Getting Started with and Overly Supportive Boyfriend

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happylb
happylb Posts: 6
in Introduce Yourself
After a year of maintaining the 45 lb weight loss I completed in the last half of 2008, I've recently renewed my focus with the goal of losing another 55 lbs. It has been a fun and difficult journey, but I feel good about it and am proud of my accomplishment.

As I get started again, one thing that will be different this time is that I have a boyfriend. He and I met last year and will probably be engaged soon and married by the end of this year. He too has lost a lot of weight (40+lbs) and is ready to lose more (20 lbs or so). He's my best friend, and I love the idea of having someone to do this with.... so I feel like a jerk for saying that he is DRIVING ME CRAZY!

He has an insight on everything I am doing from the way I'm working out to the food combinations I chose. Last night he announced that my major problem was portion control. I thought about jumping across the dining room table to strangle him, but he probably would have just thought I was trying to makeout with him. Boys!

The truth is, he isn't the control freak I'm making him out to be and he does posses a great wealth of knowledge about all of this, but so do I - don't forget, I'm the girl who lost 45 lbs. I like his help, but I don't want this much coaching. His intentions are good, and I want to do this with him since we will both be incorporating changes into the rest of our lives, but I'm having trouble establishing boundaries.

Can someone please give me advise on how to create space with your mate without sending the message that he isn't a part of this.

Replies

  • Momma2four
    Momma2four Posts: 1,534
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    When you figure that one out let me know:laugh: I have lost 40 pounds my super sweet husband has decided to join in and help me kick it into gear. He is killing me with the workouts he wants us to do 5 x aweek. I am taking 3 ibuprofen before we go just so I can stop the pain before it starts. Anyways I know I am not much help. But I just wanted to let you know there is someone who is sympathetic to your journey.:flowerforyou:
  • lazygirllosesweight
    lazygirllosesweight Posts: 190
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    Maybe it depends upon the type of relationship you have. My guy and I are very sarcastic and like to tease one another. So if I were in your shoes and he said the thing about portion control I would have responded, "Hi. remember me? The girl who has already lost 45 lbs? I think I know what I'm doing." Then smile big and plant a kiss on his cheek.

    Eventually my guy would get the point.

    Have you tried being blunt? Telling him that you appreciate his support but that you'd prefer he not offer unsolicited advice? That you'll come to him if you have any questions or need advice?
  • njwaters
    njwaters Posts: 3 Member
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    momma2four->I'm jealous, my hubby doesn't workout, but also isn't really overweight, just needs to do some weights and situps...another story. But if I had his support, even if it were making me workout that hard, I'd be smiling ear to ear! You're lucky!
  • ractayjon
    ractayjon Posts: 365
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    Cant help you with an answer - but I can say (Ive been married for 15 years and have 4 kids) that if you can figure out a way to get through this - you will be fine as a married couple! :wink:
  • rlinson
    rlinson Posts: 62 Member
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    I guess I don't understand either your post or Momma2four's reply. Why don't you ladies just tell your men in a nice way how much you appreciate their support and help, but you need to work this out in your own way as you did in the past. You have loving men who are wanting to help - there are many women who would love to have the same thing. Encourage them that when you are stuck and need some help you will definitely want their help, but this is something you need to handle for yourself. If you truly love these men, then why can you not simply tell them? It doesn't have to be a combative thing -so tell them how much you appreciate their willingness to help, but gently let them in on the fact that their enthusiasm is just a bit too strong for you.

    Another point is to maybe take some of their ideas and tweak them a bit to fit your regime. That way they will feel they are helping out and you can control how their helpfulness is applied. You could also say something like "I have never thought of <insert helpful idea here> as a way to help reach my goal. That is a good idea, but I need to think about how it will work with my strategy for losing weight. If I can find a good way to incorporate that, I will - but I may need to change it a bit to make it work for me."

    For instance, happylb, you could say "I have heard how much portion control can help with weight loss and I have tried that before, but didn't have much success. I have a good strategy now and I am comfortable with my weight loss plan, but I will keep your idea in mind when I am thinking about what to cook or eat. By the way, thanks so much for caring and giving me your ideas." See - not too hard to do.

    I guess I am saying don't avoid them by not telling them what you are feeling. Tell them they are coming on too strong and figure out if there truly is some good in their advice that you can use. I am sure they will continue to be supportive.
  • HonestOmnivore
    HonestOmnivore Posts: 1,356 Member
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    :heart: Ah young love:heart:

    I think its hard for your bf to imagine that you wouldn't want to know how you could lose weight better, and "better" is how he logically thought through his weight loss.

    My in-laws have been married for 70 years and my Father-in-law waits till we come over and wants us to help him convince his wife that his way of FILL IN THE BLANK WITH RANDOM HOUSEHOLD TASK is the BEST way and her way is not as good. We've had to listen to them both explain what they use to wash the dishes in (as in a dish tub or the ice holder from the freezer door) - we were like "or the SINK?" and how they count their steps on the tread mill (every time a foot goes down or only when your left foot goes down?) "Um as long as you track it the same way each time it's fine" and it goes on and on. Now I just tell them "Listen, your way is just as right as her way - no more right and no less right" With my husband I'll say "and this is might right way - I really don't mind if it doesn't make sense to you as long as I'm comfortable with it".

    Just tell him "I'm sure that is a great idea, but this works for me and I really want to do this my way - even if it feels wrong to you - OK?" then tell him something nice about himself to help reassure him you value his input like "and by the way, how you fixed the light in the kitchen? Brilliant!"

    Good luck!:flowerforyou:
  • Momma2four
    Momma2four Posts: 1,534
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    momma2four->I'm jealous, my hubby doesn't workout, but also isn't really overweight, just needs to do some weights and situps...another story. But if I had his support, even if it were making me workout that hard, I'd be smiling ear to ear! You're lucky!


    I actually appreciate it. He told me the other day that he decided he would take any heat from me if it meant I got healthy.
  • Momma2four
    Momma2four Posts: 1,534
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    I guess I don't understand either your post or Momma2four's reply. Why don't you ladies just tell your men in a nice way how much you appreciate their support and help, but you need to work this out in your own way as you did in the past. You have loving men who are wanting to help - there are many women who would love to have the same thing. Encourage them that when you are stuck and need some help you will definitely want their help, but this is something you need to handle for yourself. If you truly love these men, then why can you not simply tell them? It doesn't have to be a combative thing -so tell them how much you appreciate their willingness to help, but gently let them in on the fact that their enthusiasm is just a bit too strong for you.

    Another point is to maybe take some of their ideas and tweak them a bit to fit your regime. That way they will feel they are helping out and you can control how their helpfulness is applied. You could also say something like "I have never thought of <insert helpful idea here> as a way to help reach my goal. That is a good idea, but I need to think about how it will work with my strategy for losing weight. If I can find a good way to incorporate that, I will - but I may need to change it a bit to make it work for me."

    For instance, happylb, you could say "I have heard how much portion control can help with weight loss and I have tried that before, but didn't have much success. I have a good strategy now and I am comfortable with my weight loss plan, but I will keep your idea in mind when I am thinking about what to cook or eat. By the way, thanks so much for caring and giving me your ideas." See - not too hard to do.

    I guess I am saying don't avoid them by not telling them what you are feeling. Tell them they are coming on too strong and figure out if there truly is some good in their advice that you can use. I am sure they will continue to be supportive.



    My hubby and I have been together for 17 years I LOVE him so dearly. He KNOWS exactly how I feel about the workouts. I was partially teasing this young lady with some light hearted joking about the matter using my own experiences. As a matter of fact I accuse my hubby of trying to kill me. Yet I faithfully get beside him and do our workouts pumped up on ibuprofen:flowerforyou:
  • MissKim
    MissKim Posts: 2,853 Member
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    I too have a overly supportive boyfriend. He is trying to lose weight too, but he puts so much emphasis on how great things will be when we lose weight and how great I will look when I reach my goal that I feel pretty crappy about myself right now. I've told him how I feel and we're working on things, but I wish he could be happy with "us" now and then work on bettering ourselves. He wouldn't even go swimming with me this summer because of the weight. Not sure if he was ashamed of himself or me more! He's not doing it to be mean, he's just unhappy with himself. We're working on this. One day at a time.
  • Mamakatspokane
    Mamakatspokane Posts: 3,098 Member
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    When my hubby and I started dating we both almost at our goal weights (oh way back when...) and I told him nope, not working out with you...it's MY time and I need to do this myself.....however he stills likes to share his way of doing things with me...after 12 years I just smile and nod...it makes him feel important. He told me once that everytime I act all know-it-all and don't need his help he feels sort of useless...men like to be helpful. Although I must say pointing out that portion control is your problem wasn't his smartest move:laugh: It's a fine balance between boosting their ego and taking some space.
    Best of luck!:flowerforyou:
  • melanieann48111
    melanieann48111 Posts: 804
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    I can relate. I have a wonderful hubby that is waaaay over the top about this journey. He FREAKS over every little calorie and he cannot go 10 minutes without talking about weight loss and calories. He's trying to lose weight also but it just gets ANNOYING. I get to the point where I snap at him about it sometimes because it's like he has a 1 track mind. Boring. It also makes me feel terrible about myself right now. I feel like MissKim every single day. It's hard. I wish I knew what to say to help you out but I don't. I snap at my husband and tell him that I love that he's supporting me in this chapter of my life but making me feel like I'm disgusting isn't motivation. Maybe I take it the wrong way? I don't know. I just wish weight loss wasn't the topic of conversation 24/7.
  • MissKim
    MissKim Posts: 2,853 Member
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    I can relate. I have a wonderful hubby that is waaaay over the top about this journey. He FREAKS over every little calorie and he cannot go 10 minutes without talking about weight loss and calories. He's trying to lose weight also but it just gets ANNOYING. I get to the point where I snap at him about it sometimes because it's like he has a 1 track mind. Boring. It also makes me feel terrible about myself right now. I feel like MissKim every single day. It's hard. I wish I knew what to say to help you out but I don't. I snap at my husband and tell him that I love that he's supporting me in this chapter of my life but making me feel like I'm disgusting isn't motivation. Maybe I take it the wrong way? I don't know. I just wish weight loss wasn't the topic of conversation 24/7.

    same here!!!
  • melanieann48111
    melanieann48111 Posts: 804
    Options
    I can relate. I have a wonderful hubby that is waaaay over the top about this journey. He FREAKS over every little calorie and he cannot go 10 minutes without talking about weight loss and calories. He's trying to lose weight also but it just gets ANNOYING. I get to the point where I snap at him about it sometimes because it's like he has a 1 track mind. Boring. It also makes me feel terrible about myself right now. I feel like MissKim every single day. It's hard. I wish I knew what to say to help you out but I don't. I snap at my husband and tell him that I love that he's supporting me in this chapter of my life but making me feel like I'm disgusting isn't motivation. Maybe I take it the wrong way? I don't know. I just wish weight loss wasn't the topic of conversation 24/7.

    same here!!!

    It's so nice and so sad at the same time to know that I'm not alone!!!:heart:
  • JenniferH81
    JenniferH81 Posts: 285 Member
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    I wish I knew, my husband keeps bringing home chips, ice cream and pizza rolls.

    ...men.
  • Mamakatspokane
    Mamakatspokane Posts: 3,098 Member
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    I wish I knew, my husband keeps bringing home chips, ice cream and pizza rolls.

    ...men.
    Mine brought home ice cream this weekend.....2 cartons cause it was on sale!!! REALLY????
  • happylb
    happylb Posts: 6
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    You guys are awesome... As I was reading through these comments I realized this is probably more about me finding my voice in our relationship in general. I promise, I'm no pushover and am pretty vocal about my point of view. In this instance, things are more complicated. Perhaps I'm a little more insecure about losing weight than I realized. No matter what, I know it will all work out, and I'm lucky that I will have him to do this with me. I'll keep you posted.
  • rlinson
    rlinson Posts: 62 Member
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    At this point is your relationship is a good time to find your voice. He will love and respect you. Keep up the good work!!!!

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