i feel like being confident is selfish... :S

We have identical pasts and I have had to come to terms with the same feelings. It takes time and the realization that you deserve happiness. One day, one step at a time.

Definitely

I have had the worst self esteem for years, due to being emotionally and physically abused for most of my life.
I have decided screw this, I wanna be happy. I wanna be happy with myself and why shouldn't I be, I'm the only me in the world.

But I feel like being confident is selfish... :S how do I get past this feeling?

I understand having issues with self-esteem due to years of abuse. But I'm having difficulty understanding what you mean about confidence being selfish. Could you elaborate a bit or possibly give an example?

I can understand the low self-esteem issues because of your life history; but I don't understand the leap to believing that being confident is selfish. That's a non sequitur if I've ever heard one. Please explain.

Thanks for explaining!

Maybe think of it this way. If you've flown on a plane before, they always tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first so you can then safely assist others in your party. Perhaps that seems like a silly example, but it's a good one!

If you don't take care of yourself, you really can't do anything as effectively as you'd like to. If you aren't healthy in body, mind and spirit, you're always keeping a bit of yourself back, even from the people with whom you feel the closest.

When you look at it that way, you begin to feel that taking care of yourself is a responsibility and actually aids you in helping and supporting those around you.

That is an excellent point. I would also add that those who put down or abuse others do it from a place of low self esteem. Finding ways to build your confidence and happiness is the best way to help yourself and everyone around you. It's the opposite of selfish.

This thread hits home for me. Im actually unconfident in being confident. When it comes to what I know or anything "inside"(emotions, knowledge) I am easily confident, when it comes to my body image or anything along those lines I try to be confident but it seems Im being "fake confident". I pick apart everything about my looks, I have too many freckles, my hair never looks silky enough, my teeth are never white enough, I have jello on my legs, my hips are too wide, I have rolls on my tummy, and the list goes on and on and on and on. I am not sure how anybody else feels, and NO BASHING me please, but I think God can help take away a lot of that, I just have a hard time giving it to him.....

I absolutely understand what you're saying. I've often said that I felt so selfish because I was trying to improve myself. My advice would be - BE SELFISH. You're doing this for you and, when it comes down to it, only you. In this case I'd say it is perfectly fine to be selfish and it's okay to let yourself feel like that.

Just keep growing. Selfish/self-centeredness would have to do with you not caring about anyone else, not reciprocating compliments, not paying things forward, only living and doing for yourself, not putting others first, etc. It has nothing to do with feeling good about your health and your progress. In fact the better you feel and the more confident you are, the more people you are going to draw in to what you are doing. Walk tall and be proud of who you are and what you are doing and invest in other people.

It has a lot to do with entitlement, when you are constantly pushed down it takes its toll and keeps you in "your place". Repetition in this form will cause a feeling of safety by not standing or speaking out.
I'm guessing you get that uneasy feeling every time someone compliments you and want to almost diminish your efforts as if it where nothing.
Being confident is a right, it is not selfish. Unfortunately it doesn't just pop up out of nowhere, sitting around and just going on day by day will not make you confident.
Have you ever heard the saying, "fake it till you make it". Well thats what you've got to do, take some time and write out your goals and imagine how you want to see yourself and act. And then do it, force yourself to act confidently bit by bit. At first it will feel unnatural but the more you act the way you WANT to be the more in alignment you will find yourself feeling, emotionally.

I'd suggest you read the book "7 habits of highly effective people" (dated but the old style I feel helps with the loss of morals in this day of age) as well as "psycho-cybernetics" by Bob Proctor which goes in depth into the psychology behind the way our thoughts and self-image influences the way our sub-conscious brain steers us towards certain goals, good and bad.

Hope that helps, can always msg me if wanna discuss methods

OMG. .. . me too. Guess it's more common than we know. Will be interested to see what other folks have to say.

There are a lot of good suggestions here, especially reading Pema Chodron and Cheryl Huber's book "There's Nothing Wrong With You", since it is so sadly common for people to have poor self-esteem after someone has been really unkind and abusive to them. The thing that helped me the most, since I wanted to help people and benefit others, was that I figured out I WOULD BE BETTER AT HELPING OTHERS IF I ALLOWED MYSELF TO DO WELL AND HAVE SELF-CONFIDENCE, and it worked. Sometimes we can make an effort *on behalf of others* that we might not make on our own behalf because of some confusion about 'deserving' or other mistaken understanding. Maybe something like this will work for some of the people here--I hope so, because no one ever deserves to be abused, and it is so very sad that so many are. Best wishes to all of us!

I know exactly what you mean, I have the same problem. When we grow up our parents and teachers tell us that looks don't matter, it's what is on the inside that counts, that working hard at school is more important than having the latest fashions or whatever. Even in the media, celebrities that take a lot of care over their appearance are criticised, people call them vain and stupid and a waste of space. Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Katie Price, Victoria Beckham, everyone seems to hate them. So I now find it almost impossible to take care of my appearance without feeling like a terrible person. I wear clothes until they fall apart and I still feel guilty for buying new ones to replace them. I hate myself for being ugly and trampy but I can't try to wear nice clothes or do my hair, because that's vain and selfish and would make me a bad person.

Sorry I don't have the answer to your question, I just wanted to say that I feel the same.

For me, I followed the mantra of "fake it till you make it" I used to be reasonably shy and mousey, at least around people didn't know well, but through the anonymity of the internet I was able to become more outgoing, and more my inner person, on the outside. I also think with age, I have gotten to the point in life, when I stopped caring as much whether people liked me or not, and I just decided it was time to be the me that pleased me, and fruck the rest!! And that was a huge confidence booster.

Also, more importantly I found a group of AMAZING women on another site (then we migrated here) who really boosted up my self confidence, just because there are sooo damn amazing and they are still the ones that pick me up when I have a "fugly on the floor" day...

You need to learn to wake up each morning and say to your self..."World, I am one Awesome Bish!" Or as my old profile pic used to say..."I love me...You should too!"

I you!

Meg speaks truth! Fake it until you make it but also surround yourself with confident women that will tell you how amazing you are. I can tell you that Meg and my other MFP friends and friends from the other website have done wonders for my self-esteem/confidence!

It's not selfish to feel good about yourself. I used to cower because I had such a low self-esteem but then, much like Meg, a combination of wonderful friends and age gave me the boost I needed to say to hell with negative thoughts and worrying what others think!

Don't forget, confidence is the sexiest thing a lady can wear :bigsmile:

My parents were abusive and very narcissistic. I was lucky enough to have enough anger from their treatment to where I've never been abused by my various romantic partners throughout the years, but regardless, the self-destructive perspective mom and dad instilled fed itself without continued repression from others. It's weird, I've always felt confident that I can understand/learn ANYTHING (to the point of arrogance), but the issue of whether I deserve to use my abilities to my advantage? Totally different issue. Self-confidence in my abilities has always been high, but self-esteem in actually executing my abilities and enjoying the rewards has been a difficult journey of acceptance.

The only way I've found to really get past feeling guilty for having healthy self-esteem is to realize when I emotionally start punishing myself for feeling successful and confident. It's tiresome at first to always be monitoring myself, but it falls into a healthy rhythm that requires less and less effort.

The catalyst that started the process of repairing my broken esteem was when I tried to think of how I would be, emotionally and psychologically, in 20 years if I didn't do something NOW to help myself. That scared me sufficiently to immediately start the healing process. :-)