Funny Diet Jokes

tiggerhammon

These are all the ones I know.
I would love to read any others. I love funnies.

** A husband was standing on the bathroom scale, sucking his gut in as far as he could.
His wife laughs, saying 'I don't think that is going to help lower the number.'
He replies, 'It's the only way I can read the numbers on the scale.'

**
They all say the best way to lose weight is eat all you want of everything you don't like.

When it comes to eating, help yourself more by helping yourself less.

If you really want to lose weight, there are only 3 things you must give up. ... Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner

Did you ever notice that in book stores you will find the diet books in between humor and fiction?

What's the use of going on a diet if you starve to death trying to live longer?

Doctors say if you eat slowly, you will eat less. You certainly will if you are a member of a large family!

Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow, we diet!

A balanced diet is an ice cream cone in each hand.

A diet helps a person gain weight more slowly

tiggerhammon

Ex-dieters Psalm

My stomach is my shepherd;
I shall not want low-calorie foods.
It maketh me to munch on potato chips and bean dip;
It leadeth me into 31 flavors;
It restoreth my soul food.
It leadeth me into the paths of cream puffs in bakeries.
Yea, though I waddle through the valley of the shadow of dieting,
I will fear no skimmed milk;
For my appetite is with me;
My Twinkies and DingDongs they comfort me;
They anointeth my body with calories;
My scale tippeth over!
Surely chubbiness and contentment shall follow me
All the days of my life.
And I shall dwell in the house of Marie Callender Pies ...
Forever.

tiggerhammon

TJMiddaugh

eating fast food is like killing hitch hikers, if you only do it once in awhile it wont catch up to you... Tosh.0

a hamburger shouldnt cost 99 cents. but the money you spend on organic foods you will save on new underwear...Tosh.0

tiggerhammon

mikey1976

DIET PILLS--"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient, who tipped the scales at about three hundred pounds. "I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time...."

mikey1976

Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

Lazygal53

Good one :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

mikey1976

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."

tiggerhammon

Good ones Mikey. Thanks.

tiggerhammon