bad jokes that we'll probably go to hell for

A baby seal walks into a club.

This is a naughty one....


What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?



A... c o c k ... that stays up all night.




(edited because of the stupid word filter ^^^)

I would post some but I have already been warned by the mods that my jokes are not welcome =(

Blonde wakes up under a cow and says, "Oh not you four guys again."

(found this on on Tumblr)

Why did Sara fall off the swing? She had no arms.

Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
Not Sara.

This is definitely a "go to hell for" joke:

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
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Getting her back into her wheelchair.

I'm Sorry!!

Heaven was getting crowded so they formed a new policy that you had to have a really crummy day to get in.

The first guy to enter heaven after the policy says the following:
"I get home early from work one day at my third-floor apartment and hear some rustling in the bed. I bust through the door, my wife is half naked in the living room, but I can't find her lover. So I go to the balcony and see this guy hanging off it by his fingertips. I step on his fingers and he falls, but a bush breaks the fall. So I looked for the first thing I could find, which was a refrigerator, and I throw that down at him and he dies. But then I have a heart attack."

Second guy enters and says: "I was doing some repair work on the fourth floor but I slip and fall to the third. I'm literally hanging by my fingertips off the balcony, and some *kitten* comes out, steps on my fingers, then throws a refrigerator on my head."

Third guy enters heaven, it's Bill Clinton. St. Peter says, "Well you know the policy, how did you die?"

Clinton says, "Okay, get this--I'm naked inside this chick's refrigerator..."

Heaven was getting crowded so they formed a new policy that you had to have a really crummy day to get in.

The first guy to enter heaven after the policy says the following:
"I get home early from work one day at my third-floor apartment and hear some rustling in the bed. I bust through the door, my wife is half naked in the living room, but I can't find her lover. So I go to the balcony and see this guy hanging off it by his fingertips. I step on his fingers and he falls, but a bush breaks the fall. So I looked for the first thing I could find, which was a refrigerator, and I throw that down at him and he dies. But then I have a heart attack."

Second guy enters and says: "I was doing some repair work on the fourth floor but I slip and fall to the third. I'm literally hanging by my fingertips off the balcony, and some *kitten* comes out, steps on my fingers, then throws a refrigerator on my head."

Third guy enters heaven, it's Bill Clinton. St. Peter says, "Well you know the policy, how did you die?"

Clinton says, "Okay, get this--I'm naked inside this chick's refrigerator..."

GOOD ONE!

Three dogs are in a vets waiting room. The first dog asked the second dog what he’s there for. They are putting me down. Oh no, say’s the first dog, why?

The second dog say’s Well, see I’ve been chasing the postman for years & yesterday I finally caught & bit him. The first dog say’s Well my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house & I didn’t like it cause my scent wasn’t there anymore. So I marked everything I could find while my master was sleeping.

So he is putting me down too. The Third dog says well this is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her closes on, which makes me horny. So this morning as she was getting out of the shower & bent over to wipe up the water on the floor I jumped on her giving it to her!

The other dogs say so that’s why they are putting you down. No say’s the dog she brought me here to get my nails trimmed.

There are 3 construction workers. A blond guy, an Irish guy, and a Mexican guy.
While on their lunch break, the blond guy says, "God, if she makes me a bologna sandwhich again, I'm gonna throw myself off this building."
The Irish guy says, "If she makes me corned beef and cabbage again, I'm gonna throw myself off this building."
The Mexican guys says, "If she makes me tacos again, I'm gonna throw myself off this building."

The next day at lunch, the blond guy opens his lunch box and finds a bologna sandwich. He throws himself off the building and dies.
The Irish guy opens his lunch box and find corned beef and cabbage. He throws himself off the building and dies.
The Mexican guy opens up his lunch box and finds tacos. He throws himself off the building and dies.

A few days later at the funeral, the Irish wife's crying, "Oh, if only I didn't pack him corned beef and cabbage."
The Mexican wife's crying, "Oh, if only I didn't pack him tacos."
The blond wife is just standing there. The look at her and ask her why she'd not upset. She replies, "Hey, he packed his own lunch."

At Sunday school, the teacher begins to tell the children about the basics.
Little Suzie hates Sunday school and decides to sleep through it.

The teacher asks, "Suzie, who is our lord and saviour?"

Little Johnny sits behind her and pokes her with his pencil.
Little Suzie slams her hands on her desk and stands, "Jesus Christ!"

The teacher looks at her, "Very good suzie."

Not sure what happened, she goes back to sleep.

The teacher asks again. "Suzie, who is the creator of all?"

Little Johnny pokes her again.
Little Suzie slams her hands on the desk and screams, "God Dammit!"

The teacher says, "Very good."

Not sure what happened, she goes back to sleep.

The teacher asks, "Suzie, what did Eve say to Adam after their 36th child?"

Little Johnny pokes her again.

Suzie stands up, turns to face Johnny and screams, "If you poke me with that hing one more time, I'll break it in half!"

What are the naughtiest animals on the farm?




Brown chicken, brown cow.....

Thank you for posting this!! On vacation we met a couple and the wife could only remember the punch line!

What's green and smells of pork?



Kermit the frogs fingers!