Constant criticism at home /rant

Erisad
Erisad Posts: 1,580
in Motivation and Support
Okay, I live with my mom, grandma and brother and only my mother is on the weight loss bandwagon. However, my mother is my biggest critic, she calls me the food police, food nazi and tells me that I'm ridiculous for wanting to have a monthly photo to add to a progress album that I've had going since May 2011. I started weighing myself daily to have a better understanding of what causes my fluctuations and now she's on my case about that too. "Stop obsessing!" I just think she's jealous that I'm losing more weight than her, she thinks I'm obsessive and need to find a hobby. I'm sorry but to me weight loss is like a science experiment and through detailed analysis and observation, you can find what works for your body and achieve better results. Once I figure that out, I'll space out the weigh-ins to once a week like I had before. Once it stops working, I go back to the daily weigh ins to see where I'm flubbing up. Is this crazy? Just wish that my family would understand that this is important to me and would support me instead of chastising me every step they can.

They also don't support my political and lack of religious beliefs but that's another topic altogether. *sigh*

Replies

  • dhakiyya
    dhakiyya Posts: 481 Member
    My advice is to not tell them so much about your weight loss activities. I think you're right about taking a scientific approach to it, i.e. see what works and if it's working keep going and if it stops working analyse what's going on and change something. That's what I try to do too. Maybe just don't tell them about it. For example the photos, you don't need to tell them about those, or about what you weigh each time. Maybe post it in here instead, where people will be on the same wavelength as you about it. You're probably right that she's a bit jealous about you losing more than her.
  • cramernh
    cramernh Posts: 3,335 Member
    My advice is to not tell them so much about your weight loss activities. I think you're right about taking a scientific approach to it, i.e. see what works and if it's working keep going and if it stops working analyse what's going on and change something. That's what I try to do too. Maybe just don't tell them about it. For example the photos, you don't need to tell them about those, or about what you weigh each time. Maybe post it in here instead, where people will be on the same wavelength as you about it. You're probably right that she's a bit jealous about you losing more than her.

    Yeah, Im going to second this... Keep them out of any knowledge of what you are doing.... Clearly they are nasty about this and its VERY UNCALLED FOR.

    You and I are the same. The only difference is that I do not live at home. Im a 38 yr old married woman with a 19yr old college student out of the house. I no longer attend family events ****by choice****. I had it out with my 56 yr old mother and told her that if she has nothing positive or valid to say, then its nothing but a vicious opinion attacking me with her jealousy and I will not stand for it. PERIOD!

    That is a woman who has had two-related heart surgeries, was in a medically induced coma while her lungs filled up with infectious fluid (ARDS) and barely came out of it - the odds are slim coming out of that so you would THINK that would have given her a total brain-reprogramming to get her own health in shape... NOPE! Chain smoker, binge drinker, eats unhealthy, etc.... I want nothing of it. Of course, the calls come in "why wont you come over" "will you have dinner with us" "what are you doing for Labor Day"... blah blah blah.

    My husband HATES her negativity - its driven him to a borderline struggle to keep himself calm. So, we no longer attend any of my family member's events. We simply dont need that negativity. We dont have to put up with it.

    For you - being stuck in the house, you still shouldnt have to put up with it. So, for now... keep a tight lip on this subject. When your mother asks or inquires on how things are going... THAT is the time to be very honest with her: "I dont want any negativity from you. If you cant respond in a positive manner about my making positive choices, then I dont want your feedback. Im doing this for me and it has absolutely nothing to do with you nor should it be affecting you this much to be so insensitive about it"... and leave it at that.
  • cramernh
    cramernh Posts: 3,335 Member
    BTW... the comments were unnecessary from my mother when she asked me how often I go to the gym. I told her five days per week (Im coming back from a broken heel bone so Im up to four right now and building from there), I get up at 4am and Im out the door by 4:45am to get there and workout for a good 75 minutes.

    Yeah - it was pretty nasty.....
  • larryc0923
    larryc0923 Posts: 557 Member
    Excellent advice about not talking to much with them about your weight loss journey and instead sharing information here. Also, do not empower them to keep you from your goals. You have the control. BTW - I, too, have learned through my Myfitnesspal journey to view weight control (loss, gain, maintain) as a science experiment. I now weigh myself everyday and can see that while my daily weight variance is more than my weekly weight loss target (1lb a week) that as long as my weekly net calorie count is below my target I will lose weight. I have been on this living science experiment and continue to learn new things and have good habits reinforced everyday. Keep at it and best wishes.
  • FitXnX50
    FitXnX50 Posts: 122 Member
    Time to start being who YOU are! Take it from a gay man: only you can decide who you are, though many think they can do that for you. Can you treat it with humor? Laugh off criticisms: "Yep, That's Crazy, Obsessive Ol' ME!" Burn some calories by jogging to a florist, bring home a bouquet for Mom/Grandma no special reason from the money you saved on snack foods this week. Not that people are dogs, but we are. We can sense when someone is not confident, so then we attack. If you're showing them the optimistic confidence (not the same as stubbornness) that you show on this forum, you'll be able to let snippy critiques roll off your back, and they'll grow to respect you as a grown-up in their midst.

    PS: If they complain that you're not religious enough, how about "Yep. That's me, the Godless Heathen you've always known! (A smile here is important.) Now I'm off to <insert Beatitude here: Clothe the Naked, Visit the Imprisoned, etc.>."
  • urloved33
    urloved33 Posts: 3,323 Member
    I have a constant critic in my own head....try to go easy on yourself.
  • Erisad
    Erisad Posts: 1,580
    Oh boy, a lot of posts. I'm gonna tackle each of them one at a time. ^.^
    My advice is to not tell them so much about your weight loss activities. I think you're right about taking a scientific approach to it, i.e. see what works and if it's working keep going and if it stops working analyse what's going on and change something. That's what I try to do too. Maybe just don't tell them about it. For example the photos, you don't need to tell them about those, or about what you weigh each time. Maybe post it in here instead, where people will be on the same wavelength as you about it. You're probably right that she's a bit jealous about you losing more than her.

    Probably. I was 260 pounds in May 2010, I'm now around 187ish. It's taking me a while but I know it's working. Mom's losing weight too, just at a much slower rate. We both go to the gym together but I don't think she pushes herself as hard. She dislikes sweating and she has pins in her ankle so there are a lot of exercises she can't do. But she uses these things as excuses, "I'm tired, I'm old, I have a bad ankle, I have a headache, etc." I still go to the gym after working 10 hour days at the warehouse, I'm determined and she says it's because I have a boyfriend. "I have no one to watch my figure for, so why should I care?" Sort of thing. *sigh*
  • Erisad
    Erisad Posts: 1,580
    Yeah, Im going to second this... Keep them out of any knowledge of what you are doing.... Clearly they are nasty about this and its VERY UNCALLED FOR.

    You and I are the same. The only difference is that I do not live at home. Im a 38 yr old married woman with a 19yr old college student out of the house. I no longer attend family events ****by choice****. I had it out with my 56 yr old mother and told her that if she has nothing positive or valid to say, then its nothing but a vicious opinion attacking me with her jealousy and I will not stand for it. PERIOD!

    That is a woman who has had two-related heart surgeries, was in a medically induced coma while her lungs filled up with infectious fluid (ARDS) and barely came out of it - the odds are slim coming out of that so you would THINK that would have given her a total brain-reprogramming to get her own health in shape... NOPE! Chain smoker, binge drinker, eats unhealthy, etc.... I want nothing of it. Of course, the calls come in "why wont you come over" "will you have dinner with us" "what are you doing for Labor Day"... blah blah blah.

    My husband HATES her negativity - its driven him to a borderline struggle to keep himself calm. So, we no longer attend any of my family member's events. We simply dont need that negativity. We dont have to put up with it.

    For you - being stuck in the house, you still shouldnt have to put up with it. So, for now... keep a tight lip on this subject. When your mother asks or inquires on how things are going... THAT is the time to be very honest with her: "I dont want any negativity from you. If you cant respond in a positive manner about my making positive choices, then I dont want your feedback. Im doing this for me and it has absolutely nothing to do with you nor should it be affecting you this much to be so insensitive about it"... and leave it at that.

    My family is very critical, especially about my life choices. Wanting to live together before marriage, not going to church, etc. They assume I'm being snobby because I went to college and "act like you're too smart for your Christian roots." which is not the case and I explain it to them but they feel betrayed I guess.

    I'll try keeping it to myself some but I get so excited and they ask what I'm happy about, "I had a good number today!" "Oh God, stop obsessing about it! Stop weighing yourself every day!" So much for being excited. If I told her about not being negative with her reply, she'll assume I'm attacking her. "What? You assume I always have something bad to say?" Because most of the time, she does. I once sat and watched grandma and mom watch TV and the snide, backhanded comments they'd make about people on TV that they don't even know kinda proves my point. You don't know what they're like in the real world and even if you did, why judge them? Is that not God's place? *sigh*
    BTW... the comments were unnecessary from my mother when she asked me how often I go to the gym. I told her five days per week (Im coming back from a broken heel bone so Im up to four right now and building from there), I get up at 4am and Im out the door by 4:45am to get there and workout for a good 75 minutes.

    Yeah - it was pretty nasty.....

    I bet. *hugs* >.<
  • Erisad
    Erisad Posts: 1,580
    Excellent advice about not talking to much with them about your weight loss journey and instead sharing information here. Also, do not empower them to keep you from your goals. You have the control. BTW - I, too, have learned through my Myfitnesspal journey to view weight control (loss, gain, maintain) as a science experiment. I now weigh myself everyday and can see that while my daily weight variance is more than my weekly weight loss target (1lb a week) that as long as my weekly net calorie count is below my target I will lose weight. I have been on this living science experiment and continue to learn new things and have good habits reinforced everyday. Keep at it and best wishes.

    And this is my approach to it as well. Only Friday is my "official" day, even though I may have lower numbers during the week. I do my best to not let them hinder my progress. Grandma brings home candy, pie, cake, etc and offers it to me and gets kinda offended when I say no. "Oh one won't hurt!" Yes it will, it's how I ballooned up to 260 in the first place. D:
  • Erisad
    Erisad Posts: 1,580
    Time to start being who YOU are! Take it from a gay man: only you can decide who you are, though many think they can do that for you. Can you treat it with humor? Laugh off criticisms: "Yep, That's Crazy, Obsessive Ol' ME!" Burn some calories by jogging to a florist, bring home a bouquet for Mom/Grandma no special reason from the money you saved on snack foods this week. Not that people are dogs, but we are. We can sense when someone is not confident, so then we attack. If you're showing them the optimistic confidence (not the same as stubbornness) that you show on this forum, you'll be able to let snippy critiques roll off your back, and they'll grow to respect you as a grown-up in their midst.

    PS: If they complain that you're not religious enough, how about "Yep. That's me, the Godless Heathen you've always known! (A smile here is important.) Now I'm off to <insert Beatitude here: Clothe the Naked, Visit the Imprisoned, etc.>."

    Yeah, my mom's youngest brother came out about 12ish years ago...it was rough and he had to move out, this incident is a big factor in my leaving the church. A faith that can turn a mother against her own son is nothing I want apart of. They are finally on speaking terms again. Although not sure if Grammy knows that he and his boyfriend of 9 years are engaged but I'm sure she wouldn't be happy about it. >.<

    Lol! I've done that before. They scoff me off half the time, "you're being absurd/ridiculous/immoral/insert negative adjective here". I think our relationship will improve once I get my car, license (college put that off by a couple years, can't afford it all, lol!) and move out. I'm hoping to accomplish at least 2 out of the three things in this upcoming year. Let's hope I don't get laid off again so I can meet these goals. :D
  • lg3703
    lg3703 Posts: 190
    Well girl... try not to take it personally. It could be a little jealousy mixed with genuine worry with a dab of low self esteem. Who knows. The important thing is that you do whats right for you and let the comments be what they are...nothing. sometimes you can shut someone you love up just by saying "yes, I can see how you'd feel that way..." then do whatever you want. Lord knows I let people THINK they're right all the time! Lol makes my life easier than the drama. Good luck!
  • Erisad
    Erisad Posts: 1,580
    I have a constant critic in my own head....try to go easy on yourself.

    I have one of those too and it's hard on some days. Today the issue is more on other people being critics. And they don't even think what they're doing is wrong. They use the "it's a free country!" line to say and do what they want. *le siiiiigh*

    Thanks for all the support everyone, it's really helpful. :)
  • Erisad
    Erisad Posts: 1,580
    Well girl... try not to take it personally. It could be a little jealousy mixed with genuine worry with a dab of low self esteem. Who knows. The important thing is that you do whats right for you and let the comments be what they are...nothing. sometimes you can shut someone you love up just by saying "yes, I can see how you'd feel that way..." then do whatever you want. Lord knows I let people THINK they're right all the time! Lol makes my life easier than the drama. Good luck!

    Lol that might work. Because I know trying to prove them wrong can start another civil war. We're all very stubborn and set in our ways. :P

    Not sure how much genuine worry is in there though, it seems like more of the other two ingredients in this pot.

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