How do I deal with my ex-MIL?

mountaingirl2207

My ex-MIL and I have always had a contentious (at best) relationship. Now that her son and I have split up, it has become even more difficult. I live in the same area as her though, so I don't want to deny her the chance to see her grandchildren, even though my ex husband is 2000 miles away.

However, I have a major issue with her and I don't know what to do to handle it. I spend all of my time trying to create a healthy environment for my kids. They eat nutritious food, we spend our time doing active, family things and don't watch a ton of TV or spend our time playing on computers and such. I am trying to role model a healthy lifestyle in my eating and exercise habits as well and we spend a lot of time talking about healthy habits.

So my MIL came over this past weekend and brought 3 grocery bags FULL of junk. Chips, sugar water, cake, cookies, chocolate bars, ice cream.... pretty much everything under the sun that you can think of, she brought.... as well as 4 DVD's. Then she made snide comments the whole time she was here like "your mommy won't LET you eat this stuff, so it will be OUR secret."

I do buy treats and they do get to have them in moderation, but now my kids know all this crap is in the house and it's all they want to eat. They eat 3 bites of dinner and then ask for dessert. They want to sit and watch their movies instead of doing what we usually do, which is go out for a walk every night. My oldest is 13 and we have been fighting this battle his whole life, but it's never been this bad. I've tried telling her that I'd rather my kids eat healthier, but she seems to have a listening chip missing. My ex is of course, no help. What would you do?

joleenl

Tell her that it's not allowed in your house. Tell her when the kids go see her that's when she can feed them that stuff. That way she can still see them but only once in a while has control over what they eat. A treat day is better then having full out access to it daily in my opinion.

Lbf321

I would tell her it's disrespectful to break your rules, and then limit time with this intentionally unhealthy person. Not only is she teaching your child unhealthy eating habits, she's teaching them that you are bad (mean, unfair etc.) and that they should keep secrets from you. I, personally do not think it's your responsibility to keep a relationship with this lady, your ex husband can take care of her when he has the kids, if it's important to him.

Nessiechickie

I don't have kids but here is my two cents.

They are your kids, you choose how to raise them...
You don't want your kids surrounded by bad habits then say so. Maybe instead of you buying your kids treats.. prepare for you MIL to buy the treats and those will be the only treats in the house... ? Something like that.. hope it helps

I'm so thankful that my b/f 's mom and me are so close. :flowerforyou:

bergpa

Throw out the rest of the food that she brought over. As long as you keep it in the house, the kids will want it.

Beckboo0912

I legit HATE this slippery slope, because it's just that. Granted I haven't been in the same position as you but my son's nana will ask to see him after we get home for the day and then bring him crap right before dinner! So annoying, like she really doesn't know it's going to mess up his dinner. So I've made a rule that what she brings is for a treat and treats are for after dinner. If she wants to stay she can, not that I want her to but we are cordial and I don't feel it's mty right to say he can't see his grandmother especially since his father doesn't, so if she's stays they get to share it together if she doesn't I remind him it's from nana and it was because she was over that day. At first I was timid in pretty much setting rules for both and telling her when she was wrong and I was his mother and doing it with a bit of respect. It's hard, take it easy and talk to her, if she doesn't listen when you are being a nice mean then you need to get a little tougher. Hope it gets better!

learnerdriver

I send our kids to my MIL for a few days every school holidays. I know that they eat junk and less vegies, and as hard as it is, I accept it.
Your house, your rules. Just chuck it out.

As for what she said- I'd be tempted to say nothing, as given her attitude, she probably will give a bigger issue in the future ie alcohol.

ctpeace

Your ex may have visitation rights, she doesn't. Remind her that it's a PRIVILEDGE that YOU are allowing her when she sees your kids, and that you expect a minimum of respect. I agree that the food thing was bad, but talking about you that way to your own kids is unacceptable. Also give away any remaining junk food groceries she brought, get your kids to help you with this so they don't feel caught in the middle or punished. Explain to them that grandma's treats may taste good, but too much won't feel very good, plus sharing is a great thing to teach. Tell her she needs to respect you and the way you're raising them. If she refuses, calmly explain that the consequence will be seeing them a lot less often. My hubby and I have had to put our foot down with both grandmas, and we're really glad we did it early, before it turned into a big issue.

mountaingirl2207

Thanks for your help, everyone. I agree with everything you've said, I just don't really understand why we have been going round and round about this issue for so long. You would think that she would want her grandchildren to be healthy. She really does not have ANY respect for me or for how I raise the kids. She's one of the ones that think that I work out too much and worry about being "skinny" too much.

The problem with throwing everything out/limiting her visiting is that it makes me feel terrible because my kids get so upset. They have learned to equate grandma to sugar and treats, and because of this she's put me in the position to be the big meany. *sigh*

For those of you who have good relationships with your MIL's you are so very fortunate.

Lbf321

Could you slowly limit the time you guys see her? Like say she comes over every weekend, do one weekend less a month until her visit's are only one weekend a month? That would be less drastic for the kids.

MelsAuntie

Throw out the snacks as soon as she brings them into the house. Into the dumpster. And make it stick.

mountaingirl2207

Been there, done that. THis was the first visit on the new "revised" schedule. She must have been hoarding the goodies for all the weeks she didn't get to see them. I would die a slow death if I had to see her every weekend.

Could you slowly limit the time you guys see her? Like say she comes over every weekend, do one weekend less a month until her visit's are only one weekend a month? That would be less drastic for the kids.

ctpeace

As far as your kids complaining, remember that you're the mom, not the friend. I don't know how old they are (sorry if you said, I forgot) and how much they'd understand an explanation, but kids and XMIL need to understand that YOU are the authority, and whether they like it or not, what you say goes. I often thought my parents were being unfair growing up, but they sure saved me a lot of heartache and trouble by setting boundaries. The right thing to do is not always popular, and the popular thing is not always right. Stand up for yourself and your family, I know it can be really tough, but your kids need to see you assert yourself and require others to respect you. Even if they don't love your decision, they'll learn to stand their ground too. Sometimes as moms we have to be the mean ones, this will stop "going round and round" when you put an end to it. I'm not saying it's easy, but be supermom, your house is not a democracy, you are Queen for life, end of story. Do not let ANYONE mess with the prince/princesses of the castle! This requires extra monitoring (as if you weren't tired already, I know), but you are absolutely within your rights to intercept the treats, allow your kids to pick 1 or 2 servings, and get rid of the rest. If XMIL doesn't cooperate, again, she's not being a good influence and can see her way out.

Edit: BTW, I'm not suggesting you don't know this already, I'm just offering support and a little pep talk! Pls take it that way

HollisGrant

My ex-MIL and I have always had a contentious (at best) relationship. Now that her son and I have split up, it has become even more difficult. I live in the same area as her though, so I don't want to deny her the chance to see her grandchildren, even though my ex husband is 2000 miles away.

However, I have a major issue with her and I don't know what to do to handle it. I spend all of my time trying to create a healthy environment for my kids. They eat nutritious food, we spend our time doing active, family things and don't watch a ton of TV or spend our time playing on computers and such. I am trying to role model a healthy lifestyle in my eating and exercise habits as well and we spend a lot of time talking about healthy habits.

So my MIL came over this past weekend and brought 3 grocery bags FULL of junk. Chips, sugar water, cake, cookies, chocolate bars, ice cream.... pretty much everything under the sun that you can think of, she brought.... as well as 4 DVD's. Then she made snide comments the whole time she was here like "your mommy won't LET you eat this stuff, so it will be OUR secret."

I do buy treats and they do get to have them in moderation, but now my kids know all this crap is in the house and it's all they want to eat. They eat 3 bites of dinner and then ask for dessert. They want to sit and watch their movies instead of doing what we usually do, which is go out for a walk every night. My oldest is 13 and we have been fighting this battle his whole life, but it's never been this bad. I've tried telling her that I'd rather my kids eat healthier, but she seems to have a listening chip missing. My ex is of course, no help. What would you do?

Sounds like she might be doing it to sabotage you, since she knows you don't want her to bring those things. Did you ever sit down with her on a one-on-one about it, with no interruptions (maybe take her to lunch), and in a friendly, firm manner tell her to stop it? That's probably what I would do.

mountaingirl2207

As far as your kids complaining, remember that you're the mom, not the friend. I don't know how old they are (sorry if you said, I forgot) and how much they'd understand an explanation, but kids and XMIL need to understand that YOU are the authority, and whether they like it or not, what you say goes. I often thought my parents were being unfair growing up, but they sure saved me a lot of heartache and trouble by setting boundaries. The right thing to do is not always popular, and the popular thing is not always right. Stand up for yourself and your family, I know it can be really tough, but your kids need to see you assert yourself and require others to respect you. Even if they don't love your decision, they'll learn to stand their ground too. Sometimes as moms we have to be the mean ones, this will stop "going round and round" when you put an end to it. I'm not saying it's easy, but be supermom, your house is not a democracy, you are Queen for life, end of story. Do not let ANYONE mess with the prince/princesses of the castle! This requires extra monitoring (as if you weren't tired already, I know), but you are absolutely within your rights to intercept the treats, allow your kids to pick 1 or 2 servings, and get rid of the rest. If XMIL doesn't cooperate, again, she's not being a good influence and can see her way out.

Edit: BTW, I'm not suggesting you don't know this already, I'm just offering support and a little pep talk! Pls take it that way

LOL, this totally fired me up. Great pep talk.

mountaingirl2207

My ex-MIL and I have always had a contentious (at best) relationship. Now that her son and I have split up, it has become even more difficult. I live in the same area as her though, so I don't want to deny her the chance to see her grandchildren, even though my ex husband is 2000 miles away.

However, I have a major issue with her and I don't know what to do to handle it. I spend all of my time trying to create a healthy environment for my kids. They eat nutritious food, we spend our time doing active, family things and don't watch a ton of TV or spend our time playing on computers and such. I am trying to role model a healthy lifestyle in my eating and exercise habits as well and we spend a lot of time talking about healthy habits.

So my MIL came over this past weekend and brought 3 grocery bags FULL of junk. Chips, sugar water, cake, cookies, chocolate bars, ice cream.... pretty much everything under the sun that you can think of, she brought.... as well as 4 DVD's. Then she made snide comments the whole time she was here like "your mommy won't LET you eat this stuff, so it will be OUR secret."

I do buy treats and they do get to have them in moderation, but now my kids know all this crap is in the house and it's all they want to eat. They eat 3 bites of dinner and then ask for dessert. They want to sit and watch their movies instead of doing what we usually do, which is go out for a walk every night. My oldest is 13 and we have been fighting this battle his whole life, but it's never been this bad. I've tried telling her that I'd rather my kids eat healthier, but she seems to have a listening chip missing. My ex is of course, no help. What would you do?

Sounds like she might be doing it to sabotage you, since she knows you don't want her to bring those things. Did you ever sit down with her on a one-on-one about it, with no interruptions (maybe take her to lunch), and in a friendly, firm manner tell her to stop it? That's probably what I would do.

Oh yeah, she's doing it to undermine me, because she knows it drives me insane. I've tried telling her, tried having ex tell her, but it's never done anything. Now granted, I think that my ex just talked to her to apease me, I don't know if it ever was really a taking my side kind of talk. I think she might also be trying to undermine my own healthy eating too - she's always done that. But, I don't have a problem with eating junk... especially HER junk.

Timshel_

What would you do?

Well, g-ma's are supposed to spoil kids so I wouldn't want to completely take that from her, but you can moderate it a bit. Maybe talk with her and let her know the struggles you are having and how she can help by limiting the snacks and such, as well as how she can support you in keeping the kids listening and doing what they are told. If she can't understand that, you might have to get firm about it, or just let her know you might have to limit her visiting.

best of luck.

bergpa

As far as your kids complaining, remember that you're the mom, not the friend. I don't know how old they are (sorry if you said, I forgot) and how much they'd understand an explanation, but kids and XMIL need to understand that YOU are the authority, and whether they like it or not, what you say goes. I often thought my parents were being unfair growing up, but they sure saved me a lot of heartache and trouble by setting boundaries. The right thing to do is not always popular, and the popular thing is not always right. Stand up for yourself and your family, I know it can be really tough, but your kids need to see you assert yourself and require others to respect you. Even if they don't love your decision, they'll learn to stand their ground too. Sometimes as moms we have to be the mean ones, this will stop "going round and round" when you put an end to it. I'm not saying it's easy, but be supermom, your house is not a democracy, you are Queen for life, end of story. Do not let ANYONE mess with the prince/princesses of the castle! This requires extra monitoring (as if you weren't tired already, I know), but you are absolutely within your rights to intercept the treats, allow your kids to pick 1 or 2 servings, and get rid of the rest. If XMIL doesn't cooperate, again, she's not being a good influence and can see her way out.

Edit: BTW, I'm not suggesting you don't know this already, I'm just offering support and a little pep talk! Pls take it that way

This reminded me of Halloween 2011 when my daughter collected 15 lbs (yes!) of candy and treats. We had her pick out her favorites and gave the rest away. She wasn't thrilled at the time but she got over it. This past Halloween she didn't run from house to house trying to get as much as possible.

Francl27

I'd be mad. But I'd tell your kids they can only have one treat a day, and let them pick what they want every day. And do movies but once a week or something. Sorry you're in this situation though, it sucks!

endoftheside

I would contact her privately (not in the presence of the children) and let her know *exactly* what you expect in terms of junk food coming into your house, and block it at the door if you can if she "forgets". Also, let your children know before grandma's visit that grandma sometimes forgets about healthy food and xyz is how your family does junk food, and that even if grandma "forgets" that is still the rule and that you will donate the rest of the food for people who might not have enough treats. Make sure grandma knows what will happen. Try to get them on your side to help grandma make healthier choices. If she makes a snarky comment about you not letting them have enough junk and keeping secrets, shut it down with a statement about how you want your family to be healthy, and that you don't keep secrets in your family.

If otherwise acceptable, the videos should be incorporated into whatever the family rule on screentime is, and whining gets screentime for the day (or until the weekend) revoked. If not, they have to go and perhaps you could replace them with something more suitable.

She is taking advantage of your niceness and will continue to do this until you learn to stand up for your family's values. In short, you have to make her access to the children dependent on her following the rules.

P.S. I know this is very difficult. I have been dealing with such a person ever since she tried to sneak my cow milk allergic baby ice cream when I stepped out of the room. To this day, I cannot leave her alone with my child because she persists in such behaviors and in general has a completely messed up relationship with food. Unfortunately we visit on her turf so landmines everywhere.

zanne54

Honestly? I would inform MIL that you are the Mom, and it's your rules or she doesn't get to see your kids. And that if she continues to try to undermine you and/or pressure your children to keep secrets from you about forbidden things, then she will lose her visiting privileges. Tell her you are willing to compromise with a certain indulgence so she can have the joy of being the fun grandma who brings treats (and here, you bend a little bit and allow her more than you would normally allow your kids, but nowhere near the volume of what she is bringing), but she will also have to compromise to bring less crap, refrain from bad-mouthing you to the kids/undermining your authority and respect YOUR rules. And if she doesn't comply, then she's welcome to see the grandkids during her son's visitation time. Hopefully she will value the relationships with her grandkids more than she values sticking it to you.

ldrosophila

This may seem odd and go against the grain...but honestly let it go.

Grandma is going to spoil thats her job. Grandma is not always going to be there either (especially if she eats that way normally). Some of my special memories are the treats Grandma gave me.

You thank her and when she leaves it goes in the trash. Tell the kids you found mold on it or something if they ask. It's just food, and when they think of Grandma they get to think of how she loved to spoil them. It may not be the best thing, but she's still doing it for the Grandbabies she loves.

Your daughter is 13, so of course she's going to test the boundaries. You continue to be a role model for her because now is the time she will rebel, but she will come back to her healthy roots.

Don't worry. Let it go. I'm proud that you dont keep her from your children's life. That relationship is so special when she is gone all they will have is the memories and maybe even a few shared special moments.

I'm going to add one more thing because I think it's important when my brother was diagnosed with cancer I didnt think about how he had stolen and lied to me. I thought about the special moments we had together and how much I loved him. God forbid something happen to her, but the thoughts wont be "oh she tried to bring in sugar into the house," but it will be Grandma loved me so much and always wanted to spend time with me and make me happy. Life is too short to stress over this.