Body Dysmorphia and Choosing a Goal - HELP please

PilatesConvert

I've been working for years on getting a realistic view of my body, and loving it at many sizes, but it's an ongoing struggle. It's affecting my thoughts now that I'm recommitting to MFP and thinking about a goal weight.

For many years I perceived myself much larger than I actually am. I've made a lot of progress and now see myself AS I am, and am mostly accepting of where I am and where I'm going. I think I'm beautiful at my current size but a bit heavier than I'd like. I'm 170 lb, size 14, waist to hip ratio 0.73 so sexy curvy, but still unhealthy and my real goal is to be strong and healthy, not a clear size or weight.

In the past, I also though I was beautiful at a size 8-10 (which is ~145-150 lb). I still had plenty of visible fat and my thighs still rubbed together at that weight but it was the top range of my target BMI. When I've gotten any lower than that I think I look sick. I see myself becoming a bobblehead doll where my head is too big for my body. Other people didn't think I looked sick, but I did.

Now I'm trying to imagine a goal below 150 and thinking about getting that small again scares me. Am I crazy? Is this something you've been through and just takes MORE years and more work?

TIA