Flip-flopping extremes :*(

Shinemaria

So here's my story, convoluted as it may be:

I joined MFP last summer, don't remember how much I lost but i felt great about myself, then when I went back to college the "Mac diet" started, which is basically eating way too much of the carb-heavy, calorie-laden, rumor-has-it-that-they-put-diuretics-in-it food, because every meal is an all you can eat. I quickly fell off the MFP wagon. I deleted it from my bookmarked sites because I was ashamed to even look at it on a daily basis. I quickly gained back all that I had lost and more, and although I went through a lot of major life changes during the school year (joined a sorority which I LOVE, Alpha Xi Delta!, had to figure out my antidepressant dosage issues, got a wonderful boyfriend, had a pregnancy scare that inspired me to change my major, got a new best friend and roommate), none of that prompted me to change the way I was eating.

My sisters, my family, and my boyfriend all love me for who I am on the inside, and they will all insist to me that I am beautiful on the outside as well, which is really nice. However, I'm sick of me being this way. I had a stint in high school where i was....well, let's call it "wannarexic". I know that anorexia is a serious disorder, and I will not label myself as an anorexic because I didn't have all the symptoms, but I was trying to get it. However, at that time, I was eating healthy foods, just not much of them, and working out all the time because of my show choir. Since I've come home for the summer, I've been lapsing into looking at "thinspo" and pro-ana/mia sites, just because I want change so much, and moderation has always come hard to me. I'm not sure how to stop this, and I am not eating like an anorexic, nor am I purging, but I feel sort of like I wish I was. it would be SO much easier to just know "FOOD IS BAD" instead of "well, certain foods are good in this amount, and you can have some of this but not too much, and this is sort of okay....etc etc etc." I've always been what my mother likes to call "100% Maria" - I'm either ecstatic or devastated, motivated to the brim or too lazy to get out of bed, you get the picture. I have a really hard time with moderation!

What can I do to make sure I'm not eating 100% or 0%???? Is this something anyone else struggles with? I feel like I'm really alone in this, even though my brain tells me I'm statistically not.

squoozyq

Wow, we could be twins. How is it that I could eat barely anything, smoke cigarettes and run....and be a size two, but eat healthy, work out and take care of myself and not lose hardly anything? I either eat nothing, or I eat everything. So, yes, I share your pain and I seek the same answers that you do. I am the heaviest i have EVER been, and I'm so unhappy.
Suzanne