I really need some opinions...

GRose

A very long story as short as possible - because you need some background information to provide input.

So.. My step-mother & I have never gotten along. When I say "never", I really mean never. The first time I met her, I told her that if she ever married my father, I would kill myself. I was in 5th grade. She was "babysitting".

I have not spoken with my father (with the exception of a 3 minute conversation with which I congratulated him on his wife's new pregnancy with his 2nd son - last fall) since 2 days before my wedding (we spoke on 01/05/07) where he RSVP'd "No" and before then, I hadn't spoken to him for about 3 years - I had sent a couple of letters but nothing from him.

I know that I am partially responsible for the lack of relationship I have my father. In my defense, however, my psychologist (when I had one), husband, mother, brother, co-workers & friends have all verified that she has driven a wedge between my father & me. I just don't want you to think that I'm avoiding any of the blame. I've spent years of my life feeling the guilt over this entire situation.

So my tiny brother was born in January. He has down syndrome and I have never met him. It makes me sad - especially with the two other sisters that I have that I'm not allowed to have contact with because they're "hers". They will not be my "pawns" in the "game" that I play..

I don't really know why I'm sharing that part... I dont' know what it has to do with the part where I need an opinion on but I guess it's because I finally got a glimpse of him (I saw the top of his head and his right eye - he was smiling at his mother... *awww*) tonight.

Recently, my brother told me, crying (my 20 year old brother), that he feels like it's his fault that my father & I don't have a relationship now. He stated that since my father told him that, "If I can't have a good relationship with my son, who lives right here in my house, whom I see and can talk to on a regular basis, how can I have a relationship with a daughter I haven't spoken to for years?" My heart cries out for my brother.

So I made a decision. I don't know if anyone has ever seen Gilmore Girls but there's an episode where Lane's mother extends an offer to come visit. 3 dates, then if those don't work there will be 3 more offered. If none of those are sufficient, then Mrs. Kim will recind the offer.

Anyway... I decided that I would do something similar. So at the beginning of this month, I wrote another letter for my father. I wrote to him, very simply stating that I think we should get together and talk. I gave him an entire list of dates for the month of May and invited him over for lunch - so we could be alone. I had my mother drop it off since he's previously mentioned that some of the cards & letters that I've sent were never received by him (I have my theories - and yes, they arrived at his home). She was a little delayed (always busy & I don't have the car since my husband uses it all day) and didn't get it to him until last Thursday. He hasn't responded yet...

Basically, due to the track record between us, I've put a limit... I figured that if he doesn't respond in any way by Friday - that will give him an entire week - that I will just give up for good. Tonight, when I saw him (& his wife & my baby brother), he made eye contact with me, smiled, I think he nodded a little and he definately waved - with his pinky & ring finger but a wave.

I have not had this kind of response in many, many years. Every other time I've seen him (other than when I cornered him to congratulate him) he has frowned, turned around and walked away. No smiles. No eye contact. No waving.

So, sorry about the length but I'd like to know what you think. Would you consider our exchange (I smiled, nodded & waved a little - very quickly and then walked away) a response? Should I give up if there is nothing else before Friday?

Please give me your input. I've been stressing for a couple of weeks now (probably why I keep over-eating)... Thanks everyone.

Heather75

It sounds like having a relationship with your dad is very important to you. I think you should do everything in your power to make it happen. At least that way, if it doesn't, you will be able to live with it because you will know that you tried as hard as you can.

Shannon023

Every other time I've seen him (other than when I cornered him to congratulate him) he has frowned, turned around and walked away. No smiles. No eye contact. No waving.

Sweetheart, unless you desecrated his parent's grave with graffiti or sold his complete Beatles lp collection for a ounce of crack, then I'd say you lost in the parent lottery. Sometimes, no matter how painful, you have to week your garden.

That said, make sure you choose a King to marry and who will honor and respect your daughter the way she should be. :flowerforyou:

bethinagain

It sounds like a very sticky situation. I'm going to suggest that you try posting this question on another website's forum. I don't feel that MFP is going to give you the best advise on something that doesn't have anything to do with health, weight or fitness.
Good luck! :flowerforyou:

spob

What a lovely person you are. Do not give up. You will have relationship with your father. I know it. I marvel at your candor and strength of character. Baby steps.

Lisa03

Wow! I'm sorry! I do think you should try again, that little bit of a wavy and smile seem like a step in the right direction. Maybe it is hard for him to make these steps and it's gonna take time. Some men are like that. He could be scared, maybe even of his wife and her feelings if he persues a relationship with you as his daughter. Good luck, and feel free to ask what you want from your friends on mfp, being stressed about things have everything to do with health and eating ! Keep me updated if you don't mind! I would like to know what happens! AGAIN GOOD LUCK!

mommared53

I think you should give it another try. And maybe even another and another. After your father is gone (as in dead) it will be too late to try to have a relationship with him. At least you will know you gave it your best and then some and won't have to wonder if you could have or should have done more. Good luck to you. I hope everything works out. :flowerforyou:

selbyhutch

It does seem like a step in the right direction. I would continue to persue the relationship.

On a side note... I have not had contact w/ a brother & sister in about 10 years. When our father died, they didn't understand that the estate went to our mother... they thought half should go to mom and the other half split between the kids. The estate was substantial. They say that a lot of families fight over money when there is a death... I was shocked that it happened to my family. I was very close with these siblings before my father's death. They also have not had any contact with our mother in 10 years. As far as I'm concerned, they died with our father. It's very sad. I just keep thinking how furious our dad would be.

HealthyChanges2010

I think you should give it another try. And maybe even another and another. After your father is gone (as in dead) it will be too late to try to have a relationship with him. At least you will know you gave it your best and then some and won't have to wonder if you could have or should have done more. Good luck to you. I hope everything works out. :flowerforyou:

I so agree with this!! Once our parents are gone, they are gone. No more talking to them face to face, on the phone, no more asking about family history or hugs and kisses.

I think it's very important that you not give up until you speak to him, I think the wave and smile was very significant to both of you. Of course these are only my thoughts but my parents are gone now. I so wish I could talk to my Dad many many times, I still pick up the phone to call and ask how his day went but he's been gone since 2002, I do it out of habit I guess, and then put down the phone realizing he's gone.

Don't let go until you know you've done all you could. The pain you feel now is nothing compared to what it will be when he's gone and there will be no more chances, no chance for him to meet your children (if/when you have them), His grand children.

You're very brave and sound very mature, this is not an easy situation. It saddens me that your StepMother could not rise above what a 5th grader said in pain and anger.

All the best in the situation,
Becca:flowerforyou:

HealthyChanges2010

It does seem like a step in the right direction. I would continue to persue the relationship.

On a side note... I have not had contact w/ a brother & sister in about 10 years. When our father died, they didn't understand that the estate went to our mother... they thought half should go to mom and the other half split between the kids. The estate was substantial. They say that a lot of families fight over money when there is a death... I was shocked that it happened to my family. I was very close with these siblings before my father's death. They also have not had any contact with our mother in 10 years. As far as I'm concerned, they died with our father. It's very sad. I just keep thinking how furious our dad would be.

Selby, I was shocked that a similar situation happened when my Father passed away (my Mother passed away when I was 24), never in MILLION years would I have thought there would be rift in my family after his death.

We're learning a new way to be a family, it's not been easy, we've had to get to know one another once again, try and forget things from the past and start anew. I have 3 Sisters left, I am getting closer to 1 like I used to be. My oldest, well, she's got alot going in her world, and we do ok, most times. My youngest is not living in town so it makes it tough but we talk and I love her and all my Sisters and they know it. We do have that!

Laceylala

This is going to maybe sound dumb...but in these instances I believe in gut instinct and following your heart.

If your heart and your gut are telling you that there is a chance to rekindle the relationship with your dad, then keep trying.

If one day you come to a point where your gut and your heart are no longer telling you to keep trying, then cut it off. At least then you will have no regrets and will be at peace with your decisions. If you make a choice for no further contact based on the fact that he's never come through before and not based on what your gut and heart are telling you then you will never be at peace with the situation.

Best of luck to you and your family.

dewdrop

I am also in favor of giving it another try. Just do all you can to get over the guilt you're feeling. Sometimes these feelings of guilt just stay in our way. Maybe that's part of how he felt, too, so avoid blaming him - sometimes men have a hard time expressing their feelings. I'd think that him accepting your invitation would already mean he accepts his guilt as well - so give him some time, he might need to get over his pride for this. Also, don't make him choose: you or her. You have your own life now, you just need him to be part of it. Accept him as a married man in it.
You lost some years, both of you. You can't get those back. But you can work on improving your relationship in the next.
My two penny... :flowerforyou:

dewdrop

I've been stressing for a couple of weeks now (probably why I keep over-eating)...

Try a work out to defeat your stress and anger. Not only will this improve your state of mind, but you'll also earn some extra calories that you can then spend on food without guilty feelings.

Good luck, you can do this!!!

LuckyLeprechaun

no reason to put an arbitrary deadline. The wave seems like progress, so go from there. Keep trying as long as you feel like you should and it's good emotionally for you. But to just draw an arbitrary line on the calendar isn't the way to go. What if he came around three days after that? Just let it happen and keep the faith...