10 Weeks down, 2 to go...realizations I have come to...

As I start week 10 of my twelve week weight loss program I thought I would post what has been going through my mind lately. Some of it is weight loss related and some has nothing to do with weight loss but rather my most recent ex. Some reading this may feel that some of what I am about to post is inappropriate but it is my feelings as honest as raw as they are about things. I think me being honest about my feelings has helped me in this journey over the last 10 weeks and as long as I stay honest and true to myself, I will continue to see positives come from my weight loss journey.
I am now in week 10 of my “Lose to Live” program. The last two weeks were hard because my trainer was away on vacation. I continued to exercise but I didn’t have the same motivation at times that I have when she is around pushing me. When I talked to her about my poor decisions over two weeks while I didn’t see her, she could see I was literally beating myself up over the situation. We worked out and she made the decision not to make me weigh last week. I told her I already had so I knew where I was at which was nothing like I thought it would be.
When I started this program, I made a commitment to myself to work entirely on me for 12 weeks. While meeting with a dietitian and trainer weekly (except for the entire week I didn’t see my trainer…I was without her from Aug 10-24), I have went to weekly counseling with a psychologist. I felt it was important to work on some things personally which may have contributed to my weight gain. I also wanted to work on me and how I deal with people in personal relationships. I went in with my list of things I wanted to discuss and work on and we have worked on that weekly. Well last week my therapist didn’t know what to make of me. Usually I am one who will talk openly and freely during sessions but on Friday I walked in, told him I didn’t feel like talking and that he could talk and I would listen. Needless to say he was taken aback by this because it’s unlike me. He finally got me to talk about this roller coaster ride I feel like I have been on for 2 weeks and told me about the AA motto. It’s one I think I should live by because it really is “One Day at a Time.”
So for the part that some will probably deem inappropriate…my ex. I have had almost 3 months to think about things, and 10 weeks of talking about them a lot with family, friends, and definitely in therapy. While doing this and digesting my feelings, I have come to the conclusion about some things. I am sorry that I wasted one minute of her time and that she wasted one second of my time. When I met her I thought she was the one but I quickly saw that no matter how much I had hoped she was, she never would be. I remember about 9 weeks ago writing down for my psychologist a list of why we were not good for each other and NEVER would be. It was me starting to come to some sort of realization then and it has only evolved into more realization as my counseling has progressed. I remember when we first met she told me about her mental health issues. She told me at that time that she knew that I routinely came in contact with these types of people in my profession and she hoped to change my perception about people like her. Well if anything, it only verified what I have long thought. I have also come to the realization of the love I once felt for her wasn’t there the last month of our relationship. All those times I said “I love you” it was me just going through the motions. It was words without meaning. I wanted out but didn’t know how to get out without hurting someone. I don’t know why it mattered though because in the end I saw she wasn’t honest about numerous things. She also was one who felt it was necessary to talk to everyone but me about problems we were having but never talk to me. In the end, she wanted me to admit I had all the problems but never would admit her untreated mental health issues were a problem and refused to get help. It was a CONSTANT roller coaster ride with lies, deceit, and love lost. People tell me I was too good for her and I use not to believe it but now I do. I mean I have a good job, a car, pay my own bills, and am not co-dependent on others to provide for me. Recently I contacted her to ask her a question. She was very cold towards me. While this is her decision to make, it shows me she is one to hold onto anger towards others and she is still in the same place that she was back in June with her animosity towards me. My co-workers were the first to speak up after they heard we broke up. Something they never told me while were together because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings is that they had been concerned for my safety when it came to her. They knew about the constant volatility when it came to her mental state and that left them feeling uneasy. At any rate, like I said before, things couldn’t have ended soon enough. Right now even though I am in a much different place than I was 3 months, 2 months, or even 6 weeks ago, I can say this right now. HATE is not a strong enough word for my feelings towards my ex fiancé.
As for me, I continue to work on myself. I have 2 weeks left in my Lose to Live program and I plan on making them the best two weeks. I have decided to hire my personal trainer when my program ends. Going through what I have been through and learning what I have learned over the last ten weeks has taught me so much about myself. I have laughed, cried, smiled a lot more, my self-esteem has definitely improved, and instead of believing “I can’t” I believe “I can”. My personal relationships with those close to me are improving, my health is getting better, and I am looking forward to getting medically cleared to be back on an ambulance again saving lives and being the best patient advocate I can be for my patients. I know that this journey for me has put me in a better position to understand what my patients say about certain things and for that reason I think I will be able to help them more. I am also pretty damn happy right now in my life and it shows. It shows on my face and it shows in my actions. I hold my head up higher than I have in years and while I know I will fall again, my plan is to brush my knees off and get back up. I have said several times in the last couple of months it’s not about how many times I fall, but how many times I get back up. Every time I get back up, I get up stronger having learned valuable lessons.