Dealing with verbal/mental/emotional abuse

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GTOgirl1969
GTOgirl1969 Posts: 2,527 Member
in Motivation and Support
I was in a long-term relationship with a man and had two children with him. He started out fine, and gradually started belittling me and calling me names. At first, I shook it off, but then his words started to sink in. He'd call me fat, lazy, stupid, retarded, idiot....real confidence-zapping stuff. And when I'd stand up for myself, I got called the C word, the B word, and almost every other letter of the alphabet.

I thought having kids would make him ease up on me, but it was worse. I got called a fat, lazy b*tch when I didn't lose the baby weight fast enough, but I got called a selfish b*tch when I carved time out of the day to work out. He would passive/aggressively provoke me into a fight, and then when I (stupidly) took the bait, he'd flip out on me.

It was just words, at first....until we were driving down the road one day and he called me a horrible word in front of our girls. I don't want them to EVER think that it's OK for a man or anyone else to talk to them that way, so I told him that he had no right to call me that. He responded by punching me in the face while I was driving.

That was the incident that made me realize I couldn't spend the rest of my life being belittled and abused. I left him and started over with what I could fit into the back seat of my car (he'd threatened to throw me out on the street without a thing). I'm still dealing with the feelings and sense that I'm not quite good enough for anyone. Unfortunately, he still thinks he has a right to try to put me down and control me, and he also believes that I HAVE to deal with it because "we have kids together".

I keep telling myself, "You only have to deal with him for nine more years, and then you can cut him out of your life forever". I dealt with one of his outbursts this morning when I asked him to keep the girls for an extra two hours so I could get a workout in...he started with the "selfish b*tch" thing again and the tirade only ended when I shut the door in his face.

Sorry to burden you all with this, but I'm feeling really demotivated and that I'm doing all this for nothing. :(

Replies

  • TheArmadillo
    TheArmadillo Posts: 299 Member
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    I think it makes it more difficult when you can't cut them out completely, at least for now.

    I have cut off my family completely. And my self esteem and confidence has shot up now I not constantly being put down and belittled and all the other crap.

    However I still have days (like a really bad day today, well several days) where everything goes to ****. The better I do the worse I feel.

    But if you were a friend of yours what would you say to them, what would you think about them? His behaviour and his words are only a reflection of him, they don't say anything about you. Just because he said them doesn't make them true. In fact him saying them make them unlikely to be true.
  • lynnprice
    lynnprice Posts: 101 Member
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    I applaud the example that you set for your girls by leaving the slime ball.:drinker:
  • AddieOverhaul
    AddieOverhaul Posts: 734 Member
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    I too was in a relationship that was emotionally and verbally abusive, and towards the end started to get physical. It is hard to leave and start over so kudos to you for doing that, and for setting a good example for your daughters. Just make sure he isn't treating them that way, if he is, get them the hell away from him. I am so grateful that I didn't have kids with my ex, I haven't seen him since the day I moved out and 1.5 years later I am confidant and happy. Best of luck.
  • dlrcpa
    dlrcpa Posts: 114 Member
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    I am sorry you have to go through this. I will just say that the time and effort you invest in yourself, you health, your self-esteem, you education, is something that nobody can take away from you. Clothes, jewelry, houses, cars, can all be lost in an instant. Nobody can take away your investment in yourself. Hope that helps.
  • WickedPixie1
    WickedPixie1 Posts: 111 Member
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    Any man that wails on a woman like that is nothing more than an insecure little wussy (being polite here). Would he have had the kahunas to do that to another man or talk like that to another man?

    Seriously, you are AWESOME for getting out!
    However, you did mention you had girls, and '9 more years' comment makes me guess that they're only a few years away from puberty...does he treat them like that? If so, I'd refuse to let him see them. They don't need that kind of impact on their emotional growth and development. We females are bad enough with our own self image in a positive environment, adding a douche like that to the mix means serious therapy down the road.

    You are the strong one, you got out, you refuse to listen to his tirades and you refuse to take his abuse. You are making a new life from very little.
    He's the one that needs to pick fights with 'the weaker' sex in order to feel like a man, to feel dominant and in control. He's weak.
  • GTOgirl1969
    GTOgirl1969 Posts: 2,527 Member
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    Seriously, you are AWESOME for getting out!
    However, you did mention you had girls, and '9 more years' comment makes me guess that they're only a few years away from puberty...does he treat them like that? If so, I'd refuse to let him see them. They don't need that kind of impact on their emotional growth and development. We females are bad enough with our own self image in a positive environment, adding a douche like that to the mix means serious therapy down the road.

    He's OK with them (I ask them, and we're very close; I don't think they'd lie to cover his butt). He treats everyone else OK, I don't know wtf he had against me- I tried not to take it personal, but that's hard to do when it feels like someone has a vendetta against you and has a problem with EVERYTHING you do just because it's YOU doing it.
  • freew67
    freew67 Posts: 348 Member
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    Sorry to burden you all with this, but I'm feeling really demotivated and that I'm doing all this for nothing. :(

    First congrats on getting out. 2nd, you have 2 kids that Im sure look up to you. If you feel (quote above) then your girls will see this. Do you want them to think that this is just part of life? NO, you dont. Get up, dust yourself off, and realize your doing all this for YOU. Without YOU, those girls have no one to look up to. Without YOU, those girls have no one obviouslty to teach them how to treat people. Lead by example, not by words. Use that azz clown as motivation to make your life better. Show those girls that you can get knocked down, but get up a stronger person. You are worth it and and it wont happen to you believe it can happen.

    Good luck in your journey.

    http://freew67.blogspot.com/
  • RainHoward
    RainHoward Posts: 1,599 Member
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    You did the best possible thing for you and your children, you got out of the situation. Now it's just time, dedication and motivation. Do it for you, do it for your kids and do it just to piss him off.
  • rextcat
    rextcat Posts: 1,408 Member
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    You did the best possible thing for you and your children, you got out of the situation. Now it's just time, dedication and motivation. Do it for you, do it for your kids and do it just to piss him off.

    *this*

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