Why good friends are so important

taunto

In my younger days, I fell in love. I fell in love with someone who left me shortly after and in my desperate attempt, I did something drastic. Something stupid. Something irrational.

I got a Gorilla.

A pet Gorilla. I named him Barnacles. B and I got close. We were best buddies. Everywhere we went, people talked about us.

They feared us at first but then they saw what we both did. They saw the love for each other in our eyes. There was some hate. Some folks thought it was unnatural. But I didn’t cared. B didn’t cared. We were 2 bros, broing it out.

Eventually, people realized that its time for society to accept us. We both become closer than ever. He’s helping me with the ladies. I am helping him get mad freaky chimpanzee girls he so likes. We both become super popular. I became popular for the first time in my life. Anywhere I go people point at me and say “oh cool, that’s the guy with the gorilla”. “Hey man, wheres B today?”. “Bro you bananas man. Here, have some bananas for your Gorilla!”.

Everything is going by the plan so far. He’s well trained by now. I send him to the love of my life’s new boyfriend with a sticky note saying who he’s friends with. The guy freaks out. I send him next to the girls parents house introducing himself. They’re old folks and they get scared easily.

I immediately change my phone number and address and move away. Now the girl is looking all over the town for me. To her I seem like a psycho monkey man who’s trained a Gorilla to intimidate her parents and seduce her boyfriend. But to the entire world she seems like yet another obsessed girl who’s dreams are to be with the monkey man.

Eventually she sees B walking down the road to get us some Scotch and starts talking to him. B explains to her how I am a nice guy who could have any girl he wants yet I am still in love with her. She actually understands his point of view and comes running back to me.

Aren't good friends the best?!?!

weevil66

That's awesome. My best friend just takes me to the casinos.

ps be careful of your bestie. I hear that those primate types like to eat faces and man-junk (and not in a fun way)

MNA76

Yes. They will go buy you Scotch. Hopefully, some Laguvelin 16 or Oban 14.

mockchoc

I don't get why you ate your friend.

JustAboutDelicious_wechanged

I used to really, really want to have a trouser snake for a BFF, but snakes make me sceeeeered.

ThorneDust

:flowerforyou:

UncleMac

What kind of scotch? Something decent??

elenathegreat

But...what happened to Mr. Barnacles B after you and the hot chick hooked up?

Cait_Sidhe

But...what happened to Mr. Barnacles B after you and the hot chick hooked up?

This! We, the public, must know!

Crankstr

pics

dirtnap63

This thread is divisive against:

People without friends

People without Primates

Primates not named Barnacles

People without scotch

Reported.

downsizinghoss

So when he is bad and doesn't get you the girl, I guess you spank the monkey?

just4nessa

You have a talking gorilla? OMG I know what I want for my next birthday... :bigsmile:

timpicks

Now you have to choose between the love of your life and the gorilla your dreams.

violettatx

I just want to know how you can afford enough bananas to pay him for getting chicks for you. It must cost you thousands per month!

Cr01502

But...what happened to Mr. Barnacles B after you and the hot chick hooked up?

Yes. What's it going to be Taunto?

This
]

Or this?

michellemybelll

Ted

mockchoc

But...what happened to Mr. Barnacles B after you and the hot chick hooked up?

Yes. What's it going to be Taunto?

This
]

Or this?

wow I'm impressed. You're almost as good at gifs as Taunto. Me I don't even know how to put a gif up or a pic yet. sad but true.

FloyMcCaudie

GOOD FRIENDS FTW! Now lets do elephant walk son!

WinnerVictorious

i call shenanigans.

this sounds like fan fiction to me.

there are no liquor stores in Saudi Arabia, so there is nowhere your gorilla friend could go to buy Scotch.

shenanigans!

taunto

But...what happened to Mr. Barnacles B after you and the hot chick hooked up?

We're still the best of bros. Him and I chill out often. He moved out finally though and went back to the jungles of Washington DC. He's a Senator now! He still get crazy monkey sex though but he doesn't send me anymore pictures. Something about election scandals or something

taunto

Yes. They will go buy you Scotch. Hopefully, some Laguvelin 16 or Oban 14.

Only MacAllan sista! Mr. B and I gots standards ya know!

mmddwechanged

I love stories with happy endings<3

saxmaniac

I Like Monkeys

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.

Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.

I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed,
The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

(Author unknown, it's not me)

SoDamnHungry

A gorilla getting it on with chimps? Ugh. B got some problems.

taunto

A gorilla getting it on with chimps? Ugh. B got some problems.

Don't be jealous of their love!

SpeSHul_SnoflEHk

Hi Taunto. Hi B!

taunto

hi SpeSHul_Snofl