New Member-My Story

Hello All,

I'm new to the forums, and thought I'd introduce myself and that perhaps writing about my situation may galvanize me to make the changes I know are necessary, forgive the long post;

About 14 months ago, in June of 2011, I got a sore throat, went to the doctor and was prescribed antibiotics, and from that debveloped a case of oral Thrush. The Thrush was difficult to get rid of and exacerbated my sore throat, and to rid myself of it I made some dietary changes including limiting or eliminating as much as possible my intake of sugars, simple carbs, and alcohol. In addition to rididing me of the thrush, this also had (as you might expect) a profound impact on my body and mindset. After few weeks of following said restrictions I began to consistently lose weight, and I found myself facing some realities I had been avoiding.

At 39 years old (now 40) I had gained a signifigant amount of weight in the preceding few years. Growing up I was always very active, involved in sports, and fairly fit. I graduated high school at about 180lbs (I'm 6'1"). In my twenties I began working out with weights, and maintained a weight of about 200-210 lbs for years. In my thirties I did not work out as regularly, but I stayed fairly active, and my physical condition was buttressed by my work as a Telecommunications Technician. Carrying boxes of cable up and down stairs, working on construction sites, climbing ladders, and pulling cable kept me somewhat toned-although perhaps a bit stocky.

At 36 years old I was promoted to Management, and my physical labor was replaced by a completely sedentary routine. This combined with my penchant for Pizza, take-out lunches and sweets led to gaining a couple- I'd say 2 to 3-lbs a month. Fast forward to 2011 and by the time I had the Thrush incident I was now at 267 lbs, and with smaller arms, shoulders, neck and back, and a bigger belly than ever before.

So, after losing a bit of weight by modifying my diet to overcome the Thrush, I decided to make my dietary change permanent and to take them further. From June 2011 through April 2012 I lost 79 lbs, achieving 188lbs in mid-April, my lowest weight in 20 years. I felt great, I started buying tighter fitting clothes, going to the beach, and took pride in my new found fitness. People took notice, co-workers asked me how I did it, women were checking me out, and I was feeling great. I then fulfilled a yearning I'd had for several years by buying a stand up paddleboard and starting doing that regularly.

Then something happened which I'm still struggling to understand. I don't know if it was the increased physical activity, job stress, or what, but I started to cave in to the cravings I had overcome for the last year. I started eating Pizza and other fast foods, didn't stop eating when I was no longer hungry and kept going until I was full (stuffed), and began eating late at night, all things I had eliminated for an entire year. I also stopped paddleboarding. It took a few weeks for this to start to show, and then an avalanche came. I quickly gained pound upon pound, my waist size grew, and I dug into my closet for clothes I hadn't worn for months.

Within the last few weeks I finally began to snap out of it, and after feeling grief, frustration, and stress I have attempted to go back to my healthier ways. By the time I was able to overcome this lapse I had gained roughly 45 lbs, weighing in at about 234. For the last couple of weeks have tried to eat healthier, lessen my portions, and resume my physical activity, and it has been so hard. I am ashamed, saddened and frustrated by my own behavior, and in spite of that it's still so difficult to maintain healthy behavior. I kick myself every day for sabotaging a whole year of hard work with two months of laziness and gluttony.

You'd think the fact that I know what is achievable would make it easier to get back on track, but it has only served to depress me all the more, and after a couple of weeks of effort, I am now at-as of this morning-229lbs, which at this point feels as bad to me as 267 did over a year ago. I am so frustrated! I'm trying to stay the course, but it just seems so much harder now than it did for all those months last year, and I don't really know why. Even the hope I felt ten minutes ago when starting to write this down has dulled to an ache over my loss of self-esteem. I just know I can't go on feeling this way about myself after the brief glimmer of self confidence I felt so recently.

Thanks for listening,
Brooks