Memorial Gathering (Downer thread)

Gdeeaz

My best friends mom passed away on Thursday morning. Her mom didn't want a funeral or any type of viewing so they will be having a small gathering at my friends sisters home. I have only been to a few funerals and I've never been to a gathering at a home. Should I wear what I would wear to a funeral? Should I bring flowers? What should I say to my best friend and her siblings? When I talked to her on the phone all I could say was that I was sorry. I know there is nothing I can say to make the pain go away but I want them to know that my family and I are there for them if they need anything. I've known my best friend and her family since we were 4 and while I wasn't really close with her mom she has been a constant in my life for 19 years.

Also, how often should I check in with my friend? I know people need time to grieve and she is the type who needs alone time. I want to make sure she knows that I'm here for her but I don't want to be pushy.

I know this is a total downer thread and not the norm for this website but the place I would usually ask about this kind of thing is not available. Any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

weevil66

I am so very sorry. Your poor friend and her family, and you too.

Honestly, I don't know that there is any right way to handle things because everybody handles grief differently. . The pain is there but just by letting your friend know that you and your family are there and care will mean a lot. Some people would not leave my side for days after my husband died. I think it was weeks before I was alone and I absolutely craved it. As impersonal as a text might seem, if you are hesitant to call , then sending her a text daily or every other day might help because she can choose to respond or not respond depending on how she feels. Just by being there, not forgetting her, giving her a hug if she needs it, an ear if she needs it, a sense of normalcy if that is what she craves. She may shut down for a while, or she may be numb. She may get angry, she may be bitter. It is part of the grieving. I was numb for a long time, and I felt as though I was somebody else because all I could think was "He like it that I laughed" and so I laughed.

I do apologize if I am scattered and rambling. But truly bless you for wanting to be there for your friend and her family.

eta. Maybe bring some food? For me, I was not big into eating for a long time and people pretty much had to tempt me to eat.