***More questions for anyone who is NOT a single parent or e
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1. How many people do you know that are raising a child(ren) alone? Are they male or female?
A few, but tbh no one I know particularly well. One of my best friends has a kid with his ex, but the girl is a raging ***** and won't let him see his boy because he won't give her extra money on top of the child support he pays (and she's admitted before the money is for her to spend, not for her to spend on the kid). Most of my friends are guys, and I know a few who've been prevented from seeing their kids for whatever reason - one because he moved on after him and the mum split up, so she won't let him see his kids because he's getting married to someone else. One of my friends, his ex partner had a daughter from a previous relationship. I don't know any balanced single parents from my generation, though my partner's mum raised him and his sisters on her own and she did it very well. A good friend of mine's mum raised her and her sister on her own as well and she did a cracking job, but I can't think of anyone my age who has.
2. Were you raised by a traditional parenting system or non-traditional? (Mom and dad, 2 dads, 2 moms, adopted, aunts, uncles, foster homes, institution, etc.)
I was raised by both parents, who are still together.
3. Do you think that single parents should be able to recieve public assistance if they need to to get their own independence?
In some specific cases (domestic abuse comes to mind) then yes, but in general no. My partner's ex has a preteen who she with ehr ex husband, and she basically left him and moved to the other side of the country because she fancied a change. I don't think people should be handed things on a plate basically just because they have children - apologies if that sounds harsh, but if you are employed (at least in the UK, not sure what it's like elsewhere) and not claiming dole from the state (or other benefits), and you DON'T have a child...you wouldn't get a cent. People should work for what they want, it's too easy to get given "free" money from the state, and I don't see why people with children should get special treatment. My friend's mum (the one who raised 2 kids on her own) is a strong and independant woman, she's got her own business and she's comfortable enough to have 3 homes - and she has always said that she started off with nothing when she had my friend (she's the older of the two), but the "getting there" is what's made her who she is today. If you get things handed to you without having to work hard for them, you don't appreciate it and you take it for granted.
4. Do you think that there are more people on welfare who are on drugs, single parents, or just plain lazy?
Where I'm from I think it's a variety of different reasons - most of my friends have been on the dole at some point after leaving uni, combination of there not being enough jobs, them being lazy, or them feeling a little "above" entry level jobs (but not qualified anough for the jobs they wanted). Tbh, I've got a friend who's a consipracy theorist, and he's on the dole because he refuses to pay nat insurance. Mostly I'd say lazy though.
5. Do you think there should be harsher laws for deadbeat dads? Or do you think its the mothers problem/fault?
I'm not sure what you mean here - if it's a case of child support, then possibly. But a lot of men who are classed as "deadbeat" may not have money and can't afford to pay for other reasons - unemployment for example. As for contact with his children - would you really want some guy to be a father to your kids who doesn't want to be? Surely that vibe will rub off on your kids - not nice at all! And I know of a few guys whose exes have asked for (and got) child support - but then spent none of the money on the child!
6. Do you believe that people have kids just to get welfare?
Most definitely, yes. Not everybody of course, but you can kind of tell who's had kids just so they could get free money.0 -
1. How many people do you know that are raising a child(ren) alone? Are they male or female?
One, Female
2. Were you raised by a traditional parenting system or non-traditional? (Mom and dad, 2 dads, 2 moms, adopted, aunts, uncles, foster homes, institution, etc.)
Traditional
3. Do you think that single parents should be able to recieve public assistance if they need to to get their own independence?
No
4. Do you think that there are more people on welfare who are on drugs, single parents, or just plain lazy?
Yes
5. Do you think there should be harsher laws for deadbeat dads? Or do you think its the mothers problem/fault?
I think both parents should be equally responsible.
6. Do you believe that people have kids just to get welfare?
Yes0 -
1. How many people do you know that are raising a child(ren) alone? Are they male or female? 2 female, I probably know a lot more but just can't think of them off hand.
2. Were you raised by a traditional parenting system or non-traditional? Traditional
3. Do you think that single parents should be able to recieve public assistance if they need to to get their own independence? It depends one of the single mothers I know chose to be a single mother by going to a sperm bank she should not receive public assistance since it was her choice to have the baby, while the other one I know took maternity leave and just never went back to work so was unemployed until her unemployement ran out and she was doing drugs in situations like this I think it would be better for a new born that could be adopted to be taken out of the home early.
4. Do you think that there are more people on welfare who are on drugs, single parents, or just plain lazy? I think alot of people right now are on welfare since they have lost their jobs from the economy especially where I live since most of them worked in the banking industry, I do think there are people that will abuse the situation what ever way they can but the majority of people are using it to get by.
5. Do you think there should be harsher laws for deadbeat dads? Or do you think its the mothers problem/fault? Deadbeat dads/moms are the scum of the earth. If you can't afford the child support any more then go back to the courts and get it changed don't just not pay. There is no excuse.
6. Do you believe that people have kids just to get welfare? A small minority yes but the majority of people I think have true reasons for needing the welfare.0 -
1. One. She is female
2. I was raised by a Mom, Stepdad and Dad. They got along really really well.
3. For a limited amount of time. No more than 2 years
4. Yes, all of the above. The system is being abused, beyond any doubt. It is sickening. We have created generations of people who want nothing more than to get their sittin at home checks. I knew someone who threw herself a party because she finally qualified for lifelong disability. The disability? Obesity.
5. No I don't believe in court-ordered child support. If a mother decides she wants to divorce, and break her vows to her husband and God, then she should understand that by walking away from the man she is also walking away from his paycheck. If she doesn't want to pay for raising those kids, let the Dad have them. Or, she could just honor her vows and stay married. You know, till death do them part...I don't believe a parent should get to take the children away from their other parent and then get paid for it. On the other hand, if parents come to an amicable agreement between themselves regarding the financial aspects of raising a child, then they can and should adhere to what they agreed to. But I do not want the courts involved, nor law enforcement.
6. Of course they do. More kids = a bigger check. Planned parenthood will give out pills/condoms for free, so "lack of birth control" is BS.
What if it's the Dad that leaves or cheats or whatever the case may be? It's not always the mom's fault.
I feel the same regardless of gender. People do not take marriage or the creation of children seriously at all. If they took it more seriously, I believe most of the problems discussed here would be eliminated.
I couldn't agree more!0 -
1. One. She is female
2. I was raised by a Mom, Stepdad and Dad. They got along really really well.
3. For a limited amount of time. No more than 2 years
4. Yes, all of the above. The system is being abused, beyond any doubt. It is sickening. We have created generations of people who want nothing more than to get their sittin at home checks. I knew someone who threw herself a party because she finally qualified for lifelong disability. The disability? Obesity.
5. No I don't believe in court-ordered child support. If a mother decides she wants to divorce, and break her vows to her husband and God, then she should understand that by walking away from the man she is also walking away from his paycheck. If she doesn't want to pay for raising those kids, let the Dad have them. Or, she could just honor her vows and stay married. You know, till death do them part...I don't believe a parent should get to take the children away from their other parent and then get paid for it. On the other hand, if parents come to an amicable agreement between themselves regarding the financial aspects of raising a child, then they can and should adhere to what they agreed to. But I do not want the courts involved, nor law enforcement.
6. Of course they do. More kids = a bigger check. Planned parenthood will give out pills/condoms for free, so "lack of birth control" is BS.
I would just like to put in my opinion here.....some mothers have to walk away from the man before they are beaten to death. I was married for 5 years to my son's father who beat me on a daily basis, infront of my children and then threatened to kill me when i tried to leave many times before. He is a raging alcoholic he parked my 3 children in a bar parking lot at 11pm on a Monday night in December of 2008 and didn't come out until my oldest son accidenlty set off the alarm at 1:30am. My 3 year old so now has to go to a psychotherapist because his father was sitting him in a back room and allowing his to watch Michael Myers for hours and hours on visitation while he drank with his friends in the living room. My son thinks its okay now for people to get killed and that Michael Myers is his friend.
Not sure about your background, but that is mine. I do think that child support should be paid by the other parent because if you helf create them, you can help pay for them. Its not my fault my kids dad decided to be a ****.0 -
1. 3 all female
2. single mother
3. yes
4. Single parents.
5. yes. It is not the mother's fault or problem but I don't thinking putting them in jail and preventing them form working to pay the back support is the solution. Maybe work release with jail on the weekends?
6. yes. I grew up in public housing and saw a lot of this going on. When the benefits were about to stop and they would have to go to work, they would have another baby.0 -
I know roughly 5 single parents all whom are mothers. I was raised by a single father until the age of 11 when he met my stepmom (who is wonderful by the way). I believe that if a single parent honestly cannot raise a child on there own and needs assistance then, yes, absolutely they deserve help; but, at the same time, if these deadbeat parents would own up to having a child and pay their child support, we probably wouldn't have this issue. This one may offend some but here goes. Where I am from it's very frustrating to see people on welfere and food stamps. The majority of them on food stamps and living in the projects drive mercedes and BMW's, but I can barely afford to feed my family of 5 on one income but yet, they say my husband earns too much to get food stamps WTH. I think there should be harsher laws on not only deadbeat dads, but deadbeat moms as well. I don't think it's the single parent's fault that the other won't pay. I don't think people have kids to get on welfare, I think people have more kids because welfare will pay for it but not birth control. Hope this helps you out!
I don't think the intention of this post was to debate social issues but I have to make a comment. I grew up in public housing and the vast majority of people were single mothers with NO car. The very few people who did have cars were old beaters. There was not one person in the entire complex with a Mercedes, BMW or anything close to it. I know there are exeptions like drug dealers living in projects with fancy cars but to say that the MAJORITY of the people on food stamps and in the projects drive Mercedes and BMW's is ridiculous. Many people do have kids to get on and stay welfare. I have seen it.0 -
1. How many people do you know that are raising a child(ren) alone? Are they male or female?
12 - 8 are females and 4 are males
2. Were you raised by a traditional parenting system or non-traditional? (Mom and dad, 2 dads, 2 moms, adopted, aunts, uncles, foster homes, institution, etc.)
i was raised by a traditional parenting system - one mom and one dad.
3. Do you think that single parents should be able to recieve public assistance if they need to to get their own independence?
I do. I was a single mom for the first 5 years of my sons life. I was lucky enough to be able to live with my parents until I was financially stable enough to support us both fully. If not - it would have been nice to have known that I had help to fall back on. As it was, the only "assistance" that I took was medical assistance for my son - more on that in the answer to question #5.
4. Do you think that there are more people on welfare who are on drugs, single parents, or just plain lazy?
I'm honestly not sure what I think. I'm sure that there are some of all of them... but I can't honestly say that I've given a lot of thought to who is on welfare and why.
5. Do you think there should be harsher laws for deadbeat dads? Or do you think its the mothers problem/fault?
I think that people need to take responsibility for their actions. If you have a child, it's your job to put that child first and make sure that he/she is taken care of. In the same respect, I left the man that I was engaged to because he was abusive. It was only after I had made the break that I found out that I was pregnant. I made the choice not to tell him about the baby... I made the choice to protect not only myself, but my child. When I looked into assistance (child care, housing, etc.) I was told that I would have to release the name of the father to allow them to go after him for child support. That was not going to happen. I couldn't let it happen. So I lived with my parents, worked every temp job that I could to gain experience and learned to make my dollars stretch, It was not optimal and it was not easy... but it worked. I don't think that releasing the father's name should be a knock out factor for asisstance.... there should have been a way around that requirement.
6. Do you believe that people have kids just to get welfare?
Maybe... but I don't think that there are as many as people want to believe. I honestly believe that most people are trying to do the best that they can and sometimes people find themselves in situations that they can't get out of.0 -
5. Do you think there should be harsher laws for deadbeat dads? Or do you think its the mothers problem/fault?
I think that people need to take responsibility for their actions. If you have a child, it's your job to put that child first and make sure that he/she is taken care of. In the same respect, I left the man that I was engaged to because he was abusive. It was only after I had made the break that I found out that I was pregnant. I made the choice not to tell him about the baby... I made the choice to protect not only myself, but my child. When I looked into assistance (child care, housing, etc.) I was told that I would have to release the name of the father to allow them to go after him for child support. That was not going to happen. I couldn't let it happen. So I lived with my parents, worked every temp job that I could to gain experience and learned to make my dollars stretch, It was not optimal and it was not easy... but it worked. I don't think that releasing the father's name should be a knock out factor for asisstance.... there should have been a way around that requirement.
They will allow you to sign a waiver stating that the involvement of this man may be dangerous to yours or your childs well-being. They can persist with an order for child support while keeping your information private from him and even put PPOs in place for your protection. I'm sad to see that so many women are not given the proper information when it comes to things like this. I had a similar situation. I know that it is hard to face so many people and have to explain yourself time and time again. Not everybody is sympathetic, and some are just plain mean. Thankfully, my case was always kept private. They just found him a few weeks ago and he has no parental rights whatsoever. Ten years was a long time to wait for that phone call, but it was worth it.
The reason for it them wanting his information up front is because many women claim to not know the fathers information, collect aid, and daddy pays her on the side to keep his name out of it. I know several women who have done this. When a woman applies for aid, they need to establish why she can't provide for herself. If the father is not involved, they will do everything to get him to pay. From establishing paternity, legal aid, and enforcing the order of child support. That eventually reduces the cost on the state. They will make sure that father pays for whatever the state has given that mother in aid. Medical bills, food stamps, cash assistance, gas money..... But so many women protect the father. So many women don't see that they wouldn't even need aid if they just cooperated and stopped protecting him.
I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that. Its great that you had family to rely on. And good for you for achieving independence! I like stories like that, they are empowering to other women who may feel like it is impossible.0 -
Thanks - it's not so much a concern anymore... but 12 1/2 years ago it was a nightmare. When I called they asked if I had ever called the police and when I told them no - they said that they would have a hard time proving that there was abuse. For me... it was not worth the risk of putting it out there.
I'm married now to a wonderful man who also "married" my son (they took vows to one another as well). My only issue now is that he would like to adopt my son - but from what we've learned, the "donor" would need to sign off his paternal rights.... like he should have any to begin with?0 -
Thanks - it's not so much a concern anymore... but 12 1/2 years ago it was a nightmare. When I called they asked if I had ever called the police and when I told them no - they said that they would have a hard time proving that there was abuse. For me... it was not worth the risk of putting it out there.
I'm married now to a wonderful man who also "married" my son (they took vows to one another as well). My only issue now is that he would like to adopt my son - but from what we've learned, the "donor" would need to sign off his paternal rights.... like he should have any to begin with?
There may be ways around that as well. I would contact an attorney that specializes in adoption laws. If he never pursued you for rights to his child, they may be able to go before a judge and prove that he gave up his rights by default of his own. That is where I am now. After 10 years he never made an effort, never responded to the letters, and never showed up to any court dates. Therefore, his name goes on the birth certificate by default and he would have to get his own lawyer to fight for any rights because they have essentially been withdrawn for him. Only I can have a say in it, and I say NOPE.
Anyway, I hope I can someday get to where you are. I'd love to have a bigger family. I'd love for my daughter to have a father.0 -
5. No I don't believe in court-ordered child support. If a mother decides she wants to divorce, and break her vows to her husband and God, then she should understand that by walking away from the man she is also walking away from his paycheck. If she doesn't want to pay for raising those kids, let the Dad have them. Or, she could just honor her vows and stay married. You know, till death do them part...I don't believe a parent should get to take the children away from their other parent and then get paid for it. On the other hand, if parents come to an amicable agreement between themselves regarding the financial aspects of raising a child, then they can and should adhere to what they agreed to. But I do not want the courts involved, nor law enforcement.
I went to bed last night thinking about this statement... the one where you said "Or, she could just honor her vows and stay married. You know, till death do them part..." I guess it hit home because I left an abusive relationship because that "till death do them part" part seemed like it was going to come a heck of a lot sooner than it should. I know that there are many other parents (women and men) who are also in that situation. Should they just leave the kids with an abusive or unstable person so that they can get out? If they take their kids out of an unsafe environment should the abusive parent get away with not having to support their child? I'm just curious what your opinion is on circumstances where an amicable split is not possible?0 -
1. How many people do you know that are raising a child(ren) alone? Are they male or female?
<1 that I know personally. Female>
2. Were you raised by a traditional parenting system or non-traditional? (Mom and dad, 2 dads, 2 moms, adopted, aunts, uncles, foster homes, institution, etc.)
<Traditional nuclear family. Birth mother, adoptive father, one sister>
3. Do you think that single parents should be able to recieve public assistance if they need to to get their own independence?
<Yes. The needs of the child are paramount. If anyone needs help to take care of their kids they should get it.>
4. Do you think that there are more people on welfare who are on drugs, single parents, or just plain lazy?
<What do do you mean by "more"?, question is unclear. I believe that most people on welfare are culturally impoverished and were not raised within a family that taught the value of education. They grew up on welfare or within a family that lived a decent lower middle class life on the earnings of one or more non-educated adults. They grew up expecting to be able to do the same, but the income distribution in the society has changed and it's very difficult for high-school grads to earn that kind of living anymore. Many are single parents, some are lazy, a few are on drugs. I do believe that given the choice between working hard at a job that is personally and financially rewarding and living well OR sitting in a cockroach infested trailer waiting for the next welfare check & foodstamps that will finance survival but not enjoyment of life - most people would opt for the career. Unfortunately many people do not get to make that choice.>
5. Do you think there should be harsher laws for deadbeat dads? Or do you think its the mothers problem/fault?
<Parents should provide for their children>
6. Do you believe that people have kids just to get welfare?
<I believe that a very few welfare recipients play this game. There is always a minority taking advantage of any system. I do not believe that the number is high enough to warrant withholding benefits from the majority of decent folks who need help>0 -
I wish I hadn't come in here. I'm newly divorced with a husband who cheated on me I don't even know how many times and was verbally abusive for 20 years. He left me for a woman who is 17 years older and has several grown children. I would say I took my marriage very seriously and would still be in it if he hadn't left, but now after reading some of these replies I feel hurt and depressed by the assumptions some people will now make about me.
I will have to be better about quitting threads as soon as I see it's taking a potentially offensive direction. It's not the OP's fault or anyone else's fault I just need to get it out and I do see she requested PM's and people posted publicly anyway.
Just for me, I need to say please don't assume every single parent is just irresponsible or didn't take marriage or the creation of children seriously. Sometimes *kitten* just happens, and you probably won't get that until it happens to you.0 -
Dont' take it personally bug. Everybody runs their own race and sees the world from their point of view. Most of us do the best we can.
A lot of this stuff is about expectations.
If you come from a family of Yale alums, the idea of sinking so low as to go to Penn State is heartbreaking. If you come from a family on welfare, the idea of getting an Associate's degree at the community college is a wild dream. I did 2 years of night school and got a 'degree' that most people would laugh at, and my half-brother derides me and calls me "College boy".
Some folks just can't imagine how somebody gets on welfare, how somebody winds up there. They might imagine these people must have said No thanks when Mumsy and Daddy said "Come on buffy - get in the Range Rover and we'll drive you to Dartmouth".
That guy at the welfare office might have just lost his job pumping out portajons. He doesn't want to ask for help, but he's got kids and no choices. He quit school in 11th grade 'cause he thought he'd make a decent living at the mill like his dad did - but the mill closed down and all the rules got changed and things haven't worked out the way he planned. He's not lazy, he'd rather be an orthodontist of course,,, but he didn't get that option, and it's not fair for folks who did get that choice to judge him.
<<Full disclosure - I grew up on a steady diet of 'dumb engineer' stories. I came out of high school honestly believing that 4 years of college would just make you dumber - it's what I was taught all my life. I went back to school when I was 24 years old and had 2 kids. D and I clawed our way into the decent tax-paying middle class life we have today by sheer heroic effort,,, plus a little bit of help. I refuse to denounce welfare & food stamps & stafford stu loans & unemployment,,, these are the things that helped me get where I am today, and I refuse to withhold them from others. And I'm a little testy about it.>>0 -
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4. Do you think that there are more people on welfare who are on drugs, single parents, or just plain lazy?
<What do do you mean by "more"?, question is unclear. I believe that most people on welfare are culturally impoverished and were not raised within a family that taught the value of education. They grew up on welfare or within a family that lived a decent lower middle class life on the earnings of one or more non-educated adults. They grew up expecting to be able to do the same, but the income distribution in the society has changed and it's very difficult for high-school grads to earn that kind of living anymore. Many are single parents, some are lazy, a few are on drugs. I do believe that given the choice between working hard at a job that is personally and financially rewarding and living well OR sitting in a cockroach infested trailer waiting for the next welfare check & foodstamps that will finance survival but not enjoyment of life - most people would opt for the career. Unfortunately many people do not get to make that choice.>
That question didn't come out quite the way I was thinking. I should have worded it better.
Do you think majority of welfare recipients are single parents, drug addicts, or just plain lazy.
I asked this because it seems that more and more people are misunderstanding what these programs are for. I think that people see things happen in their community and judge the whole system. For example, I've gotten the email about drug testing for welfare recipients more times than I can count. I made a comment on someones facebook page who posted it on there and it became the most uneducated debate I've ever experienced. There was a collective opinion that A) most people on welfare are drug addicts
they all knew this because they see these people come in to cash their checks (this person and her friends were all party store/check cashing store owners or family members of the owners) C) anyone who uses drugs should go to jail and the kids should be taken away.
A) Majority of the people on welfare in the US are women, children, disabled, or elderly. Welfare no longer passes out checks, they utlized an EBT card system. The people they were referring to were most likely cashing social security, disability, or unemployment checks.
C) Removing children from the home as a first resort costs the state more money and causes severe trauma to a child. Besides, how do you determine where to draw the line? A mom who holds a job but just needs a little help with medical insurance for her kids and maybe a few bucks in foodstamps for a temporary amount of time, smokes a doobie at a Fourth of July BBQ while her kids were safe with a sitter. She will test just as positive as the mom who turns tricks for heroine, commits welfare fraud, and passes out with a needle in her arm while her kid is left hungry and in a dirty diaper. I don't know if those two are equal, regadless of the fact that drugs are illegal. But according to the debate, if you need any help whatsoever, it counts.
(BTW, I went to high school with all these people that started this debate. Those party stores they own? In someone elses name, often someone from overseas exempt from paying taxes. These people ALL recieved free lunch at school back in the day and the government food program. Mom and dad always drove the nicest cars in the neighborhood and the kids all got nice cars when they got to high school. They never wear anything that isn't designer. Nails, toes, always done. All the best makeup, skincare, and tanning packages. They always paid for everything with cash...picture a 16 year old with 500 cash in his pocket on a daily basis....recieveing free lunch at school....They all to this day work for cash at said party stores so they don't even pay the taxes that they complain about going to the druggies. Well, some have taken mediocre jobs to cover for what they do. And they ALL sell, smoked or smoke pot.) Funny huh?
Anyway, I just wondered what people thought outside of the Detroit area, so I could incoropate it into the presentation. Looking back, I wish I had worded it better. But its done and overwith now.
Thanks for your input. I really appreciate your answer to this question even if it was unclear. I loved your answer.0 -
<<Full disclosure - I grew up on a steady diet of 'dumb engineer' stories. I came out of high school honestly believing that 4 years of college would just make you dumber - it's what I was taught all my life. I went back to school when I was 24 years old and had 2 kids. D and I clawed our way into the decent tax-paying middle class life we have today by sheer heroic effort,,, plus a little bit of help. I refuse to denounce welfare & food stamps & stafford stu loans & unemployment,,, these are the things that helped me get where I am today, and I refuse to withhold them from others. And I'm a little testy about it.>>
Good for you! I came from a family that worked for the big 3. My dad dropped out of school at 17 for a job with the big 3 making more than his own father. No one EVER thought the things that have happened could happen. We all thought we could got to work for the auto industry and be set. We were willing to be blue collar because it was a dream job. Great pay, benefits, well respected.... Why go to college when you can go to work? That was then. My crystal ball never saw what was coming.....0 -
1. Too many to count! Most if not all are femalse.
2. Traditional home
3. Yes the children should never suffer b/c they parent can't provide
4. Plain lazy.... I'm not saying everyone that is on government assistant is lazy. I do know people that work hard and still can not make ends meet to support their family. I have no problem with people needing some assistance in these types of cases. Its the people that don't try to get a job. That just sit around and expect Uncle Sam to support them!
5. I definitely believe there should be harsher laws for dead beat dads. The children were not conceived by one person, it took two!
6. I do believe there are some that intintially do try to have more children to receive more government aide. Once again not everyone but there are some out there.0 -
5. No I don't believe in court-ordered child support. If a mother decides she wants to divorce, and break her vows to her husband and God, then she should understand that by walking away from the man she is also walking away from his paycheck. If she doesn't want to pay for raising those kids, let the Dad have them. Or, she could just honor her vows and stay married. You know, till death do them part...I don't believe a parent should get to take the children away from their other parent and then get paid for it. On the other hand, if parents come to an amicable agreement between themselves regarding the financial aspects of raising a child, then they can and should adhere to what they agreed to. But I do not want the courts involved, nor law enforcement.
I went to bed last night thinking about this statement... the one where you said "Or, she could just honor her vows and stay married. You know, till death do them part..." I guess it hit home because I left an abusive relationship because that "till death do them part" part seemed like it was going to come a heck of a lot sooner than it should. I know that there are many other parents (women and men) who are also in that situation. Should they just leave the kids with an abusive or unstable person so that they can get out? If they take their kids out of an unsafe environment should the abusive parent get away with not having to support their child? I'm just curious what your opinion is on circumstances where an amicable split is not possible?
since you asked me directly, I'll answer you directly. I hope everyone understands I'm just giving my opinion when asked, and I am not passing judgment on anyone. I'll describe my own experiences as an illustration to why I formed my opinions, and they have little or no bearing on anyone else's life other than my own. If you disagree with me, that's ok. Your self-worth should not be tied to the opinion of a stranger on the internet. My thoughts and rules about myself only extend to myself. You are free to live your life how you choose. All that said, here is my opinion.
I believe marriage is a permanent decision. I do not believe a majority of others hold this same belief. Marriage is viewed as a thing to do when you've been dating someone for a certain length of time, when you're excited about the idea of throwing a wedding, when you "love" them. I think the decision to marry should be treated as the most serious decision you'll ever make. I think marriage should be a decision made after you have lived a good portion of your adult life, imo, if you can't legally raise a glass of champagne at your own wedding, you're MUCH too young. My self-prescribed minimum marriage age is around 30. When I was in my early 20's, I was living with my boyfriend, who I had very strong feelings for. But since I am very firm on my beliefs that marriage is forever, I wasn't ready to make the decision to marry him, or even become engaged to him. I did think (at the time) he was the one I would marry, but the time wasn't right to make that decision YET. After we had been together for nearly three years, his true personality began to show through his carefully constructed facade. He became jealous and possessive, he threw objects around and once, when angry, he punched the wall and broke his own hand. These behaviors didn't surface right away, it took some time to show. When I learned of his true nature, I left him. Since we weren't married, and we hadn't created children, it was a matter of moving my belongings out and I was free of him. I understand many women are in much more violent situations, and I am not attempting to make it seem as though leaving someone who is like that is easy, because it isn't. However, it was much easier than getting a divorce or arguing over custody of children would have been. My next boyfriend was much more wonderful, and after spending 7 1/2 years with him, I felt I was ready to make the decision to marry. After 7 1/2 years, I knew him inside and out, upside and down. I had seen his best and worst and I knew exactly who I was marrying. I feel secure that I know his true nature, and I am secure in the knowledge that my marriage will be till death do us part. I know folks who have decided to marry after knowing/dating their partners for 6 mos. This is absurd to my way of thinking. How well do you know someone after six months? IMO, not very well. I always wonder why someone would have or continue having children when the partner is showing signs of domestic violence, why someone would do that to themselves or to their children. If a mother is in danger, she should of course remove herself and her children from danger. But even better would have been to figure out who you are thinking about marrying, and consider carefully whether to do it. If someone is your perfect soulmate, they still will be in a year, five years, always. Why enter into a marriage or create children until you know it will be 1. forever and 2. safe? I don't have a solution for those in the predicament. I can only describe what I feel would prevent it. Every particular situation is different, so I think legislating family law is a very difficult thing. But it is my belief that if marriage was treated as irrevocable, perhaps more folks would be much more careful about who they marry. Since divorce is seen as a viable option, and a woman (in more cases than the man) can continue to enjoy the financial benefits of the man's labors, it isn't surprising to me that marriage is seemingly so disposable. I know a woman who married a man she knew was violent, and subjected her children to the tyranny of that stepfather, because she "knew her kids were tough enough to take it." She remained married to him for ten years, long enough to secure herself permanent alimony from him. She did this because he was wealthy. She only wanted a paycheck. I'm not suggesting this kind of thing is widespread, but the way our laws are written allows it to occur.
Another thought- if a man is so violent that a woman needs to flee with her children in order to protect herself and them, there are myriad support systems she can look to that would help her with financial needs, both governmental and private charitable organizations. Also, would you want such a violent man to be forced to pay you, and increase his resentment and anger towards you? Would you want him to have your address?0 -
Another thought- if a man is so violent that a woman needs to flee with her children in order to protect herself and them, there are myriad support systems she can look to that would help her with financial needs, both governmental and private charitable organizations. Also, would you want such a violent man to be forced to pay you, and increase his resentment and anger towards you? Would you want him to have your address?
Just want to jump in and provide some correct information.
First, I respect your opinion. So I don't want to debate.
I just want to clear up this last satement you made. Those support systems that help women fleeing from situations have to be funded from somewhere. They (the state) make the man cover these costs whenever possible so that they have enough to help everyone. Charitable organisations won't require the fathers info, but they will ask if he is paying child support. They will refer you to do what you need to do to get child support. And they can only help so much.
The state will provide support, but they don't just give it to anyone who says they came from a bad situation. People can lie, they try it all the time. There has to be proof of abuse to show that there is just cause for not pursuing support. Once you apply for assistance, your life becomes their business. If you cooperate, they will help you. If not, they show you the door. Once paternity is established, they send the case to FOC. They will charge that man for every penny of assistance that they gave you. Its not just him paying you, he owes the government and tax payers as well. In addition, they will also expect him to provide an allowance....meant for the childrens care and upbringing, not for mom to have pretty nails and toes all the time......And they will determine if he can be a part of their life or not.
This is not only true for single parent families. My aunt and uncle had medicaid with their first two children. They were married, just without health insurance. As soon as my uncle got a promotion and bonus that provided medical and enough money for them move out of the city, he got a bill. He had to pay it too. Something like $25,000. Even welfare has collectors, they have to keep the pot filled somehow. The American people will not allow their tax dollars to go to waste no matter who is in office or how much someone needs help.
In the end, if the man is truly determined to be a danger to the children, they will make him pay but remove his parental rights. Or require him to seek therapy, anger management, parenting classes, etc. They may allow supervised visitation, they may determine that he can have the kids all summer if he wants.
All in all, no woman will ever be able to walk away from an abusive situation and expect to walk into a government agency and get help like that. Yes, maybe she had kids too quickly or got married too fast, but so did he. The responsibility cannot only fall on the mother and the state while they let the man go on living his life. It just isn't financially responsible. The government can't create money to help people, they take it from our taxes. They can't just support families in need and not have a way to replace it. So, they go after the father. Also, they will keep information private. His payments go to FOC, not to the mother unless that is agreed upon in court. They will protect the mother and children by any means necessary, and then charge the father for it. He never has to know where thay are. I know this, have experienced this, and trust this to be true.
Anyway, I don't want to debate these issues really, because my purpose was to collect opinions for my research. I truly respect everyones opinion. However, I'm in this field because I'm passionate about it. I want to raise awareness about it. I just want to make sure that the myths, stereotypes, and judgements get properly cleared up. Hope you can see where I'm coming from.
Holly0
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