Need advice? ruining my spirit!

Krystal7786
Krystal7786 Posts: 103 Member
in Motivation and Support
My bf and i have been dating since march 2010. we have been going really slow no i love you or anything. but hes not a speaking feelings type person. The last 6 months we were seeing each other all the time and getting serious. Hes never been in that type of relationship. then two thursdays ago he said he didnt think we cld last long term because our families are different and we wld talk face to face when he got back from his vacation. last night he got back we talked turns out he was scared. Although he wants to make more friends and hang out with more people especially these two women and get to know what type of people they are? shld i be scared? nervous? last night he also said he loved me for the first time :) i dont know what to think or do. both of these women know we r dating. IDEAS?
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Replies

  • TayPat24
    TayPat24 Posts: 131
    I wouldn't be nervous about him hanging out with girls, some people find it easier to hang out with people of the opposite sex. I get along with guys more then girls, and have ever since I was really young. As for your families being different I can relate to that, his family hates me because I'm not Italian and they kept telling him to break up with me. We have been dating since May 2010 and have been living together since August 2011. I may only be 19 but when his family told him to pick either me or then and he chose me, I think that meant something. Good luck and don't stress about it if he loves you (which he said he did) I think he means it.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,454 Member
    You've been dating for over two years, and he only says "I love you" at the same time he wants to get to know other women? Um. No.

    First, it seems a bit odd that the two of you haven't defined your relationship before now.

    Second - if he wants to see other women, don't let your emotions be tied to him. See other guys.
  • ahedrick99
    ahedrick99 Posts: 68 Member
    I would be nervous as well and I agree with the person that posted before me you should check out your options! Good luck no matter what you choose!
  • NWCountryGal
    NWCountryGal Posts: 1,992 Member
    Focus on yourself and the things you like or love to do. The more you do to love yourself the less insecure or fearful you will be. It is also very attractive to others. Make having people(including men or a man)in your life a "want" not a "need".

    denise

    My bf and i have been dating since march 2010. we have been going really slow no i love you or anything. but hes not a speaking feelings type person. The last 6 months we were seeing each other all the time and getting serious. Hes never been in that type of relationship. then two thursdays ago he said he didnt think we cld last long term because our families are different and we wld talk face to face when he got back from his vacation. last night he got back we talked turns out he was scared. Although he wants to make more friends and hang out with more people especially these two women and get to know what type of people they are? shld i be scared? nervous? last night he also said he loved me for the first time :) i dont know what to think or do. both of these women know we r dating. IDEAS?
  • tiffanyvc
    tiffanyvc Posts: 99
    I'm with Riverside, here.... if I'd been "dating" someone for over two years and not really defined it and not said I love you, I would be questioning it. Maybe he's not for you, honestly.

    And believe me, families can make or break a relationship. Your situation may be different than others, but if you two get more serious and move into marriage, you're also marrying his family, and he's marrying yours. You will have those families for the rest of your life.

    And about him seeing other girls....that's a red flag. If he's so "in love" with you, why does he feel the need to see what else is out there?

    You deserve the VERY BEST person, and I believe there is a someone out there that fits that description for EVERYONE.

    Don't settle for someone just because you think he might be the only one. You'll KNOW when you find the right one.
  • darlilama
    darlilama Posts: 794 Member
    Ditto with other posters. If he can't figure out and then tell someone that he loves them before two years…chances are he really doesn't. Sounds to me like you two have probably been "cruising" in a relationship that may be more habit than true relationship. I think it sounds like he's ready to move on and most likely you are too, you just don't see it yet. Whichever way it goes, I wish you the best of luck!
  • JenniBaby85
    JenniBaby85 Posts: 855 Member
    You've been dating for over two years, and he only says "I love you" at the same time he wants to get to know other women? Um. No.

    First, it seems a bit odd that the two of you haven't defined your relationship before now.

    Second - if he wants to see other women, don't let your emotions be tied to him. See other guys.

    I am prone to agree. My hubby and I have been married for almost 8 years, and I don't "hang out" or try to get to know guys alone. And he does not "hang out" or try to get to know girls alone. Seems a bit odd. If he sees fit to get to know other women, then there should be no issue with you getting to know other guys :p
  • hkevans724
    hkevans724 Posts: 241 Member
    You've been dating for over two years, and he only says "I love you" at the same time he wants to get to know other women? Um. No.

    First, it seems a bit odd that the two of you haven't defined your relationship before now.

    Second - if he wants to see other women, don't let your emotions be tied to him. See other guys.

    I think I am going to to agree here. If he gets to see other people then so do you. It's taken two years to decide that he loves you? Sounds to me like it's not fear it's just keeping his options open.
  • AJ_Pete
    AJ_Pete Posts: 863 Member
    Honestly, it sounds to me like he wants to see other people but said 'I love you' only to keep you on a leash, just in case.

    There's nothing wrong with being friends with the opposite sex, at all. However... he was acting funny, said he wants to get to know these other girls and I love you (FOR THE FIRST TIME) all in the same convo. Smells fishy to me, but that's just me and I don't know your situation fully.

    Good luck.
  • mama78loosinWeight
    mama78loosinWeight Posts: 130 Member
    You've been dating for over two years, and he only says "I love you" at the same time he wants to get to know other women? Um. No.

    First, it seems a bit odd that the two of you haven't defined your relationship before now.

    Second - if he wants to see other women, don't let your emotions be tied to him. See other guys.
    ^^^^ Afraid I agree with all points above. It is never good when someone "needs to talk" after they get back from vacation and it's about seeing other women. Sounds like he's already done some perusing. Don't be a sucker just because he threw an "I love you" your way.
  • kuzurichan
    kuzurichan Posts: 134
    You've been dating for over two years, and he only says "I love you" at the same time he wants to get to know other women? Um. No.

    This.
    And ask him just what he's looking for in a relationship, and if he intends to take the two of you seriously. If you're not okay with him seeing other women, tell him he has to make a choice. That you won't accept him fooling around with other girls when YOU are supposed to be his girlfriend. He's just hoping he can do what he wants, and still have you on the side.

    Any guy who hasn't said "I love you" after two years (or only does so because he wants something), and wants to see other women, is not boyfriend material, and definitely not worth your time.

    I'm so sorry though... this makes me so mad. Nobody should put anyone - let alone someone they supposedly love - through something like this...
  • EmilyBoots
    EmilyBoots Posts: 15 Member
    Don't waste your youth on a guy who doesn't make your heart sing. It is nowhere near as difficult to find somebody who makes you ecstatically happy as you think it is - just get out there and find somebody new. I spent five years (in my mid-twenties) in a relationship that was terrible for me. I wasn't unhappy - that's what made it tricky. I just wasn't *HAPPY*. I wasn't abused or neglected or miserable, and those relationships are the hardest to leave.
    I had the time of my life dating everybody who came along - bad dates, great dates, weird or awkward ones - after a while, you stop asking "will this guy like me enough?" and start asking "hey! what makes you worth my attention?" Three years after that breakup, I'm married to my prince charming. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.

    You will never regret leaving a relationship that doesn't thrill you. Give it a try :)
  • hkevans724
    hkevans724 Posts: 241 Member
    Also, my family and my husbands family are complete opposites and we are doing great... your families have nothing to do with your long term relationship. My dad has only met his dad one time and that was last year on my birthday. there is no reason why you can't be with someone whose family is different than yours
  • KrysGettinFit
    KrysGettinFit Posts: 131 Member
    Hmm. It sounds like he's just trying to keep you around. You have dated for two years, yet he just now said he loves you?and wouldn't define a relationship with you? My husband doesn't express his feelings verbally often, but he often tells me he loves me. Also, I'd say that if he wants to get to know these other two women right after he tells you he loves you, it sounds like he's playing you. Sorry but that's just how it sounds.
  • Raynne413
    Raynne413 Posts: 1,527 Member
    I agree with the other posters. He's just trying to keep you in the background in case it doesn't work out with the other new girls he wants to "get to know". What he means is he wants to date them. If he was just interested in being friends with them, why would he have to end things with you?

    I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend, he said he loved me after six months, and we've now been together for five years. I DO still hang out with other males, but they are guys I was friends with BEFORE I met and started dating my boyfriend.
  • aqm22
    aqm22 Posts: 153 Member
    Sounds sketchy. Sounds like he's stringing you along. He's checking out his options and wants you as a reserve. Sounds harsh, but that's what it seems like to me. A lot of my guy friends tell me that guys dont always mean when they say "I love you" especially if he's talking about other girls.
  • azalais7
    azalais7 Posts: 187 Member
    Honestly, it sounds to me like he wants to see other people but said 'I love you' only to keep you on a leash, just in case.

    There's nothing wrong with being friends with the opposite sex, at all. However... he was acting funny, said he wants to get to know these other girls and I love you (FOR THE FIRST TIME) all in the same convo. Smells fishy to me, but that's just me and I don't know your situation fully.

    Good luck.

    ^^Yep.

    Everyone is different, so I won't make generalizations, but FOR ME, I would be uncomfortable in a relationship which didn't include free and frank verbal sharing of feelings for one another. That your BF is suddenly proclaiming his love for you now in the midst of seeking companionship from other women is a red flag. I have no problem with my OH having female friends, and he's not bothered by my male friends, but we also have a strong relationship based on trust and communication. In your case, these things happening at the same time doesn't sound good to me.
  • Krystal7786
    Krystal7786 Posts: 103 Member
    he wants more friends, hes not going o fool around with anyone. I haven't said i love you either we were taking it slow because of my previous relationship I have never felt this way about anyone. i know he cares now and he said "we will see where this goes it hink we can both try" im just nervous abt another girl stealing him
  • susjan
    susjan Posts: 105
    My first thought after reading this was... two years 'dating' and the only "I love you" was after he said he wanted to get to know other people (ie girls) and it seems that most of the others who have responded were thinking the same thing. From an outside observer, I would say this isn't ideal...
  • menletti
    menletti Posts: 96 Member
    I don't make time for anyone who doesn't have time for me. Sounds to me like he wants to make sure you stick around just in case these other gals don't work out. That being said, I don't have a great track record with relationships.
  • RiyaO
    RiyaO Posts: 19
    Sorry about the situation- I've faced something similar in the past with a guy I was "Dating" for a year and a half. He said all the things I wanted to hear but also said he wasn't ready for anything serious- I went along with it, and one night got left standing behind while he went home with another girl. Save yourself lots of heartache and realize that if he can't absolutely tell you "yes I want to be with you"- it's a no. Chin Up.
  • debussyschild
    debussyschild Posts: 804 Member
    You seem young (good thing!) and you're very pretty. If this guy isn't sure after 2 years of dating that he wants to be with you, odds are, you could give him 2 more years of your life and he'd still feel the same way. Let him go his way and you go yours. If I hadn't left the man I THOUGHT was for me when I did, I would never have met the man I now call my husband. Believe it or not, walking away will give you a better idea if he was even right for you from the beginning. Also, I agree with what someone else said about loving yourself first. Took me a while to understand this. I understood it a LOT better after I left my first love. Started living for and finding myself. Best decision I ever made. Did I mention that also led me to my husband????
  • Krystal7786
    Krystal7786 Posts: 103 Member
    Ive never felt this way, i think i am in love he makes me the happiest ive ever been. Truely when he was gone this past week at his parents i didnt know whether to cry or be mad , i stopped eating and f=drinking it was hard. never been in love so idk!
    Don't waste your youth on a guy who doesn't make your heart sing. It is nowhere near as difficult to find somebody who makes you ecstatically happy as you think it is - just get out there and find somebody new. I spent five years (in my mid-twenties) in a relationship that was terrible for me. I wasn't unhappy - that's what made it tricky. I just wasn't *HAPPY*. I wasn't abused or neglected or miserable, and those relationships are the hardest to leave.
    I had the time of my life dating everybody who came along - bad dates, great dates, weird or awkward ones - after a while, you stop asking "will this guy like me enough?" and start asking "hey! what makes you worth my attention?" Three years after that breakup, I'm married to my prince charming. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.

    You will never regret leaving a relationship that doesn't thrill you. Give it a try :)
  • sevsmom
    sevsmom Posts: 1,172 Member
    He may be from the same school of thought as my ex-husband. He told me we just wanted to be friends with this girl at work. . . .yeah. We see how that ended.

    But in this situation, the "I love you" sounds more like emotional manipulation. If he wants to spread his wings, then he needs to man up and say so. You don't need to hang around and wait for him to make up his mind.

    A woman should be CHERISHED by the man who claims to love her. Not criticized for a family of origin and NOT made to feel insecure due to anyone let alone other girls.

    My vote is to let him go and to move on to bigger and better things!
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,454 Member
    he wants more friends, hes not going o fool around with anyone. I haven't said i love you either we were taking it slow because of my previous relationship I have never felt this way about anyone. i know he cares now and he said "we will see where this goes it hink we can both try" im just nervous abt another girl stealing him

    Another girl won't "steal him" - he will make the decision.

    She gets a real prize when she gets a cheater.

    /sarcasm
  • KeriW626
    KeriW626 Posts: 430
    Ok, I agree with, if you have dated for 2 yrs and not defined your relationship, then he probably is not your soul mate? That doesnt mean with a lot of hard work you two cant make it work.

    I am lucky enough to be with my soul mate, my 2nd marriage. I can tell you this one is sooooo much less work... Im going on 22 yrs now so?

    Good luck.
  • AJ_Pete
    AJ_Pete Posts: 863 Member
    From the sound of your responses, you've already made up your mind. Funny because the title of your post was about your spirit being ruined. You either confront him with your feelings or you lay in the bed you made because you sound like you're going to hold his ankles and drag behind him as he's walking out the door.
  • Krystal7786
    Krystal7786 Posts: 103 Member
    This made me feel better, He wld never cheat on me! i know him better then anyone! I never talk about feelings, im not a sappy chick at all but i know he cares, he knows i care. when we are together its like no one else is around, im feel like im on cloud nine.
    he wants more friends, hes not going o fool around with anyone. I haven't said i love you either we were taking it slow because of my previous relationship I have never felt this way about anyone. i know he cares now and he said "we will see where this goes it hink we can both try" im just nervous abt another girl stealing him

    Another girl won't "steal him" - he will make the decision.

    She gets a real prize when she gets a cheater.

    /sarcasm
  • Krystal7786
    Krystal7786 Posts: 103 Member
    The advice needed was if i should be nervous about the other girls not if he was worth my time. some girls can be persuasive into promising a man things to get him. My spirit is ruined worrying abt these other girls. not abt if it will last with him.
    From the sound of your responses, you've already made up your mind. Funny because the title of your post was about your spirit being ruined. You either confront him with your feelings or you lay in the bed you made because you sound like you're going to hold his ankles and drag behind him as he's walking out the door.
  • Krystal7786
    Krystal7786 Posts: 103 Member
    im the same which is why i think it will be okay for the most part. i get along better with men. i just dnt want a girl to manipulate him and end up using him for money or his generous nature.

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