is a very short amount of time... The biggest regret would be 10 / 20 years down the line & you look back & think I felt this way a year into our relationship & still nothing's changed! Good luck & listen to your gut not your head xx

aeisenkoelbl

I know you feel better just typing these things out and you have to expect people are going to give their opinion but you really should reread what you've written and decide if this is something you want to live with. I'm sure your bf has some great qualities you haven't mentioned but you need to look at the big picture. Every negative thing he does will impact you to some degree, decide what's worth it and what's not. Good luck and vent anytime - no judgment here.

sweetzoejane

Take this from an alcoholic. (wow that feels weird to say outloud)...You asking him to drink less won't help. You demanding that he drinks less will make it works.

Most of the time it takes hitting a rock bottom to realize what a person is doing to themselves.

I don't know if he has a problem, I am not saying he does. Maybe he just likes to drink beer. Nothing wrong with that.

I always told myself that when it started to affect things in my life I would stop...and I did.

My point in all this, is that when he is ready to slow down, he will. You can't change that...If you need to get out of the relationship because of him drinking, then do what's best for you..

i dont wanna leave, i just want us to get better.....ive seen him be the way i felt for him and cared for him, just getting overwhelmed with life in general i guess...and hes in my life so obviously thats overwhelming too. i dont just give up, i try...

Then you have to decide how long you will try, and then do it. Talk with him, tell him all of these things that bother you a great deal, and if he agrees or sees how and why they bother you, then set goals (like dates) for when you will come back and talk about how things have gotten better/not gotten better and go from there. Honestly, you can't try forever, and you can't force someone to change if they don't want to. The best you can do is describe the problem, offer solutions, help him stop the behavior that is bothering you in a reasonable and fair way, and then let him decide to be an adult and change. This is how adult relationships work best - when you both learn how to communicate with one another and do it. Otherwise, you'll either become incredibly angry and resentful and the breakup will be harder than it needs to be, or you'll continue being with someone you feel angry and resentful toward.

OLeoLionessO

Take this from an alcoholic. (wow that feels weird to say outloud)...You asking him to drink less won't help. You demanding that he drinks less will make it works.

Most of the time it takes hitting a rock bottom to realize what a person is doing to themselves.

I don't know if he has a problem, I am not saying he does. Maybe he just likes to drink beer. Nothing wrong with that.

I always told myself that when it started to affect things in my life I would stop...and I did.

My point in all this, is that when he is ready to slow down, he will. You can't change that...If you need to get out of the relationship because of him drinking, then do what's best for you..

i dont wanna leave, i just want us to get better.....ive seen him be the way i felt for him and cared for him, just getting overwhelmed with life in general i guess...and hes in my life so obviously thats overwhelming too. i dont just give up, i try...

Then you have to decide how long you will try, and then do it. Talk with him, tell him all of these things that bother you a great deal, and if he agrees or sees how and why they bother you, then set goals (like dates) for when you will come back and talk about how things have gotten better/not gotten better and go from there. Honestly, you can't try forever, and you can't force someone to change if they don't want to. The best you can do is describe the problem, offer solutions, help him stop the behavior that is bothering you in a reasonable and fair way, and then let him decide to be an adult and change. This is how adult relationships work best - when you both learn how to communicate with one another and do it. Otherwise, you'll either become incredibly angry and resentful and the breakup will be harder than it needs to be, or you'll continue being with someone you feel angry and resentful toward.

thanks was put very well, thanks a lot. lets hope something works or you are right....its going to end badly

Pepper_Pea

Nevermind your BF make sure you keep your dog in! All I could think of is some poor kid getting eaten because your boyfriend is irresponsible. In saying that it is your responsibility to keep him in. Its so serious! Make this your priority. Sorry I just had to say that. Too many kids here in NZ are viciously attacked because of owners who know their dogs are dangerious and don't ensure 100% that the dogs are safely kept away from hurting someone. I'm sure you are doing all you can but if you BF will not take responsibility you will have to step up even further. All I know is that if a dog attacked one of my children I'd make sure I left the same kind of mess of the owners.

irishblonde2011

Ok so I'm not going to throw around the break up line but I think you need to seriously think about this life is way too short.
You are together only a year why is this ok for you? What is it going to be like 10 years down the line?
You mentioned that he gave up drinking for lent and broke it. Did he CHOOSE to give up alcohol for lent by himself or did you suggest this? Is he reglious? I'm catholic by birth but not reglious so lent might not be a big deal to him if he does not go
to mass etc.

You say he is a big guy and you have gained weight and don't feel attracted or flirty anymore,
Does he want to lose weight or is he happy with himself? If he isn't happy ask him if he wants to start taking walks with you etc.
If he doesn't fair enough you keep doing what you are doing but if you have a workout planned etc you do it you don't change your plans to hang out. Ask him yes or no and don't you make up his mind for him or try to talk him into it.

As far as his drinking you do not get into a car with anyone who is drunk still drunk from the night before. Ever. I don't care where you have to go. You know now he can't be trusted to get you to work so start making your own plans from now on. No excuses!!
Also you need to make sure your dog is kept safe and away from children this is up to you because he has let you down before.

Do you go out together? Do you have fun?
Does he think he has a drinking problem? It's not good to be dealing with this a year into a relationship. Yes you will make up,be ok for a while,happens again and goes on and on. Do you really want go waste your life on this?

Ask him straight out is he willing to drink less? But you must accept his answer even if its not what you want to hear and then
you can make your choice.

Good luck :flowerforyou:

theCarlton

Sounds like it's been a pretty rough year. I wouldn't invest any further in the relationship if it were me. It costs too much when you start losing yourself in it. Good luck to you either way.

seventwenty