How do i become happy in my own skin?

btleluv64

I have always suffered with self imagery problems, anorexia, and very low self esteem. I had a very rough childhood, and just never developed any confidence... im almost 21 now, and ive been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we are so happy together. I just hate my body, and its really a damper on the relationship. he says he thinks im perfect and beautiful the way i am, but i think im flabby and gross looking. I'm 5'5 and about 120 lbs. im just really un toned and have jiggily legs, a fat belly, and fat arms..... ive tried to keep a healthy weight and exercise plan going, but our lives are just way too hectic and busy, plus i just get depressed and have no motivation to exercise and i have no friends that are girls..... i always hangout with guys, and they never want to exercise, plus its just kinda weird..... idk what to do, im just extremely depressed and would like for things to change, but i dont want to starve myself again, i got too unhealthy and sick..... i like eating now, but i dont have enough time to eat healthy, so ive just been eating junk and getting so flabby..... all i want is to be happy and content in my own body, but idk how..... any suggestions?

casy84

I think this gets better with age, but I don't know if it ever goes away. In my HW days I was avoiding people all the time, but now I do go out. I will never be confident in a bikini no matter how good I look, so starving is not an option. Maybe try to do some sports because it will make you happier.

BluePHX

There's a book by Marci Shimoff called "Love for No Reason" that addresses this exact issue. Maybe it'd be worth a read. They have it cheap on Amazon.

You gotta tell yourself you can do this and then give yourself permission to make the time. Your boyfriend will completely understand if he's a good guy, and you can start small and work your way up. No matter how hectic your schedule may be, there is ALWAYS time to get healthy. ALWAYS. So tell yourself you're not gonna make anymore excuses and that you are ready to be the you you really deserve. No excuses. No delays. There is absolutely nothing standing in the way of who you want to be except for yourself and the voice in your head that's telling you that you can't.

woolygrandma123

I know exactly what you mean,,i am 56 and still trying to find the key, i think the answer lies in learning to accept yourself, very hard when you are programmed not to.

fresh air and exercise helps me a lot, when that inner voice gets going talk louder and tell it to buzz off.

try reading "The Tao of Pooh" by Benjamin Hoff it is positive reassurance written around the Winnie the Pooh tales and is Fantastic,,,as Pooh says "everyone is special,everyone has their place"

TavistockToad

you say you don t'have enough time' to eat healthy or exercise.... what does a normal day for you look like?

nobody HAS time if they work, have kid, study etc etc, but if you want to change you MAKE time.

meeper123

I have always suffered with self imagery problems, anorexia, and very low self esteem. I had a very rough childhood, and just never developed any confidence... im almost 21 now, and ive been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we are so happy together. I just hate my body, and its really a damper on the relationship. he says he thinks im perfect and beautiful the way i am, but i think im flabby and gross looking. I'm 5'5 and about 120 lbs. im just really un toned and have jiggily legs, a fat belly, and fat arms..... ive tried to keep a healthy weight and exercise plan going, but our lives are just way too hectic and busy, plus i just get depressed and have no motivation to exercise and i have no friends that are girls..... i always hangout with guys, and they never want to exercise, plus its just kinda weird..... idk what to do, im just extremely depressed and would like for things to change, but i dont want to starve myself again, i got too unhealthy and sick..... i like eating now, but i dont have enough time to eat healthy, so ive just been eating junk and getting so flabby..... all i want is to be happy and content in my own body, but idk how..... any suggestions?

Someone wise once told me no one can love you until you love yourself you owe it to yourself to focus on the positive things about you and physically i have seen you for ten seconds and can tell you at least five things i see beautiful about you and i only see half your face

meeper123

Try to find something that makes you happy and healthy 45-60 mins a day to spend on yourself you will really be much happier once you see what you can do

sarski77

I know it's difficult to accept but, just like I have been for many many years, you are your worst enemy.
However, the good news is that you can really achieve what you want if you put your mind to it.

Don't take this the wrong way - I'm just telling you what I think would've genuinely helped me at your age, 10 years ago or so.

Having a busy life is an excuse you are using to somehow make yourself feel better and justify eating junk.

There are plenty of things you can do that will fit into a busy lifestyle but first you need to accept that you WILL NOT magically wake up one morning and your problems will all be gone. This will not happen. YOU need to make that change. Just like you need to accept that losing weight will not solve all of your self-confidence problems - I can't deny that feeling healthy makes me feel better about myself but real self-confidence comes from within and has nothing to do with a number on the scales.

I just don't want you to make my same mistakes.. Are YOU ready to take charge, put the excuses away and make positive changes?

Natihilator

Forget the concept of needing an exercise buddy. If you need a friend to even start working out, that means that you are relying on someone else for motivation so when that person can't be there for you or isn't up to it, you're back to square one. For me, one healthy step triggers a chain reaction. When I work out regularly, I tend to make better eating choices, and I also feel better about my body and myself.

Loving your body isn't something you're going to magically get in the mail one day, and it's not guaranteed once you've reached your goal weight either. It's a relationship that you have to work at developing over time. Set small fitness or strength goals for yourself. When I lift weights that are heavier than my last workout, I feel good about my body's abilities to progress and improve, and that seeps over into feeling good about my body image.

You can be your own cheerleader.

btleluv64

Wow, thank you both so much i wasn't expecting a response so quickly. I will definatley check those two books out, i find that reading does help sometimes. Its just kind of hard because im not a materialistic person at all, and image means nothing to me for other people... I just love people for who they are, because appearance doesn't matter, its all about your spirit and personality and experiences through life, i love nature and animals, and just the simple things in life. Buti just have this horrible image problem from growing up in a strongly negative environment. But i will definatley check those books out, thank you! and good luck to you all as well!

btleluv64

Try to find something that makes you happy and healthy 45-60 mins a day to spend on yourself you will really be much happier once you see what you can do

Thank you so much, you are right i just need to focus on getting my mind happy and healthy before anything else
you've helped a lot, and good luck with what ever goals you are trying to achieve, I know you can do it!

Dekitara

(Edited post to cut out boring stuff)

The way I find works best to fit more stuff in my day is the '21 day habit project'.

Make yourself a chart for 21 days. Set yourself one thing to do every day, and by the end of those 21 days it will become habit and you can add something else. For me it was 20 mins dancing around like an idiot. But that became signing up to a weekly dance class, and then running at the weekends, and then adding strength training in the evenings. Once you get that initial spark to do something you'll always find time for it. And once you start finding time for yourself, you'll start liking yourself a bit more.

You've already got the foundations there. You see what's really important in other people. I promise you one day you'll be able to see the same in yourself. Just hang in there

btleluv64

(Edited post to cut out boring stuff)

The way I find works best to fit more stuff in my day is the '21 day habit project'.

Make yourself a chart for 21 days. Set yourself one thing to do every day, and by the end of those 21 days it will become habit and you can add something else. For me it was 20 mins dancing around like an idiot. But that became signing up to a weekly dance class, and then running at the weekends, and then adding strength training in the evenings. Once you get that initial spark to do something you'll always find time for it. And once you start finding time for yourself, you'll start liking yourself a bit more.

You've already got the foundations there. You see what's really important in other people. I promise you one day you'll be able to see the same in yourself. Just hang in there

Wow, you brought tears to my eyes... =') Im so sorry that you suffer from BDD, i know how difficult it truely is but im glad youre doing better! I really think your idea for the chart is brilliant, and ive tried stuff like that before..... i just get too deppressed and give up. I know it sounds lame, but its just really hard for me to find any kind of motivation. And i love dancing like an idiot, i just some how feel like someone is watching everytime i do it lol not that i would care..... its just a funny thought! and I am a vegetarian living with my bfs family who eats fast food EVERYDAY! and i grew up with home cooked meals and natural foods, so its just kind of difficult for me to take charge and make a meal sometimes..... again its a self confidence thing, im really indecisive and kinda just go with the flow of whatever makes things easiest to not cause conflict. I know theres no excuse! lol but i thought id further explain.

btleluv64

and that stuff was NOT BORING, it was very helpful!

Dekitara

I still get a bit weirded out when I talk about myself too much....force of habit hahaha.

I know what you mean about getting depressed/unmotivated. Actually the best thing to do seems really dumb but it got me from being a complete recluse to not being able to stay indoors. You could try setting up a token economy. Basically, you reward yourself every time you do something good So for the first week I would make a note of every time I managed a 20min dance like an idiot session. I gave myself a piece of memo paper and told myself when I have 7 I would trade them in for a treat for myself. It super helps to have someone to sort of police the system. The next week I had to have 14 points for the same treat and introduced another task (seems ridiculous but it was remember to use moisturizer morning and night...I am rubbish at being a girl). The treat can be anything. I avoided food-based treats, but do whatever makes you happy. I know it seems like a silly system, but it works pretty universally. Positive reinforcement and all that.

Conflict....yep, hear you there. It must be difficult being on someone else's territory. Maybe try and talk to your bf first, and suggest that the two of you start cooking and eating together in the evening. You can then broach the issue with your bfs family by saying that you want to be a little more independent/do more as a couple. That way you're not criticizing their food choices, but you're making it clear you want a little space for certain things. Also, the easiest way to avoid bad dinners is to reverse your meal size. I used to live with people who would eat my TDEE just at dinner. So I started making a point of having a large breakfast, middle-sized lunch and then at dinner I wouldn't want to eat much so it wouldn't be so hard to say 'actually I'm just going to have a light meal, I'm still full'. No one was offended and I felt a lot healthier for it also.

Your confidence will grow the more you challenge yourself. Just don't let stumbles on the way get to you too much. Everyone stumbles.

teachingtechnology

Read self help books. Try 'The Power of One', or a free one on the web, 'The Science of getting rich', its about richness of life in health, yourself and richness in friendship. Believe in yourself.

mimiwin

and what about seeing someone to help with those childhood issues and help you move forward ?

It helped me

Garlicmash

is it all bout what YOU think of you're body or what you think everyone else is thinking cause once you realise most ppl aren't even thinking about you're body ,they are thinking about their own life,bodies and own problems you find you relax much more.

the ppl who say they don't care are the ppl who's worked that out

and remember if you're walking down the street and think i wish i looked like her then there woman who wish they looked like you.

i'm 5.3 and 34 and My thighs jiggle,nothing i can do about that and i could exercise like crazy and i will still find something i don't like.
i hate my flappy arms so i don't look so closely anymore. age does help and that is because you learn you are you and you find you know who you are as well.
for me that happened around age 26-30.
think more about the future cause what you do now to you're body will help or hinder you're future.
be good to you're body and it's organs they will make you feel healthy and that a loan gives good feelings in you're self.

amy1612

Take your life BACK! You are more than your clothes size, the number on the scale, the amount of calories in a low fat yoghurt......Your body deserves to be nourished and be strong and healthy.
These are a couple of sites I love for PROPER inspiration, As Amber says, be MORE, not LESS!

http://gokaleo.com/2013/04/10/taking-up-space/
http://prettystrongblog.blogspot.co.uk/

myofibril

http://gokaleo.com/2013/04/10/taking-up-space/

This is an absolutely terrific website.

JesterMFP

Have you tried strength training? For the issue of "flabbiness", that's quite a simple solution. If you're part of a gym, ask someone about helping you use the free weights section, or even the weight machines. Look into the New Rules of Lifting For Women (a book), or programmes like Stronglifts 5x5, which is free. If you don't have access to weights, you can do a lot with body weight exercises. Just google "bodyweight exercises", or check out nerdfitness.com. They have a lot of useful stuff. You don't need to lose any weight, so try not to focus on the scale, but you could really change the shape of your body and firm up with resistance exercises. It might be hard to get started, but you absolutely don't need other people to exercise with you. I don't have anyone in my family or friends that like exercising either, so I just decided to get on with it myself. You might inspire your boyfriend or friends to start getting more active with you, or it might just be your "thing" that you do for yourself.

Now, the body image stuff and feeling happy in your own skin is a lot harder. It takes work, and it takes time. I don't mean this to sound patronising at all, but you're still 20. You're very young, you're brain is still developing, and you're still not very far removed from the circumstances of your childhood. I really believe that a lot of these issues do improve with time and maturity. Again, I'm not trying to patronise you, you sound like a mature woman with a good head on your sholders - I'm purely seaking from my own experience!

If you don't get the best start in life, it can be hard to develop good self-esteem and confidence by yourself. I don't know what's gone on in your childhood, but have you had any counselling or therapy to work through some of these issues? Especially considering your history of disordered eating, it could be really helpful for you. Additionally, there are tons of books out there on building confidence and self-esteem. Maybe have a browse on Amazon and read the reviews to find a good one. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can be effective in helping you to think about yourself in different ways. If your depression is really impacting on your life, then you may need medical treatment for it, which is nothing to be ashamed of. Whether you do or not, it is something you need to be proactive about. Doing nothing tends to just make depression worse. It can be so hard to make yourself get started, but the more you do, the easier it will be.

Feeling depressed is another great reason to get more active. Exercise is very helpful for depression. If you can find something that you really love, and that you can learn new skills in, or meet goals in, that would realy boost your confidence too. Sometimes it feels like all the issues are about how you look, but sometimes if you can build confidence in other areas, it affects how you see yourself overall.

With the eating healthy - do you cook at all? That could be a good place to start. Unfortunately, people's lives don't tend to get less busy and hectic as time goes on, so I'm not really buying that as an excuse! There are lots of simple recipes that don't take very much time at all, you just have to take the time to learn how to do them in the first place. Nutrition is another thing that's important for your mental health!

Even just the act of taking care of yourself more, making yourself get out and exercise, cooking good nutritious food for yourself, making time for yourself, all of that should start to have a knock-on effect with feeling better about yourself. Try to talk to yourself differently. Stop calling yourself names (like "flabby" and "gross") and tell yourself good things about yourself - appreciate how you are taking care of yourself, and how strong you are.

And please, if you haven't already, do consider seeking professional help too. :flowerforyou: