Bit of a rant & request for idea for dealing with guests
NikkiSixGuns
Posts: 630 Member
in Chit-Chat
I'll attempt to keep this short...
My husband and I host a family get together once a month. We're about 17 people in all. We started hosting them after my father-in-law passed away a couple of years ago. Ya know - the whole lightbulb effect of losing a family member & realizing how dumb it is that all we see each other so rarely when we live so close to each other.
I enjoy seeing family and spending time with them, but there are several things that happen pretty routinely that really rub me the wrong way and make me want to scrap the whole business. I'd appreciate any honest suggestions for how to address them in a way that will both resolve the issue and isn't rude. I do like these people and don't want to offend anyone. So here's the list:
- Not respecting the "about 10:00" end time. People think that "about 10:00" means midnight or later. Even if we start wrapping up and putting things away they remain parked on the couch talking. This happens even when we let them know that we have plans early the next morning and need to get to bed early or if we say that we need to end at a specific time.
- Bringing other people without asking. They RSVP to tell (not ask) us that they're bringing so-and-so friend, adult visitor from another country, etc. I'm not comfortable having total strangers in my home and the event is supposed to be a family event.
- Wandering all over my house and perusing my private things. We close doors to rooms that aren't prepared for guests (the master bedroom, our hobby rooms, etc. and people still end up going in there to change their clothes, talk privately, etc. I've even found people in my closets and cabinets checking out our private stuff.
- Not throwing away their trash. They'll eat and then set their plate, napkin, cup, etc. on the end tables or wherever and just leave them there. Trash can is six feet from where they're sitting.
- Complaints about food & requests for specific stuff. This one really gets to me. We provide everything (used to have it potluck style but it was INSANE - people signing up to bring main dishes or drinks then not showing up for three hours, people wanting to cook their dish from scratch in our kitchen) and people make comments like "going cheap this time, huh?" (that one happened one month we did cold-cuts & fruit instead of the normal full spread we put out because I was having some serious health issues and was exhausted) or "what? no bacon?" when we had burgers. We also have had folks ask us to provide specific items. "Can we have roast beef next time?" or "Can you get vanilla ice cream, too?" or "I don't like Coke. Get Pepsi."
- RSVP problems. No RSVP. Late RSVP. RSVP and then no-show. How the heck am I supposed to know how much food to have? My favorite was when we served filet mignon for everyone and my bro-in-law and his family didn't show up after they RSVP'd that they'd be there. That was a waste of money.
- Kids running amok. Kids are all over the house man-handling EVERYTHING. We don't have kids yet and our house isn't exactly child-proof. We do put away anything that CAN'T be touched by the little ones, but they really get into everything. Taking pictures off the walls, climbing on furniture with shoes on, throwing video game controllers... We can't dismantle our whole house every month to accommodate this. My husband and I get after them about it, but I get tired of always being the bad guy! And I wish they wouldn't bring their sick little ones so everyone else (including our elderly grandparents) can get what they have. If the kid is throwing up, they should probably stay home. And make sure that their 3-year old doesn't eat wasabi peas until he gets sick and ralphs all over our very expensive couch.
I know, I know - I want to see these people, but on my terms. I don't know what to say. These things feel downright inconsiderate to me and I'm afraid that if I bring them up people will be hurt. At the same time I don't want to keep dealing with these issues! Any help?
So much for keeping it short. But I feel better...
My husband and I host a family get together once a month. We're about 17 people in all. We started hosting them after my father-in-law passed away a couple of years ago. Ya know - the whole lightbulb effect of losing a family member & realizing how dumb it is that all we see each other so rarely when we live so close to each other.
I enjoy seeing family and spending time with them, but there are several things that happen pretty routinely that really rub me the wrong way and make me want to scrap the whole business. I'd appreciate any honest suggestions for how to address them in a way that will both resolve the issue and isn't rude. I do like these people and don't want to offend anyone. So here's the list:
- Not respecting the "about 10:00" end time. People think that "about 10:00" means midnight or later. Even if we start wrapping up and putting things away they remain parked on the couch talking. This happens even when we let them know that we have plans early the next morning and need to get to bed early or if we say that we need to end at a specific time.
- Bringing other people without asking. They RSVP to tell (not ask) us that they're bringing so-and-so friend, adult visitor from another country, etc. I'm not comfortable having total strangers in my home and the event is supposed to be a family event.
- Wandering all over my house and perusing my private things. We close doors to rooms that aren't prepared for guests (the master bedroom, our hobby rooms, etc. and people still end up going in there to change their clothes, talk privately, etc. I've even found people in my closets and cabinets checking out our private stuff.
- Not throwing away their trash. They'll eat and then set their plate, napkin, cup, etc. on the end tables or wherever and just leave them there. Trash can is six feet from where they're sitting.
- Complaints about food & requests for specific stuff. This one really gets to me. We provide everything (used to have it potluck style but it was INSANE - people signing up to bring main dishes or drinks then not showing up for three hours, people wanting to cook their dish from scratch in our kitchen) and people make comments like "going cheap this time, huh?" (that one happened one month we did cold-cuts & fruit instead of the normal full spread we put out because I was having some serious health issues and was exhausted) or "what? no bacon?" when we had burgers. We also have had folks ask us to provide specific items. "Can we have roast beef next time?" or "Can you get vanilla ice cream, too?" or "I don't like Coke. Get Pepsi."
- RSVP problems. No RSVP. Late RSVP. RSVP and then no-show. How the heck am I supposed to know how much food to have? My favorite was when we served filet mignon for everyone and my bro-in-law and his family didn't show up after they RSVP'd that they'd be there. That was a waste of money.
- Kids running amok. Kids are all over the house man-handling EVERYTHING. We don't have kids yet and our house isn't exactly child-proof. We do put away anything that CAN'T be touched by the little ones, but they really get into everything. Taking pictures off the walls, climbing on furniture with shoes on, throwing video game controllers... We can't dismantle our whole house every month to accommodate this. My husband and I get after them about it, but I get tired of always being the bad guy! And I wish they wouldn't bring their sick little ones so everyone else (including our elderly grandparents) can get what they have. If the kid is throwing up, they should probably stay home. And make sure that their 3-year old doesn't eat wasabi peas until he gets sick and ralphs all over our very expensive couch.
I know, I know - I want to see these people, but on my terms. I don't know what to say. These things feel downright inconsiderate to me and I'm afraid that if I bring them up people will be hurt. At the same time I don't want to keep dealing with these issues! Any help?
So much for keeping it short. But I feel better...
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Replies
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One simple solution...
Relocate the get togethers to another house.
I completely understand your situation. I honestly don't like to have that many people at my house. Usually its like 3-4 at the same time. It gets mad I tell you.0 -
I would say the tell everyone all of that at your next meeting... Give it one more go, if it fails, scrap the whole thing. You're putting up with a lot.0
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I think the solution for this family get together is to have a picnic and meet in a park. Several of your problems will be solved and you can leave when you want to. In the winter months meet at a restaurant or indoor recreation facility. Good luck. I understand about relatives.0
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Take turns hosting at other's houses, or rent a local gathering place or restaurant , and have it catered.0
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Can you count family as regular guests? And as for telling telling them to leave, I tend to tell my family, "i love you but get the F*** out i have to get up early tomorrow," or " I'm going to bed you can let yourself out". You can always ask them not to go into the rooms you dont want them too. And ask them if they know what a garbage can looks like. I suppose it just depends on what kind of dynamic you have with your family.0
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i would not have it in the house, make everyone stay outside, especially those pesky kids!
renting a hall is a great idea.0 -
Instead of always hosting it at your house, suggest a round-robin. Every month have it at a different house, with a different family member hosting and supplying the meals, etc. It's only fair to spread it out.0
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I think it sounds like it is time for other people to start hosting at their houses. It is not fair that it all seems to fall on you alone. Are they even helping with money for the food?0
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also, you need to be assertive and stick up for yourself. its your house, you dictate the rules. yell at the kids. parents don't like it? too bad. being vocal just might do the trick. maybe people don't know you have rules! make people aware.0
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Good suggestions, all of them. I like the idea of rotating to different locations, even to a restaurant or something periodically.
We did host it at a park once. Got complaints about it being too dirty. Hahahaha!
Thanks all!0 -
I would seriously tell folks that it's time to start rotating amongst the family homes. Tell them you feel you've hogged the "hostess spotlight" long enough and want to give everyone the chance at sharing their inner "Martha Stewart". Either that, or you tell folks that there are some new considerations for them and just tell them like it is. Food's expensive. If you say your going to come, expect that I've spent $$$ to feed you. Unless it's an emergency, don't bail. 10:00 means 10:00. Not 10:15 or 10:30. Kids need to be minded so from now on they can play in the basement, family room, back yard. . .while we visit. Only trips to the bathroom outside those designated play areas. And, closed doors stay closed for a reason. Please respect that we do have private areas to the house. Heck, I'd even put a sign up that says "if the door's closed, that means you aren't invited in to that room." But, I'm not the world's best hostess either. . .some of that may ruffle some feathers, but they obviously don't mind ruffling your feathers now do they???0
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Find a local park or picnic area, maybe something with a BBQ pit that you guys can use. Tell everyone that you love seeing them monthly, but you need a change of location and that you're no longer having the gathering at your house & everyone is to bring food for their own families and that they are responsible for picking up their own trash (you're not their parents, you don't need to always provide for everyone). Being outside gives the kids a place to run crazy, people will naturally start to leave as it gets dark, and you don't have to clean up after everyone. Problem solved.0
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Take turns hosting at other's houses, or rent a local gathering place or restaurant , and have it catered.
^^this0 -
WOW - whole lot of ugly there. Perhaps a suggestion that someone else host the gathering? Or cut them down to every few months. Our family get together (mom's family) is held about every 2-3 months and we do it at a centrally located restaurant. The check gets split (which is sometimes a bit unfair, but never drastically). This way everyone pays something and you can leave when you want. No money lost if those who say they're going to be there aren't and usually you can get an extra few chairs dragged over to your table for those that show that said they weren't going to.0
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This is what I do when dealing with annoying guests/family
I usually send a msg via Facebook and let them know that there is a get together at my home and empahsize family only, no addtl guests! and give them a time limit of when it starts and ends. I would say make it end at 9:00pm. After 9 tell them" I love you guys and I am not sure where you need to be but I know its not here, see you next time".
As far as the rooms you don't want them entering. Get some locks or deadbolts.
Move all breakables from common living spaces( Kitchen, living room).
Have a spread where you have the papercups, plates and cutlery, Put a bin in the living room where everyone can see it.
As for the food keep donig your potlucks and if they make specific requests tell them I'll make it but you gotta gove me money to purchase the ingredients and don't let them say they'll pay you back, get the money on the spot(this usually shuts them up)
Bottom line if they don't respect your home then I say no more get togethers0 -
They'd act right, or they could host it at their place and see how they like it. Chnaces are they will change their attitutde!0
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You need to just be openly honest about it to the rest of your family, it's the only way to do it or else you're going to drive yourself crazy.0
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Instead of always hosting it at your house, suggest a round-robin. Every month have it at a different house, with a different family member hosting and supplying the meals, etc. It's only fair to spread it out.
THis is my suggestion... Along with going to a park or something. Even if you resolve this issues there will be more. Family tends to expect that can do whatever they want0 -
All the family reunions I went to were held at an Elks Lodge or American Legion hall. We also had potluck most of the time, but people were very good about bringing stuff.
Don't have it at your house anymore. People don't listen, even if you put locks on doors.0 -
Print this out and place it in a frame to set on the dinner table.0
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Is everyone so horribly rude, or just certain problem people? Stop inviting those and make sure they find out why. When they can behave themselves they can come back.
I am in shock...we have a group of friends over every month; I send an email announcing the protein, and people respond with what side dishes they are bringing. The adults all help (or at least offer ) -- setting tables, clearing, etc, and they usually leave at a reasonable time so they can put kids to bed. The kids have to be reminded/told/occasionally yelled at to pick up the toys they all pulled out.0 -
Personally.. I would either
A. Write it all down and address everybody about it and the next gathering.
B. Find other people who are able to host and take turns.
or C. Local park. I think this is the best option as it would resolve most of the issues and you can leave whenever you want! (and it's free)0 -
That's about when I would tell them to start hosting it their damn selves, but I'm a bit on the curmudgeonly side and don't respond well to overly demanding people.Good suggestions, all of them. I like the idea of rotating to different locations, even to a restaurant or something periodically.
We did host it at a park once. Got complaints about it being too dirty. Hahahaha!
Thanks all!
House rotation sounds like the best way to go. Not only is it easier on you, but others can see how much actually goes into planning something like that. I've thrown a number of small parties and have always made a few main dishes and provided a few options for drinks. My family and friends know that I'm vegan and that if they want meat, they have to bring it pre-cooked themselves (I don't forbid it in my home, I just won't prepare it). I'll always offer - in as nice a way as possible - that if there's anything in particular that a guest wants, to feel free to bring it with them.0 -
Thank you all for understanding! I'm hearing some great ideas. How about a big contract/waiver when they walk in the door that they have to sign or they don't get to eat?
A couple of clarifications:
This is typically family only, with the occasional non-family member tagging along with a family member.
My husband's family makes up the vast majority of the group. On my side it's just me and my parents. THAT right there should explain the dynamic and a big part of the issue. My husband does talk with his family and explain the ground rules (on multiple occasions) but people seem to forget very quickly...
Assertive... yes, certainly. In fact I've got a reputation with my in-laws for being kind of a hard-a** b****. Thus, the reason I'm trying to approach this as tactfully as possible. I don't want to alienate them, so I'm not gonna just tell them all off. That's not an option.
Love the suggestion about "we've spent $XX to feed you, so don't bail".
Thanks again!0 -
i agree with everyone here. I'm pretty relaxed about all those things you posted when i have company (i used to be uptight about it, but i had to relax or go nuts!), but as i went down the list and realized you must be hosting each and everytime, i immediately thought "you need to not do that". And honestly, if people will make comments about going cheap, or whatever, then to each their own, but how rude!
Maybe, if you are the only one that can host, you should do it on a quarterly basis, so at least you won't have the misery every single month. If you have to do the planning or it won't happen, have everyone meet at a restaurant one month (either contribute set amount each or pay their own tab), a park potluck the next month, bowling the next month etc.
If you keep it at your house, if you haven't already, i would post big signs (make 'em pretty) and put them in the key areas where things aren't going right . For instance post on the bedroom "Please respect our privacy and do not enter without permission", put a big "Trash" sign over the trash, etc.. You can designate one "open" room for coats and unexpected phone calls/diaper changes, etc. and mark it well so people know that is an okay place to be if they need privacy. Also, if you have any adolescents/responsible teens, delegate them to walk around every 30 minutes and pick up trash and things to help you out, it might be worth $10 to you if you feel bad for asking them.
Sometimes we aren't super clear about communicating some of these things because to us they are common courtesy. Unfortunately to others, they may not be. I think making some really pretty signs nice and big and putting them on the doors and over the key areas where you want certain action, might help a lot of people who really don't know that they are being rude by doing otherwise! Good luck!0 -
Instead of always hosting it at your house, suggest a round-robin. Every month have it at a different house, with a different family member hosting and supplying the meals, etc. It's only fair to spread it out.
This makes the most sense!0 -
From your post, you can clearly tell that this event bothers you... no matter how much you "enjoy" it. My suggestion would be to relocate the event to another house because all of what you described comes with hosting events.
It's really difficult to "see people on your terms" when you invite them into your house. Yes, people should be respectful of your house, your rules... but we all know that very rarely happens.0 -
i had to reread...the kid problem sounds outta control...i almost wonder if a nice letter would help or hurt....a lot of people feel that "people are gonna get sick anyway it's flu season" and bring their sickness around, which drives me nuts. They need to be told they are risking someone's health! And the no RSVP, also drives me crazy. It almost feels like you guys need some "get together" rules no matter who's hosting....and then you could include something like "If you RSVP and don't show, or if you bring an unknown guest, you will be responsible for X dollars to cover that cost" type of thing. Again, if it's written nicely, and maybe not presented as "your rules" but rather "guidelines for successful family get togethers" It MIGHT be taken okay....you know your family, so you are probably the best judge of whether or not it would be a good approach. I really do wish you luck LOL!0
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I can see why most of what you said is a problem. However you complained about people RSVPing then not showing up... and a bit later you complained about people bringing sick kids. Kids don't get sick on a schedule and if the parents know you'll be upset that they didn't come after saying they would, then they really don't have much option but to bring the sick child. You can't usually leave sick kids with babysitters. If it was me I would stay at home with the sick child (because sick kids need to be at home with a parent looking after them, as well as the reasons you said like not spreading germs to other people), but then I'd be not coming after I'd RSVPd to say that I would...
I like the suggestions by others to get other people to host the gatherings in their house and everyone take turns, or simply to all meet up somewhere else, like a picnic in the park or even all going to a restaurant somewhere. It doesn't have to be an expensive one, though it should be a family friendly one so they have stuff for the kids, and just book x number of seats in advance and figure out beforehand how the bill's going to be paid (e.g. whether everyone chips in). Then you can all go home, no clearing up, everyone gets to eat what they want off the menu and no worries about childproofing the home.0 -
I think the solution for this family get together is to have a picnic and meet in a park. Several of your problems will be solved and you can leave when you want to. In the winter months meet at a restaurant or indoor recreation facility. Good luck. I understand about relatives.
This sounds like a great alternative!0
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