please do not judge, asking for advice

Josyurtos23
Josyurtos23 Posts: 63 Member
in Motivation and Support
Im married and i developed a crush on my trainer who happens to be a very good friend of my husbands. Since i started his program ive lost 30 pounds and feel great except for my smoking. ive been chain smoking hoping to forget about this crush. Im reluctant to quit the program because as you know ive lost weight.

i love my husband very much and i feel so guilty. Im asking you how can i get over this and forget about him and this obstacle and keep him as my friend (im guessing at arm's length) with out jeopordizing my marriage.
«134

Replies

  • obsidianwings
    obsidianwings Posts: 1,237 Member
    Honestly i've not been in the situation but i would get a new trainer. Your marriage is more important.
    Sorry I just reread your post and realise he is a friend of your husbands also which makes it harder to stay away from him I guess. But getting a new trainer is a start at least.
  • rompers16
    rompers16 Posts: 5,404 Member
    Maybe it's time to find a new trainer.
  • batlott
    batlott Posts: 61 Member
    agree, run don't walk and get a new trainer.
  • 3LittleMonkeyMom
    3LittleMonkeyMom Posts: 259
    Get yourself another trainer ASAP.
  • Josyurtos23
    Josyurtos23 Posts: 63 Member
    what excuse do i give? help is appreciated
  • mrswattie
    mrswattie Posts: 16
    Having had a third party almost destroy my marriage all I can say is you need to stay away from this guy. What's more important to you, your marriage or your weight loss? I'm not judging you all, I'm just trying to give you advice because I've been through the hell of a cheating partner. Is there not another trainer you could use doing the same programe? I know he's your husband's friend so you're bound to see him, but I'd limit all contact unless necessary. You need time away from him to get over your crush. Hope something works out for you. Good luck
  • vbmama2012
    vbmama2012 Posts: 60 Member
    DEFINITELY get a new trainer. This is a train wreck waiting to happen...
    And not judging, btw. We are all human, and maybe you have the "crush" because he's helped you do so well. Thank him and move on (probably a female trainer next time?)
  • obsidianwings
    obsidianwings Posts: 1,237 Member
    what excuse do i give? help is appreciated
    You could say you think you might feel more comfortable with a female trainer? Can't think of anything else right now sorry
  • Josyurtos23
    Josyurtos23 Posts: 63 Member
    Trust me, cheating would not be an issue, there is no interest on his part.
  • vbmama2012
    vbmama2012 Posts: 60 Member
    what excuse do i give? help is appreciated

    I greatly appreciate all that you've done to help me, but I feel it's time for me to move in a different direction. I've found another trainer that can do (insert suggestion here). Thank you again for all of your help, it's nothing about your style or program, I just feel right now I have to move in this direction.

    A nice thank you card with a little gift card or something and that should help with the clean break!
  • kimothy38
    kimothy38 Posts: 840 Member
    I became totally smitten with my trainer too and it drove me insane. I talked it over with a gym friend and it turns out she felt the same way. She totally burst my bubble and said that he'd not be keen on old farts like us anyway (I'm not even 40 but then he's only 20 something). Anyway, that's just what I needed to hear. I still think he's lovely but I've got it back into perspective and enjoy the friendship without over analysing everything he says to me. If you can't put your feelings into perspective though then it's time for a change.
  • SLE0803
    SLE0803 Posts: 145 Member
    You need a new trainer asap.

    Excuses- you want to learn something different that (your new trainer) has to offer. The new trainer is cheaper.

    idk, maybe not the best, but it is a start.
  • mrswattie
    mrswattie Posts: 16
    How about just saying you appreciate all his help but you'd quite like a new trainer just for something fresh to keep you motivated? Good on you for trying to do something about it BTW.
  • bahamiangal
    bahamiangal Posts: 6
    if you want your marriage RUN RUN RUN...this is disaster waiting to happen and a crush is not worth it.
  • larnsperger
    larnsperger Posts: 161 Member
    NEW TRAINER!!!
  • Army_Love89
    Army_Love89 Posts: 30
    Find a new trainer..(FEMALE)
  • jennifermaffei17
    jennifermaffei17 Posts: 158
    You need a different trainer who isn't a distraction or find a different gym.
    Remain faithful and and communicate with your husband if all else fails on what he would do in that type of hypothetical situation.
  • fairestthings
    fairestthings Posts: 335 Member
    I echo everyone else -- your marriage is way more important, you need to run to a new (female) trainer ASAP.

    To make it less awkward, perhaps join a different gym so that it's not so obvious when you get a female trainer.

    I wouldn't really approach the topic with your current trainer, other than just say you're joining a different gym and thanks so much for your help. Leave it at that. No gushy thank yous. Be pretty vanilla, but gracious.

    I've been judged on here for limiting my MFP friendships (and on Facebook and any other internet site) to women/girls only, but this is exactly why. I never want to be in this situation, or put any male friends in that situation themselves.

    I honestly wouldn't go to my next session. I know you smoke (I used to), but this is like quitting smoking. Just do it cold turkey immediately.
  • 126siany
    126siany Posts: 1,386 Member
    what excuse do i give? help is appreciated

    You don't need an excuse. You hired him to perform a job and now that job is over.
  • marie_cressman
    marie_cressman Posts: 980 Member
    Honestly i've not been in the situation but i would get a new trainer. Your marriage is more important.
    Sorry I just reread your post and realise he is a friend of your husbands also which makes it harder to stay away from him I guess. But getting a new trainer is a start at least.

    absolutely this.
  • kristenstejskal
    kristenstejskal Posts: 107 Member
    You could say that your new trainer "specializes" in some aspect of fitness....maybe incorporates yoga into workout routines or something like that....I don't like encouraging you to lie...but this is kind of a touchy subject all the way around.

    And don't feel guilty. You haven't done anything wrong and I think a lot of people experience what you're experiencing right now...its pretty natural. Think about it this way.....you're being smart by nipping it in the bud now! Good for you!
  • danimal5867
    danimal5867 Posts: 390
    Trust me, cheating would not be an issue, there is no interest on his part.

    Even if there is no interest on his part, anything you might do to feed the crush (emotional affair) will have a lasting and negative impact on you marriage.
  • allisonmrn
    allisonmrn Posts: 721 Member
    Yes, new trainer...pronto or use the knowledge he has given you and a little research and be your own trainer!!! Good luck
  • Thin1979
    Thin1979 Posts: 48
    I can totally see how that can happen. This gentleman took you to a new place of confidence and self healing. Obesity is a medical condition both physically and mentally. I would just see him for that. Of course you are going to have intense feelings for someone who helped you over plateaus and brought you to a new and better place in your life. See him as a coach and mentor. And a little crush never hurt anyone...as long as you don't act on it I don't see any harm. No judgement here, we are all in the perfect place at the perfect time and he was brought into your life for a reason.
  • Heather_Rider
    Heather_Rider Posts: 1,159 Member
    Okay.. wait wait.

    First of all, is your marriage in good standing? Its NORMAL for people to be attracted to the other sex. Acting on it is another issue.. im worried that you said "cheating is not an issue as he isnt interested in it" but would you cheat?

    Here is the thing.. you MUST talk to your husband. Tell him that spending time with another man is making you feel uncomfortable as your body is changing. (Because its the truth, you are uncomfortable with the way you are feeling..) And ask him he would help you in finding a female trainer.

    Not only will this reassure him, it will make him feel like a part of your journey and in turn, he will continue to be, or will become more supportive of you.

    Lying is never good in any relationship, so dont start now! Truth of the matter is that you dont have to come right out & say.. "i would bone this dude" but you can do it in an honest way, keep your marriage safe and still continue to lose weight and get healthy.


    Also, i would just like to add that the constand smoking isnt to get your mind off him.. its because you are stressing about it.

    Good luck.
  • Savyna
    Savyna Posts: 789 Member
    Do you really have to offer anything? Just say that after some things have come up (personally) you feel its better to get another trainer, and it has nothing against him just that you have some things to work out etc etc.
  • Voncreepy2
    Voncreepy2 Posts: 1,450 Member
    I am not being judgemental either, but sometimes we can't see in front of ourselves. Put yourself in your husband's shoes.....if the shoe were on the other foot, would you be devastated if you knew he was crushing on another woman, much less a really fit , hot one or if you knew he even entertained the thought of what if? New trainer, no excuse necessary. I am sure other people not in your situation don't think twice about how they would end this because they aren't emotionally involved. Do you see the red flag? Good luck to you. Marriage is hard and not always perfect but if you're in it for life then you have to preserve it. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Don't be a statistic.
  • BroiledNotFried
    BroiledNotFried Posts: 446 Member
    You need to get a new trainer.

    Life changers sometimes cause us to grow or move into a new direction. Perhaps the new self is translating into wanting to be with another person. Remember, those first few days & weeks & early months with your husband? They were a blast. But, it will all wear off and then the real love begins. The boring type is powerfully strong - and can get you through job losses, sickness, etc. The exciting type of new infatuation is not grounded for the long haul.

    This personal trainer is a motivator and believes in you as part of his job. Repeat - it is part of his job - to believe in you. Sometimes it can be flattering to have someone who is engaging you and making you feel special. Perhaps your husband doesn't engage you? What is it really that is attracting you to this trainer, and what can you/your husband do to help rekindle this aspect? Don't blame your husband. All parties in a marraige can become stale.

    Now, don't judge yourself. I heard a minister rightly say, "You've haven't lived life if you haven't been tempted to break each of the 10 Commandments." It's something that many married people go through.

    You can always start figure skating. All of the male coaches are gay and the female coaches are straight - lol. You are totally safe in that company.
  • Josyurtos23
    Josyurtos23 Posts: 63 Member
    its not a gym membership, its just a group of friends working out together, he is taking time out to help us (sometimes my husband goes, sometimes not) very tough situation for me really.
  • julesribar
    julesribar Posts: 43 Member
    New trainer....now.

Categories