How the hell did I get here? 25 lbs that feel like 250

debreissue2012
debreissue2012 Posts: 4
in Introduce Yourself
No those aren't my measurements. They are my statistics. I'm 42 years old, I weigh 67kilos (I'm barely 5'4") and I've gained and lost at leat 7kgs or 15lbs 7 times since 1991. Until I wrote that down I knew I felt like a basket case. I didn't resize I've been a yo-yo for the last 20 years!

I can't do this anymore.

I just joined this site and for the first time instead of trying to just pick myself up by reading the posts of others and looking for clues to help myself, im actually going to post. I'm looking for help to finally put an end to what's become the only nagging constant in my life. The voice inside my head saying "You will never be as good as the others. You're a fake. Everyone can see you are good enough to be here. See how fat you are?". I've gone from an attractive, smart promising 22 year old, to a nervous, insecure, totally un-confident 42 year old. What the hell happened to me? How did I get here?

My husband loves me but doesn't know how to help. I'm writing this but as I do I'm torn about it because who is going to respond to such a pathetic sounding person?

I have lost weight before going from 125lbs to 104lbs at 21 years old (I have a small frame) through diet and exercise in 2-3 months but now after two kids, I am tipping scales at 67kgs (147lbs) and 37% body fat. I used to be a jogger and have run a few half marathons (never faster than 2hrs 4 minutes though) but now have pain my knees when I run 5km!

I've been logging this site for about a week but always at night, after paying attention all day, i sabotage myself and start eating crap, cancelling out all my day's efforts. I'm so tired and I can't sleep - I'm now so obsessed by this whole weight loss thing, I literally wake up whipping myself mentally for binging out at night and ruining day of hard work. Resulting in no sleep and me posting this in desperation at 3 in the morning.

Please help me with any advice or words of encouragement. I know 25lbs might seem like nothing, especially when there are more courageous people losing that in just a month or two on this ite but I've been carrying them around on my back so long I feel trapped, like I can't get up from the weight and that I'm never going to lose the weight, that I'm never going to amount to anything and that at 42, this is it, I've had my chance, I've blown it and I'm never going to get up again. Please help me.

Replies

  • Robin070
    Robin070 Posts: 18 Member
    You weigh less than me, so you should be inspired that your weight is not totally out of control although its not where you would want to be. Stay encouraged and just keep at the small things...follow your goals and before you eat like crap at night, log it it before you put it in your mouth. That is how I get ahead...before I eat that small measley bag of potato chips I go to my app, log it in and see if that will put me over my allotment for the day. If it does, I treat the calories like my money and say 'I can't afford that!' lol...and if you must have it, eat it when you can afford it. But logging ahead of time keeps you from going over.
  • keina629
    keina629 Posts: 29 Member
    Don't give up!

    Take small steps - your first was joining fitness pal!
    Set yourself challenges - just one day at a time - tomorrow if you binge, cut out at least one type of food that you binge on. Don't try to replace it, or replace it with something healthy.
    Once you can do it once there is no excuse not to do it again.
    Make sure you log all your food, every extra biscuit, piece of chocolate - because even that is incentive not to binge - to have to see what you have eaten!
    Calorie counting is such an efficient way to lose weight. You become so aware of what you are eating and realize that you could celebrate with dessert if you have eaten well all day.

    You can do this! Have a look at all the success stories and pictures, they are very inspiring and show such a range of weights, ages and lifestyles - and loads of these people started with small changes!

    Good luck :)
  • biff54928
    biff54928 Posts: 35
    You have got to want it and have some major will power! For years everytime I have heard of diet or thought about dieting I would eat and all the junk food I could possibly eat! I am also 42 and started my journey to losing weight after gaining 17 pounds in a yr. My doctor said if I would just stop drinking 1 soda a day it would help. So I thought about it and gaining 17 pounds was not something to be proud of so for myself I stopped drinking soda all together, which is a major goal for me since I used to drink alot of it. I have watched what I eat and have worked out {and I like it} the pounds were going off pretty fast and I was surprised and it felt GOOD.
    Next time you think about binging on junk tell yourself do I really want this? And DON'T give up you can do it! I have now lost 66 pounds myself and need to lose a lot more and I refuse to give up! If you bing don't beat yourself up about it tomorrow is another day to start over
  • newhabit
    newhabit Posts: 426 Member
    that was what happened to me too... i got into the 150s when i used to be 110 or so throughout high school. i am also 5'4"... now i'm more like 130 but still want to lose a little more. i understand how you feel.
  • mhoward685
    mhoward685 Posts: 129 Member
    When I started I learned that I didn't eat enough early in the day. By eating a good breakfast and eating small frequent meals it will help the bingeing.
  • JeaninePaige
    JeaninePaige Posts: 464 Member
    Of course you CAN do it, but you have to put your heart and soul INTO doing it in order to make it happen.

    I know it's frustrating, believe me. I am on a journey with 40lbs ahead of me to lose. But, if you use your willpower and you fight through it, you can get there and so can I.

    At night, try exercising if you can't sleep. This helped me tremendously. Just a bit of cardio... Jumping jacks, squats, sit-ups, push-ups... Anything to get you sweating a bit will help.

    Also, when you feel a craving coming on, remember you have to track it. And will that bag of chips or box of cookies validate your entire day's effort to be good? No. Drink a big glass of water, have something healthy, and start moving. Soon you will see that you can kick the cravings to the curb and once you do this for a few weeks it becomes second nature and gets easier.

    Also, if you don't have the stuff in the house you've been binging on, you can't. ;)

    The first month is usually the hardest because it's a lifestyle change. I have faith in you.
  • Front_Runner
    Front_Runner Posts: 175
    I was in a very similar boat. I really think you will find MFP very helpful. We sound similar - I came on here to drop about 20 lbs. or so, and keep it off. I hit my goal (I started this at around 145 lbs., and I am now at 122 lbs.), and continue to use MFP for support to keep me level headed! Call out to your friends, message boards, etc. before you are going to binge. Ask them for help - for support - for ideas... you'll be amazed on how that one step can help!

    I learned a ton of tricks on here. I learned portion control, I learned to celebrate all the small victories, I learned that TEA (all types of flavors) saves me! Haha! I also discovered that when I lost a pound... I felt SO SO happy and proud. I learned to hold fast to that feeling. Everytime I opened the cupbord late at night, desperately looking for a sugary snack... I would stop for a moment, and think hard about how awesome it feels to have made strides in my weight loss. I think now, before I act, and ask - what will this get me? I'll enjoy it for a moment.... but then I'll feel guilty, angry, upset, and possibly sabatoge my success. Then I close the cupbord door and make a cup of tea, grab my computer, and chat with my MFP friends about it!

    You can do it! It will be tough, but you're ready! Don't sell yourself short. :o)
  • vvanm
    vvanm Posts: 157
    MFP food logging holds you accountable to daily calories and maintenance once you reach your goal. Figure out what to have in the house that does not trigger late night eating. Don't let an emotional swing sabotague you. That's just your brain trying to hang onto those pounds. Don't worry about losing within a time frame and think of this as your new lifestyle. You can redefine your self image and be whoever you want to be, even in your 40's! It is never too late to do better and feel better so be tough and stick with it.
  • run227down2130
    run227down2130 Posts: 11
    We are our own worst enemies. We would (or at least I would!) NEVER talk to someone else the way that I used talk to myself. My inner dialogue was negative, crippling, and the opposite of what I needed.

    Now, instead of beating myself over binge or a bad meal, I drink some water and get in some exercise (a walk, some stretching) or plan my next day of meals and exercise. Then I congratulate myself on getting back on track. Metal high fives all around.

    Don't be your own worse critic. And remember to talk to yourself like you would talk to another human being. Because you are a human being. One that makes mistakes, that has setbacks, but who is also willing to at least TRY.

    Good luck on your journey. You CAN do this.
  • bacorton
    bacorton Posts: 8 Member
    Hi,
    I don't know if I can help you but it sure sounds like my story too. I have been trying to go to the gym for 3 years because I was 131 and carry it ALL in the middle. Well, 3 years later I am 142 now 140 and have a 39.5 waist and am also 5'4. I am 53 and don't know how I got here. I have always been able to eat and drop and mostly weighed about 110 lowest 100, but average 100-115 max. Nothing fits my BMI is 37 and have a history of an eating disorder. In the sense of obsessing about my body image. Menapause is cruel...
    I don't mind being 53 but I hate my body shape. I also need to get down to 117 which is about the amount of weight you are talking about. I am now trying because I am so sick of the constant new agreements I make with myself. Yeah, I look at a picture or in the mirror and say "who in the heck are you?" I love Choclate and I don't think I have been hungry since 1982 since I don't ever stop eating. I am a Diet Cokeaholic and I mean serious about 10 a day. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your struggles and 25 pounds is a lot when we constantly are renegotiating our committments to ourselves. I am flashing as I am writing.
    I am bound and determined, but then there are those moments that I look and say this body is never going back to what it was. I was a runner too. Now I look like an Ethiopian (in a bad way) because I have a slow digistive system too boot.
  • ahelsel1970
    ahelsel1970 Posts: 65 Member
    Hi there!!

    You are concentrating are the wrong thing. I learned some time ago that Little things matter. The questions you ask yourself are all wrong. Our minds are so efficient that it will work to find the answer to the question it is asked,
    So if you say 'How the H___ did I get here" your answer will come back 'because I have no will power" or Because I am stupid" of "because I am not worthy" or something else negative.
    But if you ask the correct questions such as "what do I have to do to become more healthy" or "how can I become a better me" your mind will search and give you that answer.
    You will feel better about everything because you are always moving toward a positive solution.
    This is very encouraging.

    Let me know if that helps and I can talk more about this.

    My best to you,

    Austin
  • Tracyready
    Tracyready Posts: 1
    I like that thought process. Thanks
  • ahelsel1970
    ahelsel1970 Posts: 65 Member
    Thx Tracy!!!!

    Keep rockin!!
  • Circa1964
    Circa1964 Posts: 225 Member
    I believe Austin said it best! Also, just today one of my MFP friends said that weight loss is a priority in her life. When she wants to eat something not on her plan, she asks herself "Am I a Priority?" Does this (cookie, nachos, or Klondike Bar) help me to reach my goals? I thought that was a great motivator.
  • debreissue2012
    debreissue2012 Posts: 4
    Thank you


    I don't know what to say? I wasn't sure anyone would reply or understand. I was too scared to re-read my post because then probably wouldn't have sent it. And I'm glad I did.

    1. I'm going to try logging the crap before eating it. Knowing me, seeing how it totally cancels out my good work, BEFORE, will be a big reality check. But

    2. I'm going to give the Haagen Daz away. I don't think I'm at the point where I can have just one spoon.

    3. Small steps, small goals. Bite size pieces. I keep being overwhelmed by the past and my previous size and physical condition. I keep saying "what's the point? I'll never be 104lbs again!". When what should be doing is asking the right question like - what do I need to do to lost 5lbs? ". Did I understand your suggestion Austin? I think the thinking change your kind of question implies is a good technique.
  • wildvintagechic
    wildvintagechic Posts: 15 Member
    I love you. You should love you! I love the courage it took to bare your soul for all to read. How did you get here? Same way I did, life can be hard and it's so easy to put yourself at the bottom of the to do list. Really where is "here"..... not the end of the line, but really the starting point of something new. Austin is so right! Quite a few posts that I have read, women have talked about how disgusted they are with themselves or worse, how disgusting they feel they look and it makes me sad. I would never call anyone else disgusting so why talk about myself that way? Don't ever underestimate yourself! You are so capable!

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