Dealing with grief

Gerkenstein · January 2012

Anyone out there deal with grief while on this road to a healthier you? Really looking for some support and advice from others who understand first hand what this is like.

My dad died 3 months ago. What's even more awful is my sister and I found him and I tried to save him using CPR. He'd been gone for 6-8 hours so it was hopeless, but still. I find myself having a very difficult time falling asleep because I just relive it over and over again and can't shut off my brain.

I've rededicated myself to myself at the start of this year to focus on what I'm eating and working out again, but would like some first-hand advice on the sleep issue. Anyone?

garlic7girl · January 2012

First allow self to heal and grief is a process and it may take awhile but that is okay! Make sure you surround self with supportive people. If you need get a counselor in or out of church. Doesn't matter which.
As far as health, make the goal realistic for what you are going through...nothing too drastic or taxing. Like you may want to walk everyday...pace up to you. Or no take out. Just make it something you can live with for now. No sudden or drastic decisions at this point of journey. As you heal your heart and body will let you know.
My mom found my father so I do understand...it takes time. You will be in my prayers

margo36 · January 2012

I feel your pain and it will get better with time :flowerforyou: My husband died 6 yrs ago and I found walking my dog a great help. I walked for miles it allowed me time to think and it tired me out. It may not seem like it now but it will get better with time. It took me a good two years to get over my husband's death. We had been married for 35 yrs and expected to spend our old age together but it was not to be. Now I have three dogs and a new partner. Allow yourself time to grieve and be kind to yourself

nerdyandilikeit · January 2012

I find on days when I'm less active, I'm more restless when I go to bed. I sometimes relive those hours when I was by myself with my dad in the hospital and if I let myself cry it tires me out eventually. If on those restless nights I'm not reliving it while I'm awake, I'll have dreams so full of anger that I can wake up shaking. But on days where I've worn myself out an I'm extra sleepy, it's not so bad. Sometimes it just doesn't matter and you need to cry or write or get it out somehow as many times as it takes. It's hard for me to accept that I'm just not going to be ok any time soon, but talking and crying definitely help in the short term. I'm goig to start a journal soon too and see if that helps. *big hugs*

TammyLynne71 · January 2012

my dad also passed away a short time ago. We had a falling out last year and really did not talk the last several months. I have been dealing with my feelings all over the place. Guilt for not talking to him, and maybe if I was there, anger cause of the cause of his death (he was attacked by his cattle) why did he put himself in that danger, sadness, just being pissed off in general.
I'm an emotional eater so I have gained 56 pounds since he passed away. In the last week I have found that exercising really helps. Boxing helps with the anger, workouts like zumba and aerobics helps your mind go else where for awhile cause you are thinking about the movements. Like you I would also have problems with my brain shutting of at night about my dad's death, exercising really helps with that too. I find that I get more of a well rested sleep

AlmstHvn · January 2012

If you've not sought out a grief counselor, I suggest that you give it a try. We found it extremely helpful when my ex, and father of my daughter, passed away. For sleep, I think the hour or two before bedtime, turn off the television. Do some walking or exercise, have a warm bath, and maybe read or meditate on something that lifts you up.

I once was working with a counselor trying to sort out "why" something had happened. He gently suggested that perhaps that wasn't the right question.... There is rarely a solution to the question of "why" and fixating on it can lead to more problems. Instead, he suggested I think about the question "What now?" Ok, this thing happened... and it felt horrible and was hurtful... acknowledge that, process that... and then start to ask.. what will I do next? Not in the grandiose-universe frame, but what one little thing will I do today to begin to heal and move forward?

One last thought - the grief counselors talked about how we don't "move on" from these events... we move through them and beyond. It will forever be a part of you and will impact how you view things from here out - but it doesn't have to define you. You will get through. The sun will shine again. Sleep will come.

Peace to you.

kmp327 · January 2012

Oh man, my heart goes out to you. I am 100% with the posters who have suggested grief counseling. Having that image replayed in your mind continuously is not healthy. What happened to you is serious business, it's one of the worst things you can go through, and dealing with it on your own has to be hard! I think you need to focus on healing your mind and your spirit before worrying about your body...otherwise you're treating the symptom instead of the sickness. I am sending happy, healing thoughts your way and wishing you lots of luck.

LuckyLeprechaun · January 2012

I was about 30 lbs into this journey when I was hit by bereavement. I'm not gonna lie, I didn't even try to log my food or anything else. It took me almost a year to get back to logging food and trying to lose weight.

Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself as much time as you may need. Seek help if and when you need it and stick with it only if you get something productive out of going. Listen to good advice, lean on those who love you, and forget the awful stupid insensitive things people sometimes say.

Best wishes for you throughout your time of bereavement...:flowerforyou:

LuckyLeprechaun · January 2012

I also struggled to fall asleep. My strategy was to try to physically exhaust myself (with exercise) so that I'd fall asleep more easily. But honestly, my sleep was disturbed for about 4-5 months, then it slowly became easier to shut off my brain and to find rest.

cmriverside · January 2012

I agree, some grief counseling would really be helpful. Maybe you and your sister could go together.

I went through several losses in a short period of time, so I know it is easy to get stuck.

What helped me was a journal (on my computer) to write all my thoughts and feelings. You are a good writer. I think it would be helpful to you to just start writing. Write until you are sick of it, or until you start finding your answers.

We all have within us the power to heal ourselves. You will get through this.

.

kcarpen3 · January 2012

I'm with everyone else on this topic. I'm a fairly private person and have difficulty in opening up to people unless I am really close with them. When my dad passed away, it was very sudden and unexpected, possibly one of the best things I did for myself and my younger sister, was getting counseling myself. It is a tragedy, but you don't want to let the loss of a loved one dictate how you live your life, my mother does this and it is detrimental to everyone she interacts with, especially relationships with family.

Don't rush yourself to get over this loss, take it one day at a time, sometimes it's difficult to just get up and moving in the morning in my case. Do what you can, just try to make good decisions, maybe see if your sister wants to go for a walk and talk about everything/life on a regular basis.

Make sure remember the good times with your dad!

JaredBergeron · August 2012

Just lost my son and dont feel like I can even start to break down with my family needing me. Getting some help soon but this thread really helps, thanks!

JenniferNoll · August 2012

What you are describing sounds like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It's something that I have dealt with as a Katrina survivor. My therapist has been wonderful, and I took some anti-anxiety medication for a short time.

Really, a therapist can help.

carlaphn · August 2012

I'm sorry for you. It took me almost 5 years after my son took his life before I was able to get back to working out and eating right. I would do good for 2 or 3 months and then quit. Counseling does help. That first step reaching out and asking fro help can be difficult but so worth it. I started a support group so that might be an option for you. Most hospitals have groups. I took me awhile before I stopped seeing my son when he was found. You need to allow yourself to grieve. I've come along way and look forward to continuing. I wish you peace.

sarahg148 · August 2012

My dad died suddenly three weeks ago. I also was with him TRYING to help the paramedics give him CPR...but he couldn't be saved. Buried him two weeks ago. Still doesn't seem real...like when he's not at the house I think he's at work or something...until it hits me again. I texted him the day before he died...and he didn't respond. He was feeling sick, came home from work, passed out early Friday morning and I came to the house to see him and my mother...just to say hi. That's the last time I saw him...but he was passed out and then stopped breathing when the paramedics came. Very sudden and very surreal. But at least he didn't suffer and it was quick. I think that's why it's still not real. I'm a bit numb to it, actually. You are not alone...and it just plain sucks. I know it's going to hit me...just don't know when. I'm trying to just get to my routine and stay busy...which includes being with friends, playing tennis with friends, working out, going out to eat, etc etc. I also gained probably about 5-7 lbs over last three weeks...but have gotten it under control again. Taking it day to day and really trying to just eat my 1850 cal/day and then maybe my activity calories, if needed. At this point I'd be totally satisfied with losing 2lbs/month.

JaredBergeron · August 2012

I would be interested in hearing more on the support group. I am amazed just how hard it is to get an appt with an LPC in my town..

CupcakeHarpy · August 2012

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mom on jan 1st this year. I know what you mean by reliving it over and over. The first night after she passed I didn't even want to sleep. I thought I'd have nightmares and literally asked my boyfriend to hold me until I fell asleep. It is truly a devastating thing to go through. It is good that you are now taking care of yourself. It will take a while for restful sleep to come back to you. I think after the 5th or 6th month mark it started to get a little better. One day you wake up and it's not the first thing that goes through your head. Then it's not the last thing that you think about at night.

The only thing I can say in the meantime is to treat yourself well. Take the time to decide what you want to do before your time is up. Promise yourself to strive to reach those goals and make the best of your life. It is times like this that we are faced with our own mortality. Get plenty of sunlight, water, exercise, good whole foods, and time with friends and loved ones.

These things might not help you sleep, but it's worth a shot:

-Try listening to soothing music when you are trying to go to sleep and visualize a peaceful place.
-make sure the room is very dark. The body rests better at night without lights on or coming through windows.
-try eliminating caffeine. I don't get hyper on caffeine, but some people are sensitive to it
-Get your emotions out. Cry if you need to. Write it in a journal if that will help. Keeping anything bottled up inside keeps you tense and less able to be rested.
-Like others have suggested. Try a therapist if you feel that you need one.

ladytinkerbell99 · August 2012

Bumping for this helps me too.

Dealing with grief

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