My Daughter

kimnaaron4ever
kimnaaron4ever Posts: 61
in Fitness and Exercise
Well, I have been on my healthier lifestyle journey for almost 3 years now. In that 3 years I've managed to lose 30 pounds and found a love of good healthy food that I never thought I'd have. I hardly ever eat fast food (except for Subway) and have given up soda (except as a treat maybe once or twice a week and then it's only one). Now that I have me under control (for the most part), I have a new worry! I have a beautiful 10 (almost 11) year old daughter and I am really worried about her! She is approximately 4' 10" and weighs about 115 lbs. I know that there is no way that 115 lbs at 11 years old is healthy! My husband (her stepdad) and I are trying our best to lead by example when it comes to food and healthy choices and give all our girls the tools they need to make good decisions, but she is having the hardest time! She absolutely LOVES food and the foods that she loves the most are the foods that are terrible for her! She loves McDonalds, Taco Bell, anything fried, and boy does she love her soda! It is easy to keep things in check when she is home (we very rarely go to McDonalds or Taco Bell and we treat ourselves to something like fried fish maybe once a week, and very rarely have soda readily avaiable at home), my problem is when she is at her dad's and stepmom's! Talking to them about it will probably only lead to a war (because they already think my 15 year old is heading for an eating disorder because she doesn't like fast food and actually reads a nutritional label from time to time), so, we've been working on helping her understand how important it is to make good decisions! My problem is I don't know how to talk to her about the fact that I believe she is overweight without hurting her feelings or causing her to be overly self-concious about her body! She is a very sensitive girl and I worry about how to handle this! I also worry about what will happen at school if someone picks on her (I know how cruel children can be!). So do any of you have any suggestions on how to handle this or any books that I could read that would help me with this very sensitive subject? TIA!!!
«1

Replies

  • GunnerGirl029
    GunnerGirl029 Posts: 29 Member
    Good for you and your husband for leading by example! I don't think saying anything to your daughter would be productive, just continue to teach her about nutrition, keep the junk out of your house and maybe get her involved in a sport? Even going for walks is beneficial. There isn't much you can do about what goes on in someone elses house so keep doing whet you know is best for your child! Keep your head up! At 11/12 there's still a lot of growing to be done!
  • jmdax
    jmdax Posts: 119 Member
    maybe get her involved in a sport?

    This! Does she like any sports? Soccer? Basketball? Swimming? Or just activities like biking or martial arts? Doesn't have to be super competitive at that age. Just something fun that she enjoys to get her exercise would be good for her.
  • Meganfitz97
    Meganfitz97 Posts: 2
    Firstly, I am a 16 year old girl who used to be quite overweight when I was your daughter's age. I have lost quite a lot since then, simply through growing taller and losing a lot of puppy fat. I am still a little overweight, but not as bad as I used to be. Secondly, don't tell her you think she's overweight, trust me that's the last thing she'll want to hear, but maybe talk to her about any sports clubs she might want to join? I did karate for many years and not only did it help me become slimmer, I made a lot of really good friends, some who I still speak to now! I know it's not a lot of people's first choice sport, especially girls, but I'm sure there's some sort of sport she's interested in! Why not ask if any of her friends do sport and maybe she could join their club? Then she'd know someone before she started! If you also keep giving her healthy foods, but maybe find out what meals are her favourites and tell her dad how to make them so it doesn't sound like it has anything to do with her weight and just about what meals she enjoys? I hoped this helped
  • Merrysix
    Merrysix Posts: 336 Member
    Does she like to go bicycling or swimming with you? I often took my daughter with me to the gym when she was younger and she really enjoyed it, we also took tennis lessons together which was fun. We lifted weights together starting when she was 11. I never had to talk to my daughter about food, because she learned about it and how to read labels in health class both in grade school and high school, and also when she took up a sport in high school her coaches talked to her about it. I also let her use my weight lifting trainer as a special treat in highschool and paid for it. I did tell her that for me sugary/white flour type foods triggered my overeating and that is why I stay away from them. But I never discussed her weight with her, nor would she have wanted me to. Oh, we also enjoyed cooking healthy foods together, and her job for dinner was always to make the salad, and when she was little she was pretty creative, making faces with sliced carrot eyes, red pepper lips, etc.
  • iKapuniai
    iKapuniai Posts: 594 Member
    Is 115 really overweight for her height? It doesn't seem like much to me. My sister is 15, 5'2" and 296lbs.

    Anyways - my suggestion be to definitely refrain from telling her she's overweight. The last thing your daughter needs is a punch to her self esteem before she hits high school (cause high school will do the job for you lol). Getting her into sports would be good, if she's into that. Maybe making some time for the whole family to all get involved in going for a walk every day? If you have game consoles, maybe consider getting some fitness games. I know WII has them, not sure what else - not a video gamer here. My sister, who HATES exercise and LOVES food (obviously), will not work out, but she loves to dance. AND she loves to swim. Swimming is a great exercise! If you guys have a pool around, I don't know what teen/preteen doesn't like to go swimming lol

    Cleaning is a good workout too... maybe give her some more chores to do, anything to get her moving. Do some gardening? Don't know many kids that like to do that, but it's an idea lol Could be fun.

    Anyways, that's all I've got lol Good luck!

    Love and Alohas,
    Ihilani Kapuniai
  • ALH1981
    ALH1981 Posts: 538 Member
    You should be very very careful here. I was a chubby child and my mother was 'worried' about me - she encourages me to do sport, but i also watched her diet for years... then she took me to weight watchers when i was 12 years old - i didn't realize i was ANY different to any other child until this point - i was healthy, happy and content. Being told i needed to lose weight shattered my confidence and i developed a restrictive eating disorder. That was 19 years ago and i struggle every day since with disordered eating...

    be very very careful how you approach this.
  • flslp87
    flslp87 Posts: 175 Member
    Boy this one is a tough one as I have twin girls who are 10 and I can't imagine having to have that conversation w/ them. Telling her that she is overweight but what you can do is get her started on eating healthy and maybe even get her a book on self image. And yes, get her in a sport that she can burn lots of calories...maybe swimming? Good luck...
  • Cinnamon0603
    Cinnamon0603 Posts: 149 Member
    Firstly, I am a 16 year old girl who used to be quite overweight when I was your daughter's age. I have lost quite a lot since then, simply through growing taller and losing a lot of puppy fat. I am still a little overweight, but not as bad as I used to be. Secondly, don't tell her you think she's overweight, trust me that's the last thing she'll want to hear, but maybe talk to her about any sports clubs she might want to join? I did karate for many years and not only did it help me become slimmer, I made a lot of really good friends, some who I still speak to now! I know it's not a lot of people's first choice sport, especially girls, but I'm sure there's some sort of sport she's interested in! Why not ask if any of her friends do sport and maybe she could join their club? Then she'd know someone before she started! If you also keep giving her healthy foods, but maybe find out what meals are her favourites and tell her dad how to make them so it doesn't sound like it has anything to do with her weight and just about what meals she enjoys? I hoped this helped

    I couldn't have said it better myself!!!
  • RaeN81
    RaeN81 Posts: 534 Member
    Um, I was a healthy 10 year old who was probably over a hundred pounds and 5 feet tall...I think I wore a size 0 or something ridiculous like that when I was 13.

    That is a HEALTHY bmi for her height! (I double checked, it is a bmi of 24) Please do not make your daughter feel fat or suggest that she needs to lose weight. Maybe get her involved in a sport or take her on walks or sign up for a fun run together.
  • ksavy
    ksavy Posts: 271 Member
    Are you and your husband tall? I was just thinking that I weighed around 120-130 at that age (but was taller), but then went through a growth spurt the next couple years. By the time I was 14 I was 5'11" and about 145-150.
  • ericgAU
    ericgAU Posts: 271
    I have 3 daughters myself and agree it can be hard to mention the subject. Leading by example as you mention I think is probably one of the most effective ways. My 10 year old daughter is amazing. She has silently been copying everything I eat over the last few months. She doesnt make a fuss about it. She loves eating porridge and even tries various Quinoa recipes I whip up. Shes not big on drinking water by itself so she'll squeeze some lemon in it. Its just little things. I certainly would be careful what foods you buy in the house too.
  • Vmsunderland
    Vmsunderland Posts: 53
    Although I am now 22 I was your daughter at 10: My parents were split, my Dad didn't care, & I was on the fast track to having many a health problem.
    Also I hated healthy foods & had absolutely NO interest in sports.

    I moved in with My Mom when I was 10 & these are things she did for me to help me lose weight (even if your daughter is at her father's these tips will still help when she is with you).

    1. Daily walks (if she wants to go somewhere that is in a 2 mile radius it's WALK WALK WALK)

    2. Bike vs. Drive (anything over a 2 mile radius ((if it's time permitting)) if she hates biking roller blade))

    3. Don't tell her she's fat, she's probably already aware.... make sure to remind her how smart, funny, & pretty she is.

    4. Start daily jogging (if you don't want to jog, you bike & she follows) this must be a DAILY thing when she is with you

    5. If she's a soda junkie go diet (idc if people want to throw the "diet is worse" line around, diet rite is ok & I'd rather that than almost 300 cals a can)

    6. Enforce portion control & calorie intake


    Finally I want to remind you that being inactive (more so in children ) kills the same number of people as cigarettes do (new studies prove this). As the parent you need to enforce healthy habits, daily exercise, & the amount of calories she is consuming. If she wants to change it as an adult, at least you've done your part.
  • steph1278
    steph1278 Posts: 483 Member
    I'm in the same boat as you. My daughter is 11(will be 12 in October) and weighs 150 pounds. She is 5'4" so she has height on her side somewhat. I take complete responsibility because she learned by my example. I am now leading a healthier lifestyle so am hoping that translates over to her. I no longer buy soda and have fruits, veggies, and healthy snacks readily available. I have also started having her come to the gym with me 3 days per week and she gets to choose what cardio machine she wants to use. Once the weather cools down, I plan on incorperating family walks or bike rides for additional exercise. I am hoping that these changes along with a growth spurt will even her out. When my son was her age, he was about 5'7" and 175. He is now 14 and 6'1" and about 180/185. He is more active however. They have their physicals on Friday so I'm going to see what the doctor recommends. I don't want to give her body image issues, but I want her to be healthy.
  • blesssedmomof4
    blesssedmomof4 Posts: 25 Member
    My daughter is also 10 almost 11 (4' 10") and when we went to the doctor last week, the doctor told me to keep an eye on her weight as she is around 8 lbs overweight (weighs 103 and needs to weigh around 95) and our family has always struggled with obesity. Exercise is not the problem for her as she is very athletic but also dances competitively dancing over 4 hours a week for competition but she still struggles as she LOVES all the foods she shouldn't have. The doctor talked to her about it and they decided that we need to start watching her food for a week or two (logging it) like mommy does. The first two days she was in a total shock that the decisions she was making were leaving her with zero calories by the time she was done with lunch. She was really shocked when she had 3 of the $.99 drinks and had to log 600 calories. Another eye opener came when she realized that even though she was working her butt off and dancing as hard as she was, she still was going over. She has not become obsessed and this issue hasn't seemed to faze her but it is interesting to watch her go to somewhere like McDonalds and ask me what would be the healthier option and order it. I am not worried about her but just trying to make her aware. I also am not trying to take everything a child loves away from her but show her that some foods can be substituted and her like those just as well. She will now get one Pepsi and nurse it all day instead of gulp. Maybe you could take her in for a yearly exam and have the doctor talk to her, then if they tell her she needs to start choosing smarter foods you would also have a leg to stand on with her dad about what types of things they are letting her have. Good Luck as I know exactly what you are dealing with as I just started my new life to a happier, healthier me in April. I have changed the way I cook which has really impacted the whole family BUT only for the best!
  • jayliospecky
    jayliospecky Posts: 25,022 Member
    Um, yeah. 4'10" is above average height for her age, so it's pretty normal for her to be a little above average in weight. And even on the BMI scale she would get a 24, which is considered in the healthy range. Odds are she will still grow in height, so I STRONGLY urge you to relax and just encourage healthy food and activity, preferably by example. She's also heading into an age of SUCH insecurity, she really doesn't need to feel any more insecure than she probably already does (or will.)
  • Vmsunderland
    Vmsunderland Posts: 53
    blesssedmomof & Steph1278

    I think you guys are doing exactly what you should be for your children! Keep it up!
  • JessyLovesJCS
    JessyLovesJCS Posts: 169 Member
    My 10 1/2 year old daughter is having some weight issues too...and I worry about her as I know how difficult it is to be an overweight teenager. She is already 5'2" and 138 pounds. Now, when her BMI was calculated it was around 25.2? Does that sound correct? Anyway, I use the words "getting healthier" and "feeling better" rather than "diet" or "overweight". So, I invite her to go on walks with me..just us girls... to talk. It's a nice time...and she thinks it's fun!
  • jessimom
    jessimom Posts: 29
    Do the sports thing above, but ... If it is hard to fit in enough with your schedule tell her that you need her help since you are finding it hard to stay on track after three years and need her (and you other daughters too) to start walking/ jogging with you. Even have them pick hacking places out if you have good places around. I guarantee she knows she is bigger than the other girls around her so don't confirm this by saying to her ... If you walk with her you also will get family time. I remember walking with my mother for years ever evening when I was young and that probably helped us get through my later teen years.
  • RuthSweetTooth
    RuthSweetTooth Posts: 461 Member
    I think that the most important thing you can do for her is to teach her to eat five fruits and vegetables a day and to play or exercise for 30 minutes a day. She should also try to get three servings of dairy in a day for her bones. The rest should fall in place.
  • froeschli
    froeschli Posts: 1,293 Member
    kids can be nasty, and as long as your daughters 'friends' aren't coming up with 1000 ways to insult her weight, chances are she's not in that bad a shape.
    getting her involved in sports sounds like a good idea though. for any kid really, btw.

    the fast food when with her dad, that's a tough one. my mom was the 'other' parent in my case, and we'd drink pop, chew (cigarette shaped - woo hooo) gum and eat out on weekends with her. it's normal, i think, just a way to accumulate as much 'good time' as spent with the full time parent. and chances are her dad just can't say no to her. if you're on speaking terms, mention your concerns to him. if they are valid, he will listen.
    i personally don't think (reasonable amounts of) junk food on weekends would be the only cause of weight gain, so look at what she's doing when at home and school as well.
    oh, and whenever my mom went to criticize what i was eating - i heaped another spoon or two of sugar/cream/cheese/calories on top. now that i am almost thirty, i might actually lend her an ear...
  • cmeade20
    cmeade20 Posts: 1,238 Member
    My mom used to call me chubby or chunky sometimes when I was a teenager (I wasn't @ 15-16 I was 110 lbs I'm 5'2). It resulted in me having a not so positive body image (and me getting really happy when my mom got heavy, makes me sound horrible I know) While you'd probably be more tactful than my mother I just wouldn't tell a girl at such a sensitive age that she's overweight. Keep teaching her about nutrition, try getting her involved in sports or dance or something else active. One day she's probably going to decide herself to lose weight, then you can help her with it.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    Um, 4'10 -- 115 pounds is actually a normal weight according to the BMI for an adult. I imagine at 10-11 her body is going through a lot of changes. When I was 10-11, I was chubby. At 12, I had a fully adult body. I weighed 130 pounds (5'2), 36 C boobs.

    You need to talk to her pediatrician - if s/he is concerned have them start a conversation with you daughter and continue it. Model a healthy lifestyle and let it go.
  • mandysmom092711
    mandysmom092711 Posts: 784
    I can relate to your situation. I have lost 23 pounds this first year here. I have a 10 year old daughter who weighs 110 pounds. Alot of the little girls clothes are too small for her. She doesn't look over weight, until she's looking for new clothes. We have to go to the jr. dept. We got a pool and she loves swimming in it. I have started swimming laps and got her to join me. I just have to watch what she eats. She's aware that she's "chubby" as she says. I continue to work with her on her food choices. It's a work in progress! Good luck!
  • jaimrlx
    jaimrlx Posts: 426 Member
    My mom used to call me chubby or chunky sometimes when I was a teenager (I wasn't @ 15-16 I was 110 lbs I'm 5'2). It resulted in me having a not so positive body image (and me getting really happy when my mom got heavy, makes me sound horrible I know) While you'd probably be more tactful than my mother I just wouldn't tell a girl at such a sensitive age that she's overweight. Keep teaching her about nutrition, try getting her involved in sports or dance or something else active. One day she's probably going to decide herself to lose weight, then you can help her with it.

    Same with me. My mom also called me 'fat' (verbatim), and taught me how to suck in my stomach as to not look so 'gross' (also verbatim). Either way, I agree with this. Even if you'd be more tactful, it may still hurt the same. It sounds like between you, your husband and your other daughter, she's got some pretty good influences. Don't push too hard, or she'll only rebel more at her dad's house. My mom wouldn't let me look at, let alone touch a cheeseburger growing up.. so when I got out of the house, where do you think I went everyday? Straight to burger-town. Just be the positive influence, push for a sport, and let life run it's course. Hopefully it's all still baby fat anyway. She's only 10, just keep that in mind.

    Edit: I forgot to mention I was 4'8 and 95 lbs when I first learned I was 'fat'.
  • CarleyLovesPets
    CarleyLovesPets Posts: 410 Member
    I would back off a little.

    Lead by example, she's in a healthy weight range and she still has A LOT of growing to do.
    And REALLY don't tell her she is over weight just help her if she ever mentions it.

    A 10 year old really doesn't need self esteem issues.
  • michellelhartwig
    michellelhartwig Posts: 486 Member
    We brought our children for their well child check in October. At that time, my 10 yo pretty much was where you are now. The DOCTOR told us ALL that he was a little chunky...actually both boys, but that's another post...Her recommendation: Let him grow into his body...she didn't want us to push him to lose weight, rather, to keep him at this weight until he reaches the age of 14...
    My first thought was WTF??? BUT, here we are 9 months later, and he is a pound down. NOT because we are talking to him about his weight or exercising, but by simply limiting the choices that we all have...

    My advice: take her to your pediatrician and see what they say. :flowerforyou:
  • MeadowSong
    MeadowSong Posts: 171 Member
    It is VERY hard. Watched this happen with my sister and her ex over their daughter. Both good people, but very different. But after they split up, "Dad" never cooked. Always take out. Ate whatever. Was in business with his mother. Both had significant weight issues. My sister always struggled with her weight, but kept it within reason. But she worked so hard to teach the daughter how to eat right (and that was during the height of the "low fat" rage--so everything she ate, or allowed in the house was extremely low fat, and therefore not real satisfying to a teenage girl who was active and still growing) that the daughter started feeling like she just couldn't measure up. It was much worse because the two older girls--one from each parent's previous marriage--were thin. There was just no way for the daughter to control her eating when her father's house had all her favorites and her mother's house left her hungry. All I can say is don't let it get to be a battle. I'm thinking the folks that are saying get active with her are on track. My sister never did any sports, hiking or anything--she was a nurse and came home tired. The daughter even had horses and rode them with her dad--but the mom who was worried about her weight DIDN'T do anything active with her at all. I would say, take her places and DO things. Make the happy times fun, not food. Perhaps she will so enjoy being active that she'll watch what she eats on her own--but even if she doesn't, she'll still be better off. And don't worry about "weight", watch for "health"--don't worry about olive oil and nuts and fruit and such--and try to keep a light attitude about it all.
  • MarySunshine70
    MarySunshine70 Posts: 118
    So... remember a grain of salt on this advice....
    Just thinking that getting the mathematics of calories/ pound of fat/ exercise/ etc.... may actually empower her. If she's 10 - she's almost a young lady and may actually really like feeling in control of her own body. I say - you can educate her without demeaning her... you do not need to "call her fat" in order to give her motivation and true reasons to change her eating patterns.
    If she's being attacked by other kids - give her the power to combat it... teach her to be the expert of her own body.

    Good luck
  • ChristaFall
    ChristaFall Posts: 62 Member
    You should be very very careful here. I was a chubby child and my mother was 'worried' about me - she encourages me to do sport, but i also watched her diet for years... then she took me to weight watchers when i was 12 years old - i didn't realize i was ANY different to any other child until this point - i was healthy, happy and content. Being told i needed to lose weight shattered my confidence and i developed a restrictive eating disorder. That was 19 years ago and i struggle every day since with disordered eating...

    be very very careful how you approach this.

    Agree! I was also a LITTLE chunky ages 11-15. When I was 15 my parents called me into the living room (I remember it like it was yesterday) and said they wanted to have a "talk" with me. The only thing they said was "you've gotten fat (I was a size 7) and we just want to let you know that we refuse to buy you any more pants if you go up to a size 9" and then they just stared at me. At first I thought it was a joke but they just kept staring. I was shocked because even though I was constantly being teased by my older brothers about being fat I thought that my parents were OK with the way I looked. I went back to my room and cried. With that being said..from the age of 16 until NOW I have suffered from bulimia/anorexia. After that "talk" I started seriously restricting calories because if your own parents think you're fat then you ARE, right? I lost a bunch of weight, and then heard my mother tell me how "disgusting" I looked because I was now TOO skinny. But, by that point I didn't care..I was skinny and that was all that mattered. I have a seven year old daughter now. She is also a "little" chunky, I have the same problem of her eating tons of junk when she's at her dad's. I watch what she eats (not excessively) but I have NEVER told her she was fat. I try to say things like "fast food isn't healthy" and "I don't want you to get diabetes" (she knows what that is because her grandpa has it). I praise her when she eats good things. It's very hard though because she already says negative things about herself and compares herself to other girls in school. I know she sees me refrain from eating a lot of things anything high in calorie, and she'll ask me why I'm not eating them. She knows how strict I am with myself so I fear that she's headed towards an eating disorder..I wish you the best..I agree with everyone saying to get her involved in sports..my daughter takes gymnastics during the school year, not only does it help with weight, it boosts self esteem...
  • mrskatie80
    mrskatie80 Posts: 133 Member
    I was in a change room next to a mother and daughter a couple of months ago. The mother was getting completely stuck into her daughter about - not fitting into the sizes that she should, her muffin top, they way that the MOTHER gets embarrassed by the way the daughter looks, that she needs to stop stuffing her face with food, that she shouldn't think that she can hide food in her room.
    Jeez - the daughter was quietly sobbing to herself and obviously distraught.
    In hindsight I MASSIVELY regret not saying something and standing up for the poor kid. Some people shouldn't be allowed to parent
    There are tactful and gentle ways to encourage change.............
    I am starting to have this problem with my daughters as they spend 6 days out of 14 with their Dad and are always eating take-away and noodles etc.
    Not much I can do about it except educate them through grocery shopping, meal planning and incorporating healthy behaviours into our lifestyle and give them the grounding in being educated enough to make the SMART choices 90% of the time.

    Good luck!

Categories