My reflection now vs. a year ago: a failure

Rachiewoowoo

Just about a year ago, I started extreme dieting to get in shape for my high school prom. I was in denial at the time. I felt great; I looked great; no one could get me down from the high of being thin.

Then summer hit. With summer came copious amounts of food and drink, face-stuffing at family dinners almost every day--it was not healthy. But the people around me simply gave me the means to satisfy my own desires. It was my own urge to overeat, to indulge myself after two months of, essentially, starvation that started a horrible cycle of binge-eating, purging, laxatives, dieting, and overall emotional distress.

I'm in my freshman year of college now. I thought it was going to be a new start for me after that horrible summer, but the freedom was too much for me. The painful cycle continued and I slowly sunk into depression. I look at myself in the mirror... and I see a failure. People tell me that every day is a fresh start, but they don't know how many times I've thought that to myself, how many times I've tried again every day. I try and I fail, over and over. At a certain point... it's not worth it anymore--to try. I gave up.

Sometimes I justify to myself that I don't need to be thinner, that being thin is just a product of our culture's conception of beauty and that I don't need to conform (extremely hipster of me, I know). But I don't know whether those are moments of some kind of social enlightenment...or just excuses that validate my own lack of motivation and determination now. I don't know what to think anymore, and my daily eating patterns reflect that confusion. Healthy, portioned choices by day--greasy, fatty take-out by night.

I just spent the last hour and a half looking back through all my Facebook pictures...and it makes me horribly depressed when I see what I have become in one year's time.

I stepped on the scale today. I am officially 40lbs heavier today than I was one year ago. Is this a sign? Is this anniversary of my "beautiful me" the right time to start over? I need help. I need counsel. I don't know what to do. All I know is, I look in that mirror, and I want to melt my thighs off, to rip off the fat on my stomach and under my arms. I am disgusted at the person I see.

My stats: 180lbs; 5'9", female

I am lost; someone find me.

learnerdriver

Rachie- I know where you are at. I think you need to look at your post, as a step forwards- you've admitted where you at, and now is the time to forgive yourself, rather than continue to let your worst critic loose. Perhaps you should restart with something small, rather than let the big picture overwhelm you.

TimeWarp9

I am at a different place in my life right now than you are, but have been there and know what you are going through. There are many challenges to be faced the first year of college and for a lot of us, the struggle with gaining weight was just one more piled on top of the others.

It sounds like you have reached the spot where you realize something needs to be done and in a way, that can be a real motivator! For me, mine came much later after years and years of not being happy in my own body. Use your reflections to make a fresh start!

What really helped me when I had my "ultimate moment of realization" was getting on a plan with other people in the same position. For me, it was Weight Watchers. I know a lot of people on MFP don't have a lot of good to say about WW, but 11 years ago I weighed 210 lbs at my heaviest. I had my 'moment' and really committed to becoming healthier. When I joined, they were doing the Winning Points and then changed to Flex Points. Their current plan is called Points Plus, but I have never worked with the way they calculate points that way so cannot comment on the effectiveness. Nine months and 70lbs later, I had reached my goal weight. With a few 'relatively minor' backslides, I have maintained that weight for 10 yrs. WW teaches how to eat in healthy way and to keep control. They teach you how to get back on track if you find yourself sliding. Anyhow, it is not for everyone and I truly did not think it was for me. I am not a 'joiner' and the thought of sitting in a room with a bunch of strangers talking about all this issues just felt wrong somehow. I found out I was wrong. It was really helpful to find out that a lot of other people were going through the same thing I was.

Anyhow, just know that you're not alone; look into possibly find a group of people on campus that have discovered the same thing you have; learn about nutrition and what your body needs; and find a physical activity you enjoy.

Good luck to you and let us know how you're doing!

top_mom

Try not to look at it as "failure" rather part of the journey... start today, eating healthy, getting some exercise. And most of all, don't be too hard on yourself!

singha99

You are not alone Rachie. I know the sense of failure after losing almost 100 lbs in a year and gaining back 70 over the last two years. I was so ashamed I would not go back to my gym because I did not want other people seeing how I had failed. But you know what, if we have the strength to share one of our most personal failures in life we have the strength to be successful at losing the weight and making better healthier choices. We are not gonna be perfect and we will probably have setbacks along our journey. I have discovered that MFP members are very helpful, non-judgmental, and are more than willing to give the occasional caring and supportive nudge if you slip-up.

PLEASE DONT GIVE UP!!! Hold your head up high and love the person you are NOW and embrace the person you wish to become. If we start TODAY perhaps a year from now WE can inspire someone out there with the success of our weight loss journey.

bunnymum150

Try not to look at it as "failure" rather part of the journey... start today, eating healthy, getting some exercise. And most of all, don't be too hard on yourself!

You are so right

Think of your past as a research experiment. Now you know what happens with that approach.
I am so glad that you are making this a priority at this time in your life - so you will have a life time of excellent health!
From this point forward you MUST focus on any thing positive - to start - the fact that you even care at all and that you are contemplating changes.
If you focus on healthy eating and activity, the rest will follow.
Take care and any time a negative thought pops into your head replace them with a positive thought or statement

CherylP67

You are not a failure. A year ago you were thin, but you weren't healthy, starving, binging, purging, laxative abuse are not success.

The way I see it, you're ahead of the game. You are young and you have put a lot of thought into your situation.

This is the starting point for the rest of your life, you can do it! Commit to be healthy for life and you will get to your weight goal and be healthy, which is success!

redredfox

And the beauty of today and tomorrow is that they do not have to be like yesterday You have the choice to make tomorrow better for YOU. Don't do it because society says you need to be thin... do it for YOUR health and happiness. Turn the page and set yourself up for success both mentally and physically. You can do anything you set your mind to do.

Saratini76

From my point of view, you have to stop thinking of society all together and focus completely on you. How do you feel in your body? I know my personal experience was that I was always disheartened a bit, but generally happy with myself until I hit my highest weight of 299. THAT was my turning point. My body hurt, I was fatigued and depressed, and didn't have the OOMPH to do hardly anything. My saving grace was finally listening to myself and seeking help from my doctor. I don't see my highest weight as failure, but truly as a realization that my weight was affecting my entire life not just how I appear in the mirror.

My doctor did help by giving me meds, antidepressants and adipex, and giving me lots of encouragement and a calorie goal to follow.

Just remember that you are doing this for YOU, not society, not anyone else in the world!

:flowerforyou:

A wonderful Bonnie Pfiester quote that I keep on my fridge and in my purse is this. "I will beat her. I will train harder. I will eat cleaner. I know her weaknesses. I know her strengths. I've lost to her before, but not this time. She is going down. I have the advantage because I know her well. She is the OLD me!"

mazdauk

Not a failure. Last year you were too thin, this year you're carrying some excess baggage in all senses of the word! Don't be tempted to swing to extremes, just take it steady and follow the healthy eating advice, take some exercise (find fun exercise, don't do something boring because you think its good for you!). You're still young, you just need to find your balance and your confidence.