6 weeks to OMG

:laugh: :laugh: Funny review from the Guardian UK:

Digested read: Six Weeks to OMG – Get Skinnier Than All Your Friends

John Crace guardian.co.uk
Sunday 1 July 2012

Thank you. Thank you so much, you the reader, for having the bravery to buy this book. It takes guts to admit you are hideously fat. Lots of it in your case, Elton! Only kidding! And it takes guts to want to do something about it.

The first thing you should know is that the medical community think you shouldn't read this book. That's because it has no scientific basis whatsoever! Still reading? Good job! It's your life. Don't let people stop you being happy. You're now well on the way to those three magic letters: O – M – G. You won't just lose fat and get toned. Oh no! Girls, your breasts will get perkier. And boys, your *kitten* will get bigger. The second thing you should know is I'm not really called Venice. It's just a name my publisher thought would increase sales as it sounds like I'm a brain-dead LA hunk. I'm actually a London gym instructor! OMG!

So how fat do you think you are? Say RIP to BMI! All you need to know is that, from where I'm writing, you look enormous. But here's the good news. Do the Wave and you will lose 10lbs of lard in six weeks. Do the Blaze and it's goodbye to 15lbs in six weeks. Do the Quake and 20lbs of blubber are history in the same period.

Let's go. But before we do, I should just mention the A and B words. And now I have mentioned anorexia and bulimia, let's forget about them. Because the first thing you are going to do is skip breakfast, do an hour of exercise – just thinking will probably be exhausting enough for some of you – and drink five double espressos. Can't you just feel all that fat being purged? Nice feeling! Now I want you to have an ice-cold bath. Stay in as long as you can manage. Those doing the Quake should aim for two hours. That way your legs will get frostbite and have to be amputated. OMG. No more cellulite dimples for you, babykins!

OK, so you're probably feeling a bit hungry now. Make yourself a whey protein shake! And try to avoid fruit. Fruit are nature's sneaky treats, because they want to make you fat! And stay clear of broccoli: just one tiny mouthful can give you more carbs than a whole litre of Coke. Are you hearing me? So if you want to get the skinny on, you know what to do! Eat nothing. OMG.

I forgot to say: you can't get the skinny on if you have a job. Because jobs are so not OMG. No one in Santa Monica has one! Got to face it. Being as ripped as me is a full-time job. So now you've wandered round the kitchen for lunch not eating anything, it's time to hit the gym. Don't think you can cut back on doing the weights if you want that OMG look. That belly of yours! I know you are thinking how unattractive you look with it hanging over the top of your pants – but I can fix that. Believe it or not, all you need to do is blow up 10 balloons and watch your tummy flatten. And if you don't have a balloon, you can always use a condom. OMG! I can't believe I wrote that! I'm so blushing!

My, what a full-on day we've had. You must be as shattered as me. But don't sit down just yet as you've got one last task ahead. Your evening shake! If you fancy spicing it up by adding some non-fattening food colouring, then I'm not going to stop you, sweethearts. And now for my favourite bit. Sleep! No one ever put on any weight while they were asleep. So down five cups of camomile tea and knock yourself out for 12 hours. Sweet dreams of OMG!

Digested read, digested Twelve Weeks to WTF: I've Ballooned to Twice the Size

apperantly the author has made a ton of money from sales.

hmmm, I am off to go ponder what I can package in to a book as a diet