My boyfriend isn't supportive
Replies
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If you have to sneak out to do ANYTHING, let alone exercise, that is a HUGE red flag. Your dude sounds like a control freak. And he stares at pretty women other than you? I can only imagine what his reaction would be if it were flipped around. Normally, I don't touch posts like these, because no matter what, half of MFP never fails to come up with "dump his @$$"...
But seriously, either get a new man or go without. I'm all for go without. Take care of you first, THEN find a new man.0 -
Dump his *kitten*!! Quick! ... Any woman deserves the following: love, respect, kindness & support.0
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I can repeat what you have already read from others. Having a background of knowing and working with people with control issues and other issues, you need to come to terms with what you want out of life and out of the relationship you are in.
Your goals need to be defined and stick to them. I can see that you want to make a lifestyle change! Get focused and do it for yourself, no one else. If he is not supportive then sit down with him and ask him how you can help him see what this means to you. Communicate with him what your goal is and why (usually for a longer life, a better life, a better you!) Reach out to others who need support buddies that you can go work out with together.
One thing about relationships is that you MUST always have the "you" time. It's great to be in a relationship but not be so independent on the other one for everything. Branch out, have your friends, have your time and have your workouts.
Only you can decide what is best for you, whether it is to stay in a relationship with him or move on and become a "stronger more independent you."
Good luck0 -
Explain to him how you are feeling without name calling or blaming. This way it won't start a fight but you are still expressing yourself. Try to understanding how he is feeling and put yourself in his shoes. What he fears most might be coming true, you leaving him. Affirm him so he knows you are not thinking of straying. When in doubt communicate effectively without ending in the Blame game.0
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Three different things for you to think about . . .
Is he insecure? Some people feel that they are not loveable and when they find someone they care about they worry that they'll be abandoned because they don't deserve them. So they are uncomfortable when their partner tries to look more attractive because they think they'll leave.
My husband tries to express his love for me by doing things like cooking things he knows I'll like - even when he knows I can't eat them. So like last night I was hungry and had a lot of extra calories so offered to make me some Chinese dumplings. He asked how many I wanted - and I said 3, which were in my calories for the day and I knew would be all I wanted. He made 5 - which of course I ate. He did it to be nice, but it was not helpful. He does things like that often because he is trying to be nice. But what he thinks I want and what I actually want aren't always the same thing.
Is your boyfriend doing that?
And some people are just not good at thinking about other people. He cooks what he wants. He doesn't want to change for what you want. This can often be an issue too, and cooking separate meals or taking over cooking is seen as a rejection.
You guys need to talk.0 -
my exhusband was like that. my down fall was that glass of wine which usually turned into a bottle. I was drinking way too much and the calories were horrific. He didnt realise that he was sabottaging me. It was negative love, like the parent who buys their child a candybar instead of an apple.
All I can say is talk to him about how you feel or make your own meals
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I have to agree with everyone! He is insecure, BIG time! You cant do this for any other reason but for yourself!
Try talking to him and if that dosent work, Make yourself a priority! Life is to short to be miserable! Enjoy the time you have while your on earth. If breaking up is an idea and the only thing keeping you from doing it is being alone or your gonna miss having someone, that will eventually go away while getting healthy in the meantime. Your gonna rock your new life!0 -
In a relationship both people have to be commited to what is best for the other person. You are with a jerk. If he cooks something not good for you, fix your own. If it starts a fight, don't fight with him, go somewhere he is not. If he doesn't get with the program, get rid of him. Life is too short to stay overweight because some jerk is jealous of how you may look when you are slim.0
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Don't let him or anyone else dictate your schedule. Do your thing without him. He will get over it. I wish you continued success.0
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Sounds like the easiest way for you to lose a couple of hundred pounds of unneeded weight is to change the locks and put his things out on the porch :-)
quoted for truth. I have a work colleague who went through a messy divorce late in life (60-ish?) and she mourns the fact that she wasted 30 years on this man when she could have gotten herself together and left earlier. Don't make her mistake!0 -
Seems like the most important weight you need to lose is HIM
I totally agree with this. It's hard enough for us to make the changes we have to but to do it around non supportive people make our journey that much harder. Stress does not help and will make it harder for you to lose the weight. You need "you" time and the only way to do that is to rid the unsupportive. Good luck to you girl!!! Stay stong and know in your heart that you are worth it!!
Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter0 -
My first husband constantly told me how fat I was but never supported my in loosing weight. Who does the grocery shopping? If it is you make small changes for instance buy no salted butter instead of salted butter. Buy olive oil instead of veg oil. Do some research on things you can change. Eat small portions of what he cooked and add a salad with it. Make sure you are doing this for you and not because you want him to see "hot body". Keep a journal and write about your feelings and why you want to lose weight. Everyday come up with a reason why its just for you:) Good luck and find a friend who is supportive. Tell someone what you are doing!!0
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I'm not sure how long you have been with him, but if he loved you he would be supportive of your weight loss. Don't you think if he loved you he would be trying to make things to help you and support your weight loss? I'd say truly think about your relationship and if it is a healthy one for you.
Miguel0 -
Seems like the most important weight you need to lose is HIM
Well Said! You can do it, don't let him stop you. Keep up that great attitude!0 -
The 5 minute warning is a good thing. Put your shoes, socks on and go. If he's still around when you get done, just let him know that he missed a good walk and get on with things. This isn't about him and his health; its about yours.
When he's cooking, just take small portions of what there is. Don't deprive yourself but don't eat big either. You could try adding a green salad to anything he's making in small portions or even just the bagged (gassed) salad greens and learn to ignore the hurt looks.Try using the greens as a base for his meal. You'd be surprised what works for you.0 -
Maybe he likes your shape the way it is?0
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My boyfriend seems to go out of his way to discourage me. He does most of the cooking and makes sure he makes things that he knows i shouldn't be eating. If I say I will make myself something else he gets upset. Whenever I get ready to go for a walk he tells me he wants to go with me but he is not ready to go then that we will go later but of course he is never ready to go. But yet he oogles over all the woman with the nice bodies. It makes me mad but if I argue back we would be fighting all the time. Through the week I work so at least I can do my own lunches and walk during my lunch break. I also walk to work if I can sneak out before he wakes up. It is very frustrating but I am determined to do this with or without his support.
Why do you have to sneak out to walk to work? Why would it bother him if you wish to walk to work? Your relationship sounds toxic.0 -
Hes is probably insecure and afraid that when you lose weight you're going to leave him because you will be one of the "skinny hot girls" and you will have new self esteem. Or he is a jerkwad.
This.
If you're living together and he is cooking for you, I don't think you should just go 'dump' him as others have suggested. That doesn't seem very adult.
I assume he has a good reason for his behavior, I bet he is paranoid/insecure you will lose interest in him if you become 'hotter' etc.
Have a good chat with him.
*hugs*0 -
Agree with all time to lose the boyfriend and take care of you. Once you are happy with yourself the "right" person will enter your life.
He should be 100% backing your healthy choice.....0 -
Everyone loves to jump to the extreme "Dump him" because it's not their life to screw up. People don't know your situation, how long you've been dating, what gets said, what connection or type of relationship you have, etc. Most people that go "Dump him!" wouldn't even do it themselves. So lets be realistic. 1)Talk to him and figure out if he is insecure. Just cuz a guy is insecure, doesn't mean he's a bad person or doesn't care for you. Maybe he just needs to be warmed up to this new concept and then he'll change his ways. 2)If it becomes clear that he just wants to control you and he refuses to understand or support you, THEN progress to the dumping stage. But first things first, you need to talk to him and figure out why he is acting the way he is. You're coming here because obviously you care about him enough that you want to keep him in your life. If he was just some random guy, you'd have already dropped him. Maybe he's just ignorant of what's going on. People don't always see how they themselves are behaving in situations and it takes a frank discussion to wake us up. I wish you the best.0
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It isn't like that with all men. It is true most men notice pretty women but the difference between a mature and immature man is how he deals with it. My current so goes out of his way to respect me...at one party, the poor lad was trying not to look when some young half dressed hot ladies were around him. It touched me and also helped to kick start my weight loss efforts. I want to have a hot body as a middle aged chick. No man or woman is perfect. But respect is terribly important. My SO cooks my stir fry for me even though his daughter likes to eat other things. He puts us first. I want you to start treating your current SO like a person not like an angry idol you don't want to p1$$ offto. If your relationship is that fragile, you don't. Really have 1. And there are a boatload of guys on okcupid (where i met my current honey). You won't always be alone for sure if you lose 170 lbs of excess baggage....0
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People often offer excuses and reasons why people act like this. They frequently see it as an "all or nothing" situation. As someone who tolerated a controlling, emotionally manipulative spouse for 10 years, separated for a year, and then reconciled and turned things around, I have some valuable advice:
It doesn't matter if he supports you. Would it be nice? Yes. Is it necessary? No.
Do what you need to do.
"I'm going for a walk now."
"Oh, I'll go with you. Wait until this TV show is over."
"Sorry, I need to get this done or it won't happen." Put your shoes on and go.
If he is upset afterwards or tries to start a fight, don't engage. Don't apologize. Don't make excuses for yourself. Don't feel guilty for doing what you do.
Buy your groceries and cook your own food. If he gets upset, that's his issue and not yours. If he is upset afterwards or tries to start a fight, don't engage. Don't apologize. Don't make excuses for yourself. Don't feel guilty for doing what you do.
Fitness and health (specifically yours) is not his priority. It is not your place to change his way of thinking and/or being, nor is it his place to change yours. It is about co-existing in a mostly peaceful way. His issues belong to him. Your issues belong to you, and obviously you are actively working on yours. Stay the course and stop worrying about him. (...and yes, I totally get that he will TRY to make your life miserable for doing this.)
Easy as that.
Either he will get used to your new way of being, or he will make you progressively more miserable until you decide the relationship is not for you. You may need to walk away, but I would not recommend constantly threatening to do so unless you are absolutely willing to walk away and be done.
I draw a lot more lines in the sand than I used to. My husband now understands that I WILL walk away if he makes me miserable all the time, so he has finally learned to back off and peacefully coexist.0 -
I agree! Dump him! My wasn't supportive at all and I ended up gaining so much weight. I was unhappy with that and left after 4 years! I lost 80 pounds and met my extremely supportive boyfriend a year ago.0
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Here are some questions for you to think about. How long have you been together? Is he over all kind, loving and supportive but this is just something that he is having a hard time with or is he only there for you when it's convenient for him to be. Are you his biggest priorety or is he his only real priorety? How does he react when you are upset about something from work or when somebody (other than him) hurts your feelings?
If the answer to these questions are over all positive, then sit down and have a talk. Find new recepis together. Give him a 10 minute warning that you are going on your walk or tell him that you will be walking at X time every night from now on...if he wants to join you he can but if he isn't ready then just give him a kiss and get out the door.
If the answer to my questions were making you sad to think about, then I think that you had best make plans to move out and move on with your life. Everybody should be loved and respected by their partner. The best thing that my ex ever did for me is want a devorce...after I had a chance to get over the shock and look at my life, I knew how good it was for us to be apart. Then he wanted to work it out, I said that I just couldn't do that and he ended up on anti-depressants and I ended up with a wonderful man that treats me like a partner and does everything that he can to give me the things that I need and want in life. I feel spoiled. I try to spoil him too though.0 -
My husband is the most loving and supposrtive person ever, and he does some of the things you mentioned... not to be malicious he just doesn't always think *lol*
If he cooks something I don't feel is worth the calories, I take a small portion and add a salad. I've asked him a hundred million times to make my plate half veggies, but if he doesn't feel like cooking veggies then I just add them myself. He will be hurt if I don't eat any of it (he puts a LOT of effort in to our meals!) so I just eat less.
He wants to walk with me, but he gets distracted easily, or has an internal debate about whether he has the energy or whatever. I give him a 10 minute heads up, get changed, get the dogs ready, and generally when I say "ok I'm going!" he either bails, or jumps to get changed finally.
When I started losing weight, his reaction was very much "but I love you the way you are" ... really he was worried that I was targetting to become very skinny or some othe body type that wasn't attractvie to him (mainly, that my boobs would go away). We talked about what my goals are and reasons for them and he got on board.
Flip side - a coworker recently lost like, 100lbs. She's not done losing yet. When she started, her husband's reaction to her joyful announcements of "I lost 5 lbs!" was "so you're 5 lbs closer to leaving me". She had a good long talk with him, about why she's losing the weight, her health, her happiness, how it will not impact their relationship unless he chooses to make it do so. In the end he jumped on her weight loss bandwagon and they started to do it together!
So, in conclusion, maybe he is sabotaging you, or maybe he's just clueless. Just talk to him about it!0 -
Seems like the most important weight you need to lose is HIM
Agree! I had co workers who were way over weight and got them knocked up so they would have a hard time loosing the weight. They did that because it was okay for the guy to cheat and look at other women but she wasn't allowed to look at other guys. Guys weren't allowed to look at her. I think its time to find a guy who is supportive but that's me.0 -
Some of the comments on here, are just wow . " dump him!". You hear HER story, and jump to conclusions. People perceive things differently. So first, you hear a story that was perceived by her, then you perceive that story in your own way, and after your done, you suggest a drastic solution, based on a story that you're now separated from by at least 3 degrees. Maybe it's time for you guys to take a look at your own lives first, because by your comments, it sure seems like you all have some things to work through first, before suggesting courses of actions for a person to take.
You're on a forum for people who haven't exactly made the best life choices over the years, and have gotten to a point in their lives which they are not happy with. Lets just assume that we aren't the best judges of how to fix other peoples lives...
As far as the food. No answer has been given to a great question that was asked. What is food you can't eat? He's cooking it, so I'm going to assume it's healthier then a box of cereal or cup noodles. Is he cooking too much? Don't eat it all. If you want to go for a run, go for a run! You blame him, but you are dependent on him at the same time. A relationship takes two people, but your life only takes one. Live your life to the best of your own abilities. If you have relationship issues, then look into those too. You don't need to hide or sneak off. You choose to hide or sneak off. Or even to a lesser extent, you VIEW it at sneaking off and hiding, when it can just be something normal.
Just so much judgement, over generalization, and one sided perception going on here from not only the OP but most everyone else on this thread, aside from a few notable exceptions.0 -
The fact that you are still with him and not leaving him, says to me that you are struggling with your insecurities and self asteem, or the fella dispite his insecurities isnt a bad boyfriend, its easy for everyone to say ditch him, but if you feel like you cant cope on your own then you are going to be looking for a magic bullet to cure it...there isnt one, If you dont want to leave him, then learn management techniques, make him feel awesome about himself, learn to speak to him in a manner that makes him feel like you are doing everything you do for him, his reactions are so classically insecure. sadly its is a self feeding cycle the more he tightens his grip the more he feels the resentments the more he feels insecure...break the cycle by using a bit of gentle manipulation. I assume there are positive reasons you are with this man..so pick up on the positive. Try helping him with the cooking, and therefor having more say about what goes in, dont just shut it down to I wont eat what you cook I am gonna make my own..insecureties come from not feeling good enough, so make him feel like he is the centre of the universe and he will loosen his grip.
The only thing that is untenable is if he is violent..if you sneak to avoid the unpleasant arguements thats one thing if he is violent then I am with everyone else get out.0 -
Seems like the most important weight you need to lose is HIM
^^This bears repeating. He is trying to sabatogue your efforts. Ditch him!0 -
Jamesbiz - that is an awesome reply!0
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