My boyfriend isn't supportive
Replies
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Mine is... neutral, I suppose. I think he understands that dieting makes me happy, and he certainly approves of my plan to buy a corset when I reach my target weight, but he never comments on the diet itself at all. Which works fine.0
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Sounds like he wants to hold you down.
Here is a suggestion for you, and for all the ladies with this problem!
Plan a date night to spoil him!
Do special little things that he loves to reassure him that you aren't going any where! That is the real problem, they are afraid that you are going to be super hot, and you are gonna leave.. you just have to show them you aren't. Talk to him.. tell him you love him, and point out how this will benefit him. I do have a very supportive boyfriend.. so I haven't had to deal with this personally.. just a suggestion but I hope if you try it, it works 
Good Luck!!0 -
My reply is going to be a little different than most. I recently moved in with my bf of 10 years who is a chef. The reason it took me 10 years to move in is BECAUSE he is a chef! He is verbally supportive but does not understand why I want/need to lose weight and he is not interested in losing weight himself though medically it is urgent for him to do so. For us, our relationship is about much more than food. I do what I have to do for me - kindly, gently, firmly. There will always be something that stands in your way if you let it. You can't do that, you just can't. Your weight loss journey is about you. If you have other negative issues in your relationship with your bf you have to deal with them as well. But this, this is your relationship with food and you have to own it because with or without your boyfriend, there you are. And if it isn't him not being supportive it will be your friends, family, a stressful job, kids or a bad hair day. Love yourself enough to do it for yourself. Alone. Now. Good luck.0
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God luv ya -- it's so hard to want to do something for yourself and have a saboteur. This happened to me a while back -- and I learned that actions speak louder. This was no huge breakthrough -- just one day, I thought "why am I letting others decide what I'm going to do?" So that day, I fixed my own dinner and didn't eat what he prepared I didn't have the butter popcorn at the theatre that he kept shoving it at me, didn't get "just a little sundae" at Braum's when he stopped there...knowing full well how hard I was working. Exercise wasn't an issue then because the outdoors is generally what I go through to get to my car. But unless you live in a high-crime area, maybe you should just say you're going for the walk with or without him. And then go. After a while, he came to respect what I was doing, and I came to respect that just because I'm on a diet, the whole house doesn't need to accommodate me, either.
That said, if you ARE afraid to confront him on these issues, you may have something else going on that bears a closer look.
Good luck to you!0 -
Huney... Thats not a good relationship and you are eventually going to breakdown and fall of the weightloss wagon.. My advice would be to get out. Your health is sooo much more important then being with someone that is unsupportive. Please do what you need to do to make things right for YOU! ! ! ! ! Do you have to hide this website from him too??0
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Seriously people. Lets just get rid of every single "gotta, need to, must, should, and any similar words" and we can have an actual responsible conversation here.0
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Seriously people. Lets just get rid of every single "gotta, need to, must, should, and any similar words" and we can have an actual responsible conversation here.
Wow, says the 27 year old male who also claimed I got here by not making good life choices. HA.
The chick is 49 and just divorced after a 20 year marriage. I think getting rid of a controlling azzhole is exactly what she gotta, must and needs to do.
I have been there and done that in my 44 years on this earth. A man that actually gets mad when she tries to make her own choices is not someone that she NEEDS to be in a relationship with. He needs a gimp.0 -
Hi first of all I am sorry that he is not been supportive. Next thought is TALK to him, tell him how you are feeling. If he doesnt listen he is not worth all the pain you seem to be in at the moment. Life is too short, your weight loss is about you, its your life, even though your in a relationship, YOU need to take control, sneaking out to exercise is not right. At the end of the day your weight loss is all down to you and not your boyfriend hope it works out xx0
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Similar deal--my eating the meals hubby prepared was somehow linked to his self esteem. So I was eating huge, calorie laden meals after 7pm and going to bed by 8. He has Crohn's Disease, so he needs many calories and often. It wasn't until he went away on a 3 week trip that I was able to get my good habits started. When he came home, I already had lost some weight and had some good momentum going. It took him a while, but he started liking what he was seeing with the results. That, and me standing firm that, no, I was not going to eat that, I'll have peanut butter and celery instead, has led him to start keeping dinners at or under 400 calories most of the time. Once I discovered the affect sodium was having on my progress and told him, he came around about that as well.
He does a lot of sitting and watching movies, but has gotten used to me leaving for 20-60 minutes after dinner to take the dog for a 2 mile walk, hit the pool, or hit the fitness center bike. Afterwards, I make sure we do something together so he doesn't feel abandoned. If it's a movie or tTV show, many times I'll do yoga poses or calisthenics for stretches of time during the movie so I still get my good movement in for the day.
Yes, I agree with the other posters that much of it is his own insecurity. Hubs actually said to me recently, "Just don't leave me after you've lost all the weight." Boys are really much more delicate flowers than girls are (sorry, dudes), and need to be babied a little from time to time and assured that the one who loves them will always love them.
Now, if you have the fortitude to do good things for yourself despite the whining, and you make progress and become happier in your own skin and healthier to boot, and he doesn't come around... then maybe losing him is the best choice to make. (It was much easier to lose the 235# of ex-husband than it was to lose 35 of the 75 that I put on during the time I lived with him.)
Exhale................... Find a quiet place to be alone to think and breathe for about 20 minutes, and I'm sure you will find the choice that is right for you. Good luck!0 -
Seriously people. Lets just get rid of every single "gotta, need to, must, should, and any similar words" and we can have an actual responsible conversation here.
Wow, says the 27 year old male who also claimed I got here by not making good life choices. HA.
The chick is 49 and just divorced after a 20 year marriage. I think getting rid of a controlling azzhole is exactly what she gotta, must and needs to do.
I have been there and done that in my 44 years on this earth. A man that actually gets mad when she tries to make her own choices is not someone that she NEEDS to be in a relationship with. He needs a gimp.
Amen Lesa!0 -
I am SO not a "dump his *kitten*!" kind of person. But just to get this straight.... you have to sneak out of the house to walk to work and he's demanding control over what you eat for dinner? Unless you are exaggerating or not telling the whole story, I'm going to have to join the chorus of dump his *kitten*. Have a conversation with him first, give it a few weeks to see if it changes, but if not, you know where the door is.
You are not married to this man. People take dating relationships too seriously these days. He's just a boyfriend. You're just a girlfriend. If you're not getting what you want out of this relationship, if he's not husband material, end it and move on. You'll both be just fine. Don't let anyone feel guilty. You don't owe this relationship anything more than you want to give it, nor does he (maybe he wants a big woman... his right).0 -
OP, your boyfriend is holding you down, holding you back. In my mind, it doesn't matter WHY he's doing this, just that he IS doing it. You have to decide what you want more, freedom and change or familiarity and oppression?? It's your choice.0
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Not too be mean, but, and??? What is the question, problem, advice needed. You told us a story, now what?0
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Time to learn about you.
It's not about what he wants, it's your body.0 -
Why are you asking other people? Especially complete strangers? The only person that knows what you are willing to put up with is you. And that's the simple answer. Just what are you willing to put up with? You know what your options are and you know what you're willing to do. If you want to make the relationship work in the long run, you will do what you need to do. If you want to be miserable in the relationship you will continue as you are and post gripes on internet forums while doing nothing else. Or you will leave him. Only you can make those choices.
You could always take the drastic approach and sit him down and ask him WTF his issue is.0 -
People often offer excuses and reasons why people act like this. They frequently see it as an "all or nothing" situation. As someone who tolerated a controlling, emotionally manipulative spouse for 10 years, separated for a year, and then reconciled and turned things around, I have some valuable advice:
It doesn't matter if he supports you. Would it be nice? Yes. Is it necessary? No.
Do what you need to do.
"I'm going for a walk now."
"Oh, I'll go with you. Wait until this TV show is over."
"Sorry, I need to get this done or it won't happen." Put your shoes on and go.
If he is upset afterwards or tries to start a fight, don't engage. Don't apologize. Don't make excuses for yourself. Don't feel guilty for doing what you do.
Buy your groceries and cook your own food. If he gets upset, that's his issue and not yours. If he is upset afterwards or tries to start a fight, don't engage. Don't apologize. Don't make excuses for yourself. Don't feel guilty for doing what you do.
Fitness and health (specifically yours) is not his priority. It is not your place to change his way of thinking and/or being, nor is it his place to change yours. It is about co-existing in a mostly peaceful way. His issues belong to him. Your issues belong to you, and obviously you are actively working on yours. Stay the course and stop worrying about him. (...and yes, I totally get that he will TRY to make your life miserable for doing this.)
Easy as that.
Either he will get used to your new way of being, or he will make you progressively more miserable until you decide the relationship is not for you. You may need to walk away, but I would not recommend constantly threatening to do so unless you are absolutely willing to walk away and be done.
I draw a lot more lines in the sand than I used to. My husband now understands that I WILL walk away if he makes me miserable all the time, so he has finally learned to back off and peacefully coexist.
I you. 0 -
Sounds controlling and/or a bit insecure of him. Maybe he thinks if you look good you will leave him?0
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he seems like a total waste of time. sorry but it's true. if he really loved you, he would be so supportive of you.
just do what you have to do and get on with it. you're going to be the one with the amazing body and when you get there, tell him he can't have it
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Anyone notice the OP 'deactivated' her account(I assume this means deleted)? I'll say that some of the posts were not terribly supportive. I would agree that perhaps the guy mighty be a little controlling, but we do not know the whole story and so dump him is probably a little overboard. Someone commented that she did not ask a question and so maybe she was looking for some encouragement. Additionally, picking on her for having this problem at Herman's age also seemed a bit out of line (certainly not encouraging).
What was the right thing to say? I am not 100% sure, but I think she may have appreciated more people suggesting how to handle her relational interactions and encouraging her on how to fight through these temptations. I guess I say this to dwell upon for the future. This is a great community with a lot of great people, but sometimes we, myself included, get too absorbed in giving our opinion and miss the help the individuals are looking for.0 -
People often offer excuses and reasons why people act like this. They frequently see it as an "all or nothing" situation. As someone who tolerated a controlling, emotionally manipulative spouse for 10 years, separated for a year, and then reconciled and turned things around, I have some valuable advice:
It doesn't matter if he supports you. Would it be nice? Yes. Is it necessary? No.
Do what you need to do.
"I'm going for a walk now."
"Oh, I'll go with you. Wait until this TV show is over."
"Sorry, I need to get this done or it won't happen." Put your shoes on and go.
If he is upset afterwards or tries to start a fight, don't engage. Don't apologize. Don't make excuses for yourself. Don't feel guilty for doing what you do.
Buy your groceries and cook your own food. If he gets upset, that's his issue and not yours. If he is upset afterwards or tries to start a fight, don't engage. Don't apologize. Don't make excuses for yourself. Don't feel guilty for doing what you do.
Fitness and health (specifically yours) is not his priority. It is not your place to change his way of thinking and/or being, nor is it his place to change yours. It is about co-existing in a mostly peaceful way. His issues belong to him. Your issues belong to you, and obviously you are actively working on yours. Stay the course and stop worrying about him. (...and yes, I totally get that he will TRY to make your life miserable for doing this.)
Easy as that.
Either he will get used to your new way of being, or he will make you progressively more miserable until you decide the relationship is not for you. You may need to walk away, but I would not recommend constantly threatening to do so unless you are absolutely willing to walk away and be done.
I draw a lot more lines in the sand than I used to. My husband now understands that I WILL walk away if he makes me miserable all the time, so he has finally learned to back off and peacefully coexist.
All of this.
I'm going for a walk at X o'clock. Then go. As the above said, no arguments, no apologies, and no excuses. He can't fight if he's the only one fighting. Then it becomes just one person pouting.
Don't let him cook for you unless he can cook what you can eat. Let him know you're going to cook for yourself as YOU know what the macros need to be and just do it.0 -
Lose him first! I married someone unsupportive. BIG MISTAKE. Supportive behavior doesn't grow, it gets worse. Been there, done that and I'd never do it again. Many will give him excuses about being insecure, blah, blah, blah. It's all the same result in the end.
Good luck.0 -
I didn't read all the commends but I love how so many of you automatically default to "just dump him". No wonder the divorce rate is so high, 1 small problem and lets end the relationship. Talking and working out your problems, what a concept. haha morons.0
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seems like you guys have more problems in the relationship then just him not being supportive he seems VERY controlling and wants everything his way which is not giving you any type of freedom and if you have to sneak out to work out then just a no hes treating you like a little kid and not letting you do anything to be honest i dont think you should be with him if hes that controlling i mean he doesnt even let you go for a walk... WOW... i would of left him a long time ago by him just being controlling and now hes not being supportive trying to sabotage your weight loss, hes a waste of your time .0
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hey, i was in an abusive relationship a long time ago and it started with him controlling me. it looks like he's doing some similar things. more than worried about weight loss, I'd start coming up with a plan to get away from him before things get really really reallllllly bad. 0
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The time for talking to this guy is over. Show him the door, this behaviour is not a small problem it is a huge time to end it problem.0
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And why is he your boyfriend? Ditch him... NOW.
Trust me from mans perspective, if he doesn't support you 100%, there's no way he loves you.
@AVinmill - this is not ONE small problem. This is a breakdown of the very structure of their relationship, in fact their relationship is entirely non-existent so YES she should "just dump him"....0 -
Anyone notice the OP 'deactivated' her account(I assume this means deleted)? I'll say that some of the posts were not terribly supportive. I would agree that perhaps the guy mighty be a little controlling, but we do not know the whole story and so dump him is probably a little overboard. Someone commented that she did not ask a question and so maybe she was looking for some encouragement. Additionally, picking on her for having this problem at Herman's age also seemed a bit out of line (certainly not encouraging).
What was the right thing to say? I am not 100% sure, but I think she may have appreciated more people suggesting how to handle her relational interactions and encouraging her on how to fight through these temptations. I guess I say this to dwell upon for the future. This is a great community with a lot of great people, but sometimes we, myself included, get too absorbed in giving our opinion and miss the help the individuals are looking for.
Oh, wow. This is a lesson to all of us. I promise to learn to be more supportive.0 -
If you need to "sneak out" just to walk to work, you need to dump him. You're a 49 year old woman! Take some control over your life. This post really just made me sad that you even have to bring it up here instead of just taking the action yourself to do it.
If you don't want to dump him yet, at least stand up for yourself:
- When going for walks, say "No, I'm not going to wait for you to get ready because you take forever and then we don't go, I'm going now."
- When he makes something for dinner that you can't eat, say "You know damn well I can't eat that, why'd you even make it?" If he makes you feel bad for it, repeat that he knew you wouldn't be able to eat it so he wasted his time making it.
Just stand up for yourself. Why are you letting him control you? It's sad.0 -
Seems like the most important weight you need to lose is HIM
agreed0 -
And why is he your boyfriend? Ditch him... NOW.
Trust me from mans perspective, if he doesn't support you 100%, there's no way he loves you.
@AVinmill - this is not ONE small problem. This is a breakdown of the very structure of their relationship, in fact their relationship is entirely non-existent so YES she should "just dump him"....
Oh sure, because you can tell what the entire structure of their relationship is from 5 lines on an internet forum. There is no mention anywhere in that post that says that her boyfriend is even aware that she is trying to watch what she eats. It is highly unlikely that you know anything about either one of them. Buch of armchair psychologists.0
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