Joke of the Day!!!!! :) :) :)

weaklink109

Hello Everyone!

I was just watching the Bonnie Hunt Show today, and she has a feature where her mom, Alice, appears on the show through an internet camera feed. You never know what Alice is going to come up with next--a bizarre household hint or a joke, or ???. This was one of her jokes today:

"A woman was discussing with her husband what she wanted as a gift for her birthday. She said, 'I'll give you a hint. I want something shiny and silver that will go 0 to 150 in about 6 seconds!!'

So can you guess what he gave her?............(drum roll)............ A SCALE!!!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

SassyMissDasha

Lol!! That's soooo funny!! :laugh:

hamiltonba

It's funny as long as your not the receiver - I don't EVER want a scale for my b-day. Can you imagine????

weaklink109

Later in the show a comic named George Wallace was a guest, and he was talking about having gained weight from visiting Savannah and eating comfort food at Paula Deen's restaurant. He was explaining how he avoided the healthy "California soy" type of food, and said he was thinking about opening a restaurant called "All this Crap is Bad for You!!":laugh: :laugh:

He had some hilarious stories, including how he discovered that when you are wearing a Snuggie, using the restroom can be "challenging." Also, since he bought lots of things from tv infomercials, he went to a funeral for the pitchman who recently passed, and he said the service took a long time because every time they tried to wrap it up, someone would stand up and shout "But Wait!!
:laugh: :laugh:

You can see his entire segment by going to:

http://www.bonniehunt.com/videos/

There will be a link to the right showing his name. If you go to view the page after today, you can search for the video by name on the site. The feel good moment of the day with the Rottweiler puppy is very cute also.

Have a good day. Remember, you can't EAT when you are laughing!!!!

STEWARTN1

LOL

joeys_gurl82

that's too funny Ur picture looks like my doggie btw

weaklink109

Here is a joke I just received today:

"A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

Wait for it.....wait for it..
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
You're just gonna love this..
v
v
v
v
v
v


"BP":noway: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

(I got this in an email, but the image won't copy into my post, but I will let you guess what the picture showed the bee doing-LOL)

BTW, Manda, I hope your doggie isn't as big a brat as my Lhasa is. Her philosophy of life is simple: "It's my way or the highway." A neighbor of mine refers to her as my "boss." :laugh:

weaklink109

In keeping with the philosophy "ya can't eat if your laughing" another day, another joke:

You Can’t Beat A Dead Horse (For Fun And Profit)

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.":noway:

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can,:noway: Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.":smokin: :drinker: :drinker:

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He's the one who figured out how this "bail-out" is going to work.:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

RoadDog

"Elk Sex"

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"

weaklink109

I guess great minds think alike! THAT is hilarious!!!

RoadDog

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
(My Favorite)
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
(Another favorite)
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________


And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

mommared53

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
(My Favorite)
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
(Another favorite)
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral..
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________


And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

I've read those before and they are still so funny! :laugh: :laugh:

RoadDog

"The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I’ve done my job. "

Roseanne Barr

RoadDog

" Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
Softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
Or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

RoadDog

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.


He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Mark. It's winter in Utah and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!"

weaklink109

Hi RoadDog.
Just catching up on my reading....your last two jokes made me giggle. Hope you had a great Christmas and are on track to have a Happy 2011!!

RoadDog

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota , a fire started inside
the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive
flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas
are in the vault in the center of the plant They must be saved. I will give
$50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became
desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer
was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came
into sight. It was the nearby Swedish rural township volunteer fire company
composed mainly of Swedes over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement,
that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that
were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the
inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Swedish old timers jumped
off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a
performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Swedish old timers had extinguished the fire and
had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced
that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000,
and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film,
asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve
gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!!"

mommared53

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

weaklink109

Well, RoadDog, you've done it again!! Hilarious.


Here is one for everyone, not quite as knee-slapping funny as the previous story, but I think we can all relate to it. Thanks to "exermom," on another thread that I participate in, for this little gem:

A short prayer:
Dear God:

For 2011, all I ask for is a big fat bank account and a slim body.

Please do not mix up the two like you did last year.

Amen

Happy Super Bowl, everyone

RoadDog

Lewinsky and Kaczynski

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called
the 'Style Invitational'.

The requirements were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Clinton White House Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.

Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually printed
verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:


Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.


Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.



And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

RoadDog

The Italian Nursing Home
A Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather (Abuelo) in a nursing home. All the Hispanic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.
'It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful, says grandpa.
'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.'
Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents. Abuelo says with a big smile. 'There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!'
There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!'
'There's a dentist here -- 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor!'
And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F__king Mexican'